I realize with baby number two approaching that I have very clear rules, tenets if you will, to child-raising that make my life easier. These will be all important in the coming days. But at the same time, nothing is as hard as teaching in an inner city middle school classroom, so I am not that stressed about another little one. Mamahood has been pretty easy in comparison, knock on wood. It is way easier to deal with one child than twenty, especially when I am the one with ultimate disciplinary and character building authority. It is easier to form my own child's character and discipline the way I want it to be, then to have to 'undo', 'reshape', conform other people's children who are not up to my standards of behavior. SO MUCH EASIER. It's also easier to get my child to do what I want them to do because I have so much time in the world to build that relationship. In a classroom, there's never enough time for anything and there probably shouldn't be, but at the same time, one on one conversations are really important to have in the classroom, but a teacher can't always have as many as she needs.
In short, I've been thinking about my approach to child raising and I've compiled a list of my rules that I abide by that make my life easier. Many of them I picked up from teaching middle school, believe it or not. Please enjoy. Also, FYI, baby is what we call ourselves and by ourselves I mean Evelyn. In the toddler world, everything is third-first person.
1. A fussy baby goes to bed. Or gets something to eat. But usually the first option. If a baby isn't happy, it is usually because they are hungry, tired, or need a diaper change. Or maybe in need of a break after over simulation. In any case, some alone time in bed usually works any problems out. And this problem resolution takes less than 10 minutes most of the time.
2. A fussy baby puts herself to sleep. It's a good self soothing, character building exercise. Mama does not need to prolong the sleep and tire herself out by coddling her toddler to nap or sleep. Think of it as an act to learn independence and autonomy. The baby will have to deal with her own problems in the future, might as well let her start now.
3. Babies must listen the first time. I'm only going to ask once. If I have to ask twice, immediate time out, removal of toy/food item/activity. I've spent way too much time repeating myself as a teacher. I am not going to spend any more breath or time getting people to do what they need to do as a mother. I WISH MORE PARENTS DID THIS. MEAN WHAT YOU SAY. AND BACK UP WITH CONSEQUENCES. Your child will be a good listener and so much more pleasurable to deal with. if not, don't worry, i have no problem enforcing this rule on other children. Sometimes a " what did I just ask you to do?" and "do you want a time out/ negative consequence" sends the necessary back up message that i mean what i say and i am only going to say it one time and only one time before you get in trouble.
4. Give baby two options that you, the parent, are okay with it. Do not give them open ended choices- you'll never get anywhere and it opens the door for them to learn how to manipulate you if you try too hard to cater to their 'wishes.'' Half the time they don't know what they want, but find the game of power struggle awfully fun. If they refuse your choices, decide to lay down the hammer or let them express their opinion. Alternate between the two. It's good for baby to know boundaries and learn how to choose with limited options. Other times, it's good for baby to have a strong opinion and to fight for it. I try balance between the two which often means discerning which times have the potential for manipulation and the times my child will benefit from letting her decide something. Don't deny them either experience.
5. Babies must say sorry and make a gesture of reconciliation after hurting someone or doing something wrong. Gestures can be a hug or a high five to be made after a timeout and saying sorry. Sorry isn't enough, babies have to repair the relationship by an appropriate gesture. (this is me doing what my parents did that often prevent grudges from forming and resets the balance of peace in some way).
6. Babies help with chores and tasks as soon as they can walk and understand commands. If baby purposely throws something on the floor, then baby picks it up. If baby has trash, she puts it in the trash can. The baby doesn't have to clean up her entire room, but she can help do little things. Babies are natural helpers. Mamas should not do everything and should try to let baby help out as much as possible. Especially, if there's a littler baby around. I'm all for autonomy and independence as soon as possible- call it Montessori if you will. I think a happy baby is one who feels empowered and a contributor and works as soon as she can.
