My motives for fasting from coffee the second time around are more complicated than I thought. First time around I recognized that the holidays were going to be stressful in certain ways and I needed to start praying and drawing near to God, because, I knew, on my own strength, I could not get through them. Now that that season has passed, I realize that I am fasting so that God will bless me. Bless me with what? I'm not sure. I think it is more a give and take sort of thing, as if by fasting he will reward me with good things. It is almost mercenary in intention. If I do this, you will give me this.
Maybe that is why it is not going so well. I have crazy expectations that I want fulfilled, but instead of feeling rejuvenated and more godly focused, I feel tired, deflated, a buoy floating around lost. That is, when I am not working. When I work, I feel driven and full of life- it's just those moments when I am not, that I want to draw on God and I can't seem to do it as well as I want to.
It all feels so mercantile. Draw on god like I am at the bank withdrawing funds. As if it was a consumer relationship (see tim keller's talk on marriage at google) instead of a covenantal one. A coventantal relationship where you stick with each other through thick and thin no matter what the circumstances. Whatever hurt, whatever suffering. And I think when you get to suffering and hurt, there I find the crux of the issue: what happens when God hurts? What happens when the roads you thought you were taking because god led you there, end in immense suffering and hurt? When you come to a place where you say to god I trusted you and you brought me here?! Is it really all due to my own sin and wickedness? Or is that just the path of the cross? The way to death of ourselves is in suffering and trial. The burden of the cross is the hope and desire for resurrection.
That is where I am on the ninth day of this fast. I question my motives, my hurt, my trust in god to bring good things. My prayer now is to be drawn more to prayer, because I haven't been so far in this fast. Lord, fill me with all good things, the love and knowledge of you, your mercy, your grace. May I await your blessings with prayer, thanksgiving and patience. Bless me, bless others, bless your kingdom and those that seek after it. Amen.
Monday, January 9, 2012
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Day 7/8 Daniel's spiritual discipline
Yesterday, i complained to Daniel about how he likes to make big pots of coffee just to tempt me. He of course claims that he didn't know about continuation of the fast from coffee and so we begun a conversation on reasoning behind fasting (he looks so skeptical when I say no to coffee). He then replied that he too was in the middle of a fast for spiritual benefits. And what fast would that be? Oh, his incredibly long fast from cigarettes. Hardeeharhar. Funny, but minimally supportive. He later confessed that he probably would smoke if only it didn't make your clothes smell so bad... cue another rolling of my eyes. I'll admit, there is something alluring about smoking. It projects some sort of cool image, probably thanks to decades of seeing people smoke on the silver screen. But, in the end, I think the idea is more enjoyable than the actual act of smoking- all terrible cancer causing aftermaths aside. Especially to me, a nicotine allergic, asthmatic runner who tried it once while training for a race and discovered that the day after run was too terrible to repeat. Who wants a scratchy throat and burning lungs more than once a century if you can help it? So while thinking of Daniel as a smoker may make him cooler in the mind's eye, in actuality, it would be so terribly awful. I can barely get over his coffee breath!
If only coffee was more enjoyable in the mind's eye than in reality. Today I debated whether or not I should have a cup in honor of Sunday, the Lord's day, thus a feast day and so a break from a fast day. Sadly, I did not, so now I have a whole week to ponder whether or not I can have ONE cup of coffee on Sunday's to celebrate Jesus. It is really really tempting. But would it be more that I love coffee, or more that I want to celebrate Jesus... hmmm, my heart is full of guile.
Also, I am going to renege on all i said before on what have you negativity. I don't think I quite got across what I wanted to say and I don't think I know how to say what I want to say. Today I thought the missing approach was with regards to maturity and maybe thoughts on the older brother in the parable of the prodigal son. But I am giving up as I don't necessarily disagree with these people who I've said I've disagreed with and I can't come up with a better solution. Though I did think up another critique along the same vein about how it seems that God uses really awful people to build his church. That statement of course comes from my thoughts on St. Augustine and how I could not stand his confessions-- he really was a pig of a man, yet called one of the fathers of the reformed church. His behavior to his mistress, his child, his arrogance, and carelessness, i could not handle it all, he was an example of some of the worst traits found in the male gender, but God used him. I'm not sure what do with that fact and coupled with impact that it has had on christianity. Well, God's ways are not our ways. He who has been forgiven much, loves much. Yikes. Does it really take really big mess ups for us to turn to God and follow him as zealously as Augustine, as Paul, as a whole slew of characters with shady pasts? It just might...
