I love how the Bible is a breath of fresh air to pending cultural norms and mores. Especially churchy ones. When we look at the Bible most of the women present have shady and broken sexual pasts, and yet, God does not shy away from using them, honoring them, incorporating them as important and powerful players in his story.
I like the story of Tamar. The one who seduces her father in law so that she can have social status after her husband dies. She conceives twins, one of whom is Jesus' great forfather from the line of Judah. That's right, ladies, there is sort of a weird undercurrent in the Bible that sort of says: Women, you must take your sexuality in your own hands; reclaim it if you will, for God's glory. NOT MAN's. Because remember, it probably was because of a man's (ego, pride, selfishness, lust, sin, lack of respect) you ended up in the predicament in the first. (Men, you are not known for caring well for women's sexuality- deal with the criticism).
Then there is Ruth who's sketchy behavior in the during the harvest landed her a husband. Or Ester, who for all intents and purposes became a trophy wife. Rahab- a prostitute. Mary- a pregnant 14 year old. Hagar, a sex slave by some definitions. The woman at the well- a man eater. AND THE LIST GOES ON.
Women, we have some spiritual heritage with sexually broken women. And they are STRONG sexually broken women. And they were honored and loved by GOD ( and yeah, still found a godly man to do life with) in spite of it.
In fact, I think God in his weird, twisted, higher than thou ways, uses our sexuality, broken, abused, shamed, guilt-ridden, terrifying as it is, to HIS GLORY. To show His LOVE as a father(and mother- like a hen to her chicks, there are feminine aspects of God's character that should help us identify with His all non-gendered being). Christ was crucified, sacrificed, broken for us to take away our shame and our guilt- to reconcile us to God. And CHRIST was a PRODUCT of some weird sexual mores.
Let us not then be afraid of sexuality, or of its brokenness, but let God redeem it and use it and know We are well Loved for it. That is to say, figure out how to be empowered by your own story. Let God take the guilt, the shame, the fear, the what have you and SHINE FORTH like your sisters and mothers in Christ.
The end.
Thursday, May 23, 2013
Monday, May 20, 2013
2 steps forward one step back
I recently read " Lean In" by Sheryl Sandberg and am so glad I did. She articulates so much of what my experience has been in some ways about ambitions and a professional life that I am in awe and extremely grateful for all that she had to share. I think I want to be her someday in some somewhat modified capacity.
And am applying what she says women need to do more: lean in, stay at the table, engage, push, put ourselves out there, and not doubt our abilities or confidence.
Applying this of course is extremely out of my comfort zone- I am such a "tiara" mode people pleaser kind of worker. And so, I've babystepped putting myself more out there and not all of it has been successful. Failure is a big part of learning, but I think I am gaining ground and know that putting myself out there, pushing myself to speak up and add to the conversation 'at the table' will better for me than not.
So it's a few steps forward, a couple steps back sort of dance, but I think I'm getting somewhere. I just have to learn that manly trait of 'not caring' so much (just get it done) so that I won't crumble or lose my nerve!
And am applying what she says women need to do more: lean in, stay at the table, engage, push, put ourselves out there, and not doubt our abilities or confidence.
Applying this of course is extremely out of my comfort zone- I am such a "tiara" mode people pleaser kind of worker. And so, I've babystepped putting myself more out there and not all of it has been successful. Failure is a big part of learning, but I think I am gaining ground and know that putting myself out there, pushing myself to speak up and add to the conversation 'at the table' will better for me than not.
So it's a few steps forward, a couple steps back sort of dance, but I think I'm getting somewhere. I just have to learn that manly trait of 'not caring' so much (just get it done) so that I won't crumble or lose my nerve!
Monday, April 8, 2013
on writing
elated. deflated. grinding of teeth, grinding of millstone. elation. deflation. conviction. more grinding. rinse, recycle, repeat.
(that last three 'r's is my silly "repeat' phrase that my weird do it again mantra taking from shampoo bottles, the recycle symbol, and of course, the word repeat).
that's how i describe this writing class i am taking with regards to the creative process. i think 'becoming' a writer is mostly summed up in that process. you love it. you realize you are terrible at it. you work anyway. you realize you love it. but bad at it. do it anyway. and you find that you have to keep on doing it even when you are motivated to because you're not as good as you think you are or you are not as good as you want to be. but it's a cycle. slowly by slowly i think i'll ascend that spiralling staircase. the periods of 'deflation' are becoming shorter and the conviction and confidence that I can take these stories of mine somewhere are blooming. phooey ambiguous comments by my creative writing professor over email. it's probably best i don't know how to read into them one way or another. probably get more out of me that way!
in the grinding bit again... creating creating creating. and loving it! isn't that a sign of a calling? when you are practically singing when working and doing drudge work?
but then again. i love working. most fulfilling thing ever. i know. i'm strange, but it's how i find my meaning in life. yes. with jesus. there's is that verse that the harvest is plentiful but the workers are few. by golly, i mean to be one of them.
(that last three 'r's is my silly "repeat' phrase that my weird do it again mantra taking from shampoo bottles, the recycle symbol, and of course, the word repeat).
that's how i describe this writing class i am taking with regards to the creative process. i think 'becoming' a writer is mostly summed up in that process. you love it. you realize you are terrible at it. you work anyway. you realize you love it. but bad at it. do it anyway. and you find that you have to keep on doing it even when you are motivated to because you're not as good as you think you are or you are not as good as you want to be. but it's a cycle. slowly by slowly i think i'll ascend that spiralling staircase. the periods of 'deflation' are becoming shorter and the conviction and confidence that I can take these stories of mine somewhere are blooming. phooey ambiguous comments by my creative writing professor over email. it's probably best i don't know how to read into them one way or another. probably get more out of me that way!
in the grinding bit again... creating creating creating. and loving it! isn't that a sign of a calling? when you are practically singing when working and doing drudge work?
but then again. i love working. most fulfilling thing ever. i know. i'm strange, but it's how i find my meaning in life. yes. with jesus. there's is that verse that the harvest is plentiful but the workers are few. by golly, i mean to be one of them.
Friday, March 29, 2013
Sweet Nothings
I realize that I'm really into analyzing the theology of pop songs. I'm not sure if because they are the most accessible of "art" to analyze or I just analyze too much, but whatever it is, the lastest piece to cross my path is Florence Welch's "sweet Nothing". Because is that what the whole crux of Christianity rests on? "Sweet Nothings" of God? The sweet nothing of faith. What is faith? What is love? What is hope? What is our belief in Jesus? "nothing" in the sense that it is not measurable matter, it's unseen, immeasurable, hard to grasp physically, though so important spiritually.
And yet so powerful. But nothing at the same time. The Bible, tradition, experience, church those are tangible- but faith? intangible.
I like how she put it:
So I put my faith in something unknown
I'm living on such sweet nothing
But I'm trying to hope with nothing to hold
I'm living on such sweet nothing
And it's hard to learn
And it's hard to love
When you're giving me such sweet nothing
Sweet nothing, sweet nothing
You're giving me such sweet nothing
The mysteries of faith! Though we've never seen Jesus, we still believe! Oh those sweet nothings of grace, redemption, and reconcilation! Hallejuah!
And yet so powerful. But nothing at the same time. The Bible, tradition, experience, church those are tangible- but faith? intangible.
I like how she put it:
So I put my faith in something unknown
I'm living on such sweet nothing
But I'm trying to hope with nothing to hold
I'm living on such sweet nothing
And it's hard to learn
And it's hard to love
When you're giving me such sweet nothing
Sweet nothing, sweet nothing
You're giving me such sweet nothing
The mysteries of faith! Though we've never seen Jesus, we still believe! Oh those sweet nothings of grace, redemption, and reconcilation! Hallejuah!
Monday, March 25, 2013
the meaning of marriage
I read an awful book. Okay it wasn't that awful, and I shouldn't be too mean or critical because I did win a free copy off of twitter and I highly respect the editor and think highly of the enterprise, but it is a book i almost wish i hadn't read. I'm struggling with its message and its perspective on marriage
It's a bit of an icky book. A book that delves into the world of hard and troubling marriages and relationships and gets down and dirty with them. The characters are messy. Their marriages are messy and not once does the author shy away from the horrible parts of marriage that married people experience. Which all could be a good book, but I am not sure the book executes what it has to say well enough to do marriage justice. It's a little heavy handed, so the reader is beat up a bit, brutal even. I kind of ended up feeling rubbed raw and slapped in the face and stripped of some dignity for having read it. And I really wanted to put it down, but it wasn't up to my standard of "quality" reading so I felt like I might have be reading a b-list romance novel, it was that kind of bad. But the end turned out okay and there were some good parts- but i am not sure enough.
And I couldn't handle the book for two reasons: One, having to do with quality of the written word. I think it needs to go one more round in the editing stage as some parts are BRILLIANT and some parts need further work. There is really great writing in a few chapters promising a really great story somewhere in the awfulness with some really great characters, but there wasn't a polished execution, so the mind gets scraped up a bit, trying to tying up the loose ends or the characters that don't quite work. And two, I disagree with some of the underlying priniciples, mainly that you stay in a marriage no matter what. I severely disagree with that sentiment. There are reasons to end a marriage that are godly and biblical and HEALTHY. ANd that's what I couldn't stand about the book: the message to stay in an unhealthy marriage no matter what and that being the "redemptive" quality of the book.
He** no.
If you are just hurting your spouse for the sake of hurting them and or are cheating on them because you are bored or what have you (examples of marriages in the marriage support group that the main characters attend), then you probably should get out of it. Albeit, you'll get out and be broken, but I am not sure why staying in an abusive marriage is edifying or redemptive and OKAY! IT'S NOT!!!! Have some self-respect! Sure get counseling, exhaust all sorts of means, but if the relationship has deteriorated so much that you go out of your way to HURT YOUR SPOUSE, then why are you married? Seriously. The purpose of marriage is to "help" the other person and glorify GOD and in our twisted, broken world means you will hurt them, but not in spite, not premeditated and not on purpose continually.Not sure how "hating" your spouse emotionally, physically and spiritually glorifies God and how being okay with your spouse doing what ever the f he or she wants is okay. I'm not okay with my husband hurting me, b doing whatever he wants whenever he wants when I know he's going to hurt a lot people... MY MARRIAGE IS NOT GOD. And I think the book proposes that... and gets it way wrong.
So, in conclusion, I have big issues with this book. It needs some development from a writing perspective (there are a few 2 dimensional characters who I think need some depth and other such problems in the storyline) and then idea-lly, I disagree with some of the fundamental premises.
Agree? Disagree? The book is "Better Food for a Better World" by Erin McGraw. It is rough, but has some really funny, brilliant and wonderful parts. In my meanest moments, I call it the antithesis of Tim Keller's "Meaning of Marriage" as Keller's book uplifts Marriage so dang extremely well and effectively that I felt i needed to read it after McGraw's book to 'cleanse' me. But boy do I have a lot to say after reading McGraw's. I appreciate my marriage and my husband that much more because we don't purposely try to hurt each other like some of the marriage presented in the book- at least not yet~!!!
It's a bit of an icky book. A book that delves into the world of hard and troubling marriages and relationships and gets down and dirty with them. The characters are messy. Their marriages are messy and not once does the author shy away from the horrible parts of marriage that married people experience. Which all could be a good book, but I am not sure the book executes what it has to say well enough to do marriage justice. It's a little heavy handed, so the reader is beat up a bit, brutal even. I kind of ended up feeling rubbed raw and slapped in the face and stripped of some dignity for having read it. And I really wanted to put it down, but it wasn't up to my standard of "quality" reading so I felt like I might have be reading a b-list romance novel, it was that kind of bad. But the end turned out okay and there were some good parts- but i am not sure enough.
