Over 450 people showed up to this event I helped planned. It was incredible, full of kairos moments- moment pregnant with impact and richness. Some high points: the speaker talking about how black and whites wouldn't sit next together; the little girl exclaiming that MLK was shot by someone who "didn't understand"; a girl yelling that's messed up when told that once upon a time black people could vote; people singing freedom march songs, and I could go on and on. A glimpse of the kingdom, where people come together talk about the good the bad and the ugly. Where history is shared and remembered and incorporated into how we live life today.
Cannot believe how it all came together, oh wait, yes I can. Because I have a father in heaven who dreams these dreams too. One nation, under God with liberty, justice, and love for all.
Monday, January 16, 2012
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Day 15- peace
Friday and yesterday were stormy. Today is serene. I must say I am impressed about how I am riding out life without coffee. Must be God doing a number on my heart and soul! Thank you, Jesus!
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Day 14- donuts and running
What brought me back from the dark side? A good long run and a couple donuts from the durham farmers market. And signing up to run 10 miles in April. And planning a date for daniel and i in the upcoming week. And making sure the event on Monday has all the details worked out.
When I get mad, I get angry. Think Jesus overturning tables mad, except my anger isn't as righteous as his. But ever since I worked in the inner city, my blood can boil about issues of injustice, oppression, and wrongness. I think when you experience life so rawly and on the edge of so much brokenness, all the layers of civilization aka rules of proper society flake a bit. You get in touch with the more emotional, also animal part of your humanity- because you go into survival mode and you do what you can to come out okay and on top.
What is the Christian perspective on those statements? Lord, send the holy spirit to act and work. Otherwise, darkness can creep in and take over. Feelings of despair and hopelessness because things are not right. And you cling to the gospel because you know those are places god came to light up when he came down as Jesus. Jesus was the light of the world, is the light to shine in the darkness. and you have to hold onto that light.
But it doesn't make coming back into civilized social spheres any easier. Where the name of the game is control, especially control of emotions, good or bad.
When I get mad, I get angry. Think Jesus overturning tables mad, except my anger isn't as righteous as his. But ever since I worked in the inner city, my blood can boil about issues of injustice, oppression, and wrongness. I think when you experience life so rawly and on the edge of so much brokenness, all the layers of civilization aka rules of proper society flake a bit. You get in touch with the more emotional, also animal part of your humanity- because you go into survival mode and you do what you can to come out okay and on top.
What is the Christian perspective on those statements? Lord, send the holy spirit to act and work. Otherwise, darkness can creep in and take over. Feelings of despair and hopelessness because things are not right. And you cling to the gospel because you know those are places god came to light up when he came down as Jesus. Jesus was the light of the world, is the light to shine in the darkness. and you have to hold onto that light.
But it doesn't make coming back into civilized social spheres any easier. Where the name of the game is control, especially control of emotions, good or bad.
Day 13/14-Worst Nightmares revisited
A piece of the past revisited yesterday, just after I posted about how grace is the thing i need and lacked to get through DC. Could not believe how the same things that happened to me in DC have now followed me to NC. The situation: being screwed over by insurance companies because we forgot to check some box, we didn't even know needed to be checked, and so overpaid, and they won't give our money back. We paid them money for no reason, and they won't give it back. Robbery! In my mind, the insurance guy we talked to, deliberately withheld info we needed to overpay because that's what insurance companies do- they make you pay and pay and pay. so still incredibly mad at the entire situation and how the soulless, mindless, rigid policies, designed to make as much money as possible, are allowed to operate despite common sense, despite justice being on the little man's side. Feel frustrated and taken advantage of to no end. My life goal is not to line the pockets of execs of big companies, but to help the oppressed, the forgotten, the marginalized, the uninsured. And when I do line their pockets so they can buy their third home or new luxury car or what have you, I get extremely extremely mad. The system is unjust. There are huge inequities in America. There is excess, greed, corruption, stealing, and it is wrong wrong wrong.