If only coffee was more enjoyable in the mind's eye than in reality. Today I debated whether or not I should have a cup in honor of Sunday, the Lord's day, thus a feast day and so a break from a fast day. Sadly, I did not, so now I have a whole week to ponder whether or not I can have ONE cup of coffee on Sunday's to celebrate Jesus. It is really really tempting. But would it be more that I love coffee, or more that I want to celebrate Jesus... hmmm, my heart is full of guile.
Also, I am going to renege on all i said before on what have you negativity. I don't think I quite got across what I wanted to say and I don't think I know how to say what I want to say. Today I thought the missing approach was with regards to maturity and maybe thoughts on the older brother in the parable of the prodigal son. But I am giving up as I don't necessarily disagree with these people who I've said I've disagreed with and I can't come up with a better solution. Though I did think up another critique along the same vein about how it seems that God uses really awful people to build his church. That statement of course comes from my thoughts on St. Augustine and how I could not stand his confessions-- he really was a pig of a man, yet called one of the fathers of the reformed church. His behavior to his mistress, his child, his arrogance, and carelessness, i could not handle it all, he was an example of some of the worst traits found in the male gender, but God used him. I'm not sure what do with that fact and coupled with impact that it has had on christianity. Well, God's ways are not our ways. He who has been forgiven much, loves much. Yikes. Does it really take really big mess ups for us to turn to God and follow him as zealously as Augustine, as Paul, as a whole slew of characters with shady pasts? It just might...
Friday, January 6, 2012
day 5/6 More thoughts on doing things [with God]
After spending a whole day analyzing whether I really agreed with what i wrote on day 3, I realized that I think I was more trying to articulate the peculiar power struggle we humans have with God. What I wrote was trying to dispel and do away with the notion that we even needed the power struggle. It was a hurrah for a "we can work together" chant. And while I do think that is true, the Gospel makes it so, I feel I wrote what I wrote because I wish more people understood that message from the gospel. That does not mean to say we should grasp equality with God, not even Jesus did that, but I think rather we need to look into what it means to be an heir with Christ. Being an heir to God's kingdom, being his child, requires responsibility, wisdom, ingenuity, humility, and faith. And I think when you look at it through that lens, it sort of changes the face of the God versus man power struggle. God is working in us, and for us, and with us. It's not an Him versus Us or He's crushing us under his feet and we have to submit type of relationship. It's a very positive relationship where he wants to take away the "dross" in us and let our better qualities shine out. And there are plenty of better qualities that need to shine. I guess I feel that when we focus on those impurities too much, we miss the other stuff, the good stuff, and that we don't talk about the good stuff enough and maybe we don't even know how to talk about the good stuff, so we talk about the bad stuff. [This is part of the program where I insert why i like good kid's lit so much. The answer is because it talks about the good stuff waaayyy more than the average good modern day adult lit does. More thoughts on that later, i hope, because while you could argue kid's lit doesn't go as deep into the flaws and many facets of the human experience, my argument is sort of along the lines of why do we want to? it's not that uplifting and sometimes reading how awful people can be to each other, is not my idea of a good time... tbc.]
In the end, I sometimes become frustrated when people highlight flaws way too much. I have the same issue with the news. In my opinion, it's not a balanced perspective. If you are going to talk about man's pride, talk about what happens when man is humble. If you are going to talk about greed, talk about what it means to be generous of heart, possessions and spirit. If you are going to talk about the sin found in man's heart, also talk about the good that struggles to come out, too. Balance! I want balance!
And yes, I think humans are no where near perfection or are in anyway close to God's beauty, truth, and goodness, but that is not what matters. God wants to be in relationship with us, whatever our baggage, whatever our imperfections, so let's do all in our ability to make that happen. Confess, repent, be saved, forgive, let go, rejoice, praise, enter into his presence. Let's get ourselves right with God so we can get on getting right with our world and others!
