We are in the midst of the babymoon- the time I call right after birth where we live in a little bubble of peace and tranquility as we adjust to having a new one around. Evelyn's babymoon was such a restful, peaceful, and joyful time as we watched her eat, sleep, and poop with family around us, not much to do during the day, but rest and get acquainted with our new little one. The same thing is happening with Charles. Parents are in town to help with Evelyn. Every morning starts out with family cuddle time in our bed and we fall deeper and deeper in love with new baby Charles and our little family. I love this time. I crave this time. I guard this time as a restful and peaceful time. I protect this time for our family.
As I realize this and cherish it and store it away to ponder in my heart, I realize what I really am desiring is peace. I need peace. I need this time to be peaceful and so I strive to make it happen. I am a person of peace, someone who strives for it and wishes it to be in every area of my life. That is a lofty wish because conflict abounds everywhere (and I am awful about conflict), but at home, with my family, I do have to ability to make it a place of peace. And so I do go after it.
And what exactly is peace? To me, it's the rhythm and routine of the day that allows for work and rest and full enjoyment of those around me. It's space to do all that needs to get done without anxiety or rushing about or stress. It's a everything in its place and having a place for everything. It's being prepared for the unexpected and grace for the bumps and bruises along the way. It's calm strength. It's a good attitude. It's the strong, quiet joy of God's love emanating from deep within. It's gratitude and grace. It's a form of love.
I am not sure why I grasp tightly these images of peace, but I know that I need them. I know that I can't always live its bubble, even though I want to, but i will make the most of the time i have in it. I know that the valleys of the shadow of death will come, but the memories of green pastures where my soul is restored will remind me. Remind me that the Lord God is a God of Love and peace and rest. And I can rest in Him, love and be loved to the glory of His name. Amen.
Friday, October 5, 2012
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Wait, wait, waiting
So I've been in "labor" for about two weeks. Not active labor, though at times I thought, finally! But the early, latent, let's get to 4 cm and make life uncomfortable labor. Half of me think my body shuts down labor because how it reacts to pain. Or I am just that good at my relaxation exercises. And, oh my, the emotional rollercoasters these 'faux' Braxton Hicks, latent whatever you want to call it labor contractions have sent me on! I am *trying* to have a better attitude about pregnancy, but it's pretty much the worse thing that has ever happened to me and yeah yeah I get a baby, but the toil, the work, the agony, the intense suffering I go through to get that baby. I could do without the experience. Not to say that I don't love the child I have (who is the most fun thing on the planet, the biggest joy and comedian ever) or I won't love this one (the tease who will probably be just as precocious and fun loving as his sister), I'm just saying, I don't need to ever be pregnant again. Ever. Unless there's divine intervention and God wants to torture me another 10 months because of my character flaws or to show me an ironic twist of grace like some Flannery O'Connor story. Yeah, I am failing at that good attitude about pregnancy. It's thrown me for a loop and I am not sure I'll ever wrap my head around it or understand how it's allowed to exist. Okay, I'll stop. This post was supposed to be about failure.
My darling husband, DH, is reading a book about some guy who likes to be different and argues for a 4 hour work week. Daniel likes to read out loud a passage every once in awhile about some crazy venture or thought this guy has. One of the passages he read was about dealing with failure. It went something along the lines of 'somebody's success can be directly correlated to amount of uncomfortable conversations they are willing to have' or basically, how willing a person is able to face their fears and what they are afraid of failing at. It has lead to some great food for thought. Because, though I would consider myself somewhat of a fearless person, willing to put myself out there, and push myself out of my comfort zones, I also have really deep fears of failure and fear of other rather silly things (like uncomfortable conversations with people- cannot cannot have negative conversations with people, it's sooo awful!).
Currently, I am enrolled in two grad classes in order to do a teacher license recert. One class plays to my strength and the other plays to my fears (like most of the classes I took in college- oh i enjoy the difficult paths of life). A bad grade on one of my homework assignments sent me down the trail of feeling like a failure and all my insecurities and what have you about my 'intelligence' (okay to be specific, my geospatial reasoning that boys are way better at than girls) came tumbling back. Then Daniel hits me with this quote and I realize, well, what do I realize? That it's okay to a vulnerable girl in a class and field dominated by men and to not know everything already (hence the point of the class????). I do really enjoy math, but i have never ever thought i was good at it. I mean I can get by. But never ever will I ever be able to get a masters or a phd or anything of that ilk because... well, it's hard. My brain doesn't naturally think in n-space and I am insecure about what I do know. It's the typical research study showing why girls aren't in more math and science fields (because supposedly boys don't have insecurities about asking questions and understanding what they know, but girls do). I have a huge fear of failing math, but I am unwilling to face my fear and ask the questions I need to in order to gain the knowledge and understanding I need, and so I fail... It's like the cycle of poverty. And somehow facing that fear and knowing that fear, I can slowly overcome it and be what the heck what if I sound like a ditz. Who cares (besides me!)? So what if I am not the smartest in the class anymore. What do I need to protect? My ego?
Oh, it's awful this overcoming inborn tendency to protect and preserve inner positive thoughts about one's abilities. But okay. And yes, I am sure there is a spiritual application in here somewhere. A lesson in learning humility? Fear as a sin that prevents us from doing what we need to do? A lesson in being bold and courageous like Joshua? Because there are problems out there in the world that need bold people being the hands and feet of Jesus, not fearing our inevitable failures to love our neighbors and God, but doing it just the same? Sure. It's not that hard to extrapolate. Because, you know what happens when you face yours fears or failures? You somehow enjoy life, enjoy God and his gifts more. At least, I do. I enjoy math more when I overcome any wrong answers and understand more concepts that are crazy, wondrous, and reflective of a bigger mind than my own. And that makes me filled- with a love of a God who knows all things, loves all things, is all things. It's a cool world out there, if only we put ourselves out there!
My darling husband, DH, is reading a book about some guy who likes to be different and argues for a 4 hour work week. Daniel likes to read out loud a passage every once in awhile about some crazy venture or thought this guy has. One of the passages he read was about dealing with failure. It went something along the lines of 'somebody's success can be directly correlated to amount of uncomfortable conversations they are willing to have' or basically, how willing a person is able to face their fears and what they are afraid of failing at. It has lead to some great food for thought. Because, though I would consider myself somewhat of a fearless person, willing to put myself out there, and push myself out of my comfort zones, I also have really deep fears of failure and fear of other rather silly things (like uncomfortable conversations with people- cannot cannot have negative conversations with people, it's sooo awful!).
