elated. deflated. grinding of teeth, grinding of millstone. elation. deflation. conviction. more grinding. rinse, recycle, repeat.
(that last three 'r's is my silly "repeat' phrase that my weird do it again mantra taking from shampoo bottles, the recycle symbol, and of course, the word repeat).
that's how i describe this writing class i am taking with regards to the creative process. i think 'becoming' a writer is mostly summed up in that process. you love it. you realize you are terrible at it. you work anyway. you realize you love it. but bad at it. do it anyway. and you find that you have to keep on doing it even when you are motivated to because you're not as good as you think you are or you are not as good as you want to be. but it's a cycle. slowly by slowly i think i'll ascend that spiralling staircase. the periods of 'deflation' are becoming shorter and the conviction and confidence that I can take these stories of mine somewhere are blooming. phooey ambiguous comments by my creative writing professor over email. it's probably best i don't know how to read into them one way or another. probably get more out of me that way!
in the grinding bit again... creating creating creating. and loving it! isn't that a sign of a calling? when you are practically singing when working and doing drudge work?
but then again. i love working. most fulfilling thing ever. i know. i'm strange, but it's how i find my meaning in life. yes. with jesus. there's is that verse that the harvest is plentiful but the workers are few. by golly, i mean to be one of them.
Monday, April 8, 2013
Friday, March 29, 2013
Sweet Nothings
I realize that I'm really into analyzing the theology of pop songs. I'm not sure if because they are the most accessible of "art" to analyze or I just analyze too much, but whatever it is, the lastest piece to cross my path is Florence Welch's "sweet Nothing". Because is that what the whole crux of Christianity rests on? "Sweet Nothings" of God? The sweet nothing of faith. What is faith? What is love? What is hope? What is our belief in Jesus? "nothing" in the sense that it is not measurable matter, it's unseen, immeasurable, hard to grasp physically, though so important spiritually.
And yet so powerful. But nothing at the same time. The Bible, tradition, experience, church those are tangible- but faith? intangible.
I like how she put it:
So I put my faith in something unknown
I'm living on such sweet nothing
But I'm trying to hope with nothing to hold
I'm living on such sweet nothing
And it's hard to learn
And it's hard to love
When you're giving me such sweet nothing
Sweet nothing, sweet nothing
You're giving me such sweet nothing
The mysteries of faith! Though we've never seen Jesus, we still believe! Oh those sweet nothings of grace, redemption, and reconcilation! Hallejuah!
And yet so powerful. But nothing at the same time. The Bible, tradition, experience, church those are tangible- but faith? intangible.
I like how she put it:
So I put my faith in something unknown
I'm living on such sweet nothing
But I'm trying to hope with nothing to hold
I'm living on such sweet nothing
And it's hard to learn
And it's hard to love
When you're giving me such sweet nothing
Sweet nothing, sweet nothing
You're giving me such sweet nothing
The mysteries of faith! Though we've never seen Jesus, we still believe! Oh those sweet nothings of grace, redemption, and reconcilation! Hallejuah!
Monday, March 25, 2013
the meaning of marriage
I read an awful book. Okay it wasn't that awful, and I shouldn't be too mean or critical because I did win a free copy off of twitter and I highly respect the editor and think highly of the enterprise, but it is a book i almost wish i hadn't read. I'm struggling with its message and its perspective on marriage
It's a bit of an icky book. A book that delves into the world of hard and troubling marriages and relationships and gets down and dirty with them. The characters are messy. Their marriages are messy and not once does the author shy away from the horrible parts of marriage that married people experience. Which all could be a good book, but I am not sure the book executes what it has to say well enough to do marriage justice. It's a little heavy handed, so the reader is beat up a bit, brutal even. I kind of ended up feeling rubbed raw and slapped in the face and stripped of some dignity for having read it. And I really wanted to put it down, but it wasn't up to my standard of "quality" reading so I felt like I might have be reading a b-list romance novel, it was that kind of bad. But the end turned out okay and there were some good parts- but i am not sure enough.