And I couldn't handle the book for two reasons: One, having to do with quality of the written word. I think it needs to go one more round in the editing stage as some parts are BRILLIANT and some parts need further work. There is really great writing in a few chapters promising a really great story somewhere in the awfulness with some really great characters, but there wasn't a polished execution, so the mind gets scraped up a bit, trying to tying up the loose ends or the characters that don't quite work. And two, I disagree with some of the underlying priniciples, mainly that you stay in a marriage no matter what. I severely disagree with that sentiment. There are reasons to end a marriage that are godly and biblical and HEALTHY. ANd that's what I couldn't stand about the book: the message to stay in an unhealthy marriage no matter what and that being the "redemptive" quality of the book.
He** no.
If you are just hurting your spouse for the sake of hurting them and or are cheating on them because you are bored or what have you (examples of marriages in the marriage support group that the main characters attend), then you probably should get out of it. Albeit, you'll get out and be broken, but I am not sure why staying in an abusive marriage is edifying or redemptive and OKAY! IT'S NOT!!!! Have some self-respect! Sure get counseling, exhaust all sorts of means, but if the relationship has deteriorated so much that you go out of your way to HURT YOUR SPOUSE, then why are you married? Seriously. The purpose of marriage is to "help" the other person and glorify GOD and in our twisted, broken world means you will hurt them, but not in spite, not premeditated and not on purpose continually.Not sure how "hating" your spouse emotionally, physically and spiritually glorifies God and how being okay with your spouse doing what ever the f he or she wants is okay. I'm not okay with my husband hurting me, b doing whatever he wants whenever he wants when I know he's going to hurt a lot people... MY MARRIAGE IS NOT GOD. And I think the book proposes that... and gets it way wrong.
So, in conclusion, I have big issues with this book. It needs some development from a writing perspective (there are a few 2 dimensional characters who I think need some depth and other such problems in the storyline) and then idea-lly, I disagree with some of the fundamental premises.
Agree? Disagree? The book is "Better Food for a Better World" by Erin McGraw. It is rough, but has some really funny, brilliant and wonderful parts. In my meanest moments, I call it the antithesis of Tim Keller's "Meaning of Marriage" as Keller's book uplifts Marriage so dang extremely well and effectively that I felt i needed to read it after McGraw's book to 'cleanse' me. But boy do I have a lot to say after reading McGraw's. I appreciate my marriage and my husband that much more because we don't purposely try to hurt each other like some of the marriage presented in the book- at least not yet~!!!
Thursday, March 7, 2013
And then...
When the thought of returning to work excites me, we get sick and I realize that the highest priority in life at this moment is to be a mom.
Hearing you, Lord. I am a mom and need to live into that fully. No side ambitions yet.
Or maybe just a few small ones. But probably not any 9-5 ones. I have two very beautiful and remarkable creatures under my charge that need a lot of me right now so one day, I'll send them out into the world shining like stars in the heavens.
They already do a little bit, says me the proud mama. I gots me some movers and shakers for progeny. Little E knows no strangers, animal or human, and can make anyone her friend. Stubborn and demanding, wily and sweet as she is. And little man C likes to give anyone who will stop and say hi to him the most winning grin that can melt iron. They are little suns, bursting with energy and love.
They are wonderful to behold and I am grateful and privileged to be the one who will show them the ropes of this life (and, I hope, into the other). It is no small feat, being a momma. Even though I feel that mantle overshadows anything else I might be.
Dear Lord, bless the little children. Draw them unto you and may we not turn them away from the gates of your kingdom. Guide them in understanding faith and hope and love and protect them from all wickedness. Bless them, keep them, turn your face to them and give them peace to follow you all the days of their lives. In your name, Amen.
Hearing you, Lord. I am a mom and need to live into that fully. No side ambitions yet.
Or maybe just a few small ones. But probably not any 9-5 ones. I have two very beautiful and remarkable creatures under my charge that need a lot of me right now so one day, I'll send them out into the world shining like stars in the heavens.
They already do a little bit, says me the proud mama. I gots me some movers and shakers for progeny. Little E knows no strangers, animal or human, and can make anyone her friend. Stubborn and demanding, wily and sweet as she is. And little man C likes to give anyone who will stop and say hi to him the most winning grin that can melt iron. They are little suns, bursting with energy and love.
They are wonderful to behold and I am grateful and privileged to be the one who will show them the ropes of this life (and, I hope, into the other). It is no small feat, being a momma. Even though I feel that mantle overshadows anything else I might be.
Dear Lord, bless the little children. Draw them unto you and may we not turn them away from the gates of your kingdom. Guide them in understanding faith and hope and love and protect them from all wickedness. Bless them, keep them, turn your face to them and give them peace to follow you all the days of their lives. In your name, Amen.
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
Exploding
Does anyone else ever feel like they are exploding? The past few weeks I've felt like I've been exploding. Exploding with ideas. Exploding with things to say. Exploding with stress about next year. Exploding with vigor and joy and excitement.
It's been a little much. The possibilities and unknowns are overwhelming. What will I do next year? What career path should I choose if I choose to go back to work? What should I do if I think I should pursue something instead? What if I am called to this? What if I need to speak up about this? How will we make ends meets? How will we balance kids and work? and many more questions crowd my head at night trying figure out why this sudden explosion of activity in my life.
I guess this is what happens when you feel the Spirit at work. I'll try to ride the wave and listen to how and to what he calls. But it is extremely nerve wracking and scary and sort of exciting! Is it terrible that I am ready to shed a bit of my "stay at home mom" skin and do something new? Even if that new is something unseen as of yet?
Daniel and I are at a crossroads of new beginnings and opportunities. Not sure what the cards hold, but is sure is fun anticipating what's around the corner!
It's been a little much. The possibilities and unknowns are overwhelming. What will I do next year? What career path should I choose if I choose to go back to work? What should I do if I think I should pursue something instead? What if I am called to this? What if I need to speak up about this? How will we make ends meets? How will we balance kids and work? and many more questions crowd my head at night trying figure out why this sudden explosion of activity in my life.
I guess this is what happens when you feel the Spirit at work. I'll try to ride the wave and listen to how and to what he calls. But it is extremely nerve wracking and scary and sort of exciting! Is it terrible that I am ready to shed a bit of my "stay at home mom" skin and do something new? Even if that new is something unseen as of yet?
Daniel and I are at a crossroads of new beginnings and opportunities. Not sure what the cards hold, but is sure is fun anticipating what's around the corner!
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
The power to not conform
I deeply respect my parents and the choices they have made in life. They tend to choose the harder road, the road less traveled, the counterintuitive road all because they feel and listen strongly to the convictions of Christ placed on their lives.
And they've suffered for it. Burned by churches they have given themselves to sacrificially in a multitude of ways, they continue to commit themselves to serving the church and Jesus. It's humbling and hard to see how they've left 'comfortable' positions and allowed themselves to be vulnerable in difficult circumstances without any promise of, except being called faithful at the end of the day. They've left a church with a lot of friends and in the suburbs, to move to the city to plant a church without many peers. They moved to a city leaving the comforts and safety that suburbs offer. My dad left his job to go into ministry, drastically changing their lifestyles in their 'old' age. While most people seek to beef up retirement, my parents are taking a humble, low road in the name of what Jesus has placed on their hearts.
Maybe, now you see why I have issues with committing to a church (since Charlottesville). I'm just waiting to get burned. Waiting for the hurt that inevitably comes from communing with sinners. Or waiting for the hurt that comes from following christ and being faithful to what he has called you to and for the church to fail you in that regard, because it does.
And yet, even with my church baggage, I feel so blessed by parents because I have this deep power to not conform. I don't have to seek comfort or safety in the communities I am apart of. I don't have to pursue financial or social security with regards to my career or church or lifestyle. I have the power to listen to and follow my convictions, pursue Jesus with whatever I have and walk out in faith with my decisions.
And I am deeply thankful for that. My best friend and I have spent the last year feeling the angst of not fitting in with our church communities and doubting ourselves for wanting more than what we have and feeling pressure to conform to what we are not. We are non-conformers. Not content with the status quo, actively wrestling with the calls and situations god has placed in our lives. And church for us is not a social club nor just a place you go on Sunday to worship. It may be a place that hurts you and persecutes you in some way and not necessarily a place of comfort, but definitely growth. While no church is perfect, very very far from, there needs to be a conviction, even an anointing of god's, saying "go here."
And like Abraham, we have to listen to that call. Even if the call is to leave the land of your fathers and go somewhere weird or difficult or skyrockets your gas budget. Because that is what it means to have faith and to act on it, especially if it makes you different. Lord Jesus, may we listen to you in the places where we conform and not follow on convictions. Help us follow you where you go and call. help us trust the plans you have for us. In your name we pray, amen.
And they've suffered for it. Burned by churches they have given themselves to sacrificially in a multitude of ways, they continue to commit themselves to serving the church and Jesus. It's humbling and hard to see how they've left 'comfortable' positions and allowed themselves to be vulnerable in difficult circumstances without any promise of, except being called faithful at the end of the day. They've left a church with a lot of friends and in the suburbs, to move to the city to plant a church without many peers. They moved to a city leaving the comforts and safety that suburbs offer. My dad left his job to go into ministry, drastically changing their lifestyles in their 'old' age. While most people seek to beef up retirement, my parents are taking a humble, low road in the name of what Jesus has placed on their hearts.
Maybe, now you see why I have issues with committing to a church (since Charlottesville). I'm just waiting to get burned. Waiting for the hurt that inevitably comes from communing with sinners. Or waiting for the hurt that comes from following christ and being faithful to what he has called you to and for the church to fail you in that regard, because it does.
And yet, even with my church baggage, I feel so blessed by parents because I have this deep power to not conform. I don't have to seek comfort or safety in the communities I am apart of. I don't have to pursue financial or social security with regards to my career or church or lifestyle. I have the power to listen to and follow my convictions, pursue Jesus with whatever I have and walk out in faith with my decisions.
And I am deeply thankful for that. My best friend and I have spent the last year feeling the angst of not fitting in with our church communities and doubting ourselves for wanting more than what we have and feeling pressure to conform to what we are not. We are non-conformers. Not content with the status quo, actively wrestling with the calls and situations god has placed in our lives. And church for us is not a social club nor just a place you go on Sunday to worship. It may be a place that hurts you and persecutes you in some way and not necessarily a place of comfort, but definitely growth. While no church is perfect, very very far from, there needs to be a conviction, even an anointing of god's, saying "go here."
And like Abraham, we have to listen to that call. Even if the call is to leave the land of your fathers and go somewhere weird or difficult or skyrockets your gas budget. Because that is what it means to have faith and to act on it, especially if it makes you different. Lord Jesus, may we listen to you in the places where we conform and not follow on convictions. Help us follow you where you go and call. help us trust the plans you have for us. In your name we pray, amen.