Currently, I am enrolled in two grad classes in order to do a teacher license recert. One class plays to my strength and the other plays to my fears (like most of the classes I took in college- oh i enjoy the difficult paths of life). A bad grade on one of my homework assignments sent me down the trail of feeling like a failure and all my insecurities and what have you about my 'intelligence' (okay to be specific, my geospatial reasoning that boys are way better at than girls) came tumbling back. Then Daniel hits me with this quote and I realize, well, what do I realize? That it's okay to a vulnerable girl in a class and field dominated by men and to not know everything already (hence the point of the class????). I do really enjoy math, but i have never ever thought i was good at it. I mean I can get by. But never ever will I ever be able to get a masters or a phd or anything of that ilk because... well, it's hard. My brain doesn't naturally think in n-space and I am insecure about what I do know. It's the typical research study showing why girls aren't in more math and science fields (because supposedly boys don't have insecurities about asking questions and understanding what they know, but girls do). I have a huge fear of failing math, but I am unwilling to face my fear and ask the questions I need to in order to gain the knowledge and understanding I need, and so I fail... It's like the cycle of poverty. And somehow facing that fear and knowing that fear, I can slowly overcome it and be what the heck what if I sound like a ditz. Who cares (besides me!)? So what if I am not the smartest in the class anymore. What do I need to protect? My ego?
Oh, it's awful this overcoming inborn tendency to protect and preserve inner positive thoughts about one's abilities. But okay. And yes, I am sure there is a spiritual application in here somewhere. A lesson in learning humility? Fear as a sin that prevents us from doing what we need to do? A lesson in being bold and courageous like Joshua? Because there are problems out there in the world that need bold people being the hands and feet of Jesus, not fearing our inevitable failures to love our neighbors and God, but doing it just the same? Sure. It's not that hard to extrapolate. Because, you know what happens when you face yours fears or failures? You somehow enjoy life, enjoy God and his gifts more. At least, I do. I enjoy math more when I overcome any wrong answers and understand more concepts that are crazy, wondrous, and reflective of a bigger mind than my own. And that makes me filled- with a love of a God who knows all things, loves all things, is all things. It's a cool world out there, if only we put ourselves out there!
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Written four years ago- during or right after grad school
A broken glass
Yet again, the dishes stacked up around the sink. Yet again, while cleaning the cereal bowls, food encrusted plates, and coffee mugs , I broke a glass. It was the second time within a week. I wasn't so annoyed or bothered as I could have been. I accepted the fact that my clumsy and sometimes careless self has a knack for hitting the counter at the wrong time and maybe even has a propensity for watching dishes fall to the floor. And I thought I could use the accident to let off some steam about how, though, yet again, I am the one who is washing other people's dishes. Maybe a thought or two crept in that said serves them right if I broke one of their glasses that they left for someone else to clean. But as I picked up the little bits and pieces of glass, I started thinking on a much more deeper, profound, redemptive level.
A broken glass is a great a metaphor for brokenness in our lives. Be it a broken relationship, an area of sin, or some conflict that wears heavy on the soul. Brokenness happens and shatters us, whether it is our fault or others or a result of the corrupted world we live in. How we react and what we do with the broken pieces, speaks to our faith in Christ. Do we understand what to do with broken glass, with a broken life? As I picked up the pieces, I fought the desire to just leave the glass shards on the floor. It's annoying to get out the broom or the wet dish towels to get all the little slivers from the cracks and crevices on our brick floor ( yes, we have a brick kitchen floor).
God has shown me a bit about how to react to brokenness. In sum, God picks us up and equips us as a people to deal with broken glass. He does not leave shards on the floor, nor should we.
Once, when I dropped a can of tomato sauce, I said to myself sarcastically, " Oh, what joy having children will be." Images of all sorts of spills and disgusting things I'd have to clean as a mother ran through my brain. In my imagination, there was a little person with big eyes watching my every move. Would I have a good attitude when I bent down to wipe it all up? Would I be thorough or cut corners like I wanted to? Would I scar the kid with sarcasm and anger and criticalness, just because I had had a bad day and the last thing I had wanted to do was to clean up something else?
I noted to myself in the midst of this daydream, 'you still need to grow up, Sarah,' as I forced myself to get every corner and sticky spot. I could not leave what I had spilled for my roommates to deal with and my parents were no where within the vicinity to encourage strains of spoiled brat dependency by doing it for me. My natural lazy tendency is to do a half-hearted job. It's a discipline for me to take care of my own messes. And through that discipline comes a reward of doing a job well.
That story is to say I think that is how we need to deal with messes in our lives. We have to come before God and ask him to clean every sticky corner and dirty crevice. With patience and diligence and God's help must we bring before Him these messes so that they are cleaned up. We accept responsibility for them, even if it's inconvenient, and do not leave them to grow mold and aqcuire other yuckiness.
Once reaction is to be grumpy about wiping up the red liquid mess from the floor (and where ever else it had splattered). As I work with kids, I am hyper-aware of how I react to situations and I even analyze those reactions. Everything an adult does, kids absorb like sponges; so little is lost on them. Because of this fact, I often rationalize everything I do in order to turn every moment of life into a teachable moment should it be necessary. So what would I teach a kid who saw me clean up tomato sauce grumbling to myself? Hmm, not things they would be allowed to mimic. They would be immediately reprimanded if they had a bad attitude about it.
Not to say I had a good attitude today with the glass, but I recovered quicker. I think part of growing up is learning to exhibit a certain patience and knowledge that I am the person to take care of the mess and it is my responsibility to do so with out begrudging it. It's not that big of a deal and I shouldn't throw a fit. So deja-vuing, I carefully bent down to pick up all the shards of this glass I broke this Saturday morning. Remembering is dangerous, once you start it snowballs. I then began to think to all the times I have broken things in my life, be it abstract or relational or myself, as a result of my own volition and sinful nature.
