Joy. Unexpected blessings. The surprise and grace of giving and receiving presents. Love. Christmas.
And coffee. Yummy, aromatic, delicious coffee. Whohoo! Enjoying my first cup in 26 days! Hopefully, I've learned a thing or two about my heart and its desires. More thoughts later, now is the time to be with family! Merry Christmas- may you find what you seek or may what you seek find you. Many blessings, Sarah
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Friday, December 23, 2011
Day 24- anticipation is rising
more thoughts on hymns and how they share gospel truths:
And o come o come emmanuel! The chorus goes: rejoice rejoice Emmanuel shall come to thee o Israel
Rejoice! God with us comes to us, he/she who wrestles/struggles ( the meaning of Israel).
I guess I have a perspective that everyone struggles in some way or another and that is why the message of Christmas is so potent- the one who understands our struggles is here for us to take them upon himself.
So if there is something going on in our lives that is difficult and if there is something we wrestle with, there is hope for us! And that should give us joy/hope/peace/ an understanding of what love is. God is coming for us to be with us in our struggles and we/he will
overcome.
The hymn is beautiful and has many other great lines.
Oh, Come, Oh, Come Emmanuel
Translated: John Neal, 1818-66
Oh, come, oh, come, Emmanuel,
And ransom captive Israel,
That mourns in lonely exile here
Until the Son of God appear.
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to you, O Israel!
Oh, come, our Wisdom from on high,
Who ordered all things mightily;
To us the path of knowledge show,
and teach us in her ways to go.
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to you, O Israel!
Oh, come, oh, come, our Lord of might,
Who to your tribes on Sinai's height
In ancient times gave holy law,
In cloud and majesty and awe.
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to you, O Israel!
Oh, come O Rod of Jesse's stem,
From ev'ry foe deliver them
That trust your mighty pow'r to save;
Bring them in vict'ry through the grave.
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to you, O Israel!
Oh, come, O Key of David, come,
And open wide our heav'nly home;
Make safe the way that leads on high,
And close the path to misery.
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to you, O Israel!
Oh, come, our Dayspring from on high,
And cheer us by your drawing nigh,
Disperse the gloomy clouds of night,
And death's dark shadows put to flight.
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to you, O Israel!
Oh, come, Desire of nations, bind
In one the hearts of all mankind;
Oh, bid our sad divisions cease,
And be yourself our King of Peace.
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to you, O Israel!
Hymn # 31 from Lutheran Worship
Author: French Processional
Tune: Veni Emmanuel
1st Published in: 1854
And o come o come emmanuel! The chorus goes: rejoice rejoice Emmanuel shall come to thee o Israel
Rejoice! God with us comes to us, he/she who wrestles/struggles ( the meaning of Israel).
I guess I have a perspective that everyone struggles in some way or another and that is why the message of Christmas is so potent- the one who understands our struggles is here for us to take them upon himself.
So if there is something going on in our lives that is difficult and if there is something we wrestle with, there is hope for us! And that should give us joy/hope/peace/ an understanding of what love is. God is coming for us to be with us in our struggles and we/he will
overcome.
The hymn is beautiful and has many other great lines.
Oh, Come, Oh, Come Emmanuel
Translated: John Neal, 1818-66
Oh, come, oh, come, Emmanuel,
And ransom captive Israel,
That mourns in lonely exile here
Until the Son of God appear.
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to you, O Israel!
Oh, come, our Wisdom from on high,
Who ordered all things mightily;
To us the path of knowledge show,
and teach us in her ways to go.
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to you, O Israel!
Oh, come, oh, come, our Lord of might,
Who to your tribes on Sinai's height
In ancient times gave holy law,
In cloud and majesty and awe.
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to you, O Israel!
Oh, come O Rod of Jesse's stem,
From ev'ry foe deliver them
That trust your mighty pow'r to save;
Bring them in vict'ry through the grave.
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to you, O Israel!
Oh, come, O Key of David, come,
And open wide our heav'nly home;
Make safe the way that leads on high,
And close the path to misery.
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to you, O Israel!
Oh, come, our Dayspring from on high,
And cheer us by your drawing nigh,
Disperse the gloomy clouds of night,
And death's dark shadows put to flight.
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to you, O Israel!
Oh, come, Desire of nations, bind
In one the hearts of all mankind;
Oh, bid our sad divisions cease,
And be yourself our King of Peace.
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to you, O Israel!
Hymn # 31 from Lutheran Worship
Author: French Processional
Tune: Veni Emmanuel
1st Published in: 1854
Day 23- All Glory Given
Sometimes, old hymns say all that needs to be said. Come, all ye faithful, be joyful and triumphant! What else would you said when something glorious happens that you have long awaited?
Because, if you've travelled that Christian journey (or even on a plain old life journey) for awhile, you know that sometimes it is really hard to be joyful and triumphant. There are too many things that can get you (me) down. whoever wrote these words knew that the message of a newborn king who would change things was given in the midst of sorrow and heartache. And maybe he/she also knew that a pep talk was needed in order to stir the hearts of those that would hear the words. Come on, get excited, the one we've waited for is here! Come out of mourning and weeping! Rejoice! Remember to rejoice! At least, that is how I see the song: people needed to be reminded to be joyful. And there is a need to adore, because it is easy in the midst of life to forget our purpose in this life. The westminister catechism puts it so nicely when it answers the question, " what is the chief end of man? To know god and enjoy him fully." to know, to enjoy is to adore and I like the thought that we need to come and adore Jesus, triumphantly and joyfully. I think by not drinking coffee, I've come to see some ways I can adore something (inanimate object though it is). How much better is it to adore someone! And that someone who will fulfill some vey great and numerous promises!
Another thought i have is that O, Come all ye Faithful is a happy song. a happy song that is to be sung in a victorious manner.
And victory implies hardship and loss- two cruxes of the human experience. Another reminder to not lose hope and that we should anxiously await a new day where all will be put to right. Come Lord Jesus fill our hearts with joy!
O come, all ye faithful,
Joyful and triumphant!
O come ye, O come ye to Bethlehem;
Come and behold him
Born the King of Angels:
Chorus:
O come, let us adore Him,
O come, let us adore Him,
O come, let us adore Him, Christ the Lord.
God of God,
Light of Light,
Lo, he abhors not the Virgin's womb;
Very God,
Begotten, not created:
Sing, choirs of angels,
Sing in exultation,
Sing, all ye citizens of Heaven above!
Glory to God
In the highest:
Yea, Lord, we greet thee,
Born this happy morning;
Jesus, to thee be glory given!
Word of the Father,
Now in flesh appearing!
Because, if you've travelled that Christian journey (or even on a plain old life journey) for awhile, you know that sometimes it is really hard to be joyful and triumphant. There are too many things that can get you (me) down. whoever wrote these words knew that the message of a newborn king who would change things was given in the midst of sorrow and heartache. And maybe he/she also knew that a pep talk was needed in order to stir the hearts of those that would hear the words. Come on, get excited, the one we've waited for is here! Come out of mourning and weeping! Rejoice! Remember to rejoice! At least, that is how I see the song: people needed to be reminded to be joyful. And there is a need to adore, because it is easy in the midst of life to forget our purpose in this life. The westminister catechism puts it so nicely when it answers the question, " what is the chief end of man? To know god and enjoy him fully." to know, to enjoy is to adore and I like the thought that we need to come and adore Jesus, triumphantly and joyfully. I think by not drinking coffee, I've come to see some ways I can adore something (inanimate object though it is). How much better is it to adore someone! And that someone who will fulfill some vey great and numerous promises!
Another thought i have is that O, Come all ye Faithful is a happy song. a happy song that is to be sung in a victorious manner.
And victory implies hardship and loss- two cruxes of the human experience. Another reminder to not lose hope and that we should anxiously await a new day where all will be put to right. Come Lord Jesus fill our hearts with joy!
O come, all ye faithful,
Joyful and triumphant!
O come ye, O come ye to Bethlehem;
Come and behold him
Born the King of Angels:
Chorus:
O come, let us adore Him,
O come, let us adore Him,
O come, let us adore Him, Christ the Lord.
God of God,
Light of Light,
Lo, he abhors not the Virgin's womb;
Very God,
Begotten, not created:
Sing, choirs of angels,
Sing in exultation,
Sing, all ye citizens of Heaven above!
Glory to God
In the highest:
Yea, Lord, we greet thee,
Born this happy morning;
Jesus, to thee be glory given!
Word of the Father,
Now in flesh appearing!