Sunday, February 17, 2013
Tolerance
The themes of the last few Sunday sermons have included a few slams against tolerance. My knee jerk reaction is to go: "WHAT? Tolerance is so important. What are you talking about?" But then I realize there are subtleties to tolerance that have been overlooked in the sermon discussion. My immediate definition of tolerance that comes to mind is probably not the one the pastor is talking about. The idea that we should accept people different than us and respect them is way way way different than tolerating sin, but the term is used interchangeably. The pastor is not saying we should be intolerant people, but we should be intolerant of sin... I think. I don't know, I'm new to the denomination...
As a teacher, I embrace and enjoy being tolerant of all sorts of different perspectives my students bring to the classroom. In the cities I live and have lived and the communities I have and am apart of, I LOVE the differences and the challenges and difficulties that their "diversity" brings. I am all for mixing up different life views, philosophies, even religions. It keeps one sharp and aware of the truth of the gospel and how it is for ALL people. Also, I think diversity reflects the ulta creative God we have that is omnipotent and who can totally handle opposing sides and views and personalities.
But, when I think about it, there are things I do not tolerate. As in, a few deal breakers within my marriage. Behaviors I completely do not allow in my household or classroom. Things I abhor and will fight against and punish, etcetc. Disrespect is one. Dishonesty is another. And Daniel knows that if he ever cheated on me, our marriage would be over. Completely unable to tolerate (handle, live with) betrayal of trust or intimacy. I am completely intolerable when it comes to that.
And I am also really unable to handle bratty behavior by my two year old. Tend to nip that in the bud as effectively as I can, when I realize it (have a baby, sometimes I am lax and have to retrain her).
Things I should be more intolerant about but require too much confrontation:
-friends living with their to be husbands (worked out for all of them, but still iffy...don't want to be judgy, but would never be comfortable with it myself... this is probably what the pastor was talking about in the sermon...)
- people making discriminatory remarks
- intolerant people with regards to immigration, same sex rights, other religions and political beliefs
Things I tolerate, but I am cowardly about:
-a lot of church policies that exclude women in some way or reduce their agency and voices or abilities to be ministered or to minister
-telling people i disagree with them about x, y or z.
- people who drink soda regularly (i cringe if it's not a once or twice a year thing. it's soo gross and unhealthy. how can you put it in your body??)
- bad grammar (wait...pretty intolerant about that)
-TV ( hate it, and yet, still watch it. i'm tolerant of it, but if i never watched it again, my life would be a success).
I am all for tolerance. Think it is needed in the kingdom of God. Jesus tolerated sinners and the Pharisees (though not so much the Pharisees). He tolerates us in all our weird and imperfect ways. A good Christian is a tolerant one... except when it comes to sin. We are not to be tolerant of destructive sin in our lives or the lives of others. Don't you dare lie, cheat, steal, or murder!!! especially with regards to me!
As a teacher, I embrace and enjoy being tolerant of all sorts of different perspectives my students bring to the classroom. In the cities I live and have lived and the communities I have and am apart of, I LOVE the differences and the challenges and difficulties that their "diversity" brings. I am all for mixing up different life views, philosophies, even religions. It keeps one sharp and aware of the truth of the gospel and how it is for ALL people. Also, I think diversity reflects the ulta creative God we have that is omnipotent and who can totally handle opposing sides and views and personalities.
But, when I think about it, there are things I do not tolerate. As in, a few deal breakers within my marriage. Behaviors I completely do not allow in my household or classroom. Things I abhor and will fight against and punish, etcetc. Disrespect is one. Dishonesty is another. And Daniel knows that if he ever cheated on me, our marriage would be over. Completely unable to tolerate (handle, live with) betrayal of trust or intimacy. I am completely intolerable when it comes to that.
And I am also really unable to handle bratty behavior by my two year old. Tend to nip that in the bud as effectively as I can, when I realize it (have a baby, sometimes I am lax and have to retrain her).
Things I should be more intolerant about but require too much confrontation:
-friends living with their to be husbands (worked out for all of them, but still iffy...don't want to be judgy, but would never be comfortable with it myself... this is probably what the pastor was talking about in the sermon...)
- people making discriminatory remarks
- intolerant people with regards to immigration, same sex rights, other religions and political beliefs
Things I tolerate, but I am cowardly about:
-a lot of church policies that exclude women in some way or reduce their agency and voices or abilities to be ministered or to minister
-telling people i disagree with them about x, y or z.
- people who drink soda regularly (i cringe if it's not a once or twice a year thing. it's soo gross and unhealthy. how can you put it in your body??)
- bad grammar (wait...pretty intolerant about that)
-TV ( hate it, and yet, still watch it. i'm tolerant of it, but if i never watched it again, my life would be a success).
I am all for tolerance. Think it is needed in the kingdom of God. Jesus tolerated sinners and the Pharisees (though not so much the Pharisees). He tolerates us in all our weird and imperfect ways. A good Christian is a tolerant one... except when it comes to sin. We are not to be tolerant of destructive sin in our lives or the lives of others. Don't you dare lie, cheat, steal, or murder!!! especially with regards to me!
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
Friends versus DBs
A girl my husband went to college with just wrote a funny post on her blog about finding a new best friend. She referenced one of the funniest new televisions out there, the Mindy Project, saying, "Best friend isn't a person, it's tier." While she went on to lament her lack of intimate acquaintances here in Durham, I started to lament my lack of a drinking buddy.
Cs Lewis has this quote about friends that ends with "you,too?" "You,too? You like the same things I do? You also flip out over silly, nonsensical things? You, too, read French literature and listen to random French rap?!" The joy and excitement of someone who enjoys the same things as you is the spark and beginning of deep true friendships, so CS Lewis surmised.
Right now, these days, I want: "you, too? you, too, want a drink and forget being peed on, whined at, picking up 40 bijillion toys, and cleaning 10 hundred spills in the last four hours? And want to talk about something non kid related even though i have zero knowledge of current events, popular trends, and any sports? Awesome! Let's leave the kids with dad and go!"
As wonderful as best friendships are, I'm not there anymore. I have two kids, a husband, and a part time job.and soon a garden. I don't need an intense, intimate relationship (have one, am married, check). I don't need any more dependency relationships( can barely handle my two year old meltdowns, not really able to handle adult ones). I don't have time to discuss life philosophies- diapers, feedings, booboos, and timeout are always calling and interrupting.
What I need/want is a drinking buddy. Someone who can live in the moment, not expect too much out of me, remind what it is to have adult 'not taking care of smaller human beings 24/7' time and not care if I drop off the planet every other week or so. That sounds so fantastic. Drinking would be an added plus as I often desperate want to do something unmommyish and drinking usually feels like the ultimate mommy rebellion. Whohoo, let's let go and unwind! Bottoms up! Running is also a favorite alternative (though I'm not as fast as I used to be. My two year might be able to keep up with me. dang!)
Maybe there be a time in the future when I need someone who can be on my best friend tier who is in the same city as me. But in the meantime, my mommy friends will suffice, even though we barely have two sentences said before we run off after one of our young'uns. Oh, motherhood! or oh, parenthood. how we crave adult interactions! Still think a drinking buddy is the best option. Salud!
Cs Lewis has this quote about friends that ends with "you,too?" "You,too? You like the same things I do? You also flip out over silly, nonsensical things? You, too, read French literature and listen to random French rap?!" The joy and excitement of someone who enjoys the same things as you is the spark and beginning of deep true friendships, so CS Lewis surmised.
Right now, these days, I want: "you, too? you, too, want a drink and forget being peed on, whined at, picking up 40 bijillion toys, and cleaning 10 hundred spills in the last four hours? And want to talk about something non kid related even though i have zero knowledge of current events, popular trends, and any sports? Awesome! Let's leave the kids with dad and go!"
As wonderful as best friendships are, I'm not there anymore. I have two kids, a husband, and a part time job.and soon a garden. I don't need an intense, intimate relationship (have one, am married, check). I don't need any more dependency relationships( can barely handle my two year old meltdowns, not really able to handle adult ones). I don't have time to discuss life philosophies- diapers, feedings, booboos, and timeout are always calling and interrupting.
What I need/want is a drinking buddy. Someone who can live in the moment, not expect too much out of me, remind what it is to have adult 'not taking care of smaller human beings 24/7' time and not care if I drop off the planet every other week or so. That sounds so fantastic. Drinking would be an added plus as I often desperate want to do something unmommyish and drinking usually feels like the ultimate mommy rebellion. Whohoo, let's let go and unwind! Bottoms up! Running is also a favorite alternative (though I'm not as fast as I used to be. My two year might be able to keep up with me. dang!)
Maybe there be a time in the future when I need someone who can be on my best friend tier who is in the same city as me. But in the meantime, my mommy friends will suffice, even though we barely have two sentences said before we run off after one of our young'uns. Oh, motherhood! or oh, parenthood. how we crave adult interactions! Still think a drinking buddy is the best option. Salud!
Sweet womanly fellowship
Ok. That title sounds super creepy. I'm not trying to be creepy, but I am trying to express how nice it is to go to a women's group, of all ages, and shoot the breeze.
I've missed that and needed that for a long while. A place where you feel comfortable and at home to open up and share and be a bit vulnerable.
And I can't believe I found it at a pca church. Not that I judge them (okay, maybe I do), but I just have a lot of issues with their all male leadership and the whole male only presbyters and elders and deacons thing. The only place where you'd see a woman is by the children's ministry title. Riles me up, saddens me, and I write them off, all at the same time.
But, it's the first church in Durham, where I have 'felt' happy- where there's been a spark. A glimmer of, seeing myself digging roots, finding holy communion with my family. There door's open and the burden feels light. Feel, maybe, perhaps, the Spirit is (finally) moving (again).
Looking forward to Monday night hangouts with these ladies. Looking forward to some good community. Some give and take. Some body and blood of Christ working in relationships, easy or hard, but anointed with the oil of fellowship. Amen and hallelujah!
I've missed that and needed that for a long while. A place where you feel comfortable and at home to open up and share and be a bit vulnerable.
And I can't believe I found it at a pca church. Not that I judge them (okay, maybe I do), but I just have a lot of issues with their all male leadership and the whole male only presbyters and elders and deacons thing. The only place where you'd see a woman is by the children's ministry title. Riles me up, saddens me, and I write them off, all at the same time.
But, it's the first church in Durham, where I have 'felt' happy- where there's been a spark. A glimmer of, seeing myself digging roots, finding holy communion with my family. There door's open and the burden feels light. Feel, maybe, perhaps, the Spirit is (finally) moving (again).
Looking forward to Monday night hangouts with these ladies. Looking forward to some good community. Some give and take. Some body and blood of Christ working in relationships, easy or hard, but anointed with the oil of fellowship. Amen and hallelujah!
Friday, October 5, 2012
The Idol of Peace
We are in the midst of the babymoon- the time I call right after birth where we live in a little bubble of peace and tranquility as we adjust to having a new one around. Evelyn's babymoon was such a restful, peaceful, and joyful time as we watched her eat, sleep, and poop with family around us, not much to do during the day, but rest and get acquainted with our new little one. The same thing is happening with Charles. Parents are in town to help with Evelyn. Every morning starts out with family cuddle time in our bed and we fall deeper and deeper in love with new baby Charles and our little family. I love this time. I crave this time. I guard this time as a restful and peaceful time. I protect this time for our family.
As I realize this and cherish it and store it away to ponder in my heart, I realize what I really am desiring is peace. I need peace. I need this time to be peaceful and so I strive to make it happen. I am a person of peace, someone who strives for it and wishes it to be in every area of my life. That is a lofty wish because conflict abounds everywhere (and I am awful about conflict), but at home, with my family, I do have to ability to make it a place of peace. And so I do go after it.