I thought to the many times I refused to pick up the shards of broken events. The times I refused to accept or acknowledge responsibilities and consequences of my sins and actions. A few of these times have stuck in my head. Times I broke a glass in my life and did not clean it up but left the slivers and shavings of glass on the floor. They stuck in my heart in deep places embedded themselves in with hurt and pain and wretchedness. I could get specific and probably name almost all the pieces of glass I've left there in my heart. It's only through the last couple years, when God's brought me through certain circumstances, has He removed them one by one, placed them before me, and thrown them out. It's been a slow, painful process. I feel like glass re-wounds as it is pulled out. Sometimes it takes awhile to heal properly. Muscles and tendons have to reorder themselves around the shards and they have to reorient to their intended places. There's a process to healing and after healing, there's still scar tissue to suffer.
So, as I picked up the broken glass and swept all the little bits in the dust pan, I asked myself why. What was so hard about cleaning up the broken pieces when they happened? Why haven't I dealt with my sins immediately? Wouldn't that be easier in the long run? Was it because I can have a begrudging attitude? These questions left me pondering.
By leaving brokenness on the floor of my heart, I most certainly left them there to penetrate more deeply and harmfully than I could have known. Also, those shards I refused to deal with hurt others. Why did I refuse to clean them up? By cleaning up, I imply repentance and turning to God to ask Him for grace. Why didn't I trust Him to right the situation, for the power of forgiving and being forgiving? (In the long run, I have, since they've been cleaned up, some of them at least). I am not sure why I ran away from brokenness. Lack of maturity is one reason. Maybe I didn't want to admit I messed up? Maybe I was in shock? Maybe I was still lost and didn't really truly grasp salvation? Human nature? Sin?
As I made sure I had gotten all of the broken pieces off my kitchen floor, I thought to the miraculous process it has been removing all the pieces of glass in my life. God confronted me in a lot of areas and forced me to see and acknowledge all the pieces that were ripping me up and destroying different parts of my heart and maybe my life in recent years. Am I the lost coin? Hopefully!
In the end, what I've learned is that I don't have to have a resentful attitude while repairing or dealing with the brokenness. I am hopeful and see the good in the process of "cleaning up." It is good to know God and to know that is what God does: repairs the brokenhearted. All things are for His glory. He is here to pick up our shattered pieces of iniquity and work with us to make us whole again. In fact, He probably takes us through such broken times in order to teach us more of His ways. So we will able to more fully know His love and and be able to embrace the life He has for us--broken glasses and all. Let's hope we have good attitudes about that!
Yet again, the dishes stacked up around the sink. Yet again, while cleaning the cereal bowls, food encrusted plates, and coffee mugs , I broke a glass. It was the second time within a week. I wasn't so annoyed or bothered as I could have been. I accepted the fact that my clumsy and sometimes careless self has a knack for hitting the counter at the wrong time and maybe even has a propensity for watching dishes fall to the floor. And I thought I could use the accident to let off some steam about how, though, yet again, I am the one who is washing other people's dishes. Maybe a thought or two crept in that said serves them right if I broke one of their glasses that they left for someone else to clean. But as I picked up the little bits and pieces of glass, I started thinking on a much more deeper, profound, redemptive level.
A broken glass is a great a metaphor for brokenness in our lives. Be it a broken relationship, an area of sin, or some conflict that wears heavy on the soul. Brokenness happens and shatters us, whether it is our fault or others or a result of the corrupted world we live in. How we react and what we do with the broken pieces, speaks to our faith in Christ. Do we understand what to do with broken glass, with a broken life? As I picked up the pieces, I fought the desire to just leave the glass shards on the floor. It's annoying to get out the broom or the wet dish towels to get all the little slivers from the cracks and crevices on our brick floor ( yes, we have a brick kitchen floor).
God has shown me a bit about how to react to brokenness. In sum, God picks us up and equips us as a people to deal with broken glass. He does not leave shards on the floor, nor should we.
Once, when I dropped a can of tomato sauce, I said to myself sarcastically, " Oh, what joy having children will be." Images of all sorts of spills and disgusting things I'd have to clean as a mother ran through my brain. In my imagination, there was a little person with big eyes watching my every move. Would I have a good attitude when I bent down to wipe it all up? Would I be thorough or cut corners like I wanted to? Would I scar the kid with sarcasm and anger and criticalness, just because I had had a bad day and the last thing I had wanted to do was to clean up something else?
I noted to myself in the midst of this daydream, 'you still need to grow up, Sarah,' as I forced myself to get every corner and sticky spot. I could not leave what I had spilled for my roommates to deal with and my parents were no where within the vicinity to encourage strains of spoiled brat dependency by doing it for me. My natural lazy tendency is to do a half-hearted job. It's a discipline for me to take care of my own messes. And through that discipline comes a reward of doing a job well.
That story is to say I think that is how we need to deal with messes in our lives. We have to come before God and ask him to clean every sticky corner and dirty crevice. With patience and diligence and God's help must we bring before Him these messes so that they are cleaned up. We accept responsibility for them, even if it's inconvenient, and do not leave them to grow mold and aqcuire other yuckiness.
Once reaction is to be grumpy about wiping up the red liquid mess from the floor (and where ever else it had splattered). As I work with kids, I am hyper-aware of how I react to situations and I even analyze those reactions. Everything an adult does, kids absorb like sponges; so little is lost on them. Because of this fact, I often rationalize everything I do in order to turn every moment of life into a teachable moment should it be necessary. So what would I teach a kid who saw me clean up tomato sauce grumbling to myself? Hmm, not things they would be allowed to mimic. They would be immediately reprimanded if they had a bad attitude about it.
Not to say I had a good attitude today with the glass, but I recovered quicker. I think part of growing up is learning to exhibit a certain patience and knowledge that I am the person to take care of the mess and it is my responsibility to do so with out begrudging it. It's not that big of a deal and I shouldn't throw a fit. So deja-vuing, I carefully bent down to pick up all the shards of this glass I broke this Saturday morning. Remembering is dangerous, once you start it snowballs. I then began to think to all the times I have broken things in my life, be it abstract or relational or myself, as a result of my own volition and sinful nature.