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Day 22- Humility
Three more days until coffee. What will I do with myself when I can have a nice hot cup of joe? I probably should buy some of my favorite roasts here in Durham before we leave for Florida so I can have the best possible cup on Christmas morning.
Sort of selfish of me when lots of hard things are happening all around me. Daniel's family is preparing for Granddad Horace's funeral, other folks are suffering from illnesses and medical complications, other people need jobs or need prayer for relationships. Heavy stuff is going on and what I like to think is my greatest difficulty in life right now is not drinking coffee. Ugh. This week God has put some things in perspective for me and revealed (yet again), that a tough, stoic exterior ain't all it's cracked up to be. He's chipped away at my hard shell a little bit and made me see that i need to get out and over myself and let him do his thing. Mary's Magnificat in Luke is pretty powerful example of how to do just that. She didn't backtalk with excuses how this or that would inconvenience or how she wasn't ready to take that leap of faith, she just rolled with it, looked at the bigger picture, and put all her trust and faith in God, that from this prayer, seems like she knew really well. I hope as Christmas comes to pass that I, too, can praise God like Mary for all the great things he has done-- and not be so concerned with myself.
47 and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior,
48 for he has looked on the humble estate of his servant.
For behold, from now on all generations will call me blessed;
49 for he who is mighty has done great things for me,
and holy is his name.
50 And his mercy is for those who fear him
from generation to generation.
51 He has shown strength with his arm;
he has scattered the proud in the thoughts of their hearts;
52 he has brought down the mighty from their thrones
and exalted those of humble estate;
53 he has filled the hungry with good things,
and the rich he has sent away empty.
54 He has helped his servant Israel,
in remembrance of his mercy,
55 as he spoke to our fathers,
to Abraham and to his offspring forever.”
56 And Mary remained with her about three months and returned to her home.
Here's to letting God do his thing and humbling myself and letting go and trying to be a vessel for God's work. Here's to interceding in prayer for others and figuring out what it means to let the Lord magnify my soul. Come, Lord Jesus, have mercy on us!
Sort of selfish of me when lots of hard things are happening all around me. Daniel's family is preparing for Granddad Horace's funeral, other folks are suffering from illnesses and medical complications, other people need jobs or need prayer for relationships. Heavy stuff is going on and what I like to think is my greatest difficulty in life right now is not drinking coffee. Ugh. This week God has put some things in perspective for me and revealed (yet again), that a tough, stoic exterior ain't all it's cracked up to be. He's chipped away at my hard shell a little bit and made me see that i need to get out and over myself and let him do his thing. Mary's Magnificat in Luke is pretty powerful example of how to do just that. She didn't backtalk with excuses how this or that would inconvenience or how she wasn't ready to take that leap of faith, she just rolled with it, looked at the bigger picture, and put all her trust and faith in God, that from this prayer, seems like she knew really well. I hope as Christmas comes to pass that I, too, can praise God like Mary for all the great things he has done-- and not be so concerned with myself.
Mary's Song of Praise: The Magnificat Luke 1 46-56
46 And Mary said, “My soul magnifies the Lord,47 and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior,
48 for he has looked on the humble estate of his servant.
For behold, from now on all generations will call me blessed;
49 for he who is mighty has done great things for me,
and holy is his name.
50 And his mercy is for those who fear him
from generation to generation.
51 He has shown strength with his arm;
he has scattered the proud in the thoughts of their hearts;
52 he has brought down the mighty from their thrones
and exalted those of humble estate;
53 he has filled the hungry with good things,
and the rich he has sent away empty.
54 He has helped his servant Israel,
in remembrance of his mercy,
55 as he spoke to our fathers,
to Abraham and to his offspring forever.”
56 And Mary remained with her about three months and returned to her home.
Here's to letting God do his thing and humbling myself and letting go and trying to be a vessel for God's work. Here's to interceding in prayer for others and figuring out what it means to let the Lord magnify my soul. Come, Lord Jesus, have mercy on us!
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
day 20/21- losing steam
there is a pattern in my life where I start off strong with a new project, am so excited about it, and then something happens. May be there is a set back or too much time passes or things don't progress as i imagined them, and I begin to lose steam. When this happens, I have two choices ahead of me: i either choose to dig my heels in and grit my teeth to take it to the finish line by sheer determination or I let it simply die, hoping maybe some life will be resurrected into while it fades, but if that doesn't happen, I let it rest. Writing, no coffee, and my other projects, are all losing steam. Since I have more structure in place with other projects and I am an object in motion set in motion with no coffee, those are the ones I know I will grit my teeth and get done... but writing... that one may gently float into nothingness... unless I concertedly dig in my heels.
There are four days left until Christmas. Can I finish off this blog strong?
Have I learned to wait, to anticipate, to enter into a quiet contemplative state? I think so. I think I have built better habits over the course of this fast. I think I have felt myself be led more into the presence of God and have felt his hand at work. I have tasted the sweetness of God through this writing project. The reflection and ordering of my thoughts has helped me feel more alive and peaceful. It has been a very enjoyable time that I've cherished. I recommend that people feeling "dry" in their spiritual life, find that which helps them feel more alive and connected with God- be it writing, running, painting, music, whatever. My question now is, will I keep up those habits when I pick up coffee once again? The answer is I hope so.
Also, Daniel's granddad passed away this afternoon. We knew it was coming and know he is in a better place (it is a better place, maybe that is not a comforting thought to those that mourn, but he is whole again and is not in pain!). Yet, there is a loss and somber reflection on death and his life. It is the literal aspect of the old has gone... when will the new come? When will there be a new earth that does not have death and dying, grief and loss? When, Lord, will you come again? The hymn below is my response for right now.
Hymn for the day:
Let all mortal flesh keep silence,
And with fear and trembling stand;
Ponder nothing earthly minded,
For with blessing in His hand,
Christ our God to earth descendeth
Our full homage to demand.
King of kings, yet born of Mary,
As of old on earth He stood,
Lord of lords, in human vesture,
In the body and the blood;
He will give to all the faithful
His own self for heavenly food.
Rank on rank the host of heaven
Spreads its vanguard on the way,
As the Light of light descendeth
From the realms of endless day,
That the powers of hell may vanish
As the darkness clears away.
At His feet the six winged seraph,
Cherubim with sleepless eye,
Veil their faces to the presence,
As with ceaseless voice they cry:
Alleluia, Alleluia
Alleluia, Lord Most High!
There are four days left until Christmas. Can I finish off this blog strong?
Have I learned to wait, to anticipate, to enter into a quiet contemplative state? I think so. I think I have built better habits over the course of this fast. I think I have felt myself be led more into the presence of God and have felt his hand at work. I have tasted the sweetness of God through this writing project. The reflection and ordering of my thoughts has helped me feel more alive and peaceful. It has been a very enjoyable time that I've cherished. I recommend that people feeling "dry" in their spiritual life, find that which helps them feel more alive and connected with God- be it writing, running, painting, music, whatever. My question now is, will I keep up those habits when I pick up coffee once again? The answer is I hope so.
Also, Daniel's granddad passed away this afternoon. We knew it was coming and know he is in a better place (it is a better place, maybe that is not a comforting thought to those that mourn, but he is whole again and is not in pain!). Yet, there is a loss and somber reflection on death and his life. It is the literal aspect of the old has gone... when will the new come? When will there be a new earth that does not have death and dying, grief and loss? When, Lord, will you come again? The hymn below is my response for right now.
Hymn for the day:
Let all mortal flesh keep silence,
And with fear and trembling stand;
Ponder nothing earthly minded,
For with blessing in His hand,
Christ our God to earth descendeth
Our full homage to demand.
King of kings, yet born of Mary,
As of old on earth He stood,
Lord of lords, in human vesture,
In the body and the blood;
He will give to all the faithful
His own self for heavenly food.
Rank on rank the host of heaven
Spreads its vanguard on the way,
As the Light of light descendeth
From the realms of endless day,
That the powers of hell may vanish
As the darkness clears away.
At His feet the six winged seraph,
Cherubim with sleepless eye,
Veil their faces to the presence,
As with ceaseless voice they cry:
Alleluia, Alleluia
Alleluia, Lord Most High!
Sunday, December 18, 2011
day 18/19 pottermore and harry potter
This weekend I finished reading the seventh Harry Potter in French. Cannot get over how good the story is, no matter the language. Different parts always hit me everytime I read it. This reading the themes of power spoke out in conjunction with the parallels to what happened in the First and Second World Wars and/or what is happening/happened in various arab spring states. Grindelwald and Voldemort in their lust for power destroy destroy destroy. The race for a pure blood state is much like the holocaust or what have you massacre of ethnic/religious minorities. Rowling paints very deep and heavy stuff in the background of the story in the midst of the Harry Potter storyline in order to help readers connect to historical and present day issues regarding power and tyranny and evil.