And what exactly is peace? To me, it's the rhythm and routine of the day that allows for work and rest and full enjoyment of those around me. It's space to do all that needs to get done without anxiety or rushing about or stress. It's a everything in its place and having a place for everything. It's being prepared for the unexpected and grace for the bumps and bruises along the way. It's calm strength. It's a good attitude. It's the strong, quiet joy of God's love emanating from deep within. It's gratitude and grace. It's a form of love.
I am not sure why I grasp tightly these images of peace, but I know that I need them. I know that I can't always live its bubble, even though I want to, but i will make the most of the time i have in it. I know that the valleys of the shadow of death will come, but the memories of green pastures where my soul is restored will remind me. Remind me that the Lord God is a God of Love and peace and rest. And I can rest in Him, love and be loved to the glory of His name. Amen.
As I realize this and cherish it and store it away to ponder in my heart, I realize what I really am desiring is peace. I need peace. I need this time to be peaceful and so I strive to make it happen. I am a person of peace, someone who strives for it and wishes it to be in every area of my life. That is a lofty wish because conflict abounds everywhere (and I am awful about conflict), but at home, with my family, I do have to ability to make it a place of peace. And so I do go after it.
And what exactly is peace? To me, it's the rhythm and routine of the day that allows for work and rest and full enjoyment of those around me. It's space to do all that needs to get done without anxiety or rushing about or stress. It's a everything in its place and having a place for everything. It's being prepared for the unexpected and grace for the bumps and bruises along the way. It's calm strength. It's a good attitude. It's the strong, quiet joy of God's love emanating from deep within. It's gratitude and grace. It's a form of love.
I am not sure why I grasp tightly these images of peace, but I know that I need them. I know that I can't always live its bubble, even though I want to, but i will make the most of the time i have in it. I know that the valleys of the shadow of death will come, but the memories of green pastures where my soul is restored will remind me. Remind me that the Lord God is a God of Love and peace and rest. And I can rest in Him, love and be loved to the glory of His name. Amen.
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Wait, wait, waiting
So I've been in "labor" for about two weeks. Not active labor, though at times I thought, finally! But the early, latent, let's get to 4 cm and make life uncomfortable labor. Half of me think my body shuts down labor because how it reacts to pain. Or I am just that good at my relaxation exercises. And, oh my, the emotional rollercoasters these 'faux' Braxton Hicks, latent whatever you want to call it labor contractions have sent me on! I am *trying* to have a better attitude about pregnancy, but it's pretty much the worse thing that has ever happened to me and yeah yeah I get a baby, but the toil, the work, the agony, the intense suffering I go through to get that baby. I could do without the experience. Not to say that I don't love the child I have (who is the most fun thing on the planet, the biggest joy and comedian ever) or I won't love this one (the tease who will probably be just as precocious and fun loving as his sister), I'm just saying, I don't need to ever be pregnant again. Ever. Unless there's divine intervention and God wants to torture me another 10 months because of my character flaws or to show me an ironic twist of grace like some Flannery O'Connor story. Yeah, I am failing at that good attitude about pregnancy. It's thrown me for a loop and I am not sure I'll ever wrap my head around it or understand how it's allowed to exist. Okay, I'll stop. This post was supposed to be about failure.
My darling husband, DH, is reading a book about some guy who likes to be different and argues for a 4 hour work week. Daniel likes to read out loud a passage every once in awhile about some crazy venture or thought this guy has. One of the passages he read was about dealing with failure. It went something along the lines of 'somebody's success can be directly correlated to amount of uncomfortable conversations they are willing to have' or basically, how willing a person is able to face their fears and what they are afraid of failing at. It has lead to some great food for thought. Because, though I would consider myself somewhat of a fearless person, willing to put myself out there, and push myself out of my comfort zones, I also have really deep fears of failure and fear of other rather silly things (like uncomfortable conversations with people- cannot cannot have negative conversations with people, it's sooo awful!).
Currently, I am enrolled in two grad classes in order to do a teacher license recert. One class plays to my strength and the other plays to my fears (like most of the classes I took in college- oh i enjoy the difficult paths of life). A bad grade on one of my homework assignments sent me down the trail of feeling like a failure and all my insecurities and what have you about my 'intelligence' (okay to be specific, my geospatial reasoning that boys are way better at than girls) came tumbling back. Then Daniel hits me with this quote and I realize, well, what do I realize? That it's okay to a vulnerable girl in a class and field dominated by men and to not know everything already (hence the point of the class????). I do really enjoy math, but i have never ever thought i was good at it. I mean I can get by. But never ever will I ever be able to get a masters or a phd or anything of that ilk because... well, it's hard. My brain doesn't naturally think in n-space and I am insecure about what I do know. It's the typical research study showing why girls aren't in more math and science fields (because supposedly boys don't have insecurities about asking questions and understanding what they know, but girls do). I have a huge fear of failing math, but I am unwilling to face my fear and ask the questions I need to in order to gain the knowledge and understanding I need, and so I fail... It's like the cycle of poverty. And somehow facing that fear and knowing that fear, I can slowly overcome it and be what the heck what if I sound like a ditz. Who cares (besides me!)? So what if I am not the smartest in the class anymore. What do I need to protect? My ego?
Oh, it's awful this overcoming inborn tendency to protect and preserve inner positive thoughts about one's abilities. But okay. And yes, I am sure there is a spiritual application in here somewhere. A lesson in learning humility? Fear as a sin that prevents us from doing what we need to do? A lesson in being bold and courageous like Joshua? Because there are problems out there in the world that need bold people being the hands and feet of Jesus, not fearing our inevitable failures to love our neighbors and God, but doing it just the same? Sure. It's not that hard to extrapolate. Because, you know what happens when you face yours fears or failures? You somehow enjoy life, enjoy God and his gifts more. At least, I do. I enjoy math more when I overcome any wrong answers and understand more concepts that are crazy, wondrous, and reflective of a bigger mind than my own. And that makes me filled- with a love of a God who knows all things, loves all things, is all things. It's a cool world out there, if only we put ourselves out there!
My darling husband, DH, is reading a book about some guy who likes to be different and argues for a 4 hour work week. Daniel likes to read out loud a passage every once in awhile about some crazy venture or thought this guy has. One of the passages he read was about dealing with failure. It went something along the lines of 'somebody's success can be directly correlated to amount of uncomfortable conversations they are willing to have' or basically, how willing a person is able to face their fears and what they are afraid of failing at. It has lead to some great food for thought. Because, though I would consider myself somewhat of a fearless person, willing to put myself out there, and push myself out of my comfort zones, I also have really deep fears of failure and fear of other rather silly things (like uncomfortable conversations with people- cannot cannot have negative conversations with people, it's sooo awful!).
Currently, I am enrolled in two grad classes in order to do a teacher license recert. One class plays to my strength and the other plays to my fears (like most of the classes I took in college- oh i enjoy the difficult paths of life). A bad grade on one of my homework assignments sent me down the trail of feeling like a failure and all my insecurities and what have you about my 'intelligence' (okay to be specific, my geospatial reasoning that boys are way better at than girls) came tumbling back. Then Daniel hits me with this quote and I realize, well, what do I realize? That it's okay to a vulnerable girl in a class and field dominated by men and to not know everything already (hence the point of the class????). I do really enjoy math, but i have never ever thought i was good at it. I mean I can get by. But never ever will I ever be able to get a masters or a phd or anything of that ilk because... well, it's hard. My brain doesn't naturally think in n-space and I am insecure about what I do know. It's the typical research study showing why girls aren't in more math and science fields (because supposedly boys don't have insecurities about asking questions and understanding what they know, but girls do). I have a huge fear of failing math, but I am unwilling to face my fear and ask the questions I need to in order to gain the knowledge and understanding I need, and so I fail... It's like the cycle of poverty. And somehow facing that fear and knowing that fear, I can slowly overcome it and be what the heck what if I sound like a ditz. Who cares (besides me!)? So what if I am not the smartest in the class anymore. What do I need to protect? My ego?
Oh, it's awful this overcoming inborn tendency to protect and preserve inner positive thoughts about one's abilities. But okay. And yes, I am sure there is a spiritual application in here somewhere. A lesson in learning humility? Fear as a sin that prevents us from doing what we need to do? A lesson in being bold and courageous like Joshua? Because there are problems out there in the world that need bold people being the hands and feet of Jesus, not fearing our inevitable failures to love our neighbors and God, but doing it just the same? Sure. It's not that hard to extrapolate. Because, you know what happens when you face yours fears or failures? You somehow enjoy life, enjoy God and his gifts more. At least, I do. I enjoy math more when I overcome any wrong answers and understand more concepts that are crazy, wondrous, and reflective of a bigger mind than my own. And that makes me filled- with a love of a God who knows all things, loves all things, is all things. It's a cool world out there, if only we put ourselves out there!
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Written four years ago- during or right after grad school
A broken glass
Yet again, the dishes stacked up around the sink. Yet again, while cleaning the cereal bowls, food encrusted plates, and coffee mugs , I broke a glass. It was the second time within a week. I wasn't so annoyed or bothered as I could have been. I accepted the fact that my clumsy and sometimes careless self has a knack for hitting the counter at the wrong time and maybe even has a propensity for watching dishes fall to the floor. And I thought I could use the accident to let off some steam about how, though, yet again, I am the one who is washing other people's dishes. Maybe a thought or two crept in that said serves them right if I broke one of their glasses that they left for someone else to clean. But as I picked up the little bits and pieces of glass, I started thinking on a much more deeper, profound, redemptive level.
A broken glass is a great a metaphor for brokenness in our lives. Be it a broken relationship, an area of sin, or some conflict that wears heavy on the soul. Brokenness happens and shatters us, whether it is our fault or others or a result of the corrupted world we live in. How we react and what we do with the broken pieces, speaks to our faith in Christ. Do we understand what to do with broken glass, with a broken life? As I picked up the pieces, I fought the desire to just leave the glass shards on the floor. It's annoying to get out the broom or the wet dish towels to get all the little slivers from the cracks and crevices on our brick floor ( yes, we have a brick kitchen floor).
God has shown me a bit about how to react to brokenness. In sum, God picks us up and equips us as a people to deal with broken glass. He does not leave shards on the floor, nor should we.
Once, when I dropped a can of tomato sauce, I said to myself sarcastically, " Oh, what joy having children will be." Images of all sorts of spills and disgusting things I'd have to clean as a mother ran through my brain. In my imagination, there was a little person with big eyes watching my every move. Would I have a good attitude when I bent down to wipe it all up? Would I be thorough or cut corners like I wanted to? Would I scar the kid with sarcasm and anger and criticalness, just because I had had a bad day and the last thing I had wanted to do was to clean up something else?
I noted to myself in the midst of this daydream, 'you still need to grow up, Sarah,' as I forced myself to get every corner and sticky spot. I could not leave what I had spilled for my roommates to deal with and my parents were no where within the vicinity to encourage strains of spoiled brat dependency by doing it for me. My natural lazy tendency is to do a half-hearted job. It's a discipline for me to take care of my own messes. And through that discipline comes a reward of doing a job well.
That story is to say I think that is how we need to deal with messes in our lives. We have to come before God and ask him to clean every sticky corner and dirty crevice. With patience and diligence and God's help must we bring before Him these messes so that they are cleaned up. We accept responsibility for them, even if it's inconvenient, and do not leave them to grow mold and aqcuire other yuckiness.