I thought to the many times I refused to pick up the shards of broken events. The times I refused to accept or acknowledge responsibilities and consequences of my sins and actions. A few of these times have stuck in my head. Times I broke a glass in my life and did not clean it up but left the slivers and shavings of glass on the floor. They stuck in my heart in deep places embedded themselves in with hurt and pain and wretchedness. I could get specific and probably name almost all the pieces of glass I've left there in my heart. It's only through the last couple years, when God's brought me through certain circumstances, has He removed them one by one, placed them before me, and thrown them out. It's been a slow, painful process. I feel like glass re-wounds as it is pulled out. Sometimes it takes awhile to heal properly. Muscles and tendons have to reorder themselves around the shards and they have to reorient to their intended places. There's a process to healing and after healing, there's still scar tissue to suffer.
So, as I picked up the broken glass and swept all the little bits in the dust pan, I asked myself why. What was so hard about cleaning up the broken pieces when they happened? Why haven't I dealt with my sins immediately? Wouldn't that be easier in the long run? Was it because I can have a begrudging attitude? These questions left me pondering.
By leaving brokenness on the floor of my heart, I most certainly left them there to penetrate more deeply and harmfully than I could have known. Also, those shards I refused to deal with hurt others. Why did I refuse to clean them up? By cleaning up, I imply repentance and turning to God to ask Him for grace. Why didn't I trust Him to right the situation, for the power of forgiving and being forgiving? (In the long run, I have, since they've been cleaned up, some of them at least). I am not sure why I ran away from brokenness. Lack of maturity is one reason. Maybe I didn't want to admit I messed up? Maybe I was in shock? Maybe I was still lost and didn't really truly grasp salvation? Human nature? Sin?
As I made sure I had gotten all of the broken pieces off my kitchen floor, I thought to the miraculous process it has been removing all the pieces of glass in my life. God confronted me in a lot of areas and forced me to see and acknowledge all the pieces that were ripping me up and destroying different parts of my heart and maybe my life in recent years. Am I the lost coin? Hopefully!
In the end, what I've learned is that I don't have to have a resentful attitude while repairing or dealing with the brokenness. I am hopeful and see the good in the process of "cleaning up." It is good to know God and to know that is what God does: repairs the brokenhearted. All things are for His glory. He is here to pick up our shattered pieces of iniquity and work with us to make us whole again. In fact, He probably takes us through such broken times in order to teach us more of His ways. So we will able to more fully know His love and and be able to embrace the life He has for us--broken glasses and all. Let's hope we have good attitudes about that!
Sunday, August 12, 2012
Weakness
There's a gradual realization creeping upon me that as much as I love teaching, it also physically undermines me in such a way that I might need to reconsider my options. I spent the last week fighting a rather painful infection common to teachers who never leave the classroom if they can help it.
I am slowly recovering. Again. This same infection laid me out in my previous pregnancy and even before I was pregnant and teaching ( popping 4 advil a day seemed to keep the pain away). And the pain. Oh my goodness. So much pain. Luckily, after much drama with my doctors to get me meds, I only suffered a little less than two weeks this time. It took at least a month and a week of me sitting on a couch not working for me to figure out what was wrong with me.
So I am weak. So weak. From fighting this dang infection. And I was scared. Scared my doctors wouldnt listen to me and my pain and make me suffer and I'd have to go into labor with most of energy sapped out of me. Because I am tired. Who knows when I'll get a decent energy level back to function at a somewhat normal level.
And it all breaks me. I cannot do what I think I should be able to do. I am broken. Have been broken and thought the pieces had been mended, but it seems that God always has a different path for me to go down. And I am either too stiff necked or inattentive to the whispers that I continually need to be reminded of pain. Of brokenness. Of sacrifice. Christ broke his body for us. Those who have suffered chronic, debilitating pain can somewhat understand or imagine the significance of those words. Broken means pain. Christ died for us, broken and in pain.
And then he was resurrected and restored and filled. Last week I talked about being filled and I know it is only because I have been broken that I have been filled. I only know what fullness is because I have been broken and restored by God's mighty hand. And I don't think that connection clicked until this week when I found myself suffering excruciating pain once again and realizing how it has changed me. Humbled me a bit, I hope. But it also has made me more receptive to God's love and care and truth.
I am in God's hands so he can fashion me as he wants to. And I trust him. Even if He continually reminds me of my weakness and brokenness and i don't understand why.
I am slowly recovering. Again. This same infection laid me out in my previous pregnancy and even before I was pregnant and teaching ( popping 4 advil a day seemed to keep the pain away). And the pain. Oh my goodness. So much pain. Luckily, after much drama with my doctors to get me meds, I only suffered a little less than two weeks this time. It took at least a month and a week of me sitting on a couch not working for me to figure out what was wrong with me.
So I am weak. So weak. From fighting this dang infection. And I was scared. Scared my doctors wouldnt listen to me and my pain and make me suffer and I'd have to go into labor with most of energy sapped out of me. Because I am tired. Who knows when I'll get a decent energy level back to function at a somewhat normal level.
And it all breaks me. I cannot do what I think I should be able to do. I am broken. Have been broken and thought the pieces had been mended, but it seems that God always has a different path for me to go down. And I am either too stiff necked or inattentive to the whispers that I continually need to be reminded of pain. Of brokenness. Of sacrifice. Christ broke his body for us. Those who have suffered chronic, debilitating pain can somewhat understand or imagine the significance of those words. Broken means pain. Christ died for us, broken and in pain.
And then he was resurrected and restored and filled. Last week I talked about being filled and I know it is only because I have been broken that I have been filled. I only know what fullness is because I have been broken and restored by God's mighty hand. And I don't think that connection clicked until this week when I found myself suffering excruciating pain once again and realizing how it has changed me. Humbled me a bit, I hope. But it also has made me more receptive to God's love and care and truth.
I am in God's hands so he can fashion me as he wants to. And I trust him. Even if He continually reminds me of my weakness and brokenness and i don't understand why.