And I couldn't handle the book for two reasons: One, having to do with quality of the written word. I think it needs to go one more round in the editing stage as some parts are BRILLIANT and some parts need further work. There is really great writing in a few chapters promising a really great story somewhere in the awfulness with some really great characters, but there wasn't a polished execution, so the mind gets scraped up a bit, trying to tying up the loose ends or the characters that don't quite work. And two, I disagree with some of the underlying priniciples, mainly that you stay in a marriage no matter what. I severely disagree with that sentiment. There are reasons to end a marriage that are godly and biblical and HEALTHY. ANd that's what I couldn't stand about the book: the message to stay in an unhealthy marriage no matter what and that being the "redemptive" quality of the book.
He** no.
If you are just hurting your spouse for the sake of hurting them and or are cheating on them because you are bored or what have you (examples of marriages in the marriage support group that the main characters attend), then you probably should get out of it. Albeit, you'll get out and be broken, but I am not sure why staying in an abusive marriage is edifying or redemptive and OKAY! IT'S NOT!!!! Have some self-respect! Sure get counseling, exhaust all sorts of means, but if the relationship has deteriorated so much that you go out of your way to HURT YOUR SPOUSE, then why are you married? Seriously. The purpose of marriage is to "help" the other person and glorify GOD and in our twisted, broken world means you will hurt them, but not in spite, not premeditated and not on purpose continually.Not sure how "hating" your spouse emotionally, physically and spiritually glorifies God and how being okay with your spouse doing what ever the f he or she wants is okay. I'm not okay with my husband hurting me, b doing whatever he wants whenever he wants when I know he's going to hurt a lot people... MY MARRIAGE IS NOT GOD. And I think the book proposes that... and gets it way wrong.
So, in conclusion, I have big issues with this book. It needs some development from a writing perspective (there are a few 2 dimensional characters who I think need some depth and other such problems in the storyline) and then idea-lly, I disagree with some of the fundamental premises.
Agree? Disagree? The book is "Better Food for a Better World" by Erin McGraw. It is rough, but has some really funny, brilliant and wonderful parts. In my meanest moments, I call it the antithesis of Tim Keller's "Meaning of Marriage" as Keller's book uplifts Marriage so dang extremely well and effectively that I felt i needed to read it after McGraw's book to 'cleanse' me. But boy do I have a lot to say after reading McGraw's. I appreciate my marriage and my husband that much more because we don't purposely try to hurt each other like some of the marriage presented in the book- at least not yet~!!!
It's a bit of an icky book. A book that delves into the world of hard and troubling marriages and relationships and gets down and dirty with them. The characters are messy. Their marriages are messy and not once does the author shy away from the horrible parts of marriage that married people experience. Which all could be a good book, but I am not sure the book executes what it has to say well enough to do marriage justice. It's a little heavy handed, so the reader is beat up a bit, brutal even. I kind of ended up feeling rubbed raw and slapped in the face and stripped of some dignity for having read it. And I really wanted to put it down, but it wasn't up to my standard of "quality" reading so I felt like I might have be reading a b-list romance novel, it was that kind of bad. But the end turned out okay and there were some good parts- but i am not sure enough.
And I couldn't handle the book for two reasons: One, having to do with quality of the written word. I think it needs to go one more round in the editing stage as some parts are BRILLIANT and some parts need further work. There is really great writing in a few chapters promising a really great story somewhere in the awfulness with some really great characters, but there wasn't a polished execution, so the mind gets scraped up a bit, trying to tying up the loose ends or the characters that don't quite work. And two, I disagree with some of the underlying priniciples, mainly that you stay in a marriage no matter what. I severely disagree with that sentiment. There are reasons to end a marriage that are godly and biblical and HEALTHY. ANd that's what I couldn't stand about the book: the message to stay in an unhealthy marriage no matter what and that being the "redemptive" quality of the book.
