Evelyn is with her grandparents and Uncle Al for the week. They are at the beach enjoying the sand and the sun, 8 hours away. And while I know she is in good hands, her grandparents (on both sides) and Uncle Alex are her favorite people in the entire world and everything will be great, there is still this ache, this hole of not having her nearby. And I don't like it.
It's not separation anxiety, because I am not [that] anxious. It's not a true loss, because I'll see her on Thursday. Yet, there is this sense that a part of me is missing. I am not whole without her. I am not me without her. I am a mom without a kid and that is weird. I guess technically, I am not truly alone because there is another one growing inside me; one follows me around, sucking all my energy and calories and good moods out of me so I am a horrible nauseated mess (what mothers do/build for love!). But, this new little person is not out in the world yet, and so I am stuck longing for my other half of my half, my daily companion, the one who gives me cute snuggles and crazy laughs and so much joy because she is so full of life.
I feel a little what God must have felt when Adam and Eve left the garden ( okay, not really, but follow me on this stretch). His children left him. His creatures were no longer his constant companions, beings upon whom he could pour out his love, spirit, and knowledge. Granted, there was justice behind their separation and my daughter has done nothing wrong to cause us to separate (it's more mercantile; free babysitting while I work!) but the idea of separation is what i am getting at. I am separated from my daughter whom I love. God separated from Adam and Eve whom he loved and it all started when they sinned in the garden. The ache and the desire for the other is very real and very strong.
And the funny thing is, I don't think it's reciprocal. I know at some level Evelyn misses me, but I also know she's probably not that aware of it (because she has too many novelties to distract her). I wonder if Adam and Eve missed God, but like Evelyn, had other worries and concerns before them that they couldn't really articulate the ache, the hole, the missing piece in their lives. Because, do humans really ever articulate the ache, the holes, the missing pieces in their lives that directly relate to that separation of God (outside of the Christian faith)? Nope. I don't think so. I don't think people acknowledge those aches, because they don't know any better- they haven't any idea what it means to be a child that walks with God. They don't know how separated from God they are. And that's why, in my opinion, so much chaos reigns in the world. People are trying to fill holes they don't know how to articulate and that only God can fill and they constantly go from wrong to wrong to more wrong ways of dealing with it.
Christians are aware of this ache of separation, or at least I hope they are. But still, even we get carried away by other novelties we think can fill those holes: success, morality, legalism, wealth, altruism, holiness. But none of those things can really fill or breach the separation. Only God can. Only a person can. Because it's that relationship, those walks in the garden with God that we are missing, that we yearn for, long for, need. Interacting with God as a person is the only way we can become whole again, unbroken.
And the only way back to relationship with God is through Jesus and his death on the cross. As Holy Week commences my thoughts turn to that reconciliation of God and Man made possible by Jesus. And I am grateful. Grateful for God's ache for me. So grateful that God so ached to be in relationship with me, He sent His son to make it happen, so that I can walk with him again. It's simple and profound. God came and walked again on earth so that we could know him again and love him again and be loved by him once more. He came so we can be reunited with our missing pieces!
And I cannot wait to reunite with Evelyn. It's only three days and a plane flight away, but it can't come too soon. Granted, I might enjoy some "me" time where I don't have to be on call and constantly pumping out love and energy or whatever she might need. But in that "me" time, separation woes still plague me. And they remind me that I don't mind all that I have to do to be a mom. It's my eternal pleasure to love someone and to be the nurturing presence in their life. I rather be doing that then having these aches and pangs of separation. Just like I imagine God would rather take eternal pleasure in relationship with us, then to ache for us. Nobody likes missing pieces, even God.
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