These are the times when I agree with the Psalmist and Jesus that man is really awful (despite recently saying I want a balanced perspective), there is no good in him. Especially when you get into the mud of humanity and see how man is ruined. As a teacher and from a child development point, there is so much we can do to nurture people to be intelligent and wise and to have integrity and character. But, too often, it is not done and then it is too late. The bad habits are built, the brain has stopped developing, the opportunity is lost.And you have dysfunctional, hurtful people who continue cycles of destruction. Aggravating!!!
That is probably why we have to die to ourselves and take up the burden of the cross; otherwise, we would not stop the cycles and let corruption take its course. In other words, dying to ourselves, following Jesus, taking his burden upon ourselves, we stop the cycles of destruction and figure out how to get on a cycle of redemption and life. When we die to ourselves and strive for the righteousness of Jesus (even though he freely gives it), I think we impede the corrosive nature of sin, so that we have a chance to do right things. That is why Jesus went to hell, so we could come back from it as well. That is the power of the Gospel, in my opinion: that Jesus went to hell, goes to all the still hellish places on earth and redeems them. Oh, how I hate the truly ugly things of this world. They were not supposed to be here, but came as a result of sin entering the world. And they are despicable.
These are the times when I agree with the Psalmist and Jesus that man is really awful (despite recently saying I want a balanced perspective), there is no good in him. Especially when you get into the mud of humanity and see how man is ruined. As a teacher and from a child development point, there is so much we can do to nurture people to be intelligent and wise and to have integrity and character. But, too often, it is not done and then it is too late. The bad habits are built, the brain has stopped developing, the opportunity is lost.And you have dysfunctional, hurtful people who continue cycles of destruction. Aggravating!!!
That is probably why we have to die to ourselves and take up the burden of the cross; otherwise, we would not stop the cycles and let corruption take its course. In other words, dying to ourselves, following Jesus, taking his burden upon ourselves, we stop the cycles of destruction and figure out how to get on a cycle of redemption and life. When we die to ourselves and strive for the righteousness of Jesus (even though he freely gives it), I think we impede the corrosive nature of sin, so that we have a chance to do right things. That is why Jesus went to hell, so we could come back from it as well. That is the power of the Gospel, in my opinion: that Jesus went to hell, goes to all the still hellish places on earth and redeems them. Oh, how I hate the truly ugly things of this world. They were not supposed to be here, but came as a result of sin entering the world. And they are despicable.
Day 12- worst nightmares
So there's this big event that I am planning (without any coffee!) and today, we, the organizers, came in contact with our worst nightmare that could ever happen for the event. Luckily, by God's grace, it was resolved in a matter of moments, with only the slightest strain on our limited budget. But oh, those minutes, where I saw the whole deal unravel, the panic building within my veins, were a huge shot of adrenaline and dread. After it resolved itself, I thought the episode slightly funny and another ode to murphy's law. How could such a huge communication become a miscommunication? Not sure, but it did. And what did I learn?
Grace grace grace always wins. I can have nightmares, experience awful emotions, but they don't have to get the better of me. I don't need to despair, but rather I can act and press on because grace abounds.
The way I reacted in this situation was way different how I succumbed to worst nightmares in my life a couple years ago. For some reason, when I lived through those awful situations, I could not connect to any sources of grace. Not that Christ wasn't there, but there were also very real presences of dark forces that made it extremely hard to get my head above water. When Rowling describes dementors in the Harry potter series, she nails what I felt. The life and goodness and abilities to rise above the situation were sucked out of me. It was awful and I am so thankful I am somewhere else. Doors were closed there, worst nightmares endured, and now a new phase of life is to be entered.
Thank goodness! Life is horrible without grace! That is christ's gift and promise to us- we can have grace and life and to the full!
Grace grace grace always wins. I can have nightmares, experience awful emotions, but they don't have to get the better of me. I don't need to despair, but rather I can act and press on because grace abounds.