He** no.
If you are just hurting your spouse for the sake of hurting them and or are cheating on them because you are bored or what have you (examples of marriages in the marriage support group that the main characters attend), then you probably should get out of it. Albeit, you'll get out and be broken, but I am not sure why staying in an abusive marriage is edifying or redemptive and OKAY! IT'S NOT!!!! Have some self-respect! Sure get counseling, exhaust all sorts of means, but if the relationship has deteriorated so much that you go out of your way to HURT YOUR SPOUSE, then why are you married? Seriously. The purpose of marriage is to "help" the other person and glorify GOD and in our twisted, broken world means you will hurt them, but not in spite, not premeditated and not on purpose continually.Not sure how "hating" your spouse emotionally, physically and spiritually glorifies God and how being okay with your spouse doing what ever the f he or she wants is okay. I'm not okay with my husband hurting me, b doing whatever he wants whenever he wants when I know he's going to hurt a lot people... MY MARRIAGE IS NOT GOD. And I think the book proposes that... and gets it way wrong.
So, in conclusion, I have big issues with this book. It needs some development from a writing perspective (there are a few 2 dimensional characters who I think need some depth and other such problems in the storyline) and then idea-lly, I disagree with some of the fundamental premises.
Agree? Disagree? The book is "Better Food for a Better World" by Erin McGraw. It is rough, but has some really funny, brilliant and wonderful parts. In my meanest moments, I call it the antithesis of Tim Keller's "Meaning of Marriage" as Keller's book uplifts Marriage so dang extremely well and effectively that I felt i needed to read it after McGraw's book to 'cleanse' me. But boy do I have a lot to say after reading McGraw's. I appreciate my marriage and my husband that much more because we don't purposely try to hurt each other like some of the marriage presented in the book- at least not yet~!!!
Thursday, March 7, 2013
And then...
When the thought of returning to work excites me, we get sick and I realize that the highest priority in life at this moment is to be a mom.
Hearing you, Lord. I am a mom and need to live into that fully. No side ambitions yet.
Or maybe just a few small ones. But probably not any 9-5 ones. I have two very beautiful and remarkable creatures under my charge that need a lot of me right now so one day, I'll send them out into the world shining like stars in the heavens.
They already do a little bit, says me the proud mama. I gots me some movers and shakers for progeny. Little E knows no strangers, animal or human, and can make anyone her friend. Stubborn and demanding, wily and sweet as she is. And little man C likes to give anyone who will stop and say hi to him the most winning grin that can melt iron. They are little suns, bursting with energy and love.
They are wonderful to behold and I am grateful and privileged to be the one who will show them the ropes of this life (and, I hope, into the other). It is no small feat, being a momma. Even though I feel that mantle overshadows anything else I might be.
Dear Lord, bless the little children. Draw them unto you and may we not turn them away from the gates of your kingdom. Guide them in understanding faith and hope and love and protect them from all wickedness. Bless them, keep them, turn your face to them and give them peace to follow you all the days of their lives. In your name, Amen.
Hearing you, Lord. I am a mom and need to live into that fully. No side ambitions yet.
Or maybe just a few small ones. But probably not any 9-5 ones. I have two very beautiful and remarkable creatures under my charge that need a lot of me right now so one day, I'll send them out into the world shining like stars in the heavens.
They already do a little bit, says me the proud mama. I gots me some movers and shakers for progeny. Little E knows no strangers, animal or human, and can make anyone her friend. Stubborn and demanding, wily and sweet as she is. And little man C likes to give anyone who will stop and say hi to him the most winning grin that can melt iron. They are little suns, bursting with energy and love.
They are wonderful to behold and I am grateful and privileged to be the one who will show them the ropes of this life (and, I hope, into the other). It is no small feat, being a momma. Even though I feel that mantle overshadows anything else I might be.