How does that relate to Advent?
Well, I could always connect Grindelwald and Voldemort to Herod who committed similar atrocities after the birth of Christ. Or the fact that Christ came to earth in order for the world to be righted- he came to be the Righteous Ruler who would be Just and rule correctly. No more evil tyrants, no more fear, no more death. And while Christ's fight with death happened in those three days when he descended into hell after his crucifixion, it all had to start with His birth. Just like Harry's journey to conquer Voldemort began with him surviving the killing curse as a baby, Jesus's rise to supremacy over death began in an inauspicious stable with dirty animals and hay. Our journeys to become right with God through Jesus's sacrifice also follow suit: we are said to be born (again) in Christ and we fight evil and temptations of power and pride, learning to sacrifice ourselves like Jesus and Harry Potter. And when we fail, we repent and have remorse and know that Christ is Lord of all and will reign and right all wrongs. In Advent, even when we see examples of injustice and grave misuses of power, we remember and reflect on and yearn for Christ's second coming to Power to Restore Good to the earth. Come, Lord Jesus! Come! May we humbly serve you and not be tempted by power and pride! Keep us lowly, like the ox and the lamb who witnessed!!! your birth. May we look for you in lowly places and be content to find you there.
Also, as a side note, some perks of reading HP in French, besides picking up some vocab and grammar, are reading the "frenchified" names of main characters. Crockdur is fang, hagrid's dog; Terrier is the Burrow (okay, that's a bit literal of a translation); Crackmols are Squibs, Serpentard is Slytherin; Rogue is Snape and the list goes on. I guess you have to be a person that loves words and etymology to get why reading harry potter in two languages is such a feast. Tolkien did the same thing in LOTR which was overkill(anglicizing already sort of anglicaized names, really?)... read the annex at the end of return of the king... He made the names of merry and pippin and frodo super complicated. Oh, how I love morphemes! in english and french!
ALso, i finally logged onto pottermore- oh dear. what a time waster. must resist making potions- seriously, it's target population is 12 year olds... why am I suddenly wanting to earn as many house points as i can doing inane potions and spells? new fast: pottermore!
How does that relate to Advent?
Well, I could always connect Grindelwald and Voldemort to Herod who committed similar atrocities after the birth of Christ. Or the fact that Christ came to earth in order for the world to be righted- he came to be the Righteous Ruler who would be Just and rule correctly. No more evil tyrants, no more fear, no more death. And while Christ's fight with death happened in those three days when he descended into hell after his crucifixion, it all had to start with His birth. Just like Harry's journey to conquer Voldemort began with him surviving the killing curse as a baby, Jesus's rise to supremacy over death began in an inauspicious stable with dirty animals and hay. Our journeys to become right with God through Jesus's sacrifice also follow suit: we are said to be born (again) in Christ and we fight evil and temptations of power and pride, learning to sacrifice ourselves like Jesus and Harry Potter. And when we fail, we repent and have remorse and know that Christ is Lord of all and will reign and right all wrongs. In Advent, even when we see examples of injustice and grave misuses of power, we remember and reflect on and yearn for Christ's second coming to Power to Restore Good to the earth. Come, Lord Jesus! Come! May we humbly serve you and not be tempted by power and pride! Keep us lowly, like the ox and the lamb who witnessed!!! your birth. May we look for you in lowly places and be content to find you there.
Also, as a side note, some perks of reading HP in French, besides picking up some vocab and grammar, are reading the "frenchified" names of main characters. Crockdur is fang, hagrid's dog; Terrier is the Burrow (okay, that's a bit literal of a translation); Crackmols are Squibs, Serpentard is Slytherin; Rogue is Snape and the list goes on. I guess you have to be a person that loves words and etymology to get why reading harry potter in two languages is such a feast. Tolkien did the same thing in LOTR which was overkill(anglicizing already sort of anglicaized names, really?)... read the annex at the end of return of the king... He made the names of merry and pippin and frodo super complicated. Oh, how I love morphemes! in english and french!
ALso, i finally logged onto pottermore- oh dear. what a time waster. must resist making potions- seriously, it's target population is 12 year olds... why am I suddenly wanting to earn as many house points as i can doing inane potions and spells? new fast: pottermore!
Friday, December 16, 2011
day 17-where has time gone? and i thought it healed wounds
A week from sunday! A week from sunday? Christmas is here in a week? That is not a lot of time! I haven't bought Daniel anything for Christmas, ayayai. Turns out all that being ahead of the game for his family came back and bit me as his family decided to do buy one person a gift exchange after I bought and shipped them all presents. Yes, i feel a tad frustrated. Grrr. I am in need of a big attitude change. Dear Lord, work on my heart! Please help me get out of my own selfishness and self-righteousness. Hopefully before we leave!
Has anyone else read Real Simple's article on holding grudges? I realized recently that I hold grudges (another awful residual effect from my nightmare year in dc) and I identified with the author of the article about holding grudges, and maybe (maybe!) the need to let go. Note, that most of my grudges are retroactive, meaning the person had to repeatedly offended me until i built up enough bad feelings about them to realize it (sometimes wiping the slate clean is not a good thing) or it was only in looking back/experiencing better friends that I realized: "hey, that person wasn't very nice to me, actually, they were awful, why did i think that I was their friend?" yea, have a few of those. I guess the first step is acknowledging it. The second step is humbling myself enough to create space to let God's grace work in my heart. Ah! Learning to forgive! It used to be easy! Now it is not!
Has anyone else read Real Simple's article on holding grudges? I realized recently that I hold grudges (another awful residual effect from my nightmare year in dc) and I identified with the author of the article about holding grudges, and maybe (maybe!) the need to let go. Note, that most of my grudges are retroactive, meaning the person had to repeatedly offended me until i built up enough bad feelings about them to realize it (sometimes wiping the slate clean is not a good thing) or it was only in looking back/experiencing better friends that I realized: "hey, that person wasn't very nice to me, actually, they were awful, why did i think that I was their friend?" yea, have a few of those. I guess the first step is acknowledging it. The second step is humbling myself enough to create space to let God's grace work in my heart. Ah! Learning to forgive! It used to be easy! Now it is not!
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Day 15- I forgot to list coffee???
This no coffee thing must be working. When listing "joys" of my life, coffee didn't make the list. Or maybe I didn't write it because I have already talked about how much I enjoy coffee. I really enjoy coffee, from its smell when its being ground to its bittery smooth taste to the warmth that emanates from the mug: i get a lot out of coffee. Another joy I didn't list was my daughter, but I think children are things you ponder, like Mary did with Jesus. They are to be treasured in ones heart. Because as much as you enjoy them, there are just as many emotions of fear, anxiety, worry, and attachment going along side the joy. You have a child, but they aren't "yours"l they will be their own person very soon- so you have to prepare them for that and prepare yourself the parent for that. As a parent you can care for them, comfort them, feel them nurture them teach them, but in the end, they will make their own decisions and you will have to let them live their own life, not the life you want for them. Add the infinite amount of circumstances that could happen to them make it so hard to be a parent. Prayer is key. And nnowing they are in God's hands one way or the other whatever accidents or windfalls or hard things happen to them gives some peace as well.
I wonder if Mary had that perspective as she raised Jesus. I wonder if she knew how to put distance to her fears and worries and not let them consume her. I wondered if she thought God would pull an Isaac and Abraham and ram would be substituted for Jesus so he wouldn't have to die on a cross. I wonder if we understand that sacrifice. Would I as a parent be willing to sacrifice my own child for others? How did God let his child be sacrificed for us? Talk about joy and sorrow. I never want to turn my back on my daughter, but that is what God did so Jesus could take the sin of everyone unto his shoulders. Could I love sacrificially like that? What does it look like to love like that? I can hope God will show me the proper response to his love as a Father and that I can love my daughter in a right way that will glorify God and honor her, too. Help us Lord Jesus love and sacrifice like you.
