One third done, another 2/3 to go! My thoughts on no coffee for a month?
Thought 1: I spend less money when I don't drink coffee- no trips to coffee shops, less coffee bought by the pound. That's a good thing. Living on one income is now making us tighten our belts and my lack of dependence on coffee helps in that area.
Thought 2: I am getting closer to building more dependence on God, but not there yet. The fact that I don't have a lot going on makes it harder to rely on God. When you have nothing that will stress you out planned for the day, you don't find yourself on your knees that much. I turn more to God when I have things on my plate and need him to help me do them. Not having things on my plate means less prayer, less scripture, less turning to the presence of God for peace and strength. Still troubleshooting how I can make Him more of a priority in the midst of the non busyness of my life.
Thought 3: Still trying to figure out the longings and desires God has placed in my heart. Trying to prep for next steps, but hard to know what those steps are and so hard to prepare for them. Feel like I take one step closer to them, then two steps back. I guess I'll get there eventually but it will be slow and steady.
In conclusion, change is slow. I'm glad I am being proactive by denying myself something I love in hopes of finding more lasting and fulfilling loves, but it's not a magic wand and there's still a long road to go to get where I think I am headed.
Monday, January 30, 2012
Day 27/28/29 -In Laws in Town
Didn't get to write this weekend. Good things happened-was busy for the first time in awhile! Got through it all by recognizing my need for God even though I asked begrudgingly. I don't want to need God, I want to be okay to do things by myself without his help. It rarely ever works out that way, so yeah, I asked him for help a lot. or not enough. Can't ever have enough can you?
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Day 26- Missions
Ambassadors. That's what my new theme for youth group small group will be. Ambassadors for Christ.
2 Corinthians 5:18 : All this is from God, (AB)who through Christ reconciled us to himself and gave us (AC)the ministry of reconciliation; 19 that is, in Christ God was reconciling[c] the world to himself, (AD)not counting their trespasses against them, and entrusting to us (AE)the message of reconciliation. 20 Therefore, (AF)we are ambassadors for Christ, (AG)God making his appeal through us. We implore you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God. 21 (AH)For our sake he made him to be sin (AI)who knew no sin, so that in him we might become (AJ)the righteousness of God.
More later.
2 Corinthians 5:18 : All this is from God, (AB)who through Christ reconciled us to himself and gave us (AC)the ministry of reconciliation; 19 that is, in Christ God was reconciling[c] the world to himself, (AD)not counting their trespasses against them, and entrusting to us (AE)the message of reconciliation. 20 Therefore, (AF)we are ambassadors for Christ, (AG)God making his appeal through us. We implore you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God. 21 (AH)For our sake he made him to be sin (AI)who knew no sin, so that in him we might become (AJ)the righteousness of God.
More later.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Day 25- Motherhood
E today had her first breakdown when I dropped off for her weekly morning at preschool. She was in tears when I picked her up, too. Sweet moments for a mom. The rush of the warm fuzzy " my baby loves me!" is a great pick me up no matter the day.
Being a mom is great. And easy. One of the most fluid things I've ever done. It's natural and fun and like breathing, something I don't think too hard about. Maybe it's the hours put in the classroom that makes me appreciate the wonderfulness and easiness of motherhood. No planning, no behavior management nightmares (it's my child! i'm going to discipline her the way I want that will get results!) no twenty voices all wanting to be heard. There's just one small voice demanding my attention and she gets it whenever she needs it.
A stressed mom is an unhappy mom and a mean mom. So I try not to be stressed too much (ie not working, so no reasons to be stressed). Not type A, so i don't mind messes, but think they are rather good teaching points and great for brain development opportunities. Like to establish patterns and rhythms in my own day, so I also do that for the baby. A baby on a routine is a happy camper. If you can't tell, my philosophy is a chill mom is a mom who will make the most of the moments, be prepared for catastrophes, and share love and happiness with her child which is the most important thing a young child can get. There is tons of literature on that and the NC Learning foundations basically say the same thing, but add problem solving and physical exploration as a key component of healthy growth. We do those things, too, the big outdoor lovers that we are.