Dear Lord, bless the little children. Draw them unto you and may we not turn them away from the gates of your kingdom. Guide them in understanding faith and hope and love and protect them from all wickedness. Bless them, keep them, turn your face to them and give them peace to follow you all the days of their lives. In your name, Amen.
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
Exploding
Does anyone else ever feel like they are exploding? The past few weeks I've felt like I've been exploding. Exploding with ideas. Exploding with things to say. Exploding with stress about next year. Exploding with vigor and joy and excitement.
It's been a little much. The possibilities and unknowns are overwhelming. What will I do next year? What career path should I choose if I choose to go back to work? What should I do if I think I should pursue something instead? What if I am called to this? What if I need to speak up about this? How will we make ends meets? How will we balance kids and work? and many more questions crowd my head at night trying figure out why this sudden explosion of activity in my life.
I guess this is what happens when you feel the Spirit at work. I'll try to ride the wave and listen to how and to what he calls. But it is extremely nerve wracking and scary and sort of exciting! Is it terrible that I am ready to shed a bit of my "stay at home mom" skin and do something new? Even if that new is something unseen as of yet?
Daniel and I are at a crossroads of new beginnings and opportunities. Not sure what the cards hold, but is sure is fun anticipating what's around the corner!
It's been a little much. The possibilities and unknowns are overwhelming. What will I do next year? What career path should I choose if I choose to go back to work? What should I do if I think I should pursue something instead? What if I am called to this? What if I need to speak up about this? How will we make ends meets? How will we balance kids and work? and many more questions crowd my head at night trying figure out why this sudden explosion of activity in my life.
I guess this is what happens when you feel the Spirit at work. I'll try to ride the wave and listen to how and to what he calls. But it is extremely nerve wracking and scary and sort of exciting! Is it terrible that I am ready to shed a bit of my "stay at home mom" skin and do something new? Even if that new is something unseen as of yet?
Daniel and I are at a crossroads of new beginnings and opportunities. Not sure what the cards hold, but is sure is fun anticipating what's around the corner!
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
The power to not conform
I deeply respect my parents and the choices they have made in life. They tend to choose the harder road, the road less traveled, the counterintuitive road all because they feel and listen strongly to the convictions of Christ placed on their lives.
And they've suffered for it. Burned by churches they have given themselves to sacrificially in a multitude of ways, they continue to commit themselves to serving the church and Jesus. It's humbling and hard to see how they've left 'comfortable' positions and allowed themselves to be vulnerable in difficult circumstances without any promise of, except being called faithful at the end of the day. They've left a church with a lot of friends and in the suburbs, to move to the city to plant a church without many peers. They moved to a city leaving the comforts and safety that suburbs offer. My dad left his job to go into ministry, drastically changing their lifestyles in their 'old' age. While most people seek to beef up retirement, my parents are taking a humble, low road in the name of what Jesus has placed on their hearts.
Maybe, now you see why I have issues with committing to a church (since Charlottesville). I'm just waiting to get burned. Waiting for the hurt that inevitably comes from communing with sinners. Or waiting for the hurt that comes from following christ and being faithful to what he has called you to and for the church to fail you in that regard, because it does.
And yet, even with my church baggage, I feel so blessed by parents because I have this deep power to not conform. I don't have to seek comfort or safety in the communities I am apart of. I don't have to pursue financial or social security with regards to my career or church or lifestyle. I have the power to listen to and follow my convictions, pursue Jesus with whatever I have and walk out in faith with my decisions.
And I am deeply thankful for that. My best friend and I have spent the last year feeling the angst of not fitting in with our church communities and doubting ourselves for wanting more than what we have and feeling pressure to conform to what we are not. We are non-conformers. Not content with the status quo, actively wrestling with the calls and situations god has placed in our lives. And church for us is not a social club nor just a place you go on Sunday to worship. It may be a place that hurts you and persecutes you in some way and not necessarily a place of comfort, but definitely growth. While no church is perfect, very very far from, there needs to be a conviction, even an anointing of god's, saying "go here."