The way I reacted in this situation was way different how I succumbed to worst nightmares in my life a couple years ago. For some reason, when I lived through those awful situations, I could not connect to any sources of grace. Not that Christ wasn't there, but there were also very real presences of dark forces that made it extremely hard to get my head above water. When Rowling describes dementors in the Harry potter series, she nails what I felt. The life and goodness and abilities to rise above the situation were sucked out of me. It was awful and I am so thankful I am somewhere else. Doors were closed there, worst nightmares endured, and now a new phase of life is to be entered.
Thank goodness! Life is horrible without grace! That is christ's gift and promise to us- we can have grace and life and to the full!
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Day 11- clothes and marriage
Today, when I got a clothing magazine in the mail and drooled over all the wonderful, hip looking outfits there are to be bought, I realized I am also fasting from buying new clothes. This fast is mostly a practical fast. With only one income, there isn't a lot left over to play with and so new wardrobes are out of the question. Plus with a toddler, nice clothes do not stay nice very long. Everyday I discover new stains I missed the chance to spot. Now I realize that I am stuck with these clothes and should just deal with it until E is in kindergarten. I am a mom; my uniformed of wrinkled, stained clothing is really a badge of honor. It shouldn't matter what I wear.
But that is so hard to do. We live in age, or may be it has been true in every age, where appearance matters. It's your business card. It's the store front on which we judge worthiness, coolness, likability. I am not sure what role fashion ever played in the bible, except for the fact it talks about how beautiful and what refined clothes we will wear in heaven. So even in the afterlife, clothes and appearance tell us we've arrived at... um, what does beauty and nice clothes represent, perfection? What does our obsession with fashion and appearance represent? Is it really beauty? I think maybe it is beauty mixed with mammon, hence why we should allow ourselves to be dressed like lilies of the field: by God's provision. Whatever that means. I am not being sarcastic, but rather trying saying that I don't know what God's provision is with regards to clothes, except that I shouldn't blow the budget on ones I don't particularly need or can afford. Oh! To be working and to have play money! Just kidding, I don't really want to be working, that would bring so many headaches in other areas, I'm not sure play money is worth it.
And that brings me to my next thought that relates to marriage. Not linearly, but somehow through the weaving of one person working, the other not, and the decisions that follow, you get to some thoughts on a functioning partnership that when sacramented is marriage. By not drinking coffee since the beginning of December, my relationship with my husband has improved. Maybe coffee is the scapegoat unto which I can cast my angst. Or maybe because I miss coffee so much it lessens the pangs of separation I have when Daniel works incredibly long hours or travels. Or maybe it was just we both needed the holidays for a vacation to get away and reset. Whatever it is, one expected gift that is carrying over into the new year, is I am more at peace with Daniel working and working late hours and all the time than I was before. And that has been a huge blessing. It is a huge blessing for him that I am at home with the baby and able to keep some order at home. Not much order as I've never been much of a housekeeper, but I can cook. What matters to him is that home is a calm, restful place for him (when I'm happy at least), that his daughter is cared for well and that is the balance he needs to do what he needs to do at work. And I have struggled, struggled, struggled with that, until now. We had a great holiday that allowed us to reconnect and recharge to start the new year with on a new footing and a better understanding. And for that I am grateful. It ain't easy submitting and staying at home and feeling like good professional years of work are passing me by. Yet, I know, that God is in control and has a plan and using this time in my life to reveal things that need to be revealed. Even if it's such a slow dolganged process!
Maybe later I'll get to other thoughts on marriage-like the one that daniel married me because he thought i'd be a good mom. My feminist sensibilities were sorefully affronted. My awesome female independent going to rock the world attraction wasn't what drew him? Just my mom potential?? How completely ironic. My feminist fore bearers are so proud. ... As they should be! I married my best friend because of, well, mostly God, if I think about it. But we can talk about choices and self actualization and equal partnership later. It's late and mommy duties start early. And. without. coffee.