In the end, I sometimes become frustrated when people highlight flaws way too much. I have the same issue with the news. In my opinion, it's not a balanced perspective. If you are going to talk about man's pride, talk about what happens when man is humble. If you are going to talk about greed, talk about what it means to be generous of heart, possessions and spirit. If you are going to talk about the sin found in man's heart, also talk about the good that struggles to come out, too. Balance! I want balance!
And yes, I think humans are no where near perfection or are in anyway close to God's beauty, truth, and goodness, but that is not what matters. God wants to be in relationship with us, whatever our baggage, whatever our imperfections, so let's do all in our ability to make that happen. Confess, repent, be saved, forgive, let go, rejoice, praise, enter into his presence. Let's get ourselves right with God so we can get on getting right with our world and others!
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Day 4- the joy of work
I really like working, really like community organizing and being out in the community.
and that's all i got to say for today.
and that's all i got to say for today.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Day 3- ah! it is so hard to not want to drink coffee!
Daniel left an almost full pot of a delicious locally roasted brew this morning. Oh, how I wanted a cup. In my mind I screamed, "How unfair!" But how can you tell one part of yourself that the other part is unfair? Doesn't really work. A house divided falls. Had to pull my wimpy self up by the bootstraps and tell myself to suck it up.
Then, there is free coffee at the Y. So when I went to the gym, a free cup of coffee wafted in front of me to tempt me. Agh! In my coat pocket there is a not yet used starbucks gift card! Oh, how I would love to rush to the nearest starbucks and grab a latte. Should have used it up the week between Christmas and New Years, but time moves too quickly for me to think that far ahead. It's okay, I can stay strong, I'm a thirtieth of the way there. I can do it!
Or I can't. As a lot of modern day preachers would say, we can't, only God can. We can't break addictions, we can't overcome sin, we can't live rightly. And that's true to a point, without Jesus, without repentance and grace, we can't, but... we have grace and when we turn towards God, doesn't that mean we now can?
One of my critiques of modern christianity sometimes is that it can be so defeatist. There are messages that you can't do anything, only God can do it. Humans are inherently evil and sinful and nothing good can come out of man, yaddayaddayadda. I often struggle with those the messages, and I think I get what they are saying because(besides horribly misconstruing them here to make a point), i really think are more warnings against pride than any messages that humans are failures. Yet, at the same time, I don't a hundred percent agree the idea that humans are failures and we should grovel as lowly, terrible beings. Yes, there is an awful side of us that needs to be checked, but there are other sides of us where can do great and wonderful things. Humans have amazing abilities, god given and endowed ( think tower of babel, even God admittedly there could be little we could not do...if we were united and spoke the same language...). When I hear those messages of failure failure failure, I sometimes roll my eyes and think to myself: don't throw the baby out with the bathwater. Yes we need to recognize the sinful parts of our natures and repent of them, but I think we also need to recognize that we were created and labeled GOOD and that the Good found in our nature has much more power and ability than our sinful natures. If we only tapped into more often... or were encouraged to.
My phrasing, my nuanced approach to this dilemma of dwelling too much on the negative:
We can do things, but they will only be good and helpful, holy and delightful things, if we make space for the mystical, supernatural, grace-filled movings of God and the holy spirit. Fight sin. Fight temptations. But don't fight by yourself and on your terms. Leave room for God to work some of his magic, but for heaven's sake, keep praying! Keep up spiritual disciplines. Keep striving and struggling for God's blessing. Keep working out salvation with fear and trembling to keep your election assured. Keep trying to find the holiness in your life and God will do, too. Somewhere in there, I think is my interpretation of the parable of the talents. Do something, make room for God to do some things, too, and let the talents multiply. Understand that you have a sinful nature and you will mess up and need to cry, "Woe is me." But also know you were created for GOOD and get onto living that life, in partnership with God.