Once reaction is to be grumpy about wiping up the red liquid mess from the floor (and where ever else it had splattered). As I work with kids, I am hyper-aware of how I react to situations and I even analyze those reactions. Everything an adult does, kids absorb like sponges; so little is lost on them. Because of this fact, I often rationalize everything I do in order to turn every moment of life into a teachable moment should it be necessary. So what would I teach a kid who saw me clean up tomato sauce grumbling to myself? Hmm, not things they would be allowed to mimic. They would be immediately reprimanded if they had a bad attitude about it.
Not to say I had a good attitude today with the glass, but I recovered quicker. I think part of growing up is learning to exhibit a certain patience and knowledge that I am the person to take care of the mess and it is my responsibility to do so with out begrudging it. It's not that big of a deal and I shouldn't throw a fit. So deja-vuing, I carefully bent down to pick up all the shards of this glass I broke this Saturday morning. Remembering is dangerous, once you start it snowballs. I then began to think to all the times I have broken things in my life, be it abstract or relational or myself, as a result of my own volition and sinful nature.
I thought to the many times I refused to pick up the shards of broken events. The times I refused to accept or acknowledge responsibilities and consequences of my sins and actions. A few of these times have stuck in my head. Times I broke a glass in my life and did not clean it up but left the slivers and shavings of glass on the floor. They stuck in my heart in deep places embedded themselves in with hurt and pain and wretchedness. I could get specific and probably name almost all the pieces of glass I've left there in my heart. It's only through the last couple years, when God's brought me through certain circumstances, has He removed them one by one, placed them before me, and thrown them out. It's been a slow, painful process. I feel like glass re-wounds as it is pulled out. Sometimes it takes awhile to heal properly. Muscles and tendons have to reorder themselves around the shards and they have to reorient to their intended places. There's a process to healing and after healing, there's still scar tissue to suffer.
So, as I picked up the broken glass and swept all the little bits in the dust pan, I asked myself why. What was so hard about cleaning up the broken pieces when they happened? Why haven't I dealt with my sins immediately? Wouldn't that be easier in the long run? Was it because I can have a begrudging attitude? These questions left me pondering.
By leaving brokenness on the floor of my heart, I most certainly left them there to penetrate more deeply and harmfully than I could have known. Also, those shards I refused to deal with hurt others. Why did I refuse to clean them up? By cleaning up, I imply repentance and turning to God to ask Him for grace. Why didn't I trust Him to right the situation, for the power of forgiving and being forgiving? (In the long run, I have, since they've been cleaned up, some of them at least). I am not sure why I ran away from brokenness. Lack of maturity is one reason. Maybe I didn't want to admit I messed up? Maybe I was in shock? Maybe I was still lost and didn't really truly grasp salvation? Human nature? Sin?
As I made sure I had gotten all of the broken pieces off my kitchen floor, I thought to the miraculous process it has been removing all the pieces of glass in my life. God confronted me in a lot of areas and forced me to see and acknowledge all the pieces that were ripping me up and destroying different parts of my heart and maybe my life in recent years. Am I the lost coin? Hopefully!
In the end, what I've learned is that I don't have to have a resentful attitude while repairing or dealing with the brokenness. I am hopeful and see the good in the process of "cleaning up." It is good to know God and to know that is what God does: repairs the brokenhearted. All things are for His glory. He is here to pick up our shattered pieces of iniquity and work with us to make us whole again. In fact, He probably takes us through such broken times in order to teach us more of His ways. So we will able to more fully know His love and and be able to embrace the life He has for us--broken glasses and all. Let's hope we have good attitudes about that!
Yet again, the dishes stacked up around the sink. Yet again, while cleaning the cereal bowls, food encrusted plates, and coffee mugs , I broke a glass. It was the second time within a week. I wasn't so annoyed or bothered as I could have been. I accepted the fact that my clumsy and sometimes careless self has a knack for hitting the counter at the wrong time and maybe even has a propensity for watching dishes fall to the floor. And I thought I could use the accident to let off some steam about how, though, yet again, I am the one who is washing other people's dishes. Maybe a thought or two crept in that said serves them right if I broke one of their glasses that they left for someone else to clean. But as I picked up the little bits and pieces of glass, I started thinking on a much more deeper, profound, redemptive level.
A broken glass is a great a metaphor for brokenness in our lives. Be it a broken relationship, an area of sin, or some conflict that wears heavy on the soul. Brokenness happens and shatters us, whether it is our fault or others or a result of the corrupted world we live in. How we react and what we do with the broken pieces, speaks to our faith in Christ. Do we understand what to do with broken glass, with a broken life? As I picked up the pieces, I fought the desire to just leave the glass shards on the floor. It's annoying to get out the broom or the wet dish towels to get all the little slivers from the cracks and crevices on our brick floor ( yes, we have a brick kitchen floor).
God has shown me a bit about how to react to brokenness. In sum, God picks us up and equips us as a people to deal with broken glass. He does not leave shards on the floor, nor should we.
Once, when I dropped a can of tomato sauce, I said to myself sarcastically, " Oh, what joy having children will be." Images of all sorts of spills and disgusting things I'd have to clean as a mother ran through my brain. In my imagination, there was a little person with big eyes watching my every move. Would I have a good attitude when I bent down to wipe it all up? Would I be thorough or cut corners like I wanted to? Would I scar the kid with sarcasm and anger and criticalness, just because I had had a bad day and the last thing I had wanted to do was to clean up something else?
I noted to myself in the midst of this daydream, 'you still need to grow up, Sarah,' as I forced myself to get every corner and sticky spot. I could not leave what I had spilled for my roommates to deal with and my parents were no where within the vicinity to encourage strains of spoiled brat dependency by doing it for me. My natural lazy tendency is to do a half-hearted job. It's a discipline for me to take care of my own messes. And through that discipline comes a reward of doing a job well.
That story is to say I think that is how we need to deal with messes in our lives. We have to come before God and ask him to clean every sticky corner and dirty crevice. With patience and diligence and God's help must we bring before Him these messes so that they are cleaned up. We accept responsibility for them, even if it's inconvenient, and do not leave them to grow mold and aqcuire other yuckiness.
Once reaction is to be grumpy about wiping up the red liquid mess from the floor (and where ever else it had splattered). As I work with kids, I am hyper-aware of how I react to situations and I even analyze those reactions. Everything an adult does, kids absorb like sponges; so little is lost on them. Because of this fact, I often rationalize everything I do in order to turn every moment of life into a teachable moment should it be necessary. So what would I teach a kid who saw me clean up tomato sauce grumbling to myself? Hmm, not things they would be allowed to mimic. They would be immediately reprimanded if they had a bad attitude about it.
Not to say I had a good attitude today with the glass, but I recovered quicker. I think part of growing up is learning to exhibit a certain patience and knowledge that I am the person to take care of the mess and it is my responsibility to do so with out begrudging it. It's not that big of a deal and I shouldn't throw a fit. So deja-vuing, I carefully bent down to pick up all the shards of this glass I broke this Saturday morning. Remembering is dangerous, once you start it snowballs. I then began to think to all the times I have broken things in my life, be it abstract or relational or myself, as a result of my own volition and sinful nature.
I thought to the many times I refused to pick up the shards of broken events. The times I refused to accept or acknowledge responsibilities and consequences of my sins and actions. A few of these times have stuck in my head. Times I broke a glass in my life and did not clean it up but left the slivers and shavings of glass on the floor. They stuck in my heart in deep places embedded themselves in with hurt and pain and wretchedness. I could get specific and probably name almost all the pieces of glass I've left there in my heart. It's only through the last couple years, when God's brought me through certain circumstances, has He removed them one by one, placed them before me, and thrown them out. It's been a slow, painful process. I feel like glass re-wounds as it is pulled out. Sometimes it takes awhile to heal properly. Muscles and tendons have to reorder themselves around the shards and they have to reorient to their intended places. There's a process to healing and after healing, there's still scar tissue to suffer.
So, as I picked up the broken glass and swept all the little bits in the dust pan, I asked myself why. What was so hard about cleaning up the broken pieces when they happened? Why haven't I dealt with my sins immediately? Wouldn't that be easier in the long run? Was it because I can have a begrudging attitude? These questions left me pondering.
By leaving brokenness on the floor of my heart, I most certainly left them there to penetrate more deeply and harmfully than I could have known. Also, those shards I refused to deal with hurt others. Why did I refuse to clean them up? By cleaning up, I imply repentance and turning to God to ask Him for grace. Why didn't I trust Him to right the situation, for the power of forgiving and being forgiving? (In the long run, I have, since they've been cleaned up, some of them at least). I am not sure why I ran away from brokenness. Lack of maturity is one reason. Maybe I didn't want to admit I messed up? Maybe I was in shock? Maybe I was still lost and didn't really truly grasp salvation? Human nature? Sin?
As I made sure I had gotten all of the broken pieces off my kitchen floor, I thought to the miraculous process it has been removing all the pieces of glass in my life. God confronted me in a lot of areas and forced me to see and acknowledge all the pieces that were ripping me up and destroying different parts of my heart and maybe my life in recent years. Am I the lost coin? Hopefully!
In the end, what I've learned is that I don't have to have a resentful attitude while repairing or dealing with the brokenness. I am hopeful and see the good in the process of "cleaning up." It is good to know God and to know that is what God does: repairs the brokenhearted. All things are for His glory. He is here to pick up our shattered pieces of iniquity and work with us to make us whole again. In fact, He probably takes us through such broken times in order to teach us more of His ways. So we will able to more fully know His love and and be able to embrace the life He has for us--broken glasses and all. Let's hope we have good attitudes about that!
Sunday, August 12, 2012
Weakness
There's a gradual realization creeping upon me that as much as I love teaching, it also physically undermines me in such a way that I might need to reconsider my options. I spent the last week fighting a rather painful infection common to teachers who never leave the classroom if they can help it.
I am slowly recovering. Again. This same infection laid me out in my previous pregnancy and even before I was pregnant and teaching ( popping 4 advil a day seemed to keep the pain away). And the pain. Oh my goodness. So much pain. Luckily, after much drama with my doctors to get me meds, I only suffered a little less than two weeks this time. It took at least a month and a week of me sitting on a couch not working for me to figure out what was wrong with me.
So I am weak. So weak. From fighting this dang infection. And I was scared. Scared my doctors wouldnt listen to me and my pain and make me suffer and I'd have to go into labor with most of energy sapped out of me. Because I am tired. Who knows when I'll get a decent energy level back to function at a somewhat normal level.
And it all breaks me. I cannot do what I think I should be able to do. I am broken. Have been broken and thought the pieces had been mended, but it seems that God always has a different path for me to go down. And I am either too stiff necked or inattentive to the whispers that I continually need to be reminded of pain. Of brokenness. Of sacrifice. Christ broke his body for us. Those who have suffered chronic, debilitating pain can somewhat understand or imagine the significance of those words. Broken means pain. Christ died for us, broken and in pain.
And then he was resurrected and restored and filled. Last week I talked about being filled and I know it is only because I have been broken that I have been filled. I only know what fullness is because I have been broken and restored by God's mighty hand. And I don't think that connection clicked until this week when I found myself suffering excruciating pain once again and realizing how it has changed me. Humbled me a bit, I hope. But it also has made me more receptive to God's love and care and truth.
I am in God's hands so he can fashion me as he wants to. And I trust him. Even if He continually reminds me of my weakness and brokenness and i don't understand why.