Friday, August 10, 2012
How to raise a toddler
I realize with baby number two approaching that I have very clear rules, tenets if you will, to child-raising that make my life easier. These will be all important in the coming days. But at the same time, nothing is as hard as teaching in an inner city middle school classroom, so I am not that stressed about another little one. Mamahood has been pretty easy in comparison, knock on wood. It is way easier to deal with one child than twenty, especially when I am the one with ultimate disciplinary and character building authority. It is easier to form my own child's character and discipline the way I want it to be, then to have to 'undo', 'reshape', conform other people's children who are not up to my standards of behavior. SO MUCH EASIER. It's also easier to get my child to do what I want them to do because I have so much time in the world to build that relationship. In a classroom, there's never enough time for anything and there probably shouldn't be, but at the same time, one on one conversations are really important to have in the classroom, but a teacher can't always have as many as she needs.
In short, I've been thinking about my approach to child raising and I've compiled a list of my rules that I abide by that make my life easier. Many of them I picked up from teaching middle school, believe it or not. Please enjoy. Also, FYI, baby is what we call ourselves and by ourselves I mean Evelyn. In the toddler world, everything is third-first person.
1. A fussy baby goes to bed. Or gets something to eat. But usually the first option. If a baby isn't happy, it is usually because they are hungry, tired, or need a diaper change. Or maybe in need of a break after over simulation. In any case, some alone time in bed usually works any problems out. And this problem resolution takes less than 10 minutes most of the time.
2. A fussy baby puts herself to sleep. It's a good self soothing, character building exercise. Mama does not need to prolong the sleep and tire herself out by coddling her toddler to nap or sleep. Think of it as an act to learn independence and autonomy. The baby will have to deal with her own problems in the future, might as well let her start now.
3. Babies must listen the first time. I'm only going to ask once. If I have to ask twice, immediate time out, removal of toy/food item/activity. I've spent way too much time repeating myself as a teacher. I am not going to spend any more breath or time getting people to do what they need to do as a mother. I WISH MORE PARENTS DID THIS. MEAN WHAT YOU SAY. AND BACK UP WITH CONSEQUENCES. Your child will be a good listener and so much more pleasurable to deal with. if not, don't worry, i have no problem enforcing this rule on other children. Sometimes a " what did I just ask you to do?" and "do you want a time out/ negative consequence" sends the necessary back up message that i mean what i say and i am only going to say it one time and only one time before you get in trouble.
4. Give baby two options that you, the parent, are okay with it. Do not give them open ended choices- you'll never get anywhere and it opens the door for them to learn how to manipulate you if you try too hard to cater to their 'wishes.'' Half the time they don't know what they want, but find the game of power struggle awfully fun. If they refuse your choices, decide to lay down the hammer or let them express their opinion. Alternate between the two. It's good for baby to know boundaries and learn how to choose with limited options. Other times, it's good for baby to have a strong opinion and to fight for it. I try balance between the two which often means discerning which times have the potential for manipulation and the times my child will benefit from letting her decide something. Don't deny them either experience.
5. Babies must say sorry and make a gesture of reconciliation after hurting someone or doing something wrong. Gestures can be a hug or a high five to be made after a timeout and saying sorry. Sorry isn't enough, babies have to repair the relationship by an appropriate gesture. (this is me doing what my parents did that often prevent grudges from forming and resets the balance of peace in some way).
6. Babies help with chores and tasks as soon as they can walk and understand commands. If baby purposely throws something on the floor, then baby picks it up. If baby has trash, she puts it in the trash can. The baby doesn't have to clean up her entire room, but she can help do little things. Babies are natural helpers. Mamas should not do everything and should try to let baby help out as much as possible. Especially, if there's a littler baby around. I'm all for autonomy and independence as soon as possible- call it Montessori if you will. I think a happy baby is one who feels empowered and a contributor and works as soon as she can.
7. Teach babies to sign and communicate (E started at around 10 months doing signs back). Walk them through how to communicate their feelings and wants and needs. Tell them what's appropriate and not appropriate. Make them ask for things. Make them ask for things without fussing. Explain everything. Tell them it's okay to feel anger and frustrated and sad ( but not okay to act out on it). Tell them to say they are sad or angry or mad. Make them say want they want. Tell them that they can want, but sometimes not have if it is not appropriate. REALLY IMPORTANT FUTURE CONFLICT RESOLUTION SKILLS THAT ARE BUILDING HERE. Seriously, if only more people in the world could communicate how they are feeling, what they want or need, and be okay with a positive or negative response (that is an acknowledge and probably enough for negative emotions). How many times do I model this for my middle schoolers: Say " I am upset you called me xyz. That is not okay. Please apologize. If you don't apologize, I will [take it to the next level/tell the teacher] and because it is an act of bullying expect detention " Don't punch them in the face. Girls, especially, need this communication skill in life.What I say to evelyn when upset: "I understand and am sorry you are upset and it is okay to be upset. But, you cannot act on it in a negative way. If you need space or x or y, that's fine, but you cannot z, otherwise you'll get a timeout. " I'm big on time-outs.
8. Treat toddlers with respect like you would any adult. A toddler is still a human being with dignity. They deserve explanations for actions. They should be asked calmly to do things. They do not deserve your anger. Or if they do, they will pick up on how to treat people angrily. THe world is a confusing place to be a kid, with usually only a parent as a link to deciphering it. If a parent yells and puts them in time-out in an aggressive manner without explaining, the child is left clueless and upset and often shut down. Ugh, I saw one parent do this at the playground and it drove me nuts! A calm response is best. Instead of whipping your child out of the situation and telling them they are bad for disobeying, model what the correct behavior was and then give them a time out. Instead of "Bobby, you get a spanking" violent picking up and yelling. Say, "Bobby, that was not right. Please say sorry to this little girl. And you are getting a time out because we don't xyz." DO NOT SHUT DOWN YOUR CHILD. THEY DO NOT AUTOMATICALLY KNOW your behavior expectations- so explain them to them. IF you don't, pretty sure your child will hate you most of their childhood, grudgingly give you respect, and high-tail it out of your house and rebel against anything you have ever told them. Christian parents who spank, I am talking to you. Maybe 1 case in 10 probably spanks appropriately and does what is necessary, but in the other 9 times- you probably let your anger get the best of you and crush your child's soul. Disciplining should never be done in anger or when upset. It should have a teaching moment and a positive behavior or action to be done as a follow up. It is very easy to lose a child's respect if you "demand" obedience with force. Not even God "demands" things of us. He offers us choices and wants us to partner with Him in doing the right thing. That's also another tactic of mine, especially in the classroom, reminding people that they have a choice: to do what is right or to not and suffer these consequences. And I give them that choice to make. I like empowered people, not people driven by cowering fear. Pretty sure the whole reason God sent Christ was to empower us as well "to be full heirs with Christ."
