Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Day 7- guilt, lethargy, renewal

Yesterday was awful. I felt tired and wimpy and had that weariness behind the eyes that you get when you haven't had coffee and are in need of some sort of jolt to rouse you.  Not drinking coffee is so hard for me. I day dream about holding a nice warm cup, smelling the aroma of the ground beans, and taking those oh so delicious sips and letting the warm liquid flow down my throat.  There is also that feeling of loss from not having a mug in my hand to hold. For whatever reason, holding a cup of coffee gives me a sense of purpose, something to do.  I miss having that.

part of the reason I went on this whole fasting thing was because i felt so tired even with drinking coffee and thought something must be up with my body and the way i'm overdosing on caffeine (the overdosing being one to two cups a day). But it seems like with or without caffeine, I am still lethargic.  Who knows from what-- waking up multiple times in the night whether or not baby is awake.  Evelyn finally got her last tooth (she has 16 in all) and it use to be the case that she would wake up a couple times a night if she was teething.  Who knows how much sleep i've had in the past two years. I know my brain has suffered a loss of memory and general computing skills (like for instance, today I thought it was Monday and i cannot do simple math anymore). Anyway, I've blamed coffee and wanted to detox, but now, maybe it is something else. Or maybe I should stop to figuring out what to blame and look for better solutions.

My solution today to fight tiredness was to go to the gym. After a great workout, I saw that my favorite new coffee shop was opened and it was too tempting not to stop in... and get a chai latte and a sour cream coffee cake muffin. oh the Guilt. Haven't felt Guilt Guilty in such a long time. But here I was in a coffee shop doing what I just avowed I would not do. Shame.  Oh, those are emotions I try so hard not to experience in my everyday life.  They totally ruined the treat. I couldn't really enjoy my latte or the muffin which disheartened me.  I let Evelyn eat and drink most of them. Then I picked myself off the proverbial hall of shame, and gave myself some grace and understanding that hey, we all fail. That's what we humans do. And got on with my day.  Grace. Grace for today and when we fail. That's what the baby jesus brought with him when he came on christmas morn. That we are more than the sum of our failures or successes in Him.  He succeeds and that is sufficient for us. We can (and can't) do a very many things, but it doesn't really matter all that much unless Christ is there, too. OH power and weakness! You themes that will continue to teach us our own inadequacies and hearts desires. Strong as I was to run my miles, I was as weak  to resist earthly bakery temptation.

But, God still is there to work in us. I had a rather productive, wonderful, blessed day. Evelyn and I played with our neighbors, I worked on various community projects, and overall, it was a great day. Isn't that the wonderfulness of grace? When we least deserve it, God comes in and gives us good gifts. Hallejuah!

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