I am slowly recovering. Again. This same infection laid me out in my previous pregnancy and even before I was pregnant and teaching ( popping 4 advil a day seemed to keep the pain away). And the pain. Oh my goodness. So much pain. Luckily, after much drama with my doctors to get me meds, I only suffered a little less than two weeks this time. It took at least a month and a week of me sitting on a couch not working for me to figure out what was wrong with me.
So I am weak. So weak. From fighting this dang infection. And I was scared. Scared my doctors wouldnt listen to me and my pain and make me suffer and I'd have to go into labor with most of energy sapped out of me. Because I am tired. Who knows when I'll get a decent energy level back to function at a somewhat normal level.
And it all breaks me. I cannot do what I think I should be able to do. I am broken. Have been broken and thought the pieces had been mended, but it seems that God always has a different path for me to go down. And I am either too stiff necked or inattentive to the whispers that I continually need to be reminded of pain. Of brokenness. Of sacrifice. Christ broke his body for us. Those who have suffered chronic, debilitating pain can somewhat understand or imagine the significance of those words. Broken means pain. Christ died for us, broken and in pain.
And then he was resurrected and restored and filled. Last week I talked about being filled and I know it is only because I have been broken that I have been filled. I only know what fullness is because I have been broken and restored by God's mighty hand. And I don't think that connection clicked until this week when I found myself suffering excruciating pain once again and realizing how it has changed me. Humbled me a bit, I hope. But it also has made me more receptive to God's love and care and truth.
I am in God's hands so he can fashion me as he wants to. And I trust him. Even if He continually reminds me of my weakness and brokenness and i don't understand why.
Friday, August 10, 2012
How to raise a toddler
I realize with baby number two approaching that I have very clear rules, tenets if you will, to child-raising that make my life easier. These will be all important in the coming days. But at the same time, nothing is as hard as teaching in an inner city middle school classroom, so I am not that stressed about another little one. Mamahood has been pretty easy in comparison, knock on wood. It is way easier to deal with one child than twenty, especially when I am the one with ultimate disciplinary and character building authority. It is easier to form my own child's character and discipline the way I want it to be, then to have to 'undo', 'reshape', conform other people's children who are not up to my standards of behavior. SO MUCH EASIER. It's also easier to get my child to do what I want them to do because I have so much time in the world to build that relationship. In a classroom, there's never enough time for anything and there probably shouldn't be, but at the same time, one on one conversations are really important to have in the classroom, but a teacher can't always have as many as she needs.
In short, I've been thinking about my approach to child raising and I've compiled a list of my rules that I abide by that make my life easier. Many of them I picked up from teaching middle school, believe it or not. Please enjoy. Also, FYI, baby is what we call ourselves and by ourselves I mean Evelyn. In the toddler world, everything is third-first person.
1. A fussy baby goes to bed. Or gets something to eat. But usually the first option. If a baby isn't happy, it is usually because they are hungry, tired, or need a diaper change. Or maybe in need of a break after over simulation. In any case, some alone time in bed usually works any problems out. And this problem resolution takes less than 10 minutes most of the time.
2. A fussy baby puts herself to sleep. It's a good self soothing, character building exercise. Mama does not need to prolong the sleep and tire herself out by coddling her toddler to nap or sleep. Think of it as an act to learn independence and autonomy. The baby will have to deal with her own problems in the future, might as well let her start now.
3. Babies must listen the first time. I'm only going to ask once. If I have to ask twice, immediate time out, removal of toy/food item/activity. I've spent way too much time repeating myself as a teacher. I am not going to spend any more breath or time getting people to do what they need to do as a mother. I WISH MORE PARENTS DID THIS. MEAN WHAT YOU SAY. AND BACK UP WITH CONSEQUENCES. Your child will be a good listener and so much more pleasurable to deal with. if not, don't worry, i have no problem enforcing this rule on other children. Sometimes a " what did I just ask you to do?" and "do you want a time out/ negative consequence" sends the necessary back up message that i mean what i say and i am only going to say it one time and only one time before you get in trouble.
4. Give baby two options that you, the parent, are okay with it. Do not give them open ended choices- you'll never get anywhere and it opens the door for them to learn how to manipulate you if you try too hard to cater to their 'wishes.'' Half the time they don't know what they want, but find the game of power struggle awfully fun. If they refuse your choices, decide to lay down the hammer or let them express their opinion. Alternate between the two. It's good for baby to know boundaries and learn how to choose with limited options. Other times, it's good for baby to have a strong opinion and to fight for it. I try balance between the two which often means discerning which times have the potential for manipulation and the times my child will benefit from letting her decide something. Don't deny them either experience.
5. Babies must say sorry and make a gesture of reconciliation after hurting someone or doing something wrong. Gestures can be a hug or a high five to be made after a timeout and saying sorry. Sorry isn't enough, babies have to repair the relationship by an appropriate gesture. (this is me doing what my parents did that often prevent grudges from forming and resets the balance of peace in some way).
6. Babies help with chores and tasks as soon as they can walk and understand commands. If baby purposely throws something on the floor, then baby picks it up. If baby has trash, she puts it in the trash can. The baby doesn't have to clean up her entire room, but she can help do little things. Babies are natural helpers. Mamas should not do everything and should try to let baby help out as much as possible. Especially, if there's a littler baby around. I'm all for autonomy and independence as soon as possible- call it Montessori if you will. I think a happy baby is one who feels empowered and a contributor and works as soon as she can.
7. Teach babies to sign and communicate (E started at around 10 months doing signs back). Walk them through how to communicate their feelings and wants and needs. Tell them what's appropriate and not appropriate. Make them ask for things. Make them ask for things without fussing. Explain everything. Tell them it's okay to feel anger and frustrated and sad ( but not okay to act out on it). Tell them to say they are sad or angry or mad. Make them say want they want. Tell them that they can want, but sometimes not have if it is not appropriate. REALLY IMPORTANT FUTURE CONFLICT RESOLUTION SKILLS THAT ARE BUILDING HERE. Seriously, if only more people in the world could communicate how they are feeling, what they want or need, and be okay with a positive or negative response (that is an acknowledge and probably enough for negative emotions). How many times do I model this for my middle schoolers: Say " I am upset you called me xyz. That is not okay. Please apologize. If you don't apologize, I will [take it to the next level/tell the teacher] and because it is an act of bullying expect detention " Don't punch them in the face. Girls, especially, need this communication skill in life.What I say to evelyn when upset: "I understand and am sorry you are upset and it is okay to be upset. But, you cannot act on it in a negative way. If you need space or x or y, that's fine, but you cannot z, otherwise you'll get a timeout. " I'm big on time-outs.
8. Treat toddlers with respect like you would any adult. A toddler is still a human being with dignity. They deserve explanations for actions. They should be asked calmly to do things. They do not deserve your anger. Or if they do, they will pick up on how to treat people angrily. THe world is a confusing place to be a kid, with usually only a parent as a link to deciphering it. If a parent yells and puts them in time-out in an aggressive manner without explaining, the child is left clueless and upset and often shut down. Ugh, I saw one parent do this at the playground and it drove me nuts! A calm response is best. Instead of whipping your child out of the situation and telling them they are bad for disobeying, model what the correct behavior was and then give them a time out. Instead of "Bobby, you get a spanking" violent picking up and yelling. Say, "Bobby, that was not right. Please say sorry to this little girl. And you are getting a time out because we don't xyz." DO NOT SHUT DOWN YOUR CHILD. THEY DO NOT AUTOMATICALLY KNOW your behavior expectations- so explain them to them. IF you don't, pretty sure your child will hate you most of their childhood, grudgingly give you respect, and high-tail it out of your house and rebel against anything you have ever told them. Christian parents who spank, I am talking to you. Maybe 1 case in 10 probably spanks appropriately and does what is necessary, but in the other 9 times- you probably let your anger get the best of you and crush your child's soul. Disciplining should never be done in anger or when upset. It should have a teaching moment and a positive behavior or action to be done as a follow up. It is very easy to lose a child's respect if you "demand" obedience with force. Not even God "demands" things of us. He offers us choices and wants us to partner with Him in doing the right thing. That's also another tactic of mine, especially in the classroom, reminding people that they have a choice: to do what is right or to not and suffer these consequences. And I give them that choice to make. I like empowered people, not people driven by cowering fear. Pretty sure the whole reason God sent Christ was to empower us as well "to be full heirs with Christ."
9. Otherwise, let children do what they want to do. Explore, play, jump, laugh and make a mess. My child will never be the cleanest or the calmest child all the time, but she will be inquisitive, curious, observant, social, and interactive. And interesting. Every child has a different brain and letting it set the pace (and nurturing it when appropriate) will develop another huge gift and asset to the world. There will be times to make them do what they don't want, but for the most part, toddlerdom is about establishing trust and security and building neurons paths in a healthy environment. Letting them enjoy their interests activates good parts of the brain that will set them up to be brilliant in the future.
10. Establish routines. Babies, children, middle schoolers, and adults all love routines. It makes them happy and safe. A baby who knows she will eat, sleep, play at regular times is a happy baby. Too much activity can stress a baby out. If there's a rhythm to the day, they tend to have less fits, less fights, less unhappiness. For this reason, I sometimes dread traveling with a young-one. Their schedule gets off and I as a parent have to fight more to get them on some sort of routine which means they sleep less, i sleep less, and everyone is more irritable. Heck, that's why if I want to go somewhere, I want to stay there for a while. I don't like even being the tourist- I'd rather live in a different place for a month or so to truly absorb the experience. But that's me.
I'm sure i have others, but these I think are the really important ones. I want my child healthy(mentally, physically, emotionally, socially, and spiritually), content, and ready to forge her own path in the world, while enjoying every minute of life. And these are tenets that will get her there. With prayer and love of course. How do you think I came up with them?
In short, I've been thinking about my approach to child raising and I've compiled a list of my rules that I abide by that make my life easier. Many of them I picked up from teaching middle school, believe it or not. Please enjoy. Also, FYI, baby is what we call ourselves and by ourselves I mean Evelyn. In the toddler world, everything is third-first person.
1. A fussy baby goes to bed. Or gets something to eat. But usually the first option. If a baby isn't happy, it is usually because they are hungry, tired, or need a diaper change. Or maybe in need of a break after over simulation. In any case, some alone time in bed usually works any problems out. And this problem resolution takes less than 10 minutes most of the time.
2. A fussy baby puts herself to sleep. It's a good self soothing, character building exercise. Mama does not need to prolong the sleep and tire herself out by coddling her toddler to nap or sleep. Think of it as an act to learn independence and autonomy. The baby will have to deal with her own problems in the future, might as well let her start now.
3. Babies must listen the first time. I'm only going to ask once. If I have to ask twice, immediate time out, removal of toy/food item/activity. I've spent way too much time repeating myself as a teacher. I am not going to spend any more breath or time getting people to do what they need to do as a mother. I WISH MORE PARENTS DID THIS. MEAN WHAT YOU SAY. AND BACK UP WITH CONSEQUENCES. Your child will be a good listener and so much more pleasurable to deal with. if not, don't worry, i have no problem enforcing this rule on other children. Sometimes a " what did I just ask you to do?" and "do you want a time out/ negative consequence" sends the necessary back up message that i mean what i say and i am only going to say it one time and only one time before you get in trouble.