That's my "feminist" approach to it. Sometimes i don't connect with "anti-pride"/defeatist/grind the human heart into dirt" messages because I think they are geared to what is in men's hearts more than what is in women's hearts. I'm not saying that women do not struggle with pride, but studies show that women respond better to positive messages than to negative ones while it doesn't matter as much to men. Okay, the study i am basing it off of was the basketball team study and coach "blame" placing; where women think if the coach says someone isn't pulling their weight, the women think the coach is talking about them, while men think they are talking about someone else. Somehow I interpret that as women hear things differently and if the message is always: you're messing up, you're failing; you're an awful person, the results are not going to be as fruitful as a message that acknowledges the bad, but exhorts to be better and to do good. The Gospel is that yeah, bad stuff happens, you do bad stuff, but God still works and wants you to partner with him for his glory and your salvation. You can do things, with God's help. It's not all God, it's not all you, it's the relationship between God and man, that gets stuff done, in my opinion. And I think that is a much better, life giving message to hear. God and I were working out this no coffee thing. It's not all me, it's probably a lot of God, but we're working on it together. And I like that.
Then, there is free coffee at the Y. So when I went to the gym, a free cup of coffee wafted in front of me to tempt me. Agh! In my coat pocket there is a not yet used starbucks gift card! Oh, how I would love to rush to the nearest starbucks and grab a latte. Should have used it up the week between Christmas and New Years, but time moves too quickly for me to think that far ahead. It's okay, I can stay strong, I'm a thirtieth of the way there. I can do it!
Or I can't. As a lot of modern day preachers would say, we can't, only God can. We can't break addictions, we can't overcome sin, we can't live rightly. And that's true to a point, without Jesus, without repentance and grace, we can't, but... we have grace and when we turn towards God, doesn't that mean we now can?
One of my critiques of modern christianity sometimes is that it can be so defeatist. There are messages that you can't do anything, only God can do it. Humans are inherently evil and sinful and nothing good can come out of man, yaddayaddayadda. I often struggle with those the messages, and I think I get what they are saying because(besides horribly misconstruing them here to make a point), i really think are more warnings against pride than any messages that humans are failures. Yet, at the same time, I don't a hundred percent agree the idea that humans are failures and we should grovel as lowly, terrible beings. Yes, there is an awful side of us that needs to be checked, but there are other sides of us where can do great and wonderful things. Humans have amazing abilities, god given and endowed ( think tower of babel, even God admittedly there could be little we could not do...if we were united and spoke the same language...). When I hear those messages of failure failure failure, I sometimes roll my eyes and think to myself: don't throw the baby out with the bathwater. Yes we need to recognize the sinful parts of our natures and repent of them, but I think we also need to recognize that we were created and labeled GOOD and that the Good found in our nature has much more power and ability than our sinful natures. If we only tapped into more often... or were encouraged to.
My phrasing, my nuanced approach to this dilemma of dwelling too much on the negative:
We can do things, but they will only be good and helpful, holy and delightful things, if we make space for the mystical, supernatural, grace-filled movings of God and the holy spirit. Fight sin. Fight temptations. But don't fight by yourself and on your terms. Leave room for God to work some of his magic, but for heaven's sake, keep praying! Keep up spiritual disciplines. Keep striving and struggling for God's blessing. Keep working out salvation with fear and trembling to keep your election assured. Keep trying to find the holiness in your life and God will do, too. Somewhere in there, I think is my interpretation of the parable of the talents. Do something, make room for God to do some things, too, and let the talents multiply. Understand that you have a sinful nature and you will mess up and need to cry, "Woe is me." But also know you were created for GOOD and get onto living that life, in partnership with God.
That's my "feminist" approach to it. Sometimes i don't connect with "anti-pride"/defeatist/grind the human heart into dirt" messages because I think they are geared to what is in men's hearts more than what is in women's hearts. I'm not saying that women do not struggle with pride, but studies show that women respond better to positive messages than to negative ones while it doesn't matter as much to men. Okay, the study i am basing it off of was the basketball team study and coach "blame" placing; where women think if the coach says someone isn't pulling their weight, the women think the coach is talking about them, while men think they are talking about someone else. Somehow I interpret that as women hear things differently and if the message is always: you're messing up, you're failing; you're an awful person, the results are not going to be as fruitful as a message that acknowledges the bad, but exhorts to be better and to do good. The Gospel is that yeah, bad stuff happens, you do bad stuff, but God still works and wants you to partner with him for his glory and your salvation. You can do things, with God's help. It's not all God, it's not all you, it's the relationship between God and man, that gets stuff done, in my opinion. And I think that is a much better, life giving message to hear. God and I were working out this no coffee thing. It's not all me, it's probably a lot of God, but we're working on it together. And I like that.
