So I've been in "labor" for about two weeks. Not active labor, though at times I thought, finally! But the early, latent, let's get to 4 cm and make life uncomfortable labor. Half of me think my body shuts down labor because how it reacts to pain. Or I am just that good at my relaxation exercises. And, oh my, the emotional rollercoasters these 'faux' Braxton Hicks, latent whatever you want to call it labor contractions have sent me on! I am *trying* to have a better attitude about pregnancy, but it's pretty much the worse thing that has ever happened to me and yeah yeah I get a baby, but the toil, the work, the agony, the intense suffering I go through to get that baby. I could do without the experience. Not to say that I don't love the child I have (who is the most fun thing on the planet, the biggest joy and comedian ever) or I won't love this one (the tease who will probably be just as precocious and fun loving as his sister), I'm just saying, I don't need to ever be pregnant again. Ever. Unless there's divine intervention and God wants to torture me another 10 months because of my character flaws or to show me an ironic twist of grace like some Flannery O'Connor story. Yeah, I am failing at that good attitude about pregnancy. It's thrown me for a loop and I am not sure I'll ever wrap my head around it or understand how it's allowed to exist. Okay, I'll stop. This post was supposed to be about failure.
My darling husband, DH, is reading a book about some guy who likes to be different and argues for a 4 hour work week. Daniel likes to read out loud a passage every once in awhile about some crazy venture or thought this guy has. One of the passages he read was about dealing with failure. It went something along the lines of 'somebody's success can be directly correlated to amount of uncomfortable conversations they are willing to have' or basically, how willing a person is able to face their fears and what they are afraid of failing at. It has lead to some great food for thought. Because, though I would consider myself somewhat of a fearless person, willing to put myself out there, and push myself out of my comfort zones, I also have really deep fears of failure and fear of other rather silly things (like uncomfortable conversations with people- cannot cannot have negative conversations with people, it's sooo awful!).
Currently, I am enrolled in two grad classes in order to do a teacher license recert. One class plays to my strength and the other plays to my fears (like most of the classes I took in college- oh i enjoy the difficult paths of life). A bad grade on one of my homework assignments sent me down the trail of feeling like a failure and all my insecurities and what have you about my 'intelligence' (okay to be specific, my geospatial reasoning that boys are way better at than girls) came tumbling back. Then Daniel hits me with this quote and I realize, well, what do I realize? That it's okay to a vulnerable girl in a class and field dominated by men and to not know everything already (hence the point of the class????). I do really enjoy math, but i have never ever thought i was good at it. I mean I can get by. But never ever will I ever be able to get a masters or a phd or anything of that ilk because... well, it's hard. My brain doesn't naturally think in n-space and I am insecure about what I do know. It's the typical research study showing why girls aren't in more math and science fields (because supposedly boys don't have insecurities about asking questions and understanding what they know, but girls do). I have a huge fear of failing math, but I am unwilling to face my fear and ask the questions I need to in order to gain the knowledge and understanding I need, and so I fail... It's like the cycle of poverty. And somehow facing that fear and knowing that fear, I can slowly overcome it and be what the heck what if I sound like a ditz. Who cares (besides me!)? So what if I am not the smartest in the class anymore. What do I need to protect? My ego?
Oh, it's awful this overcoming inborn tendency to protect and preserve inner positive thoughts about one's abilities. But okay. And yes, I am sure there is a spiritual application in here somewhere. A lesson in learning humility? Fear as a sin that prevents us from doing what we need to do? A lesson in being bold and courageous like Joshua? Because there are problems out there in the world that need bold people being the hands and feet of Jesus, not fearing our inevitable failures to love our neighbors and God, but doing it just the same? Sure. It's not that hard to extrapolate. Because, you know what happens when you face yours fears or failures? You somehow enjoy life, enjoy God and his gifts more. At least, I do. I enjoy math more when I overcome any wrong answers and understand more concepts that are crazy, wondrous, and reflective of a bigger mind than my own. And that makes me filled- with a love of a God who knows all things, loves all things, is all things. It's a cool world out there, if only we put ourselves out there!