And like Abraham, we have to listen to that call. Even if the call is to leave the land of your fathers and go somewhere weird or difficult or skyrockets your gas budget. Because that is what it means to have faith and to act on it, especially if it makes you different. Lord Jesus, may we listen to you in the places where we conform and not follow on convictions. Help us follow you where you go and call. help us trust the plans you have for us. In your name we pray, amen.
And they've suffered for it. Burned by churches they have given themselves to sacrificially in a multitude of ways, they continue to commit themselves to serving the church and Jesus. It's humbling and hard to see how they've left 'comfortable' positions and allowed themselves to be vulnerable in difficult circumstances without any promise of, except being called faithful at the end of the day. They've left a church with a lot of friends and in the suburbs, to move to the city to plant a church without many peers. They moved to a city leaving the comforts and safety that suburbs offer. My dad left his job to go into ministry, drastically changing their lifestyles in their 'old' age. While most people seek to beef up retirement, my parents are taking a humble, low road in the name of what Jesus has placed on their hearts.
Maybe, now you see why I have issues with committing to a church (since Charlottesville). I'm just waiting to get burned. Waiting for the hurt that inevitably comes from communing with sinners. Or waiting for the hurt that comes from following christ and being faithful to what he has called you to and for the church to fail you in that regard, because it does.
And yet, even with my church baggage, I feel so blessed by parents because I have this deep power to not conform. I don't have to seek comfort or safety in the communities I am apart of. I don't have to pursue financial or social security with regards to my career or church or lifestyle. I have the power to listen to and follow my convictions, pursue Jesus with whatever I have and walk out in faith with my decisions.
And I am deeply thankful for that. My best friend and I have spent the last year feeling the angst of not fitting in with our church communities and doubting ourselves for wanting more than what we have and feeling pressure to conform to what we are not. We are non-conformers. Not content with the status quo, actively wrestling with the calls and situations god has placed in our lives. And church for us is not a social club nor just a place you go on Sunday to worship. It may be a place that hurts you and persecutes you in some way and not necessarily a place of comfort, but definitely growth. While no church is perfect, very very far from, there needs to be a conviction, even an anointing of god's, saying "go here."
And like Abraham, we have to listen to that call. Even if the call is to leave the land of your fathers and go somewhere weird or difficult or skyrockets your gas budget. Because that is what it means to have faith and to act on it, especially if it makes you different. Lord Jesus, may we listen to you in the places where we conform and not follow on convictions. Help us follow you where you go and call. help us trust the plans you have for us. In your name we pray, amen.
Sunday, February 17, 2013
Tolerance
The themes of the last few Sunday sermons have included a few slams against tolerance. My knee jerk reaction is to go: "WHAT? Tolerance is so important. What are you talking about?" But then I realize there are subtleties to tolerance that have been overlooked in the sermon discussion. My immediate definition of tolerance that comes to mind is probably not the one the pastor is talking about. The idea that we should accept people different than us and respect them is way way way different than tolerating sin, but the term is used interchangeably. The pastor is not saying we should be intolerant people, but we should be intolerant of sin... I think. I don't know, I'm new to the denomination...
As a teacher, I embrace and enjoy being tolerant of all sorts of different perspectives my students bring to the classroom. In the cities I live and have lived and the communities I have and am apart of, I LOVE the differences and the challenges and difficulties that their "diversity" brings. I am all for mixing up different life views, philosophies, even religions. It keeps one sharp and aware of the truth of the gospel and how it is for ALL people. Also, I think diversity reflects the ulta creative God we have that is omnipotent and who can totally handle opposing sides and views and personalities.