But that is so hard to do. We live in age, or may be it has been true in every age, where appearance matters. It's your business card. It's the store front on which we judge worthiness, coolness, likability. I am not sure what role fashion ever played in the bible, except for the fact it talks about how beautiful and what refined clothes we will wear in heaven. So even in the afterlife, clothes and appearance tell us we've arrived at... um, what does beauty and nice clothes represent, perfection? What does our obsession with fashion and appearance represent? Is it really beauty? I think maybe it is beauty mixed with mammon, hence why we should allow ourselves to be dressed like lilies of the field: by God's provision. Whatever that means. I am not being sarcastic, but rather trying saying that I don't know what God's provision is with regards to clothes, except that I shouldn't blow the budget on ones I don't particularly need or can afford. Oh! To be working and to have play money! Just kidding, I don't really want to be working, that would bring so many headaches in other areas, I'm not sure play money is worth it.
And that brings me to my next thought that relates to marriage. Not linearly, but somehow through the weaving of one person working, the other not, and the decisions that follow, you get to some thoughts on a functioning partnership that when sacramented is marriage. By not drinking coffee since the beginning of December, my relationship with my husband has improved. Maybe coffee is the scapegoat unto which I can cast my angst. Or maybe because I miss coffee so much it lessens the pangs of separation I have when Daniel works incredibly long hours or travels. Or maybe it was just we both needed the holidays for a vacation to get away and reset. Whatever it is, one expected gift that is carrying over into the new year, is I am more at peace with Daniel working and working late hours and all the time than I was before. And that has been a huge blessing. It is a huge blessing for him that I am at home with the baby and able to keep some order at home. Not much order as I've never been much of a housekeeper, but I can cook. What matters to him is that home is a calm, restful place for him (when I'm happy at least), that his daughter is cared for well and that is the balance he needs to do what he needs to do at work. And I have struggled, struggled, struggled with that, until now. We had a great holiday that allowed us to reconnect and recharge to start the new year with on a new footing and a better understanding. And for that I am grateful. It ain't easy submitting and staying at home and feeling like good professional years of work are passing me by. Yet, I know, that God is in control and has a plan and using this time in my life to reveal things that need to be revealed. Even if it's such a slow dolganged process!
Maybe later I'll get to other thoughts on marriage-like the one that daniel married me because he thought i'd be a good mom. My feminist sensibilities were sorefully affronted. My awesome female independent going to rock the world attraction wasn't what drew him? Just my mom potential?? How completely ironic. My feminist fore bearers are so proud. ... As they should be! I married my best friend because of, well, mostly God, if I think about it. But we can talk about choices and self actualization and equal partnership later. It's late and mommy duties start early. And. without. coffee.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Day 10- Seasons
Last week, I had grooveshark tuned to some of NPR's top songs of the year. To be more specific, my playlist was all the ones that you could dance to. There was many a dance party with E and D at our casa. The songs and the beats kept my mood up and kept me motivated to get things done. It felt great to move to the music and jam whenever the moment struck. I recommend you check some out.
This week is much different; it is a silent week. No songs singing themselves in my head, no itunes or grooveshark blasting on the computer. Just me and my thoughts and that inner narrator speaking up there, without any desire to listen to music. Maybe that is why I feel so glum and blah. There's nothing to pep me up and get my energy juices flowing. Skipped my weekly trip to the gym today, too. I guess this week is one of those weeks where it is slow to get back up on the horse (what horse is that, i am not sure, Daniel and I stayed in this weekend for the most part!).
The one week on, one week off phenomenon started me thinking about seasons of life (if a season can only be a week long!). Some seasons are busy and stressful, others are slow and monotonous. Sometimes it is a fast, sometimes it is a feast- spiritually, financially, with regards to fellowship, etcetc. Sometimes you are full with friends, disposable income, mission; other times you yearn for them and feel deficient. The push and pull of life, I like to think of it. One thing pushes you one season, pulls you the next, then something new happens and the cycle begins all over again.