I wonder if Mary had that perspective as she raised Jesus. I wonder if she knew how to put distance to her fears and worries and not let them consume her. I wondered if she thought God would pull an Isaac and Abraham and ram would be substituted for Jesus so he wouldn't have to die on a cross. I wonder if we understand that sacrifice. Would I as a parent be willing to sacrifice my own child for others? How did God let his child be sacrificed for us? Talk about joy and sorrow. I never want to turn my back on my daughter, but that is what God did so Jesus could take the sin of everyone unto his shoulders. Could I love sacrificially like that? What does it look like to love like that? I can hope God will show me the proper response to his love as a Father and that I can love my daughter in a right way that will glorify God and honor her, too. Help us Lord Jesus love and sacrifice like you.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Day 14- A baking fiend
For some reason, I am back into baking. Nutella swirl pound cake, chocolate cookies with malted cream, and apple crisp have been my most recent exploits and recipes on repeat. Am into cooking, too, have made about five different kinds of soup ranging from onion to chicken to fish chowder to some sort of potato chicken chowder medley to curry. There is something with taking fresh, raw ingredients and creating something delicious out of them that connects with me. I follow recipes sometimes; othertimes, I don't and sort of ad lib and throw whatever I have in the fridge. The kitchen is my laboratory to experiment and explore food.
I guess i could blame the fact i am not drinking coffee anymore for this sudden resurgence of baking and cooking. Perhaps my taste buds are rebelling and demanding new spices and flavors since they can't have their precious coffee taste. Maybe coffee dulled my senses and appetite so I was content with less and now my senses and appetite want more and more "good" (read buttery) things to digest. Who knows.
The baking is also a response to seasonal activities- christmas brunches and parties and gifts; the cooking, a response to trying to save money and the fact what I make at home tastes almost as good as what you'd get out of a restaurant without paying an arm and a leg. Seriously, olive oil, salt and pepper and whathaveyou protein and/or vegetable are all you need to make delicious dinners. Thank you summer in Rome for teaching me that. Not much beats a roasted chicken and vegetables with a side salad for dinner, except maybe my curry or one of my soups.
I guess all these thoughts on food lead me back to this week's advent theme of joy and sorrow because I get such immense pleasure from cooking and food. When I look back at "fond memories" I think of moments where I felt at peace and with contentment and more often than not, that involves me being in a kitchen. Baking apple pie or crisp or bread after a day spent apple picking at carter's mountain. Kneading pastry dough. Icing a six layer cake. Making the filling for said six layer cake. Watching cream turn into whipped cream and putting the wrong kind of framboise in it. Making mistakes and still thinking whatever i made was still delicious. When i was pregnant, I'd make bread and croissants and crazy yummy hazelnut blueberry cheesecake bars- I didn't want to eat them, I just wanted to make'em. Even now the chore of making dinner every evening is a rhythm and routine that I welcome as a time to rest and be. I'm not sure why peace and serenity are synonymous to joy in my dictionary, but they are.
If I stop and think for awhile, I also know I have great joy in running, writing (fiction), dancing, teaching, working with kids, editing film, reading and talking about good stories, gardening, being outside (especially near mountains or in charlottesville, especially at night walking the downtown, inebriated or not ;)), buying and wearing amazing shoes, talking/writing about themes found in the bible, good conversations (esp. with sarah dupee and other dear friends), analyzing french literature/listening to french lit professors analyze french lit. And I am sure there are others. Marriage is a mixed bag since I sort of got hit by a bus metaphorically immediately after getting married and there were little to no joys in my life for awhile (besides my husband). Need a little more distance from my nightmare year until I can say marriage is a joy. Marriage so far has proved to be very restricting and humbling and devastating (in the sense everything i was before i was married has utterly been destroyed/is gone and I am rebuilding everything: identity, career, ambitions, community, etc). I am "type B" aka laid back so it is not like i held onto those things too closely anyway- but was and is still extremely hard to have had them taken away and start from scratch! (life lesson, don't put down roots really deep and then leave them suddenly without preparing yourself for heartache. here was an instance where I wish I wasn't so laissez faire and had been too afraid to leave... nothing's the same internally, since i left, i think i am still in mourning. my "highs" aren't as high as they once were. It is like I know what if feels like to be at full capacity and i don't ever get there anymore and the lack of fullness is very present in the highs and the lows and dulls them or makes me remember "what once had been". don't know if that makes any sense and I don't know if it is possible to be/feel more fully alive in one place than any other, but that's how i feel. Isn't that strange that i am so attached to a place? hopefully, jesus did not feel like coming to earth, regarding heaven, but maybe he did).
And there are some thoughts on sorrow. And i think the reflection on that one is that you are never prepared for sorrow to pierce you nor for how it will change you. When it pierces you, it is really painful and that pain begins to change you. It's like the sand that agitates and irritates an oyster's mouth. We mull over it over and over again and it shapes us, hopefully producing something as beautiful as a pearl. But I know too well that it can also breed bad habits that we humans aren't exactly equipped to handle. That is why it is soo important we get the gospel and understand that God has come to bear our burdens and take our sorrows up on Himself. Immanuel, God with Us, he knows our sorrows and is the one who can comfort us. That is why he was born, to be our Prince of Peace and Counselor. To remind us we will be more fully alive with Him! May we cast our cares on Him!
I guess i could blame the fact i am not drinking coffee anymore for this sudden resurgence of baking and cooking. Perhaps my taste buds are rebelling and demanding new spices and flavors since they can't have their precious coffee taste. Maybe coffee dulled my senses and appetite so I was content with less and now my senses and appetite want more and more "good" (read buttery) things to digest. Who knows.
The baking is also a response to seasonal activities- christmas brunches and parties and gifts; the cooking, a response to trying to save money and the fact what I make at home tastes almost as good as what you'd get out of a restaurant without paying an arm and a leg. Seriously, olive oil, salt and pepper and whathaveyou protein and/or vegetable are all you need to make delicious dinners. Thank you summer in Rome for teaching me that. Not much beats a roasted chicken and vegetables with a side salad for dinner, except maybe my curry or one of my soups.
I guess all these thoughts on food lead me back to this week's advent theme of joy and sorrow because I get such immense pleasure from cooking and food. When I look back at "fond memories" I think of moments where I felt at peace and with contentment and more often than not, that involves me being in a kitchen. Baking apple pie or crisp or bread after a day spent apple picking at carter's mountain. Kneading pastry dough. Icing a six layer cake. Making the filling for said six layer cake. Watching cream turn into whipped cream and putting the wrong kind of framboise in it. Making mistakes and still thinking whatever i made was still delicious. When i was pregnant, I'd make bread and croissants and crazy yummy hazelnut blueberry cheesecake bars- I didn't want to eat them, I just wanted to make'em. Even now the chore of making dinner every evening is a rhythm and routine that I welcome as a time to rest and be. I'm not sure why peace and serenity are synonymous to joy in my dictionary, but they are.
If I stop and think for awhile, I also know I have great joy in running, writing (fiction), dancing, teaching, working with kids, editing film, reading and talking about good stories, gardening, being outside (especially near mountains or in charlottesville, especially at night walking the downtown, inebriated or not ;)), buying and wearing amazing shoes, talking/writing about themes found in the bible, good conversations (esp. with sarah dupee and other dear friends), analyzing french literature/listening to french lit professors analyze french lit. And I am sure there are others. Marriage is a mixed bag since I sort of got hit by a bus metaphorically immediately after getting married and there were little to no joys in my life for awhile (besides my husband). Need a little more distance from my nightmare year until I can say marriage is a joy. Marriage so far has proved to be very restricting and humbling and devastating (in the sense everything i was before i was married has utterly been destroyed/is gone and I am rebuilding everything: identity, career, ambitions, community, etc). I am "type B" aka laid back so it is not like i held onto those things too closely anyway- but was and is still extremely hard to have had them taken away and start from scratch! (life lesson, don't put down roots really deep and then leave them suddenly without preparing yourself for heartache. here was an instance where I wish I wasn't so laissez faire and had been too afraid to leave... nothing's the same internally, since i left, i think i am still in mourning. my "highs" aren't as high as they once were. It is like I know what if feels like to be at full capacity and i don't ever get there anymore and the lack of fullness is very present in the highs and the lows and dulls them or makes me remember "what once had been". don't know if that makes any sense and I don't know if it is possible to be/feel more fully alive in one place than any other, but that's how i feel. Isn't that strange that i am so attached to a place? hopefully, jesus did not feel like coming to earth, regarding heaven, but maybe he did).
And there are some thoughts on sorrow. And i think the reflection on that one is that you are never prepared for sorrow to pierce you nor for how it will change you. When it pierces you, it is really painful and that pain begins to change you. It's like the sand that agitates and irritates an oyster's mouth. We mull over it over and over again and it shapes us, hopefully producing something as beautiful as a pearl. But I know too well that it can also breed bad habits that we humans aren't exactly equipped to handle. That is why it is soo important we get the gospel and understand that God has come to bear our burdens and take our sorrows up on Himself. Immanuel, God with Us, he knows our sorrows and is the one who can comfort us. That is why he was born, to be our Prince of Peace and Counselor. To remind us we will be more fully alive with Him! May we cast our cares on Him!