But, when I think about it, there are things I do not tolerate. As in, a few deal breakers within my marriage. Behaviors I completely do not allow in my household or classroom. Things I abhor and will fight against and punish, etcetc. Disrespect is one. Dishonesty is another. And Daniel knows that if he ever cheated on me, our marriage would be over. Completely unable to tolerate (handle, live with) betrayal of trust or intimacy. I am completely intolerable when it comes to that.
And I am also really unable to handle bratty behavior by my two year old. Tend to nip that in the bud as effectively as I can, when I realize it (have a baby, sometimes I am lax and have to retrain her).
Things I should be more intolerant about but require too much confrontation:
-friends living with their to be husbands (worked out for all of them, but still iffy...don't want to be judgy, but would never be comfortable with it myself... this is probably what the pastor was talking about in the sermon...)
- people making discriminatory remarks
- intolerant people with regards to immigration, same sex rights, other religions and political beliefs
Things I tolerate, but I am cowardly about:
-a lot of church policies that exclude women in some way or reduce their agency and voices or abilities to be ministered or to minister
-telling people i disagree with them about x, y or z.
- people who drink soda regularly (i cringe if it's not a once or twice a year thing. it's soo gross and unhealthy. how can you put it in your body??)
- bad grammar (wait...pretty intolerant about that)
-TV ( hate it, and yet, still watch it. i'm tolerant of it, but if i never watched it again, my life would be a success).
I am all for tolerance. Think it is needed in the kingdom of God. Jesus tolerated sinners and the Pharisees (though not so much the Pharisees). He tolerates us in all our weird and imperfect ways. A good Christian is a tolerant one... except when it comes to sin. We are not to be tolerant of destructive sin in our lives or the lives of others. Don't you dare lie, cheat, steal, or murder!!! especially with regards to me!
As a teacher, I embrace and enjoy being tolerant of all sorts of different perspectives my students bring to the classroom. In the cities I live and have lived and the communities I have and am apart of, I LOVE the differences and the challenges and difficulties that their "diversity" brings. I am all for mixing up different life views, philosophies, even religions. It keeps one sharp and aware of the truth of the gospel and how it is for ALL people. Also, I think diversity reflects the ulta creative God we have that is omnipotent and who can totally handle opposing sides and views and personalities.
But, when I think about it, there are things I do not tolerate. As in, a few deal breakers within my marriage. Behaviors I completely do not allow in my household or classroom. Things I abhor and will fight against and punish, etcetc. Disrespect is one. Dishonesty is another. And Daniel knows that if he ever cheated on me, our marriage would be over. Completely unable to tolerate (handle, live with) betrayal of trust or intimacy. I am completely intolerable when it comes to that.
And I am also really unable to handle bratty behavior by my two year old. Tend to nip that in the bud as effectively as I can, when I realize it (have a baby, sometimes I am lax and have to retrain her).
Things I should be more intolerant about but require too much confrontation:
-friends living with their to be husbands (worked out for all of them, but still iffy...don't want to be judgy, but would never be comfortable with it myself... this is probably what the pastor was talking about in the sermon...)
- people making discriminatory remarks
- intolerant people with regards to immigration, same sex rights, other religions and political beliefs
Things I tolerate, but I am cowardly about:
-a lot of church policies that exclude women in some way or reduce their agency and voices or abilities to be ministered or to minister
-telling people i disagree with them about x, y or z.
- people who drink soda regularly (i cringe if it's not a once or twice a year thing. it's soo gross and unhealthy. how can you put it in your body??)
- bad grammar (wait...pretty intolerant about that)
-TV ( hate it, and yet, still watch it. i'm tolerant of it, but if i never watched it again, my life would be a success).
I am all for tolerance. Think it is needed in the kingdom of God. Jesus tolerated sinners and the Pharisees (though not so much the Pharisees). He tolerates us in all our weird and imperfect ways. A good Christian is a tolerant one... except when it comes to sin. We are not to be tolerant of destructive sin in our lives or the lives of others. Don't you dare lie, cheat, steal, or murder!!! especially with regards to me!
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