That's how weeks eke by, years drive on, with the changing of those seasons. My season right now is slow. I am just a mom, a housewife, a part time community volunteer. No frantic days for me. The baby is on a pretty rhythmic schedule. During the week we have our "fast" times: simple meals, same breakfasts every day, same activities. The weekend is our feast, where we go out to eat, change up the schedule, have church and community group. Those weekly routines seem to work well for us. Baby needs lots of time for play and regular meal times and naps. Things that rush us out of the house are too disruptive, and aren't worth it a lot of times. It would be too stressful to be involved with lots of things and have too much "programming", so we don't program our lives. No programming means lots of unstructured, free flowing time that I think makes this season, a slow season. Soon that season of life will change and the schedule will upend and we will enter into a new phase and have to establish new rhythms of daily life.
Hopefully those rhythms will have coffee, but more hopefully, there will be better practices that bring God more into the picture. The whole purpose of this second fast was to encourage me to get back into a rhythm of scripture reading, prayer, and meditation. The writing on the blog was secondary, just a means to help motivate me and keep me focused. Scripture reading, prayer, and meditation used to bring peace, structure, and energy into my life. They completely transformed my days into acts of worship that are very life giving. So I desperately want them as part of my daily habits once again. But, well, I've not been at all diligent with establishing them this year. Done okay on writing (nothing more than what's on this blog and a few random short stories in my head), but what I really wanted to get back to, making daily space for God, I've not made much effort. Dear Lord, come! Help me draw closer to you! May you be the established pattern in my life. Amen.
This week is much different; it is a silent week. No songs singing themselves in my head, no itunes or grooveshark blasting on the computer. Just me and my thoughts and that inner narrator speaking up there, without any desire to listen to music. Maybe that is why I feel so glum and blah. There's nothing to pep me up and get my energy juices flowing. Skipped my weekly trip to the gym today, too. I guess this week is one of those weeks where it is slow to get back up on the horse (what horse is that, i am not sure, Daniel and I stayed in this weekend for the most part!).
The one week on, one week off phenomenon started me thinking about seasons of life (if a season can only be a week long!). Some seasons are busy and stressful, others are slow and monotonous. Sometimes it is a fast, sometimes it is a feast- spiritually, financially, with regards to fellowship, etcetc. Sometimes you are full with friends, disposable income, mission; other times you yearn for them and feel deficient. The push and pull of life, I like to think of it. One thing pushes you one season, pulls you the next, then something new happens and the cycle begins all over again.
That's how weeks eke by, years drive on, with the changing of those seasons. My season right now is slow. I am just a mom, a housewife, a part time community volunteer. No frantic days for me. The baby is on a pretty rhythmic schedule. During the week we have our "fast" times: simple meals, same breakfasts every day, same activities. The weekend is our feast, where we go out to eat, change up the schedule, have church and community group. Those weekly routines seem to work well for us. Baby needs lots of time for play and regular meal times and naps. Things that rush us out of the house are too disruptive, and aren't worth it a lot of times. It would be too stressful to be involved with lots of things and have too much "programming", so we don't program our lives. No programming means lots of unstructured, free flowing time that I think makes this season, a slow season. Soon that season of life will change and the schedule will upend and we will enter into a new phase and have to establish new rhythms of daily life.
Hopefully those rhythms will have coffee, but more hopefully, there will be better practices that bring God more into the picture. The whole purpose of this second fast was to encourage me to get back into a rhythm of scripture reading, prayer, and meditation. The writing on the blog was secondary, just a means to help motivate me and keep me focused. Scripture reading, prayer, and meditation used to bring peace, structure, and energy into my life. They completely transformed my days into acts of worship that are very life giving. So I desperately want them as part of my daily habits once again. But, well, I've not been at all diligent with establishing them this year. Done okay on writing (nothing more than what's on this blog and a few random short stories in my head), but what I really wanted to get back to, making daily space for God, I've not made much effort. Dear Lord, come! Help me draw closer to you! May you be the established pattern in my life. Amen.
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