Monday, December 12, 2011
Day 12/13- Prayer
It is hard to write. Or I am finding it hard to find time to write. Busyness has set in and I am finding it harder to quiet myself and make room for God to speak and work on my heart. In addition to writing everyday, I found that God's putting it on my heart to pray more everyday. I find that I am easily distracted when I pray, so I'm starting to pray continuously just because I feel like I never finish praying. It is good, but I also am not that great at praying without journaling at the same time. I use to be good at prayer journals, but after charlottesville, I mourned too many things and prayer journal was one of the thing that passed away and I entered a new era of prayer. I miss it, but there's some baggage I feel with it. There's pain in prayer journal. I think because I poured out so much of myself into them and when it all feel apart (it meaning my life, and it happened multiple times, according to me) it was something i gave up/taken away from me. Writing in fact was also "taken away from me" for a spell and I am only getting back into it now.
This week is the week of joy and sorrow and the Lord has been teaching me a lot about both the past six years. The Lord gives and He takes away, may the name of the Lord be praised. And I know the lessons I've learned are important in addition to being painful, they hopefully have humbled me a bit, but it's been a long road to experience the Joy of the Lord once again. But having experienced sorrow, I more fully grasp the Gospel and understand why Jesus came- because most people live in sorrow and pain and darkness. The Gospel is the message that there is Joy for them, there is healing for them, there is light for them! Jesus has come to right the wrongs and take the sting out of death! And for that, I have learned to rejoice.
This week is the week of joy and sorrow and the Lord has been teaching me a lot about both the past six years. The Lord gives and He takes away, may the name of the Lord be praised. And I know the lessons I've learned are important in addition to being painful, they hopefully have humbled me a bit, but it's been a long road to experience the Joy of the Lord once again. But having experienced sorrow, I more fully grasp the Gospel and understand why Jesus came- because most people live in sorrow and pain and darkness. The Gospel is the message that there is Joy for them, there is healing for them, there is light for them! Jesus has come to right the wrongs and take the sting out of death! And for that, I have learned to rejoice.
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Day -11 Evergreens and Let the Festivities begin
Today we bought a tree! And they gave me all the trimmings! The house in now decorated with garlands and sprigs of whatever fir our christmas tree is. The house looks festive and inviting and green. It smells wonderful as well: the scent of an evergreen! I guess i am finally getting in the mood for christmas. It also helps that this weekend has been full of festive parties and performances. Last night for date night, we went to some friends' holiday gathering and this afternoon we went and saw a Christmas show at a mega church in Raleigh (yes, i am sooo biting my tongue about mega churches, the sort of freak me out, but that's another story...). It's nice fun to go out and see decorations and drink fancy drinks and listening to a show that only had one carol and the rest were mainstream christmas songs. It was a great performance, just the non hymn songs weren't my thing. in my opinion, the beauty of old hymns outstrips any secular song by far and I come to church to hear hymn, not michael buble. They to me define not only Christmas, but the entire Christian story- little gospel nutshells set to moving music.
It's nice to have Daniel home, too. Looking forward to all the celebrations in store this year!
It's nice to have Daniel home, too. Looking forward to all the celebrations in store this year!
Friday, December 9, 2011
day 10- productivity
Man, did i get a lot of stuff done today(and without caffeine!!). Baked, cooked, cleaned, wrapped presents, folded laundry, played fed washed a baby, shopped, created an advent wreath and other various sundry chores. When I get things done, I get 'em done, and quickly. I think work is often a forgotten component of waiting and anticipating. We aren't supposed to do nothing while we wait and hope- we are supposed to work under the light of anticipation and hope. Anticipation and Hope are supposed to give us perspective on our work and help us do it with the right attitude. Whatever we do, we do for the King, with the knowledge that He calls us to it. Yeah, I know, you might have picked up on me glorifying or idolizing work, and I will admit wrestling with the whole Mary versus Martha approach, and I know, I know, that quiet and rest and time to be is sooo important for God to come make space in our hearts, mind, spirits, and bodies, BUT, but! true religion is being the hands and feet of God, feeding the hungry, clothing the poor, giving solace, making space for others to come into his presence, that's what we will get in trouble for if we don't do it. There is work to be done in kingdom! Why else are there so many parables about workers in the field, masters leaving servants in charge, good stewardship of talents? Because, God designed us to do things! build, create, love, clean, build relationships, eat, run, walk, talk. And yes, we humans don't always do them rightly. we often do them with wrong motives or in destructive ways that hurt ourselves and each other.
BUT that's why I am looking forward to Christ's second coming and why advent is a time to remember and anticipate: God will right all those things we do and we will be able to more fully do them as God created us to do them when we enter into his new kingdom! We'll be environmentally friendly, sustainable, aesthetically pleasing builders, friendly, life giving community members able to love our bodies correctly and take the best care of them. At least, that is what I think will happen. What we do here on earth is a glimpse of what we will do in heaven where it will be greater and more glorious than what we can think or imagine! Alleluia! Let His kingdom reign!
BUT that's why I am looking forward to Christ's second coming and why advent is a time to remember and anticipate: God will right all those things we do and we will be able to more fully do them as God created us to do them when we enter into his new kingdom! We'll be environmentally friendly, sustainable, aesthetically pleasing builders, friendly, life giving community members able to love our bodies correctly and take the best care of them. At least, that is what I think will happen. What we do here on earth is a glimpse of what we will do in heaven where it will be greater and more glorious than what we can think or imagine! Alleluia! Let His kingdom reign!
Thursday, December 8, 2011
day 9- when it rains it pours
I am overwhelmed by the blessings God has poured on me since starting this project. I do not know what to say except Praise the Lord! His mercies abound! His joy and love are great! Seriously, God has done a number on my heart this past few days that I am in awe of Him and all that he does. Really all he did was land a great opportunity to do what I love (event planning, community building, possibly storytelling) in my lap and say: Go for it. Whoo-hoo. Motherhood, wifehood are great, but often times I have felt like a caged animal, pacing back and forth, waiting and wanting to get out and DO things. I almost will go so far to say that I have felt like I've been in detention learning patience and God's timing by resisting volunteering and not being involved with things (mostly, because there has been a lack of doors opening and many a door closing). I don't know what that says about me-half the things I do, I promptly forget I've done them and move on (which i have seen is a problem in an end of itself). Anyway, I am so excited at this chance to help out with a really great event (that seems to be a thread or puzzle piece I always end up doing. I seem to be led to things that require substantial discussions on equality, justice and service-and yes the event is about MLK and is on MLK day). Tickled pink is what I am. God is so great!
Today, at the women's bible study that i've attended all this fall, the speaker talked about sometimes God has to find us. We can't find him. We are stuck in some doldrums that we can't get out of and we have to wait for the Lord to come and find us. Gosh, isn't that where I feel I have been. Waiting and looking and wondering, where are you God? What are you doing? Why do I feel like you aren't using me? And then bam! he finally calls your number and you can't believe what he has to say to you.
What a great way to think of what happens in Advent. We wait and wait and wait. We don't know where to look. We don't know how to get ourselves out of the mess of our lives. We groan and suffer and are grumpy at waiting. Then, the Angels come. They invite us in to come and see a newborn baby. Our entire world then changes. The star shines brightly marking the path, light is in our hearts and mind and we feel like celebrating. The world resounds with proclamations of Joy and Peace and Love. Our hearts, minds, bodies, spirits are full. We cast out the dark night, that was without heat, hope, comfort. And we welcome Light so that gives life to everything! We can see that all things are made new and we enter in to a new time and place to worship the new King. Hallejuah and Glory to the Lamb that is to reign over all!
Makes for a good story. And it is our story. It happens over and over again if only I could remember to wait. to wait on the lord and to pray for Him to come.
Today, at the women's bible study that i've attended all this fall, the speaker talked about sometimes God has to find us. We can't find him. We are stuck in some doldrums that we can't get out of and we have to wait for the Lord to come and find us. Gosh, isn't that where I feel I have been. Waiting and looking and wondering, where are you God? What are you doing? Why do I feel like you aren't using me? And then bam! he finally calls your number and you can't believe what he has to say to you.