9. Otherwise, let children do what they want to do. Explore, play, jump, laugh and make a mess. My child will never be the cleanest or the calmest child all the time, but she will be inquisitive, curious, observant, social, and interactive. And interesting. Every child has a different brain and letting it set the pace (and nurturing it when appropriate) will develop another huge gift and asset to the world. There will be times to make them do what they don't want, but for the most part, toddlerdom is about establishing trust and security and building neurons paths in a healthy environment. Letting them enjoy their interests activates good parts of the brain that will set them up to be brilliant in the future.
10. Establish routines. Babies, children, middle schoolers, and adults all love routines. It makes them happy and safe. A baby who knows she will eat, sleep, play at regular times is a happy baby. Too much activity can stress a baby out. If there's a rhythm to the day, they tend to have less fits, less fights, less unhappiness. For this reason, I sometimes dread traveling with a young-one. Their schedule gets off and I as a parent have to fight more to get them on some sort of routine which means they sleep less, i sleep less, and everyone is more irritable. Heck, that's why if I want to go somewhere, I want to stay there for a while. I don't like even being the tourist- I'd rather live in a different place for a month or so to truly absorb the experience. But that's me.
I'm sure i have others, but these I think are the really important ones. I want my child healthy(mentally, physically, emotionally, socially, and spiritually), content, and ready to forge her own path in the world, while enjoying every minute of life. And these are tenets that will get her there. With prayer and love of course. How do you think I came up with them?
In short, I've been thinking about my approach to child raising and I've compiled a list of my rules that I abide by that make my life easier. Many of them I picked up from teaching middle school, believe it or not. Please enjoy. Also, FYI, baby is what we call ourselves and by ourselves I mean Evelyn. In the toddler world, everything is third-first person.
1. A fussy baby goes to bed. Or gets something to eat. But usually the first option. If a baby isn't happy, it is usually because they are hungry, tired, or need a diaper change. Or maybe in need of a break after over simulation. In any case, some alone time in bed usually works any problems out. And this problem resolution takes less than 10 minutes most of the time.
2. A fussy baby puts herself to sleep. It's a good self soothing, character building exercise. Mama does not need to prolong the sleep and tire herself out by coddling her toddler to nap or sleep. Think of it as an act to learn independence and autonomy. The baby will have to deal with her own problems in the future, might as well let her start now.
3. Babies must listen the first time. I'm only going to ask once. If I have to ask twice, immediate time out, removal of toy/food item/activity. I've spent way too much time repeating myself as a teacher. I am not going to spend any more breath or time getting people to do what they need to do as a mother. I WISH MORE PARENTS DID THIS. MEAN WHAT YOU SAY. AND BACK UP WITH CONSEQUENCES. Your child will be a good listener and so much more pleasurable to deal with. if not, don't worry, i have no problem enforcing this rule on other children. Sometimes a " what did I just ask you to do?" and "do you want a time out/ negative consequence" sends the necessary back up message that i mean what i say and i am only going to say it one time and only one time before you get in trouble.
4. Give baby two options that you, the parent, are okay with it. Do not give them open ended choices- you'll never get anywhere and it opens the door for them to learn how to manipulate you if you try too hard to cater to their 'wishes.'' Half the time they don't know what they want, but find the game of power struggle awfully fun. If they refuse your choices, decide to lay down the hammer or let them express their opinion. Alternate between the two. It's good for baby to know boundaries and learn how to choose with limited options. Other times, it's good for baby to have a strong opinion and to fight for it. I try balance between the two which often means discerning which times have the potential for manipulation and the times my child will benefit from letting her decide something. Don't deny them either experience.
5. Babies must say sorry and make a gesture of reconciliation after hurting someone or doing something wrong. Gestures can be a hug or a high five to be made after a timeout and saying sorry. Sorry isn't enough, babies have to repair the relationship by an appropriate gesture. (this is me doing what my parents did that often prevent grudges from forming and resets the balance of peace in some way).
6. Babies help with chores and tasks as soon as they can walk and understand commands. If baby purposely throws something on the floor, then baby picks it up. If baby has trash, she puts it in the trash can. The baby doesn't have to clean up her entire room, but she can help do little things. Babies are natural helpers. Mamas should not do everything and should try to let baby help out as much as possible. Especially, if there's a littler baby around. I'm all for autonomy and independence as soon as possible- call it Montessori if you will. I think a happy baby is one who feels empowered and a contributor and works as soon as she can.
7. Teach babies to sign and communicate (E started at around 10 months doing signs back). Walk them through how to communicate their feelings and wants and needs. Tell them what's appropriate and not appropriate. Make them ask for things. Make them ask for things without fussing. Explain everything. Tell them it's okay to feel anger and frustrated and sad ( but not okay to act out on it). Tell them to say they are sad or angry or mad. Make them say want they want. Tell them that they can want, but sometimes not have if it is not appropriate. REALLY IMPORTANT FUTURE CONFLICT RESOLUTION SKILLS THAT ARE BUILDING HERE. Seriously, if only more people in the world could communicate how they are feeling, what they want or need, and be okay with a positive or negative response (that is an acknowledge and probably enough for negative emotions). How many times do I model this for my middle schoolers: Say " I am upset you called me xyz. That is not okay. Please apologize. If you don't apologize, I will [take it to the next level/tell the teacher] and because it is an act of bullying expect detention " Don't punch them in the face. Girls, especially, need this communication skill in life.What I say to evelyn when upset: "I understand and am sorry you are upset and it is okay to be upset. But, you cannot act on it in a negative way. If you need space or x or y, that's fine, but you cannot z, otherwise you'll get a timeout. " I'm big on time-outs.