Monday, January 2, 2012
Day 2-posturing
What is the deal with not drinking coffee and blam! I feel the Holy spirit working and moving. Maybe caffeine blocked my spiritual awareness senses somehow. And no I don't really think it is the caffeine, I think it is more the posturing of submitting myself to God. It's the recognizing I need him more in my life than i need coffee.
It's funny that I gave the middle school girls with whom I have a small group some verses from James 4 to memorize, because I think those are the verses that are hitting me right now:
7 Submit yourselves therefore to God. (I)Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. 8 (J)Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you.
I don't think I thought it was that simple, to draw near to God so that he would draw near to me, but maybe it is. Maybe it is true God is the father in the prodigal son story, anxiously anticipating our return with open arms and a fat goat. Why would we ever not want to follow a Father like that? Besides doubting that a god like that exists, what are other reasons we stop ourselves from running into his arms? Existential angst? Our emperor syndromes (we all want to be little napoleons- in charge, in control, on top of everything with everything we need)? Stubbornness? Pride? Snobbery? It is hard to submit sometimes- Lord, help me to submit to you. Help me to submit all of me!
The rest of this chapter in James is very interesting because it talks about not judging. And well, what would the world be like, what would the church be like, what would our communities be like if WE DID NOT JUDGE? I'm thinking a GDP that increases by billions due to people who would not be put down by others, but who would go ahead and do what they were created to do. I'm thinking healthier people, mind heart soul body spirit- better relationships, less heartache, less poverty. I'm thinking power and strength and unity in communities in ways we have never felt before. It takes restraint and power to reserve judgement and overcome what have situation to find the grace and the mercy and the justice.
And is that what Christ came to do? To teach us what grace is, what mercy is, what justice is, but also to tell us to use them! Aren't they the bricks and mortar of the kingdom? When people talk about kingdom building, that is what i associate with what they are talking about: instances of when people come in contact with grace, with mercy, with justice. And those instances are what changes peoples hearts- they are the tangible experiences of the supernatural.
And to judge is not to say to not have standards. I think it is important to call people to higher expectations and higher ways of living, but the way to do and to delineate the difference, one must be full of grace and lovingness and thus the holy spirit. And it can be done! I think it is the only way the church has ever moved forward. And I guess my definition of judging would be James's definition; not speaking or thinking evil against another person. I realize without that definition I weaken justice which is needed to call people out of sin. To quote James 4, James says :
"Do not speak evil against one another, brothers.[d] The one who speaks against a brother or (Q)judges his brother, speaks evil against the law and judges the law. But if you judge the law, you are not a doer of the law but a judge. 12 There is only (R)one lawgiver and (S)judge, he who is able to save and (T)to destroy. But (U)who are you to judge your neighbor? "
Hard words to digest as I admit I've spent the past few years "processing" what was going on around me and became a bit of a gossip with a sharp tongue. Granted, I usually wrote it off as frustration with powers that be, and not people, but here it specifically condemns that too, don't "speak evil against the law." Yikes. Need to get my tongue under control. Help me, Lord!
It's funny that I gave the middle school girls with whom I have a small group some verses from James 4 to memorize, because I think those are the verses that are hitting me right now:
7 Submit yourselves therefore to God. (I)Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. 8 (J)Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you.
I don't think I thought it was that simple, to draw near to God so that he would draw near to me, but maybe it is. Maybe it is true God is the father in the prodigal son story, anxiously anticipating our return with open arms and a fat goat. Why would we ever not want to follow a Father like that? Besides doubting that a god like that exists, what are other reasons we stop ourselves from running into his arms? Existential angst? Our emperor syndromes (we all want to be little napoleons- in charge, in control, on top of everything with everything we need)? Stubbornness? Pride? Snobbery? It is hard to submit sometimes- Lord, help me to submit to you. Help me to submit all of me!
The rest of this chapter in James is very interesting because it talks about not judging. And well, what would the world be like, what would the church be like, what would our communities be like if WE DID NOT JUDGE? I'm thinking a GDP that increases by billions due to people who would not be put down by others, but who would go ahead and do what they were created to do. I'm thinking healthier people, mind heart soul body spirit- better relationships, less heartache, less poverty. I'm thinking power and strength and unity in communities in ways we have never felt before. It takes restraint and power to reserve judgement and overcome what have situation to find the grace and the mercy and the justice.