What a great way to think of what happens in Advent. We wait and wait and wait. We don't know where to look. We don't know how to get ourselves out of the mess of our lives. We groan and suffer and are grumpy at waiting. Then, the Angels come. They invite us in to come and see a newborn baby. Our entire world then changes. The star shines brightly marking the path, light is in our hearts and mind and we feel like celebrating. The world resounds with proclamations of Joy and Peace and Love. Our hearts, minds, bodies, spirits are full. We cast out the dark night, that was without heat, hope, comfort. And we welcome Light so that gives life to everything! We can see that all things are made new and we enter in to a new time and place to worship the new King. Hallejuah and Glory to the Lamb that is to reign over all!
Makes for a good story. And it is our story. It happens over and over again if only I could remember to wait. to wait on the lord and to pray for Him to come.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Day 8- parenthood
Wednesdays are the days I get three glorious hours to myself sans baby. Besides not knowing what to do with myself and trying to avoid coffee shops at all costs, these mornings will prove to be a time for me to find out how to have a life without being completely consumed with caring for and raising a child.
After drop-off, there is always this twang of “what am I doing? Leaving Evelyn to fend for herself at preschool!” it is hard to be parted from her and let others care for her, because of course, they can’t do as well as I can, (yes they can, and in someways no they can’t). I have to endure and steel myself when I experience these pangs of separation, I have to continually remind myself that it is alright, leave her there, she’ll be fine-- otherwise, I would go and check on her, pick her up, take her home and then want a break from her immediately. Aren’t we humans fickle? We want what we can’t have and then when we have it, want something else. I have no great biblical or spiritual insight to this, except maybe the musing that we humans desires a savior, a superhero to come and rescue us. And we got one, but sometimes I think we wonder if He is the savior we want. The first years of the christian life are maturing with lessons that teach us how to want the Savior we have. It is a process, to desire what he wants, not what we want. And often, by getting to know him, what we thought we wanted is unzippered and undone and reformed.
I think I am in the process of being unzippered. Everything that I had put in place in my life to lead a good little ole life has been undone with the pieces rearranged, reformed, and displaced. While I want them to all go back in place and be zippered into a nice orderly manner, I think they are going to stay in this place and that not-coming together, not forming a recognizable picture is what I have to learn to be okay with. The puzzle pieces of my life will stay scattered for a while and I am learning to not want them to come together, but to enjoy the journey of finding where they are and waiting for God to move and work.
Limbo is another way to describe where I feel I am. And I take comfort that most people don’t start their careers or life ministries until they are 30 and spend the few years after college wandering and trying this and that, developing much needed skills and maturity. I wondered what Jesus did in his 20’s besides go to wedding parties and hang out with his friends and family. Surely, he spent a lot of time in synagogues and the wood shop, but it also seems like maybe he just hung out, too, waiting for the puzzle pieces to come together.
I wonder what Mary felt as she waited to have Jesus. Did she feel like all the puzzles pieces of her life were being rearranged? Thought she would marry Joseph, then have a kid, but now life was happening in reverse. Then, there all those feelings about having a child. Having a child, and waiting to have a child are two interesting stages of motherhood. One you can't wait to have the child and anticipate and anticipate holding it in your arms. The other one, you vacillate between cuddling and enjoying the little being and then feeling overworked and tired and like your life is not your own anymore-you don't know who you are outside of being a mother. All your energy and time and love is given to the little one, you no longer know what you devoted yourself to, pre-child. I wonder if Mary knew that. I wonder what she felt as Jesus grew up, as she sent him to school, to work, to the world. I wonder if she knew what the puzzle pieces would be when they came together. I wonder if she ever saw the final picture they made.
After drop-off, there is always this twang of “what am I doing? Leaving Evelyn to fend for herself at preschool!” it is hard to be parted from her and let others care for her, because of course, they can’t do as well as I can, (yes they can, and in someways no they can’t). I have to endure and steel myself when I experience these pangs of separation, I have to continually remind myself that it is alright, leave her there, she’ll be fine-- otherwise, I would go and check on her, pick her up, take her home and then want a break from her immediately. Aren’t we humans fickle? We want what we can’t have and then when we have it, want something else. I have no great biblical or spiritual insight to this, except maybe the musing that we humans desires a savior, a superhero to come and rescue us. And we got one, but sometimes I think we wonder if He is the savior we want. The first years of the christian life are maturing with lessons that teach us how to want the Savior we have. It is a process, to desire what he wants, not what we want. And often, by getting to know him, what we thought we wanted is unzippered and undone and reformed.
I think I am in the process of being unzippered. Everything that I had put in place in my life to lead a good little ole life has been undone with the pieces rearranged, reformed, and displaced. While I want them to all go back in place and be zippered into a nice orderly manner, I think they are going to stay in this place and that not-coming together, not forming a recognizable picture is what I have to learn to be okay with. The puzzle pieces of my life will stay scattered for a while and I am learning to not want them to come together, but to enjoy the journey of finding where they are and waiting for God to move and work.
Limbo is another way to describe where I feel I am. And I take comfort that most people don’t start their careers or life ministries until they are 30 and spend the few years after college wandering and trying this and that, developing much needed skills and maturity. I wondered what Jesus did in his 20’s besides go to wedding parties and hang out with his friends and family. Surely, he spent a lot of time in synagogues and the wood shop, but it also seems like maybe he just hung out, too, waiting for the puzzle pieces to come together.
I wonder what Mary felt as she waited to have Jesus. Did she feel like all the puzzles pieces of her life were being rearranged? Thought she would marry Joseph, then have a kid, but now life was happening in reverse. Then, there all those feelings about having a child. Having a child, and waiting to have a child are two interesting stages of motherhood. One you can't wait to have the child and anticipate and anticipate holding it in your arms. The other one, you vacillate between cuddling and enjoying the little being and then feeling overworked and tired and like your life is not your own anymore-you don't know who you are outside of being a mother. All your energy and time and love is given to the little one, you no longer know what you devoted yourself to, pre-child. I wonder if Mary knew that. I wonder what she felt as Jesus grew up, as she sent him to school, to work, to the world. I wonder if she knew what the puzzle pieces would be when they came together. I wonder if she ever saw the final picture they made.
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Day 7- guilt, lethargy, renewal
Yesterday was awful. I felt tired and wimpy and had that weariness behind the eyes that you get when you haven't had coffee and are in need of some sort of jolt to rouse you. Not drinking coffee is so hard for me. I day dream about holding a nice warm cup, smelling the aroma of the ground beans, and taking those oh so delicious sips and letting the warm liquid flow down my throat. There is also that feeling of loss from not having a mug in my hand to hold. For whatever reason, holding a cup of coffee gives me a sense of purpose, something to do. I miss having that.
part of the reason I went on this whole fasting thing was because i felt so tired even with drinking coffee and thought something must be up with my body and the way i'm overdosing on caffeine (the overdosing being one to two cups a day). But it seems like with or without caffeine, I am still lethargic. Who knows from what-- waking up multiple times in the night whether or not baby is awake. Evelyn finally got her last tooth (she has 16 in all) and it use to be the case that she would wake up a couple times a night if she was teething. Who knows how much sleep i've had in the past two years. I know my brain has suffered a loss of memory and general computing skills (like for instance, today I thought it was Monday and i cannot do simple math anymore). Anyway, I've blamed coffee and wanted to detox, but now, maybe it is something else. Or maybe I should stop to figuring out what to blame and look for better solutions.
My solution today to fight tiredness was to go to the gym. After a great workout, I saw that my favorite new coffee shop was opened and it was too tempting not to stop in... and get a chai latte and a sour cream coffee cake muffin. oh the Guilt. Haven't felt Guilt Guilty in such a long time. But here I was in a coffee shop doing what I just avowed I would not do. Shame. Oh, those are emotions I try so hard not to experience in my everyday life. They totally ruined the treat. I couldn't really enjoy my latte or the muffin which disheartened me. I let Evelyn eat and drink most of them. Then I picked myself off the proverbial hall of shame, and gave myself some grace and understanding that hey, we all fail. That's what we humans do. And got on with my day. Grace. Grace for today and when we fail. That's what the baby jesus brought with him when he came on christmas morn. That we are more than the sum of our failures or successes in Him. He succeeds and that is sufficient for us. We can (and can't) do a very many things, but it doesn't really matter all that much unless Christ is there, too. OH power and weakness! You themes that will continue to teach us our own inadequacies and hearts desires. Strong as I was to run my miles, I was as weak to resist earthly bakery temptation.