And trust me, I've worked with enough kids who grew up with lives that were the opposite. Try teaching them. It's 100 times harder, very worth the effort, but very very hard. Kids who grow up in chaos, with lots of stress and negativity going on around them, while tough little cookies, have a hard shell around them to protect themselves. That can be a good thing, but it is not necessarily a sign of a health That child has a lot of issues it needs to work through; fears, anxieties, what have you, before they can find peace and actualization and joy. In other words, they need a lot of Jesus to take their hurt and frustrations. Thank goodness, Jesus is there, because those kids need a whole whole whole lot of love, just like we all do. The love of the father is what makes us work and tick rightly. Without him, life is ugly, cold, bare, and unloving. Jesus' love for us is what keeps us warm and full and upbeat. And I think a lot of good things happen when you are upbeat. Grace happens. Grace happens more and more the more you are warm and full and upbeat. And Grace is the magic that turns the ugly things of this world beautiful.
Yes, I do think that motherhood is one continual act of grace. A grace- full has power and authority, kindness and sincerity, truth and love and justice, all the things a child needs to be trained in the way he or she needs to go, to live a right life. Because it can be that through the grace of a mother, a child meets the grace of an eternal savior, father, and lord.
Being a mom is great. And easy. One of the most fluid things I've ever done. It's natural and fun and like breathing, something I don't think too hard about. Maybe it's the hours put in the classroom that makes me appreciate the wonderfulness and easiness of motherhood. No planning, no behavior management nightmares (it's my child! i'm going to discipline her the way I want that will get results!) no twenty voices all wanting to be heard. There's just one small voice demanding my attention and she gets it whenever she needs it.
A stressed mom is an unhappy mom and a mean mom. So I try not to be stressed too much (ie not working, so no reasons to be stressed). Not type A, so i don't mind messes, but think they are rather good teaching points and great for brain development opportunities. Like to establish patterns and rhythms in my own day, so I also do that for the baby. A baby on a routine is a happy camper. If you can't tell, my philosophy is a chill mom is a mom who will make the most of the moments, be prepared for catastrophes, and share love and happiness with her child which is the most important thing a young child can get. There is tons of literature on that and the NC Learning foundations basically say the same thing, but add problem solving and physical exploration as a key component of healthy growth. We do those things, too, the big outdoor lovers that we are.
And trust me, I've worked with enough kids who grew up with lives that were the opposite. Try teaching them. It's 100 times harder, very worth the effort, but very very hard. Kids who grow up in chaos, with lots of stress and negativity going on around them, while tough little cookies, have a hard shell around them to protect themselves. That can be a good thing, but it is not necessarily a sign of a health That child has a lot of issues it needs to work through; fears, anxieties, what have you, before they can find peace and actualization and joy. In other words, they need a lot of Jesus to take their hurt and frustrations. Thank goodness, Jesus is there, because those kids need a whole whole whole lot of love, just like we all do. The love of the father is what makes us work and tick rightly. Without him, life is ugly, cold, bare, and unloving. Jesus' love for us is what keeps us warm and full and upbeat. And I think a lot of good things happen when you are upbeat. Grace happens. Grace happens more and more the more you are warm and full and upbeat. And Grace is the magic that turns the ugly things of this world beautiful.
Yes, I do think that motherhood is one continual act of grace. A grace- full has power and authority, kindness and sincerity, truth and love and justice, all the things a child needs to be trained in the way he or she needs to go, to live a right life. Because it can be that through the grace of a mother, a child meets the grace of an eternal savior, father, and lord.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Day 24- Missing Work
i miss working. staying home and being a mom is one of the most humbling lessons i have had to endure. professionally, i did everything wrong. i only taught for one year before moving and then did another one year stint, now i am not working. don't have a lot of experience or continuity. how will i ever be able to make it back into the workforce?
yeah, being a mom is important and evelyn will benefit so much from having me stay home. Yet, the selfish side sometimes creeps in and screams : at what sacrifice on your part!! Yes, folks, it is a sacrifice to stay at home and not put myself and my career first. At the same time, it is not that hard; it is what you do when you have kids: put them first.
And it's a huge step of faith for me to not worry about entering the job force again. I really enjoy work. It brings a lot of joy and meaning and purpose to me. I want to work again and be on the top of my profession and succeed and achieve. My friends will hit their stride probably when I am getting ready to go back and that will be hard for me, to be at the bottom rung. Don't want to be there, don't like being there, shouldn't be thinking about this. Ahh! Lord, you are in charge. Prepare a way for me to go! To you be the thanks and the glory. Amen
yeah, being a mom is important and evelyn will benefit so much from having me stay home. Yet, the selfish side sometimes creeps in and screams : at what sacrifice on your part!! Yes, folks, it is a sacrifice to stay at home and not put myself and my career first. At the same time, it is not that hard; it is what you do when you have kids: put them first.