And is that what Christ came to do? To teach us what grace is, what mercy is, what justice is, but also to tell us to use them! Aren't they the bricks and mortar of the kingdom? When people talk about kingdom building, that is what i associate with what they are talking about: instances of when people come in contact with grace, with mercy, with justice. And those instances are what changes peoples hearts- they are the tangible experiences of the supernatural.
And to judge is not to say to not have standards. I think it is important to call people to higher expectations and higher ways of living, but the way to do and to delineate the difference, one must be full of grace and lovingness and thus the holy spirit. And it can be done! I think it is the only way the church has ever moved forward. And I guess my definition of judging would be James's definition; not speaking or thinking evil against another person. I realize without that definition I weaken justice which is needed to call people out of sin. To quote James 4, James says :
"Do not speak evil against one another, brothers.[d] The one who speaks against a brother or (Q)judges his brother, speaks evil against the law and judges the law. But if you judge the law, you are not a doer of the law but a judge. 12 There is only (R)one lawgiver and (S)judge, he who is able to save and (T)to destroy. But (U)who are you to judge your neighbor? "
Hard words to digest as I admit I've spent the past few years "processing" what was going on around me and became a bit of a gossip with a sharp tongue. Granted, I usually wrote it off as frustration with powers that be, and not people, but here it specifically condemns that too, don't "speak evil against the law." Yikes. Need to get my tongue under control. Help me, Lord!
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Day 1 of a 90 day fast
I gave myself a week of coffee. Now I am back to the fast. There was something to denying myself that brought me more in tune to a need for spiritual discipline than anything else I have done for the past while. I felt aware of my need for God and his work. There was a deep need in me to feel more connected to Him. Maybe it was because if I couldn't drink coffee, I would pray or read scriptures or calm myself and mediate. You would think I could do those things with coffee, but this last week proved that I am not yet disciplined enough to do that and drink coffee at the same time. Coffee is an indulgence almost and for whatever reason, indulgence and discipline are not going hand in hand in my life. I must make a choice between them. And as I miss being disciplined and want it more than indulgence, I giving coffee up again and hoping it will spur me on to create more lasting habits and disciplines. That I don't want to give up on this blog or change its name! Writing a daily blog gives me some purpose that I relish.
Today, my ruminations sans coffee have led me to contemplate what an adjustment it has been spiritually post college and post charlottesville to form recognizable and helpful disciplines. I think to me so much of the christian life and story revolves around striving. With striving comes motivation and discipline. The greats became greats because they strove for something. While it might seem contradictory because so much reformed theology revolves on emphasizing God as the acting agent in any and all things, the posture and humility or striving for more seems to "earn" a righteous/Godly blessing. But, I have yet to find an example in the bible or history that proves otherwise. There is a striving for righteousness that is essential, I feel in the christian walk. After all, Israel means he who wrestles! And we are the children of Israel (by adoption), aren't we?
Israel wrestled for that blessing from God and I think it is a great example of how God and man interact. I think that striving is sometimes the kiss that turns away anger (psalm 2). Paul strove, so did Noah and the prophets. At least, that's what I gather from the list in Hebrews 11: each of those greats wanted something, you could say wanted something more from this life, and God used them for his purposes. Maybe it was because God used them they strove, but somehow I think it was an equal footing thing- they turned to God because God turned to them and God turned to them and they turned to God. (Sorry if I just regurgitated Barth's explanation of election and predestination). In any case, their striving came with righteousness (and some sin) and that righteousness implied discipline, too. To strive to be righteous implies conscientious decisions to live rightly, to live a disciplined orderly life, albeit with slip ups, failures, and sin. But it is that desire to live rightly, I think that catches God's eye- that posturing to let love and faithfulness never leave us, that brings blessings. And let me go ahead and explain that I am not in a season of striving (but i will say, i might be living rightly on default because I have strove in the past to remove and overcome vices), or better yet, I am not working too hard at it (it might flow freely, because of past strivings, but I am not actively try to improve myself right now). I miss working hard at it.