8. Treat toddlers with respect like you would any adult. A toddler is still a human being with dignity. They deserve explanations for actions. They should be asked calmly to do things. They do not deserve your anger. Or if they do, they will pick up on how to treat people angrily. THe world is a confusing place to be a kid, with usually only a parent as a link to deciphering it. If a parent yells and puts them in time-out in an aggressive manner without explaining, the child is left clueless and upset and often shut down. Ugh, I saw one parent do this at the playground and it drove me nuts! A calm response is best. Instead of whipping your child out of the situation and telling them they are bad for disobeying, model what the correct behavior was and then give them a time out. Instead of "Bobby, you get a spanking" violent picking up and yelling. Say, "Bobby, that was not right. Please say sorry to this little girl. And you are getting a time out because we don't xyz." DO NOT SHUT DOWN YOUR CHILD. THEY DO NOT AUTOMATICALLY KNOW your behavior expectations- so explain them to them. IF you don't, pretty sure your child will hate you most of their childhood, grudgingly give you respect, and high-tail it out of your house and rebel against anything you have ever told them. Christian parents who spank, I am talking to you. Maybe 1 case in 10 probably spanks appropriately and does what is necessary, but in the other 9 times- you probably let your anger get the best of you and crush your child's soul. Disciplining should never be done in anger or when upset. It should have a teaching moment and a positive behavior or action to be done as a follow up. It is very easy to lose a child's respect if you "demand" obedience with force. Not even God "demands" things of us. He offers us choices and wants us to partner with Him in doing the right thing. That's also another tactic of mine, especially in the classroom, reminding people that they have a choice: to do what is right or to not and suffer these consequences. And I give them that choice to make. I like empowered people, not people driven by cowering fear. Pretty sure the whole reason God sent Christ was to empower us as well "to be full heirs with Christ."
9. Otherwise, let children do what they want to do. Explore, play, jump, laugh and make a mess. My child will never be the cleanest or the calmest child all the time, but she will be inquisitive, curious, observant, social, and interactive. And interesting. Every child has a different brain and letting it set the pace (and nurturing it when appropriate) will develop another huge gift and asset to the world. There will be times to make them do what they don't want, but for the most part, toddlerdom is about establishing trust and security and building neurons paths in a healthy environment. Letting them enjoy their interests activates good parts of the brain that will set them up to be brilliant in the future.
10. Establish routines. Babies, children, middle schoolers, and adults all love routines. It makes them happy and safe. A baby who knows she will eat, sleep, play at regular times is a happy baby. Too much activity can stress a baby out. If there's a rhythm to the day, they tend to have less fits, less fights, less unhappiness. For this reason, I sometimes dread traveling with a young-one. Their schedule gets off and I as a parent have to fight more to get them on some sort of routine which means they sleep less, i sleep less, and everyone is more irritable. Heck, that's why if I want to go somewhere, I want to stay there for a while. I don't like even being the tourist- I'd rather live in a different place for a month or so to truly absorb the experience. But that's me.
I'm sure i have others, but these I think are the really important ones. I want my child healthy(mentally, physically, emotionally, socially, and spiritually), content, and ready to forge her own path in the world, while enjoying every minute of life. And these are tenets that will get her there. With prayer and love of course. How do you think I came up with them?
Monday, August 6, 2012
Bread of life
The gospel scripture reading at church yesterday talked about the miracle of feeding the five thousand and Jesus declaring that he was/is the bread of life. the new testament reading talked about being a part of the body of Christ and uniting under one hope and maturing into the fullness of Christ. The old testament was the icky one about david's fallenness when he kills Uriah to have bathseba.
I don't have too many great insights into these passages. I'm not really in a place of hunger for anything, nor do I really feel part of the church body in any significant way (which is why it's probably good to be reminded of Ephesians 4's one body, one spirit, one hope). I guess I should be en garde for any prideful temptations lurking beyond my palace walls (new job, a more exciting lifestyle?), but I'm pretty sure child number two and my inability to function when pregnant will keep those ambitions at bay.
What then? Why the blah, the laissez faire attitude with regards to the spirit? Is it just a reflection of my energy level as I enter the last weeks of pregnancy? Or is it a sign of being filled, establishing maturity, being secured in my faith and my place in the body of Christ? Christ is my bread, so he fills me. Righteousness is bestowed, not mine, but his, so that i can wear it without being tossed to and fro. Just as I wear the helmet of salvation and know I am saved, the breastplate of righteousness protects my heart so that I can love and serve. So that I can promote righteousness that IS SO NEEDED in so many places. I've worked in too many places that send me into the midst of unrighteous aka the wrong way to live aka a way that will destroy from the inside out because of some combination of ignorance, neglect, and lack of leadership. Sure you can have an extreme of white washed tombs of righteousness going on, but boy, it's probably better than the outright gnashing of teeth and destruction.
And Jesus who is the bread sustains that service. There are too many place without righteousness and it is my call and duty to seek and serve those places. It's every Christian's call. And I think that a huge part of the Christian journey is using up bread like fuel in service. Living for others, pouring out in some way and daily needing Christ and his righteousness to sustain you. It's part of being mature in Christ that Ephesians 4 talks about. It's the next step of faith, to depend upon christ's righteousness so I don't have to be tripped up by my trivial and petty woes ( another critique of the modern american church that I feel spends way to much time assuaging people's egos and ignoring true places of need- places where the gospel can speak so powerfully. But I'll keep my over privileged christian impotent bubble condemnations for another time). I don't proclaim myself, but Christ in whatever ways (whatever gifts) he calls me to.
And I guess I'll wrap up by saying I am satiated by Christ. I don't want anything for myself, but more for others who want and need righteousness.I am driven by the power of reconciliation available to all because of Christ's death and resurrection. I see the need for Him to come and change the status quo and I am transformed by being apart of that process. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness for they will be filled- by Christ, by being a part of the body of Christ. And once filled, the blessed will share that bread of life with others.
I don't have too many great insights into these passages. I'm not really in a place of hunger for anything, nor do I really feel part of the church body in any significant way (which is why it's probably good to be reminded of Ephesians 4's one body, one spirit, one hope). I guess I should be en garde for any prideful temptations lurking beyond my palace walls (new job, a more exciting lifestyle?), but I'm pretty sure child number two and my inability to function when pregnant will keep those ambitions at bay.
