I have a tattoo of a 'x' in an inconspicuous place on my wrist, a place easily hidden by the wristband of my watch. It's a tattoo that is more for me than for any public display of attention. It's a reminder for me to always say what I mean, put my money where my mouth is, and deal with the consequences of my actions, in addition to what x symbolizes-which is a many varied thing.
It was the semester after I graduated (graduated in the winter) when I bonded with two lacrosse coaches while working my first job after college and made the "mistake" of saying, "oh i've always wanted to get a tattoo!" They each had at least three or four tattoos and so I found myself choosing a date and time to go get a tattoo, because like I said, these coaches are people who take what you say seriously and I wasn't about to back away.
Yes, I had always toyed with the idea of a tattoo, more from an ideal, romantic perspective, not a truly serious one. But when I said I'd get one, I gave it some serious thought and realized my need for follow through- i needed to leave the flakiness of my college life behind when I constantly over-committed to being in two places at once and jumped from activity to activity, friend group to friend group. I began contemplating what would I like to have permanently drawn on my body- what would be something that would last for eternity (my whole earthly life) that I would never tired of, only appreciate more with time, and not once regret.
That's a tall order. The infinity sign was out of the question because a very dear friend already had that and in no way shape or form would it be okay to copy her. So my quest for the perfect tattoo that would represent eternity continued. Being an almost math major, my mind naturally drifted to mathematical symbols and thought what if I did a limit function! As x approaches infinity something! But then that didn't really make sense mathematically because i didn't actually want an entire math function on my wrist.
I also didn't really want anything that had words or limited symbols of one language or culture. A symbol, a true symbol was what i wanted so that if aliens came to earth they would be able to interpret the symbol in their own way. I didn't want any prior knowledge necessary to limit my tattoo to a certain time or space.
That sentiment didn't exactly pan out, but I am okay with that. I finally settled on "x", a variable to represent any unknown I want it to represent. As time has progressed, the x has taken on many layers of meaning through it's simplicity. A variable that varies its meaning. A variable that represent the unknown. That represents uncertainty. A variable that can name uncertainty that somehow makes its a certainty.
Can you see what Bible verse it is leading up to? My favorite of all time: Hebrews 11:1. Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. In my quest to find the perfect tattoo, I found an important symbol to be an outward sign of a inner resolve to take the next step in life, uncertain as life is when graduating from one thing to the next.
The tattoo represents my commitment to the unknown, to uncertainty, and to my beliefs in believing despite not knowing all that will happen. That summer I read " The Shack" and while I despised its prose and the fact every sentence started the same, there were a couple lines and ideas I liked. The one line I especially liked was this, and is basically a paraphrase of Hebrews 11:1 : " Faith does not grow in the hothouse of certainty." And that line sums up well what I committed myself to that spring after graduation. I committed to hoping in what I could not see, committed to the unknown, committed to Faith that God will lead me in the right path and that I could follow and not fear. In some ways, committing to uncertainty, was going to help me commit to the rest of my life: to my first full time job, to a potential serious relationship (something I had never been able to do), to commit to growing up and taking responsibility for myself and my actions.
And all that started with committing to permanently tattooing something on my body as a lasting reminder of commitment, of follow through, of believing despite not knowing, of having Faith. And yes, sometimes I do wish I didn't have a tattoo- why would I want something I couldn't get rid of!! But that humbles me, too. And I appreciate how that drives me to humility. And believe it or not, taking a step of faith towards commitment, has helped me commit. To a job, to a husband, to a child, to God, to life, to good times and bad, and to Jesus. And for that I am thankful. It's also sort of cool that x is "chi" in greek, which is the first letter of Christ. So what I have also committed to is Christ and he has marked me as His own forever. And I have a permanent outward sign of that on an inconspicuous place on my wrist, a place I can cover up or show off. Glory be to God the father, and the son, and the holy spirit. Amen.
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