7. Teach babies to sign and communicate (E started at around 10 months doing signs back). Walk them through how to communicate their feelings and wants and needs. Tell them what's appropriate and not appropriate. Make them ask for things. Make them ask for things without fussing. Explain everything. Tell them it's okay to feel anger and frustrated and sad ( but not okay to act out on it). Tell them to say they are sad or angry or mad. Make them say want they want. Tell them that they can want, but sometimes not have if it is not appropriate. REALLY IMPORTANT FUTURE CONFLICT RESOLUTION SKILLS THAT ARE BUILDING HERE. Seriously, if only more people in the world could communicate how they are feeling, what they want or need, and be okay with a positive or negative response (that is an acknowledge and probably enough for negative emotions). How many times do I model this for my middle schoolers: Say " I am upset you called me xyz. That is not okay. Please apologize. If you don't apologize, I will [take it to the next level/tell the teacher] and because it is an act of bullying expect detention " Don't punch them in the face. Girls, especially, need this communication skill in life.What I say to evelyn when upset: "I understand and am sorry you are upset and it is okay to be upset. But, you cannot act on it in a negative way. If you need space or x or y, that's fine, but you cannot z, otherwise you'll get a timeout. " I'm big on time-outs.
8. Treat toddlers with respect like you would any adult. A toddler is still a human being with dignity. They deserve explanations for actions. They should be asked calmly to do things. They do not deserve your anger. Or if they do, they will pick up on how to treat people angrily. THe world is a confusing place to be a kid, with usually only a parent as a link to deciphering it. If a parent yells and puts them in time-out in an aggressive manner without explaining, the child is left clueless and upset and often shut down. Ugh, I saw one parent do this at the playground and it drove me nuts! A calm response is best. Instead of whipping your child out of the situation and telling them they are bad for disobeying, model what the correct behavior was and then give them a time out. Instead of "Bobby, you get a spanking" violent picking up and yelling. Say, "Bobby, that was not right. Please say sorry to this little girl. And you are getting a time out because we don't xyz." DO NOT SHUT DOWN YOUR CHILD. THEY DO NOT AUTOMATICALLY KNOW your behavior expectations- so explain them to them. IF you don't, pretty sure your child will hate you most of their childhood, grudgingly give you respect, and high-tail it out of your house and rebel against anything you have ever told them. Christian parents who spank, I am talking to you. Maybe 1 case in 10 probably spanks appropriately and does what is necessary, but in the other 9 times- you probably let your anger get the best of you and crush your child's soul. Disciplining should never be done in anger or when upset. It should have a teaching moment and a positive behavior or action to be done as a follow up. It is very easy to lose a child's respect if you "demand" obedience with force. Not even God "demands" things of us. He offers us choices and wants us to partner with Him in doing the right thing. That's also another tactic of mine, especially in the classroom, reminding people that they have a choice: to do what is right or to not and suffer these consequences. And I give them that choice to make. I like empowered people, not people driven by cowering fear. Pretty sure the whole reason God sent Christ was to empower us as well "to be full heirs with Christ."
9. Otherwise, let children do what they want to do. Explore, play, jump, laugh and make a mess. My child will never be the cleanest or the calmest child all the time, but she will be inquisitive, curious, observant, social, and interactive. And interesting. Every child has a different brain and letting it set the pace (and nurturing it when appropriate) will develop another huge gift and asset to the world. There will be times to make them do what they don't want, but for the most part, toddlerdom is about establishing trust and security and building neurons paths in a healthy environment. Letting them enjoy their interests activates good parts of the brain that will set them up to be brilliant in the future.
10. Establish routines. Babies, children, middle schoolers, and adults all love routines. It makes them happy and safe. A baby who knows she will eat, sleep, play at regular times is a happy baby. Too much activity can stress a baby out. If there's a rhythm to the day, they tend to have less fits, less fights, less unhappiness. For this reason, I sometimes dread traveling with a young-one. Their schedule gets off and I as a parent have to fight more to get them on some sort of routine which means they sleep less, i sleep less, and everyone is more irritable. Heck, that's why if I want to go somewhere, I want to stay there for a while. I don't like even being the tourist- I'd rather live in a different place for a month or so to truly absorb the experience. But that's me.
I'm sure i have others, but these I think are the really important ones. I want my child healthy(mentally, physically, emotionally, socially, and spiritually), content, and ready to forge her own path in the world, while enjoying every minute of life. And these are tenets that will get her there. With prayer and love of course. How do you think I came up with them?
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