But, God still is there to work in us. I had a rather productive, wonderful, blessed day. Evelyn and I played with our neighbors, I worked on various community projects, and overall, it was a great day. Isn't that the wonderfulness of grace? When we least deserve it, God comes in and gives us good gifts. Hallejuah!
part of the reason I went on this whole fasting thing was because i felt so tired even with drinking coffee and thought something must be up with my body and the way i'm overdosing on caffeine (the overdosing being one to two cups a day). But it seems like with or without caffeine, I am still lethargic. Who knows from what-- waking up multiple times in the night whether or not baby is awake. Evelyn finally got her last tooth (she has 16 in all) and it use to be the case that she would wake up a couple times a night if she was teething. Who knows how much sleep i've had in the past two years. I know my brain has suffered a loss of memory and general computing skills (like for instance, today I thought it was Monday and i cannot do simple math anymore). Anyway, I've blamed coffee and wanted to detox, but now, maybe it is something else. Or maybe I should stop to figuring out what to blame and look for better solutions.
My solution today to fight tiredness was to go to the gym. After a great workout, I saw that my favorite new coffee shop was opened and it was too tempting not to stop in... and get a chai latte and a sour cream coffee cake muffin. oh the Guilt. Haven't felt Guilt Guilty in such a long time. But here I was in a coffee shop doing what I just avowed I would not do. Shame. Oh, those are emotions I try so hard not to experience in my everyday life. They totally ruined the treat. I couldn't really enjoy my latte or the muffin which disheartened me. I let Evelyn eat and drink most of them. Then I picked myself off the proverbial hall of shame, and gave myself some grace and understanding that hey, we all fail. That's what we humans do. And got on with my day. Grace. Grace for today and when we fail. That's what the baby jesus brought with him when he came on christmas morn. That we are more than the sum of our failures or successes in Him. He succeeds and that is sufficient for us. We can (and can't) do a very many things, but it doesn't really matter all that much unless Christ is there, too. OH power and weakness! You themes that will continue to teach us our own inadequacies and hearts desires. Strong as I was to run my miles, I was as weak to resist earthly bakery temptation.
But, God still is there to work in us. I had a rather productive, wonderful, blessed day. Evelyn and I played with our neighbors, I worked on various community projects, and overall, it was a great day. Isn't that the wonderfulness of grace? When we least deserve it, God comes in and gives us good gifts. Hallejuah!
Monday, December 5, 2011
day 6- preparation
Last night at community group, we read passages of the bible that centered on themes of advent like new heavens and new earths, God's timing, and be comforted, the savior comes. psalm 85, peter 3, mark 1, isaiah 40 all contain the big idea of waiting for something yet to come, that will come on the Lord's schedule, not ours. The passages have that tension of patience and longing. Everything will be resolved soon, but not yet; wait a little longer, suffer a little longer, it will be so worth it if you do. Mark 1 and isaiah 40 have the famous john the baptist quote: "prepare ye the way of the lord" that handel put so magnificently to music in his "Messiah." These were fitting verses to discuss, considering that sunday's advent candle was the Candle of Preparation.
Preparation. Preparation for what? Preparation for all that God is doing, and will do, and has done. Christ came, Christ comes, Christ will come again. What work there is to do! The heavens and earth will burn up, so says 2 Peter! Yikes. The lord's word will never pass away. Do we treat His words as if they are the only things that will last forever, as things that matter the most? Mountains will be made low, valleys be made high. Is that part of the work we are to do? I see so much desolation in need of comfort. So many people hurt. There are lots of wrongs on every level of society that hurt and destroy. Repentance and right doing is needed is so many areas of the world and our lives. There is so much good and joy in the world to take hold of, if only people could. If only we could break cycles of poverty, if only we could end greed and ambition that promote war, sex trafficking, hopelessness, despair, disease. Isn't that why we believe in the gospel? That Jesus came down to right all the wrongs we experience in this human life, to end all evil? Do we need to be John the Baptists broadcasting repentance and forgiveness of sins? Probably. What work there is to do! Yet, it will be light (as opposed to the alternative). It's not a burden, so Jesus says. Prepare us, Lord, to do the work of your hands!
In trying to find out the names of the advent candles, I stumbled across the wikipedia page for Advent and read that Advent used to be a time of fasting and penitence. The eastern church starts a 40 day fast in mid november during the advent season. It seems that my coffee fast is not so novel after all- i am following a long line of saints who take the fast as far as to not dance! With the long list of christmas tunes on our playlist, dancing can't be helped this advent season, but I might need to look into fasting from the things i am using to replace coffee: hot chocolate, chai lattes, macaroons, food in general. How easy is it to get off track and find substitutes. I need get back and focus on the original purpose: to prepare my heart for christmas by entering into a time of anticipation and waiting. If i fulfill my yearnings and desires with sweets and other means that instantly gratify, how am i really fleshing out this anticipation experiment to its full potential?
so lets add no more sweets, no snacks when i have an urge to drink coffee to the ordeal. Have to look forward, not to the present moment. I need to practice looking forward. I need to look forward to Christmas, to Christ, to his second coming. Prepare ye the way of the Lord. Prepare my heart and mind for all that is to come!
Oh, what will i do instead of going to coffee shops? How will Evelyn and I ever get out of the house?
Preparation. Preparation for what? Preparation for all that God is doing, and will do, and has done. Christ came, Christ comes, Christ will come again. What work there is to do! The heavens and earth will burn up, so says 2 Peter! Yikes. The lord's word will never pass away. Do we treat His words as if they are the only things that will last forever, as things that matter the most? Mountains will be made low, valleys be made high. Is that part of the work we are to do? I see so much desolation in need of comfort. So many people hurt. There are lots of wrongs on every level of society that hurt and destroy. Repentance and right doing is needed is so many areas of the world and our lives. There is so much good and joy in the world to take hold of, if only people could. If only we could break cycles of poverty, if only we could end greed and ambition that promote war, sex trafficking, hopelessness, despair, disease. Isn't that why we believe in the gospel? That Jesus came down to right all the wrongs we experience in this human life, to end all evil? Do we need to be John the Baptists broadcasting repentance and forgiveness of sins? Probably. What work there is to do! Yet, it will be light (as opposed to the alternative). It's not a burden, so Jesus says. Prepare us, Lord, to do the work of your hands!
In trying to find out the names of the advent candles, I stumbled across the wikipedia page for Advent and read that Advent used to be a time of fasting and penitence. The eastern church starts a 40 day fast in mid november during the advent season. It seems that my coffee fast is not so novel after all- i am following a long line of saints who take the fast as far as to not dance! With the long list of christmas tunes on our playlist, dancing can't be helped this advent season, but I might need to look into fasting from the things i am using to replace coffee: hot chocolate, chai lattes, macaroons, food in general. How easy is it to get off track and find substitutes. I need get back and focus on the original purpose: to prepare my heart for christmas by entering into a time of anticipation and waiting. If i fulfill my yearnings and desires with sweets and other means that instantly gratify, how am i really fleshing out this anticipation experiment to its full potential?
so lets add no more sweets, no snacks when i have an urge to drink coffee to the ordeal. Have to look forward, not to the present moment. I need to practice looking forward. I need to look forward to Christmas, to Christ, to his second coming. Prepare ye the way of the Lord. Prepare my heart and mind for all that is to come!
Oh, what will i do instead of going to coffee shops? How will Evelyn and I ever get out of the house?
Sunday, December 4, 2011
day 5- feist's version lo, how a rose e'er blooming
Lo, how a Rose e'er blooming
from tender stem hath sprung!
of Jesse's lineage coming,
as those of old have sung.
It came, a floweret bright,
amid the cold of winter,
when half spent was the night.
Isaiah 'twas foretold it,
the Rose I have in mind;
with Mary we behold it,
the Virgin Mother kind.
To show God's love aright,
she bore to us a Savior,
when half spent was the night.
The shepherds heard the story
proclaimed by angels bright,
how Christ, the Lord of glory
was born on earth this night.
To Bethlehem they sped
and in the manger they found him,
as angel heralds said.
This Flower, whose fragrance tender
with sweetness fills the air,
dispels with glorious splendor
the darkness everywhere;
true man, yet very God,
from sin and death he saves us,
and lightens every load.
from tender stem hath sprung!
of Jesse's lineage coming,
as those of old have sung.
It came, a floweret bright,
amid the cold of winter,
when half spent was the night.
Isaiah 'twas foretold it,
the Rose I have in mind;
with Mary we behold it,
the Virgin Mother kind.
To show God's love aright,
she bore to us a Savior,
when half spent was the night.
The shepherds heard the story
proclaimed by angels bright,
how Christ, the Lord of glory
was born on earth this night.
To Bethlehem they sped
and in the manger they found him,
as angel heralds said.