And I do not miss working hard at it. So much of my youth was spent striving- to finish school, to grow up, to figure out what I want out of life. And there were such growing pains that I really don't want to revisit those memories. But, yet, i feel they were such blessed periods of my life as if striving added a bit more meaning to my life. It is what we do as humans: we strive- for progress, for change, for perfection. I guess now I would like to strive again and feel that i need to get my spiritual disciplines in order in order for that to happen. I do connect discipline with my seasons of striving, so I hope resurrecting fervent ones in my life will jump start whatever it is that I feel I lack spiritually. Maybe this is just what it means to grow up.
While there is much to be said for growing up, two things I haven't appreciated, and feel contribute to a sense of lacking, are changes in community and change in habits, that I mentioned before. Community and habits have always been strong foundations to my spiritual life. From a child to high school to college, there has been consistent community and structure that helped order my spiritual life. Sunday school, youth group, all the various campus fellowships and ministries from college, they gave structure and a means of growth and challenge, besides instant and fruitful fellowship. Post graduation, all those structures to "plug in" sort of fell away and I had to learn to let "life" happen. Work, work friendships, church and church groups sort of filled the gaps, but in different ways. Growing up meant finding "spiritual autonomy" almost, which I define as defining one's spiritual practices outside an organized group. I think of it as: instead of being served and "consuming" christian fellowship, one begins to contribute and organize one's own program. I am not sure I have the nuances down, but maybe I feel that instead of receiving and learning and "taking" as I did as a child, I had to start applying and using all that I had gained and step out and become... an adult?a mature member of the church? a leader instead of a follower? or something of that sort.
There was some sort of turning point into christian "adulthood" that I call a switch that precipitated with loss of community (especially my small group of girlfriends) and loss of service and ministry (it's hard to start a new job and keep up lots of volunteer hours or have the energy for other people after a week of teaching). Without that community and service, I think other spiritual disciplines I worked so hard at began to slide, because I didn't need them as much. Or they didn't hit me in the face as much- when you have this and that meeting, it's a lot easier to focus and prioritize and make time for scriptures and prayer. Or maybe I created structure for disciplines in order to keep all the plates spinning. I had to organize my time and dole it out preciously, so I organized everything I had to do, including setting aside important quiet times with God. With growing up and without so many things going on, I didn't carve out my time so much and in the blob of free time i all the sudden had, i didn't make quiet time happen. Also, I think it hurt that I stopped feeling I was in ministry. Prayer is the lifeblood of anything you do when in ministry. Everything I did, I covered in prayer. without ministry, I also had less of a compulsion to pray as much or as intensely. Then add change of place, change of martial status and living arrangements, my habits deteriorated even more quickly with the changing landscape. No long did I follow strict scripture reading habits and daily prayer journaling and so I came less into the presence of God. I have been trying to find a way back ever since.
Fasting from coffee seems to be a way I can get back into that stronger habit of spiritual disciplines. For some reason, I have to rely on God and not coffee to get me through the day, if that is not too sacrilegious to say. And I like that. There are are many benefits to living more spiritually conscience life: besides feeling more peaceful and filled, but also I find direction and even callings to different possibilities and projects that reflect latent desires I forgot I once had. Looking forward to see what comes of those now that I am in a pause of my working career (and can easily change paths) and hoping that more will reveal itself through fasting. So here's to my quarter of a year without coffee! I hope to learn lots of things and draw closer to the heart of God!
Today, my ruminations sans coffee have led me to contemplate what an adjustment it has been spiritually post college and post charlottesville to form recognizable and helpful disciplines. I think to me so much of the christian life and story revolves around striving. With striving comes motivation and discipline. The greats became greats because they strove for something. While it might seem contradictory because so much reformed theology revolves on emphasizing God as the acting agent in any and all things, the posture and humility or striving for more seems to "earn" a righteous/Godly blessing. But, I have yet to find an example in the bible or history that proves otherwise. There is a striving for righteousness that is essential, I feel in the christian walk. After all, Israel means he who wrestles! And we are the children of Israel (by adoption), aren't we?
