Weakness

There's a gradual realization creeping upon me that as much as I love teaching, it also physically undermines me in such a way that I might need to reconsider my options. I spent the last week fighting a rather painful infection common to teachers who never leave the classroom if they can help it.

I am slowly recovering. Again. This same infection laid me out in my previous pregnancy and even before I was pregnant and teaching ( popping 4 advil a day seemed to keep the pain away). And the pain. Oh my goodness. So much pain. Luckily, after much drama with my doctors to get me meds, I only suffered a little less than two weeks this time. It took at least a month and a week of me sitting on a couch not working for me to figure out what was wrong with me.

So I am weak. So weak. From fighting this dang infection. And I was scared. Scared my doctors wouldnt listen to me and my pain and make me suffer and I'd have to go into labor with most of energy sapped out of me. Because I am tired. Who knows when I'll get a decent energy level back to function at a somewhat normal level.

And it all breaks me. I cannot do what I think I should be able to do. I am broken. Have been broken and thought the pieces had been mended, but it seems that God always has a different path for me to go down. And I am either too stiff necked or inattentive to the whispers that I continually need to be reminded of pain. Of brokenness. Of sacrifice. Christ broke his body for us. Those who have suffered chronic, debilitating pain can somewhat understand or imagine the significance of those words. Broken means pain. Christ died for us, broken and in pain.

And then he was resurrected and restored and filled. Last week I talked about being filled and I know it is only because I have been broken that I have been filled. I only know what fullness is because I have been broken and restored by God's mighty hand. And I don't think that connection clicked until this week when I found myself suffering excruciating pain once again and realizing how it has changed me. Humbled me a bit, I hope. But it also has made me more receptive to God's love and care and truth.

I am in God's hands so he can fashion me as he wants to. And I trust him. Even if He continually reminds me of my weakness and brokenness and i don't understand why.