This Flower, whose fragrance tender
with sweetness fills the air,
dispels with glorious splendor
the darkness everywhere;
true man, yet very God,
from sin and death he saves us,
and lightens every load.
Saturday, December 3, 2011
Day 4- headaches stimulants downfalls
coffee psycho active drug stimulant
headache no sleep from being a mom or no caffeine?
third year of college cappuccinos in france six months later hubris.... first months of marriage, coffee, no water, hubris
silent space, darkness, light, what do we fill those spaces with to forget those spaces? do we make room for them?
coffee, bane, kick the habit, use something else instead or figure out what i use coffee to fill. what space does coffee fill for me? prayer?
also, will gain weight sans coffee... because i eat more when i don't have coffee. i think.
coffee a drug. can also be a safety blanket... don't know why, but it is. something i attach myself to. makes me feel better? a comfort? love it? like a person? oh dear. i have coffee issues.
headache no sleep from being a mom or no caffeine?
third year of college cappuccinos in france six months later hubris.... first months of marriage, coffee, no water, hubris
silent space, darkness, light, what do we fill those spaces with to forget those spaces? do we make room for them?
coffee, bane, kick the habit, use something else instead or figure out what i use coffee to fill. what space does coffee fill for me? prayer?
also, will gain weight sans coffee... because i eat more when i don't have coffee. i think.
coffee a drug. can also be a safety blanket... don't know why, but it is. something i attach myself to. makes me feel better? a comfort? love it? like a person? oh dear. i have coffee issues.
Friday, December 2, 2011
Day 3 -- I'll take care of you
i know you've been hurt by someone else i could tell by the way you carry yourself
if you let me here's what i'll do, i'll take care of you
i've loved and i've lost
advent no coffee writing projects bad writing need practice discipline
i've loved and i've lost justice judgement mercy suffering
babies motherhood joy
you won't ever have to worry you won't ever have to hide i'll be beside you to dry your weary eyes
so darling tell me that you'll be true there's no doubt in my mind know what i want to do
twilight breaking dawn story junkie soundtrack on repeat
cry when singing hymns o come all ye faithful
don't tell me that i don't care if you hurt
i don't tell you you don't care if you're true
I think words sometimes articulate my thoughts better than sentences. Above are my thoughts interspersed with lyrics from "take care" a song currently being covered by Drake and Rihanna. Let's see if you got the gist of my reflection, here's those words fleshed out.
i am not drinking coffee during advent- need to cleanse my system and enjoy coffee once again. i know this is a lenten season thing to do, but I think it will help me prepare for christmas, which is what advent is all about: anticipation, longing, waiting, yearning. I hope to explore those feelings with the help of a coffee withdrawal, because to be honest, I don't really get into the christmas season anymore. i am not excited about it -on any level. maybe it is because i haven't established any traditions or because i am not a crazy decorator or something of the like, but christmas is something i feel like i have to do rather than it being an expression of something inside me. so i am giving up coffee in hopes to catch some christmas spirit.
since i am a stay at home mom, i don't have much to do, work wise. so i am creating work for myself by giving myself writing projects to complete. hence a new blog to write about not drinking coffee during advent. welcome to my bad writing. i need practice, discipline, and to work work work, because my writing recently has been awful. decent writing is hard to come by for me these days so i am going to try to fix that.
obsessed with this song "i'll take care of you" or "take care." it's soulful, sorrowful, beautiful. it's been in my head, so now it is in my writing. i think when i get better at writing i can make the connections between the lyrics and some key sentiments i find in the christian gospel... or maybe they are so obvious you can see them for yourself. i think the line i've loved and i've lost is so pregnant with emotion and meaning- oh to get to the depths of that! that would be a feat for me.
This past sunday we had a good discussion on judgement, God's mercy, justice, and suffering. There's a lot packed into those words that maybe i'll get out one day, but for the meantime there are things i am reflecting on-- since i don't have coffee to enjoy.
i guess i also have some thoughts on the joy found in motherhood-and it's a different joy that I expected. hopefully, more on that later.
right now I am obsessed with the soundtrack to breaking dawn and with the story itself. i guess there are a lot of twilight haters out there and i had no idea that people disliked it so. I think it's a great, admittedly crazy, story with lots of good themes and ideas to ponder on. Really want to go see the movie again for a second time. since i spend so much time pondering stories like twilight, I realize i am none other than a story junkie: percy jackson, harry potter, most kids fantasy lit and decent adult lit, i'll read 'em over and over. I love the highs and lows and denouements and character developments and oh everything! i'm addicted to a good story.
also, whenever i am in a sacred place- like church, i tend to cry. especially at hymns that i think so beautifully and succinctly tell the gospel. we sang o come, all ye faithful at bible study today, and i had to wipe tears, hoping no one noticed. i guess the meaning and connotations of " faithful" got me. or maybe the idea of being called " to come". i guess i think about all the stories of the faithful, and what they had to do to be faithful, amidst adversary, and pow. i am struck at the idea of them coming to a place, joyful and triumphant. it's a powerful image for me. and so i cry.
last thought: god cares if we are hurt. he knows we've been hurt. he also knows how to take care of us. think about that.
if you let me here's what i'll do, i'll take care of you
i've loved and i've lost
advent no coffee writing projects bad writing need practice discipline
i've loved and i've lost justice judgement mercy suffering
babies motherhood joy
you won't ever have to worry you won't ever have to hide i'll be beside you to dry your weary eyes
so darling tell me that you'll be true there's no doubt in my mind know what i want to do
twilight breaking dawn story junkie soundtrack on repeat
cry when singing hymns o come all ye faithful
don't tell me that i don't care if you hurt
i don't tell you you don't care if you're true
I think words sometimes articulate my thoughts better than sentences. Above are my thoughts interspersed with lyrics from "take care" a song currently being covered by Drake and Rihanna. Let's see if you got the gist of my reflection, here's those words fleshed out.
i am not drinking coffee during advent- need to cleanse my system and enjoy coffee once again. i know this is a lenten season thing to do, but I think it will help me prepare for christmas, which is what advent is all about: anticipation, longing, waiting, yearning. I hope to explore those feelings with the help of a coffee withdrawal, because to be honest, I don't really get into the christmas season anymore. i am not excited about it -on any level. maybe it is because i haven't established any traditions or because i am not a crazy decorator or something of the like, but christmas is something i feel like i have to do rather than it being an expression of something inside me. so i am giving up coffee in hopes to catch some christmas spirit.
since i am a stay at home mom, i don't have much to do, work wise. so i am creating work for myself by giving myself writing projects to complete. hence a new blog to write about not drinking coffee during advent. welcome to my bad writing. i need practice, discipline, and to work work work, because my writing recently has been awful. decent writing is hard to come by for me these days so i am going to try to fix that.
obsessed with this song "i'll take care of you" or "take care." it's soulful, sorrowful, beautiful. it's been in my head, so now it is in my writing. i think when i get better at writing i can make the connections between the lyrics and some key sentiments i find in the christian gospel... or maybe they are so obvious you can see them for yourself. i think the line i've loved and i've lost is so pregnant with emotion and meaning- oh to get to the depths of that! that would be a feat for me.
This past sunday we had a good discussion on judgement, God's mercy, justice, and suffering. There's a lot packed into those words that maybe i'll get out one day, but for the meantime there are things i am reflecting on-- since i don't have coffee to enjoy.
i guess i also have some thoughts on the joy found in motherhood-and it's a different joy that I expected. hopefully, more on that later.
right now I am obsessed with the soundtrack to breaking dawn and with the story itself. i guess there are a lot of twilight haters out there and i had no idea that people disliked it so. I think it's a great, admittedly crazy, story with lots of good themes and ideas to ponder on. Really want to go see the movie again for a second time. since i spend so much time pondering stories like twilight, I realize i am none other than a story junkie: percy jackson, harry potter, most kids fantasy lit and decent adult lit, i'll read 'em over and over. I love the highs and lows and denouements and character developments and oh everything! i'm addicted to a good story.
also, whenever i am in a sacred place- like church, i tend to cry. especially at hymns that i think so beautifully and succinctly tell the gospel. we sang o come, all ye faithful at bible study today, and i had to wipe tears, hoping no one noticed. i guess the meaning and connotations of " faithful" got me. or maybe the idea of being called " to come". i guess i think about all the stories of the faithful, and what they had to do to be faithful, amidst adversary, and pow. i am struck at the idea of them coming to a place, joyful and triumphant. it's a powerful image for me. and so i cry.
last thought: god cares if we are hurt. he knows we've been hurt. he also knows how to take care of us. think about that.
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