And it's a huge step of faith for me to not worry about entering the job force again. I really enjoy work. It brings a lot of joy and meaning and purpose to me. I want to work again and be on the top of my profession and succeed and achieve. My friends will hit their stride probably when I am getting ready to go back and that will be hard for me, to be at the bottom rung. Don't want to be there, don't like being there, shouldn't be thinking about this. Ahh! Lord, you are in charge. Prepare a way for me to go! To you be the thanks and the glory. Amen
Monday, January 23, 2012
Day 23- Elements of Style
Day 23 already?? In a week, it will be Day 30 and I will be a third of the way done with this no coffee fast! And in my mind, if you are a third of the way there, you are practically there. Not sure how that works, but some how, through strange psychology exercises, I've conditioned my mind to register that acting on a third means I've acted on a whole. Yeah, I don't think it is suppose to make sense. Maybe if I explain a third is like a half. As in, if I can get to a third of something, i react to it as if it is a half of something and things are always easier to complete if you are over half way done. Maybe? It's how I plow through training for a race, by setting third benchmarks. It's how I judged relationships- if i can make it to 3 months, i can make it to 6, then a year and beyond. Granted I am no longer in that stage of life as I married the only person who made it past that 3 month mark. I shouldn't expect anyone to understand, unless they too play mind games with themselves like I do.
Mind game. What an interesting phrase. Could it be the fact that it is a game be the reason why I like to play them on myself? I blame Mary Poppins. She taught me from a young age that work can be turned into a game. Or at least, she took the edge of work and made it doable and approachable, something not to feared but something to enjoy- or was that the result of the reformation on the protestant work ethic? I'm muddling my influences, but whatever they are, those influences, they have shaped me into this person who likes to create challenges, games, for herself in order to get things accomplished. Hence, a 90 day coffee fast in order to build better spiritual disciplines and better writing habits.
In all, it has been going well. I haven't been sorely tempted to drink as much as I thought I would and I think I am turning my heart more to God and what he has. Although, it still feels like a waiting period. During Advent, I felt the intimacy of waiting by not drinking coffee, and that feeling of waiting for something, not necessarily the second coming, has trickled over into this fast, too. Maybe it is just the nature of a fast to pierce the depths of anticipation and longing. All that deprivation brings out deeper notes of anticipation and longings for something else. Is that the true purpose of a fast? If so, it is an important characteristic that hasn't sunk into my head until now. We fast in anticipation of something. We long for something when we fast. Huh? Looks like that should have been obvious, but it hasn't been.
Hmm While this fast started as a fast from coffee and with intense longings for coffee and dreams of drinking coffee again one day, it has turned into something else, with longings and anticipations of a different nature and purpose. I'm longing for God to work. There is an anticipation that he is preparing me for something and while sometimes there are flashes of visions, there isn't a whole lot of clarity. And I long for clarity, for the bigger picture to be revealed. At the same time, it is the unknown, so there is an element of "do i really want to jump into whatever is ahead?" it might not be pretty and it might be super hard and trying and I might have to grow a whole lot- and in my experience growth is usually accompanied by pain. But then faith kicks in and says, well, if you are suppose to do it, God will prepare you for it and will be there with you, so why worry. And that leaves me back at the beginning, figuring out what games can I play to make this waiting period go faster: training for a long distance race, check; writing projects, check; rereading grammar books like elements of style, check; daily devotions, check; and what else can I come up with??
Mind game. What an interesting phrase. Could it be the fact that it is a game be the reason why I like to play them on myself? I blame Mary Poppins. She taught me from a young age that work can be turned into a game. Or at least, she took the edge of work and made it doable and approachable, something not to feared but something to enjoy- or was that the result of the reformation on the protestant work ethic? I'm muddling my influences, but whatever they are, those influences, they have shaped me into this person who likes to create challenges, games, for herself in order to get things accomplished. Hence, a 90 day coffee fast in order to build better spiritual disciplines and better writing habits.