4. Give baby two options that you, the parent, are okay with it. Do not give them open ended choices- you'll never get anywhere and it opens the door for them to learn how to manipulate you if you try too hard to cater to their 'wishes.'' Half the time they don't know what they want, but find the game of power struggle awfully fun. If they refuse your choices, decide to lay down the hammer or let them express their opinion. Alternate between the two. It's good for baby to know boundaries and learn how to choose with limited options. Other times, it's good for baby to have a strong opinion and to fight for it. I try balance between the two which often means discerning which times have the potential for manipulation and the times my child will benefit from letting her decide something. Don't deny them either experience.
5. Babies must say sorry and make a gesture of reconciliation after hurting someone or doing something wrong. Gestures can be a hug or a high five to be made after a timeout and saying sorry. Sorry isn't enough, babies have to repair the relationship by an appropriate gesture. (this is me doing what my parents did that often prevent grudges from forming and resets the balance of peace in some way).
6. Babies help with chores and tasks as soon as they can walk and understand commands. If baby purposely throws something on the floor, then baby picks it up. If baby has trash, she puts it in the trash can. The baby doesn't have to clean up her entire room, but she can help do little things. Babies are natural helpers. Mamas should not do everything and should try to let baby help out as much as possible. Especially, if there's a littler baby around. I'm all for autonomy and independence as soon as possible- call it Montessori if you will. I think a happy baby is one who feels empowered and a contributor and works as soon as she can.
7. Teach babies to sign and communicate (E started at around 10 months doing signs back). Walk them through how to communicate their feelings and wants and needs. Tell them what's appropriate and not appropriate. Make them ask for things. Make them ask for things without fussing. Explain everything. Tell them it's okay to feel anger and frustrated and sad ( but not okay to act out on it). Tell them to say they are sad or angry or mad. Make them say want they want. Tell them that they can want, but sometimes not have if it is not appropriate. REALLY IMPORTANT FUTURE CONFLICT RESOLUTION SKILLS THAT ARE BUILDING HERE. Seriously, if only more people in the world could communicate how they are feeling, what they want or need, and be okay with a positive or negative response (that is an acknowledge and probably enough for negative emotions). How many times do I model this for my middle schoolers: Say " I am upset you called me xyz. That is not okay. Please apologize. If you don't apologize, I will [take it to the next level/tell the teacher] and because it is an act of bullying expect detention " Don't punch them in the face. Girls, especially, need this communication skill in life.What I say to evelyn when upset: "I understand and am sorry you are upset and it is okay to be upset. But, you cannot act on it in a negative way. If you need space or x or y, that's fine, but you cannot z, otherwise you'll get a timeout. " I'm big on time-outs.
8. Treat toddlers with respect like you would any adult. A toddler is still a human being with dignity. They deserve explanations for actions. They should be asked calmly to do things. They do not deserve your anger. Or if they do, they will pick up on how to treat people angrily. THe world is a confusing place to be a kid, with usually only a parent as a link to deciphering it. If a parent yells and puts them in time-out in an aggressive manner without explaining, the child is left clueless and upset and often shut down. Ugh, I saw one parent do this at the playground and it drove me nuts! A calm response is best. Instead of whipping your child out of the situation and telling them they are bad for disobeying, model what the correct behavior was and then give them a time out. Instead of "Bobby, you get a spanking" violent picking up and yelling. Say, "Bobby, that was not right. Please say sorry to this little girl. And you are getting a time out because we don't xyz." DO NOT SHUT DOWN YOUR CHILD. THEY DO NOT AUTOMATICALLY KNOW your behavior expectations- so explain them to them. IF you don't, pretty sure your child will hate you most of their childhood, grudgingly give you respect, and high-tail it out of your house and rebel against anything you have ever told them. Christian parents who spank, I am talking to you. Maybe 1 case in 10 probably spanks appropriately and does what is necessary, but in the other 9 times- you probably let your anger get the best of you and crush your child's soul. Disciplining should never be done in anger or when upset. It should have a teaching moment and a positive behavior or action to be done as a follow up. It is very easy to lose a child's respect if you "demand" obedience with force. Not even God "demands" things of us. He offers us choices and wants us to partner with Him in doing the right thing. That's also another tactic of mine, especially in the classroom, reminding people that they have a choice: to do what is right or to not and suffer these consequences. And I give them that choice to make. I like empowered people, not people driven by cowering fear. Pretty sure the whole reason God sent Christ was to empower us as well "to be full heirs with Christ."
9. Otherwise, let children do what they want to do. Explore, play, jump, laugh and make a mess. My child will never be the cleanest or the calmest child all the time, but she will be inquisitive, curious, observant, social, and interactive. And interesting. Every child has a different brain and letting it set the pace (and nurturing it when appropriate) will develop another huge gift and asset to the world. There will be times to make them do what they don't want, but for the most part, toddlerdom is about establishing trust and security and building neurons paths in a healthy environment. Letting them enjoy their interests activates good parts of the brain that will set them up to be brilliant in the future.
10. Establish routines. Babies, children, middle schoolers, and adults all love routines. It makes them happy and safe. A baby who knows she will eat, sleep, play at regular times is a happy baby. Too much activity can stress a baby out. If there's a rhythm to the day, they tend to have less fits, less fights, less unhappiness. For this reason, I sometimes dread traveling with a young-one. Their schedule gets off and I as a parent have to fight more to get them on some sort of routine which means they sleep less, i sleep less, and everyone is more irritable. Heck, that's why if I want to go somewhere, I want to stay there for a while. I don't like even being the tourist- I'd rather live in a different place for a month or so to truly absorb the experience. But that's me.
I'm sure i have others, but these I think are the really important ones. I want my child healthy(mentally, physically, emotionally, socially, and spiritually), content, and ready to forge her own path in the world, while enjoying every minute of life. And these are tenets that will get her there. With prayer and love of course. How do you think I came up with them?
Monday, August 6, 2012
Bread of life
The gospel scripture reading at church yesterday talked about the miracle of feeding the five thousand and Jesus declaring that he was/is the bread of life. the new testament reading talked about being a part of the body of Christ and uniting under one hope and maturing into the fullness of Christ. The old testament was the icky one about david's fallenness when he kills Uriah to have bathseba.
I don't have too many great insights into these passages. I'm not really in a place of hunger for anything, nor do I really feel part of the church body in any significant way (which is why it's probably good to be reminded of Ephesians 4's one body, one spirit, one hope). I guess I should be en garde for any prideful temptations lurking beyond my palace walls (new job, a more exciting lifestyle?), but I'm pretty sure child number two and my inability to function when pregnant will keep those ambitions at bay.
What then? Why the blah, the laissez faire attitude with regards to the spirit? Is it just a reflection of my energy level as I enter the last weeks of pregnancy? Or is it a sign of being filled, establishing maturity, being secured in my faith and my place in the body of Christ? Christ is my bread, so he fills me. Righteousness is bestowed, not mine, but his, so that i can wear it without being tossed to and fro. Just as I wear the helmet of salvation and know I am saved, the breastplate of righteousness protects my heart so that I can love and serve. So that I can promote righteousness that IS SO NEEDED in so many places. I've worked in too many places that send me into the midst of unrighteous aka the wrong way to live aka a way that will destroy from the inside out because of some combination of ignorance, neglect, and lack of leadership. Sure you can have an extreme of white washed tombs of righteousness going on, but boy, it's probably better than the outright gnashing of teeth and destruction.
And Jesus who is the bread sustains that service. There are too many place without righteousness and it is my call and duty to seek and serve those places. It's every Christian's call. And I think that a huge part of the Christian journey is using up bread like fuel in service. Living for others, pouring out in some way and daily needing Christ and his righteousness to sustain you. It's part of being mature in Christ that Ephesians 4 talks about. It's the next step of faith, to depend upon christ's righteousness so I don't have to be tripped up by my trivial and petty woes ( another critique of the modern american church that I feel spends way to much time assuaging people's egos and ignoring true places of need- places where the gospel can speak so powerfully. But I'll keep my over privileged christian impotent bubble condemnations for another time). I don't proclaim myself, but Christ in whatever ways (whatever gifts) he calls me to.
And I guess I'll wrap up by saying I am satiated by Christ. I don't want anything for myself, but more for others who want and need righteousness.I am driven by the power of reconciliation available to all because of Christ's death and resurrection. I see the need for Him to come and change the status quo and I am transformed by being apart of that process. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness for they will be filled- by Christ, by being a part of the body of Christ. And once filled, the blessed will share that bread of life with others.
I don't have too many great insights into these passages. I'm not really in a place of hunger for anything, nor do I really feel part of the church body in any significant way (which is why it's probably good to be reminded of Ephesians 4's one body, one spirit, one hope). I guess I should be en garde for any prideful temptations lurking beyond my palace walls (new job, a more exciting lifestyle?), but I'm pretty sure child number two and my inability to function when pregnant will keep those ambitions at bay.
What then? Why the blah, the laissez faire attitude with regards to the spirit? Is it just a reflection of my energy level as I enter the last weeks of pregnancy? Or is it a sign of being filled, establishing maturity, being secured in my faith and my place in the body of Christ? Christ is my bread, so he fills me. Righteousness is bestowed, not mine, but his, so that i can wear it without being tossed to and fro. Just as I wear the helmet of salvation and know I am saved, the breastplate of righteousness protects my heart so that I can love and serve. So that I can promote righteousness that IS SO NEEDED in so many places. I've worked in too many places that send me into the midst of unrighteous aka the wrong way to live aka a way that will destroy from the inside out because of some combination of ignorance, neglect, and lack of leadership. Sure you can have an extreme of white washed tombs of righteousness going on, but boy, it's probably better than the outright gnashing of teeth and destruction.
And Jesus who is the bread sustains that service. There are too many place without righteousness and it is my call and duty to seek and serve those places. It's every Christian's call. And I think that a huge part of the Christian journey is using up bread like fuel in service. Living for others, pouring out in some way and daily needing Christ and his righteousness to sustain you. It's part of being mature in Christ that Ephesians 4 talks about. It's the next step of faith, to depend upon christ's righteousness so I don't have to be tripped up by my trivial and petty woes ( another critique of the modern american church that I feel spends way to much time assuaging people's egos and ignoring true places of need- places where the gospel can speak so powerfully. But I'll keep my over privileged christian impotent bubble condemnations for another time). I don't proclaim myself, but Christ in whatever ways (whatever gifts) he calls me to.
And I guess I'll wrap up by saying I am satiated by Christ. I don't want anything for myself, but more for others who want and need righteousness.I am driven by the power of reconciliation available to all because of Christ's death and resurrection. I see the need for Him to come and change the status quo and I am transformed by being apart of that process. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness for they will be filled- by Christ, by being a part of the body of Christ. And once filled, the blessed will share that bread of life with others.
Saturday, July 21, 2012
It is good for man not to live alone
I started my drive to the mall this morning (for some ''me" time) thinking about how good it is to be married and to be in relationship with someone. When I am alone and I let my thoughts wander they go down all sorts of paths and usually end up somewhere on the negative side of the road. Just always having someone around aka my husband keeps me from those dark roads of wandering thoughts where I question people's motives and the goodness to be found in the world etc.
I guess the most relevant application to this thought that every human being needs other humans is the guy who thought on his own and planned a killing spree at a movie theater. Whenever I read about events like that one, I think to myself that that person needed some good friends. Caring friends. Solid relationships that called him out of himself and into the good parts of this world (that yes do exist). Isolation is a cruel experience and I think is one of the most damaging products of American culture today.
