Wednesdays are the days I get three glorious hours to myself sans baby. Besides not knowing what to do with myself and trying to avoid coffee shops at all costs, these mornings will prove to be a time for me to find out how to have a life without being completely consumed with caring for and raising a child.
After drop-off, there is always this twang of “what am I doing? Leaving Evelyn to fend for herself at preschool!” it is hard to be parted from her and let others care for her, because of course, they can’t do as well as I can, (yes they can, and in someways no they can’t). I have to endure and steel myself when I experience these pangs of separation, I have to continually remind myself that it is alright, leave her there, she’ll be fine-- otherwise, I would go and check on her, pick her up, take her home and then want a break from her immediately. Aren’t we humans fickle? We want what we can’t have and then when we have it, want something else. I have no great biblical or spiritual insight to this, except maybe the musing that we humans desires a savior, a superhero to come and rescue us. And we got one, but sometimes I think we wonder if He is the savior we want. The first years of the christian life are maturing with lessons that teach us how to want the Savior we have. It is a process, to desire what he wants, not what we want. And often, by getting to know him, what we thought we wanted is unzippered and undone and reformed.
I think I am in the process of being unzippered. Everything that I had put in place in my life to lead a good little ole life has been undone with the pieces rearranged, reformed, and displaced. While I want them to all go back in place and be zippered into a nice orderly manner, I think they are going to stay in this place and that not-coming together, not forming a recognizable picture is what I have to learn to be okay with. The puzzle pieces of my life will stay scattered for a while and I am learning to not want them to come together, but to enjoy the journey of finding where they are and waiting for God to move and work.
Limbo is another way to describe where I feel I am. And I take comfort that most people don’t start their careers or life ministries until they are 30 and spend the few years after college wandering and trying this and that, developing much needed skills and maturity. I wondered what Jesus did in his 20’s besides go to wedding parties and hang out with his friends and family. Surely, he spent a lot of time in synagogues and the wood shop, but it also seems like maybe he just hung out, too, waiting for the puzzle pieces to come together.
I wonder what Mary felt as she waited to have Jesus. Did she feel like all the puzzles pieces of her life were being rearranged? Thought she would marry Joseph, then have a kid, but now life was happening in reverse. Then, there all those feelings about having a child. Having a child, and waiting to have a child are two interesting stages of motherhood. One you can't wait to have the child and anticipate and anticipate holding it in your arms. The other one, you vacillate between cuddling and enjoying the little being and then feeling overworked and tired and like your life is not your own anymore-you don't know who you are outside of being a mother. All your energy and time and love is given to the little one, you no longer know what you devoted yourself to, pre-child. I wonder if Mary knew that. I wonder what she felt as Jesus grew up, as she sent him to school, to work, to the world. I wonder if she knew what the puzzle pieces would be when they came together. I wonder if she ever saw the final picture they made.
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