In all, it has been going well. I haven't been sorely tempted to drink as much as I thought I would and I think I am turning my heart more to God and what he has. Although, it still feels like a waiting period. During Advent, I felt the intimacy of waiting by not drinking coffee, and that feeling of waiting for something, not necessarily the second coming, has trickled over into this fast, too. Maybe it is just the nature of a fast to pierce the depths of anticipation and longing. All that deprivation brings out deeper notes of anticipation and longings for something else. Is that the true purpose of a fast? If so, it is an important characteristic that hasn't sunk into my head until now. We fast in anticipation of something. We long for something when we fast. Huh? Looks like that should have been obvious, but it hasn't been.
Hmm While this fast started as a fast from coffee and with intense longings for coffee and dreams of drinking coffee again one day, it has turned into something else, with longings and anticipations of a different nature and purpose. I'm longing for God to work. There is an anticipation that he is preparing me for something and while sometimes there are flashes of visions, there isn't a whole lot of clarity. And I long for clarity, for the bigger picture to be revealed. At the same time, it is the unknown, so there is an element of "do i really want to jump into whatever is ahead?" it might not be pretty and it might be super hard and trying and I might have to grow a whole lot- and in my experience growth is usually accompanied by pain. But then faith kicks in and says, well, if you are suppose to do it, God will prepare you for it and will be there with you, so why worry. And that leaves me back at the beginning, figuring out what games can I play to make this waiting period go faster: training for a long distance race, check; writing projects, check; rereading grammar books like elements of style, check; daily devotions, check; and what else can I come up with??
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Day 20/21/22- Cold season, best friends, the Spirit at work
This weekend I have a had a cold and was unable to think up anything intelligent to write. Be thankful I am not putting down the thoughts I had while doped on cold medicine.They had to do with that woman who's always pregnant on tv and how she must have destroyed her body. Pregnancy is so destructive; I don't understand how women could go through it more than a couple times. My stomach muscles still have not come back together after being split apart and I only have had one child... I know, TMI.
lasting thoughts from this week and weekend: I miss my tribe. In need of some physically present kindred spirits. or a mentor. or both. Thankfully, I sometimes talk to my best friends and I am reminded that it is okay I feel different and see the world differently, because there do exist people who are like me. They are just scattered around the country and only a phone call away. Moving to a new place is hard. It takes time to find a bosom friend (yes, Lucy Maud got those descriptions right: kindred spirit, bosom friend, tribe of joseph. thank you anne of green gables and emily of new moon for those reoccurring colloquialisms i use to describe deep friendship).
Despite feeling like I have yet to connect with one of the tribe of Joseph, the spirit is at work in the relationships around me. And there are many more potentials than there were in DC, so I need to remind myself to be thankful for that. God is teaching me patience and restraint - I am not where I want to be. For me, I don't like not being where I feel I should be and it is very hard to wait and NOT do something about that. My question is WHY WHY WHY?? Why do I have to wait. Why am I waiting? Why can't I act yet? Why is it hard for me to wait. And what am i waiting for? It is as if I am in a box, awaiting a trial period until I can burst forth and get at it- whatever "it" is. I want to do and want to make, but not sure how to or where. Dear Lord, reveal yourself to me. Let me see what you see. Let me be what you want me to be. Let me follow you with all my heart, soul, mind, spirit, body, strength. To you be the glory forever and ever. Amen.
lasting thoughts from this week and weekend: I miss my tribe. In need of some physically present kindred spirits. or a mentor. or both. Thankfully, I sometimes talk to my best friends and I am reminded that it is okay I feel different and see the world differently, because there do exist people who are like me. They are just scattered around the country and only a phone call away. Moving to a new place is hard. It takes time to find a bosom friend (yes, Lucy Maud got those descriptions right: kindred spirit, bosom friend, tribe of joseph. thank you anne of green gables and emily of new moon for those reoccurring colloquialisms i use to describe deep friendship).
Despite feeling like I have yet to connect with one of the tribe of Joseph, the spirit is at work in the relationships around me. And there are many more potentials than there were in DC, so I need to remind myself to be thankful for that. God is teaching me patience and restraint - I am not where I want to be. For me, I don't like not being where I feel I should be and it is very hard to wait and NOT do something about that. My question is WHY WHY WHY?? Why do I have to wait. Why am I waiting? Why can't I act yet? Why is it hard for me to wait. And what am i waiting for? It is as if I am in a box, awaiting a trial period until I can burst forth and get at it- whatever "it" is. I want to do and want to make, but not sure how to or where. Dear Lord, reveal yourself to me. Let me see what you see. Let me be what you want me to be. Let me follow you with all my heart, soul, mind, spirit, body, strength. To you be the glory forever and ever. Amen.
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