And somehow my thoughts led me down to reflect about my students. Even with the many headed beasts of problems facing schools today, they at least provide some sort of community for students- which if done right, works wonders; done poorly exacerbates the issues it should combat.
And I reflected on my drive to get my first haircut in 8 months, that I love working with my students in community. I am so inspired by them and by their hearts and the major and minor human dramas that are played out everyday in my classroom. I am full. My friend who is a vet and finds fullness working with cows and vet students gave me a defintion of fullness as having a missional purpose. Something I agree and I don't agree with. Yes, part of why I love teaching and love working is the opportunity to love these kids ( I'm going to start calling them under-utilized instead of under-privileged or lower Ses). But I am going to run run away from the idea of "missions", because there is no way that I am on mission with them. I am not a missionary to them. No way. I am just someone who is with them. And yes, I seek to be in relationship with them. Granted it is a teacher- student relationship but still an influential, caring relationship not the less. Me being me and interacting with them being them and living our lives together for part of our individual journeys. There's no strategy (though I employ many teaching strategies to push and pull them into learning all that they can), but a desire to just be with them.
And I think that most aptly describes what Jesus did when He came down to earth. He wasn't "missional" in today's churchy sense of the word. He came to be with us. He didn't have lists of strategies, he just had a desire o hang out with Pharisees and sinners a like. To bring them into relationship with each other and with God so that everyone could live life together in community. Human dramas included. Iron sharpening iron with a deep sense of being filled and enjoying what goodness this earth has to offer. Feeling connected, feeling fulfilled and loved. Being human as were created to be.
And that's what I get out of teaching and being in the hard to live places. And there are consequences of working on the edge. I cry a lot easier, become more easily angered at injustices in the world and people who I judge to live comfy lives at the cost of what I judge to be humanity. My hearts breaks a lot at the uncertainties of my students' futures that statistically do not bode well. But I am in relationship and privy to a whole lot of wonderfulness and goodness that humbles me and drives me on deep levels. I've given my life over to the lord for his glory and trust the paths he lays out before me. Hard and lovely as they may be. Yes, it is ridiculously hard, but at the same time so joyful. There is so much pain and suffering out there and the burden of it can be overwhelming- but at the same time it is light. Because of every step of the way, the gospel proclaims itself. Christ died so that we may have life and life to the full. And that life is needed, so needed for so many, but only if we get out there and hang out with those different from us, the weak, the sick, the strong, and the healthy. Community is vital to our souls and our spiritual lives. Everyone needs a place to pour out their lives and that place should not be an insular bubble of homogenous thought (like most churches today). Too many chances to be a pharisee. and not enough life.
I guess the most relevant application to this thought that every human being needs other humans is the guy who thought on his own and planned a killing spree at a movie theater. Whenever I read about events like that one, I think to myself that that person needed some good friends. Caring friends. Solid relationships that called him out of himself and into the good parts of this world (that yes do exist). Isolation is a cruel experience and I think is one of the most damaging products of American culture today.
And somehow my thoughts led me down to reflect about my students. Even with the many headed beasts of problems facing schools today, they at least provide some sort of community for students- which if done right, works wonders; done poorly exacerbates the issues it should combat.
And I reflected on my drive to get my first haircut in 8 months, that I love working with my students in community. I am so inspired by them and by their hearts and the major and minor human dramas that are played out everyday in my classroom. I am full. My friend who is a vet and finds fullness working with cows and vet students gave me a defintion of fullness as having a missional purpose. Something I agree and I don't agree with. Yes, part of why I love teaching and love working is the opportunity to love these kids ( I'm going to start calling them under-utilized instead of under-privileged or lower Ses). But I am going to run run away from the idea of "missions", because there is no way that I am on mission with them. I am not a missionary to them. No way. I am just someone who is with them. And yes, I seek to be in relationship with them. Granted it is a teacher- student relationship but still an influential, caring relationship not the less. Me being me and interacting with them being them and living our lives together for part of our individual journeys. There's no strategy (though I employ many teaching strategies to push and pull them into learning all that they can), but a desire to just be with them.
And I think that most aptly describes what Jesus did when He came down to earth. He wasn't "missional" in today's churchy sense of the word. He came to be with us. He didn't have lists of strategies, he just had a desire o hang out with Pharisees and sinners a like. To bring them into relationship with each other and with God so that everyone could live life together in community. Human dramas included. Iron sharpening iron with a deep sense of being filled and enjoying what goodness this earth has to offer. Feeling connected, feeling fulfilled and loved. Being human as were created to be.
And that's what I get out of teaching and being in the hard to live places. And there are consequences of working on the edge. I cry a lot easier, become more easily angered at injustices in the world and people who I judge to live comfy lives at the cost of what I judge to be humanity. My hearts breaks a lot at the uncertainties of my students' futures that statistically do not bode well. But I am in relationship and privy to a whole lot of wonderfulness and goodness that humbles me and drives me on deep levels. I've given my life over to the lord for his glory and trust the paths he lays out before me. Hard and lovely as they may be. Yes, it is ridiculously hard, but at the same time so joyful. There is so much pain and suffering out there and the burden of it can be overwhelming- but at the same time it is light. Because of every step of the way, the gospel proclaims itself. Christ died so that we may have life and life to the full. And that life is needed, so needed for so many, but only if we get out there and hang out with those different from us, the weak, the sick, the strong, and the healthy. Community is vital to our souls and our spiritual lives. Everyone needs a place to pour out their lives and that place should not be an insular bubble of homogenous thought (like most churches today). Too many chances to be a pharisee. and not enough life.
Thursday, June 21, 2012
Ke$ha and King David
It's rare that the car radio is on any other stations besides NPR and the classical one. But every once in awhile, during the rare event I am in my car longer than 5 minutes (I hate driving places), I turn to the pop station to listen me some good dance tunes.
Today, ke$ha was on with her hit "we r who we r" and I was almost brought to tears. By what you ask? By the gospel message present in her song. Before you roll your eyes or think I am trying to be relevant or hip, let me explain with the underlying sentiment of the song that the gospel makes possible. Let me rephrase that, before you become Michal watching King David dance naked in the streets, hear me out.
There is a deep deep desire within us to be "who we are". While there are millions of things that can help us with identity crises, I think it is important to understand what the gospel tells us who we are: we are children of God who deep down want to joyously celebrate God and all that he has done by, yes, quite possibly, "dancing like we dumb dumb dumb our bodies going numb numb numb".
Ke$ha writes fun party songs that just begged to be danced to with careless abandon. No burden of moralism, suffering, sin, weight of the world in her catchy techno beats. It's freedom and good times she preaches in her lyrics.
Which is similar to what grace preaches. Grace is not somber. Grace is wild. Grace is the abandon found on a dance floor. The crazy jubilation of being set free by a god who loves deeply and enjoys you deeply. And that brings out the truest good times possible on this earth with the promise of more in the next.
I understand the appeal of freedom and good times, especially to girls. Too much of our up-bringing, especially in the church, is heavy on the legalism, restrictions, denying oneself, all things that have a good and noble place in the kingdom and the life of faith, but are not the freedom of grace. The freedom of grace is dancing in the streets naked because of what God has done for you. Is rocking out in a club dancing your heart out because you are young and alive and want to taste the goodness of the world and Jesus. It's having a good time and letting loose for the love of the Lord. It's release of worry about what people think, whether you are measuring up, whether you are worthy and just being "who you are," awkward dance moves and all.
And yes, morality or the law has a delicate and important tension with grace in the process of sanctification. Not trying to throw it out the picture. In fact, I would probably argue that it is impossible to dance naked in the streets like David without a deep love of the law and an integrity from following it. Living righteously is extremely important, but what I am arguing is that if it is at the cost of joy and freedom, then it aint the gospel. God wants sacrifices of heart, which include jubilant celebration and abandon.
Dear lord, may we embrace the joy and freedom you offer through your son Jesus. May we dance in abandon for all you have done for us for your glory and for the health of our hearts and mind. In your name we pray, Jesus. Amen
Today, ke$ha was on with her hit "we r who we r" and I was almost brought to tears. By what you ask? By the gospel message present in her song. Before you roll your eyes or think I am trying to be relevant or hip, let me explain with the underlying sentiment of the song that the gospel makes possible. Let me rephrase that, before you become Michal watching King David dance naked in the streets, hear me out.
There is a deep deep desire within us to be "who we are". While there are millions of things that can help us with identity crises, I think it is important to understand what the gospel tells us who we are: we are children of God who deep down want to joyously celebrate God and all that he has done by, yes, quite possibly, "dancing like we dumb dumb dumb our bodies going numb numb numb".
Ke$ha writes fun party songs that just begged to be danced to with careless abandon. No burden of moralism, suffering, sin, weight of the world in her catchy techno beats. It's freedom and good times she preaches in her lyrics.
Which is similar to what grace preaches. Grace is not somber. Grace is wild. Grace is the abandon found on a dance floor. The crazy jubilation of being set free by a god who loves deeply and enjoys you deeply. And that brings out the truest good times possible on this earth with the promise of more in the next.
I understand the appeal of freedom and good times, especially to girls. Too much of our up-bringing, especially in the church, is heavy on the legalism, restrictions, denying oneself, all things that have a good and noble place in the kingdom and the life of faith, but are not the freedom of grace. The freedom of grace is dancing in the streets naked because of what God has done for you. Is rocking out in a club dancing your heart out because you are young and alive and want to taste the goodness of the world and Jesus. It's having a good time and letting loose for the love of the Lord. It's release of worry about what people think, whether you are measuring up, whether you are worthy and just being "who you are," awkward dance moves and all.
And yes, morality or the law has a delicate and important tension with grace in the process of sanctification. Not trying to throw it out the picture. In fact, I would probably argue that it is impossible to dance naked in the streets like David without a deep love of the law and an integrity from following it. Living righteously is extremely important, but what I am arguing is that if it is at the cost of joy and freedom, then it aint the gospel. God wants sacrifices of heart, which include jubilant celebration and abandon.
Dear lord, may we embrace the joy and freedom you offer through your son Jesus. May we dance in abandon for all you have done for us for your glory and for the health of our hearts and mind. In your name we pray, Jesus. Amen
Sunday, June 10, 2012
Poison Oak and Sin or the Sin of Itching
I have poison oak. It's pretty bad. It started on my hands and is slowly spreading across my body despite my best efforts to not itch and to cover myself in every topical cream and remedy possible. Nothing's worked. Not baking soda, vinegar, benadryl, caladryl, calamine, nope not a thing. need to get hydrogen peroxide as that used to be my go to, but don't have a lot of faith that that will work as well.
And in my mind that makes it a thing horrible enough to be an analogy to sin. Sin. Sin that starts as something small like touching a leaf of an unknown plant, that quickly turns into something that takes over your body and worsens with every itch and every self remedy. It's hard to get rid of and probably impossible to get rid of it without divine intervention. Expect scars. Expect it to get worse before it gets better. Expect unpleasantness.
Dear God rid me of poison oak and sin! Amen.
And in my mind that makes it a thing horrible enough to be an analogy to sin. Sin. Sin that starts as something small like touching a leaf of an unknown plant, that quickly turns into something that takes over your body and worsens with every itch and every self remedy. It's hard to get rid of and probably impossible to get rid of it without divine intervention. Expect scars. Expect it to get worse before it gets better. Expect unpleasantness.
Dear God rid me of poison oak and sin! Amen.
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