Israel wrestled for that blessing from God and I think it is a great example of how God and man interact. I think that striving is sometimes the kiss that turns away anger (psalm 2). Paul strove, so did Noah and the prophets. At least, that's what I gather from the list in Hebrews 11: each of those greats wanted something, you could say wanted something more from this life, and God used them for his purposes. Maybe it was because God used them they strove, but somehow I think it was an equal footing thing- they turned to God because God turned to them and God turned to them and they turned to God. (Sorry if I just regurgitated Barth's explanation of election and predestination). In any case, their striving came with righteousness (and some sin) and that righteousness implied discipline, too. To strive to be righteous implies conscientious decisions to live rightly, to live a disciplined orderly life, albeit with slip ups, failures, and sin. But it is that desire to live rightly, I think that catches God's eye- that posturing to let love and faithfulness never leave us, that brings blessings. And let me go ahead and explain that I am not in a season of striving (but i will say, i might be living rightly on default because I have strove in the past to remove and overcome vices), or better yet, I am not working too hard at it (it might flow freely, because of past strivings, but I am not actively try to improve myself right now). I miss working hard at it.
And I do not miss working hard at it. So much of my youth was spent striving- to finish school, to grow up, to figure out what I want out of life. And there were such growing pains that I really don't want to revisit those memories. But, yet, i feel they were such blessed periods of my life as if striving added a bit more meaning to my life. It is what we do as humans: we strive- for progress, for change, for perfection. I guess now I would like to strive again and feel that i need to get my spiritual disciplines in order in order for that to happen. I do connect discipline with my seasons of striving, so I hope resurrecting fervent ones in my life will jump start whatever it is that I feel I lack spiritually. Maybe this is just what it means to grow up.
While there is much to be said for growing up, two things I haven't appreciated, and feel contribute to a sense of lacking, are changes in community and change in habits, that I mentioned before. Community and habits have always been strong foundations to my spiritual life. From a child to high school to college, there has been consistent community and structure that helped order my spiritual life. Sunday school, youth group, all the various campus fellowships and ministries from college, they gave structure and a means of growth and challenge, besides instant and fruitful fellowship. Post graduation, all those structures to "plug in" sort of fell away and I had to learn to let "life" happen. Work, work friendships, church and church groups sort of filled the gaps, but in different ways. Growing up meant finding "spiritual autonomy" almost, which I define as defining one's spiritual practices outside an organized group. I think of it as: instead of being served and "consuming" christian fellowship, one begins to contribute and organize one's own program. I am not sure I have the nuances down, but maybe I feel that instead of receiving and learning and "taking" as I did as a child, I had to start applying and using all that I had gained and step out and become... an adult?a mature member of the church? a leader instead of a follower? or something of that sort.
There was some sort of turning point into christian "adulthood" that I call a switch that precipitated with loss of community (especially my small group of girlfriends) and loss of service and ministry (it's hard to start a new job and keep up lots of volunteer hours or have the energy for other people after a week of teaching). Without that community and service, I think other spiritual disciplines I worked so hard at began to slide, because I didn't need them as much. Or they didn't hit me in the face as much- when you have this and that meeting, it's a lot easier to focus and prioritize and make time for scriptures and prayer. Or maybe I created structure for disciplines in order to keep all the plates spinning. I had to organize my time and dole it out preciously, so I organized everything I had to do, including setting aside important quiet times with God. With growing up and without so many things going on, I didn't carve out my time so much and in the blob of free time i all the sudden had, i didn't make quiet time happen. Also, I think it hurt that I stopped feeling I was in ministry. Prayer is the lifeblood of anything you do when in ministry. Everything I did, I covered in prayer. without ministry, I also had less of a compulsion to pray as much or as intensely. Then add change of place, change of martial status and living arrangements, my habits deteriorated even more quickly with the changing landscape. No long did I follow strict scripture reading habits and daily prayer journaling and so I came less into the presence of God. I have been trying to find a way back ever since.
Fasting from coffee seems to be a way I can get back into that stronger habit of spiritual disciplines. For some reason, I have to rely on God and not coffee to get me through the day, if that is not too sacrilegious to say. And I like that. There are are many benefits to living more spiritually conscience life: besides feeling more peaceful and filled, but also I find direction and even callings to different possibilities and projects that reflect latent desires I forgot I once had. Looking forward to see what comes of those now that I am in a pause of my working career (and can easily change paths) and hoping that more will reveal itself through fasting. So here's to my quarter of a year without coffee! I hope to learn lots of things and draw closer to the heart of God!
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