What then? Why the blah, the laissez faire attitude with regards to the spirit? Is it just a reflection of my energy level as I enter the last weeks of pregnancy? Or is it a sign of being filled, establishing maturity, being secured in my faith and my place in the body of Christ? Christ is my bread, so he fills me. Righteousness is bestowed, not mine, but his, so that i can wear it without being tossed to and fro. Just as I wear the helmet of salvation and know I am saved, the breastplate of righteousness protects my heart so that I can love and serve. So that I can promote righteousness that IS SO NEEDED in so many places. I've worked in too many places that send me into the midst of unrighteous aka the wrong way to live aka a way that will destroy from the inside out because of some combination of ignorance, neglect, and lack of leadership. Sure you can have an extreme of white washed tombs of righteousness going on, but boy, it's probably better than the outright gnashing of teeth and destruction.
And Jesus who is the bread sustains that service. There are too many place without righteousness and it is my call and duty to seek and serve those places. It's every Christian's call. And I think that a huge part of the Christian journey is using up bread like fuel in service. Living for others, pouring out in some way and daily needing Christ and his righteousness to sustain you. It's part of being mature in Christ that Ephesians 4 talks about. It's the next step of faith, to depend upon christ's righteousness so I don't have to be tripped up by my trivial and petty woes ( another critique of the modern american church that I feel spends way to much time assuaging people's egos and ignoring true places of need- places where the gospel can speak so powerfully. But I'll keep my over privileged christian impotent bubble condemnations for another time). I don't proclaim myself, but Christ in whatever ways (whatever gifts) he calls me to.
And I guess I'll wrap up by saying I am satiated by Christ. I don't want anything for myself, but more for others who want and need righteousness.I am driven by the power of reconciliation available to all because of Christ's death and resurrection. I see the need for Him to come and change the status quo and I am transformed by being apart of that process. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness for they will be filled- by Christ, by being a part of the body of Christ. And once filled, the blessed will share that bread of life with others.
Saturday, July 21, 2012
It is good for man not to live alone
I started my drive to the mall this morning (for some ''me" time) thinking about how good it is to be married and to be in relationship with someone. When I am alone and I let my thoughts wander they go down all sorts of paths and usually end up somewhere on the negative side of the road. Just always having someone around aka my husband keeps me from those dark roads of wandering thoughts where I question people's motives and the goodness to be found in the world etc.
I guess the most relevant application to this thought that every human being needs other humans is the guy who thought on his own and planned a killing spree at a movie theater. Whenever I read about events like that one, I think to myself that that person needed some good friends. Caring friends. Solid relationships that called him out of himself and into the good parts of this world (that yes do exist). Isolation is a cruel experience and I think is one of the most damaging products of American culture today.
And somehow my thoughts led me down to reflect about my students. Even with the many headed beasts of problems facing schools today, they at least provide some sort of community for students- which if done right, works wonders; done poorly exacerbates the issues it should combat.
And I reflected on my drive to get my first haircut in 8 months, that I love working with my students in community. I am so inspired by them and by their hearts and the major and minor human dramas that are played out everyday in my classroom. I am full. My friend who is a vet and finds fullness working with cows and vet students gave me a defintion of fullness as having a missional purpose. Something I agree and I don't agree with. Yes, part of why I love teaching and love working is the opportunity to love these kids ( I'm going to start calling them under-utilized instead of under-privileged or lower Ses). But I am going to run run away from the idea of "missions", because there is no way that I am on mission with them. I am not a missionary to them. No way. I am just someone who is with them. And yes, I seek to be in relationship with them. Granted it is a teacher- student relationship but still an influential, caring relationship not the less. Me being me and interacting with them being them and living our lives together for part of our individual journeys. There's no strategy (though I employ many teaching strategies to push and pull them into learning all that they can), but a desire to just be with them.
And I think that most aptly describes what Jesus did when He came down to earth. He wasn't "missional" in today's churchy sense of the word. He came to be with us. He didn't have lists of strategies, he just had a desire o hang out with Pharisees and sinners a like. To bring them into relationship with each other and with God so that everyone could live life together in community. Human dramas included. Iron sharpening iron with a deep sense of being filled and enjoying what goodness this earth has to offer. Feeling connected, feeling fulfilled and loved. Being human as were created to be.
And that's what I get out of teaching and being in the hard to live places. And there are consequences of working on the edge. I cry a lot easier, become more easily angered at injustices in the world and people who I judge to live comfy lives at the cost of what I judge to be humanity. My hearts breaks a lot at the uncertainties of my students' futures that statistically do not bode well. But I am in relationship and privy to a whole lot of wonderfulness and goodness that humbles me and drives me on deep levels. I've given my life over to the lord for his glory and trust the paths he lays out before me. Hard and lovely as they may be. Yes, it is ridiculously hard, but at the same time so joyful. There is so much pain and suffering out there and the burden of it can be overwhelming- but at the same time it is light. Because of every step of the way, the gospel proclaims itself. Christ died so that we may have life and life to the full. And that life is needed, so needed for so many, but only if we get out there and hang out with those different from us, the weak, the sick, the strong, and the healthy. Community is vital to our souls and our spiritual lives. Everyone needs a place to pour out their lives and that place should not be an insular bubble of homogenous thought (like most churches today). Too many chances to be a pharisee. and not enough life.
I guess the most relevant application to this thought that every human being needs other humans is the guy who thought on his own and planned a killing spree at a movie theater. Whenever I read about events like that one, I think to myself that that person needed some good friends. Caring friends. Solid relationships that called him out of himself and into the good parts of this world (that yes do exist). Isolation is a cruel experience and I think is one of the most damaging products of American culture today.
And somehow my thoughts led me down to reflect about my students. Even with the many headed beasts of problems facing schools today, they at least provide some sort of community for students- which if done right, works wonders; done poorly exacerbates the issues it should combat.
And I reflected on my drive to get my first haircut in 8 months, that I love working with my students in community. I am so inspired by them and by their hearts and the major and minor human dramas that are played out everyday in my classroom. I am full. My friend who is a vet and finds fullness working with cows and vet students gave me a defintion of fullness as having a missional purpose. Something I agree and I don't agree with. Yes, part of why I love teaching and love working is the opportunity to love these kids ( I'm going to start calling them under-utilized instead of under-privileged or lower Ses). But I am going to run run away from the idea of "missions", because there is no way that I am on mission with them. I am not a missionary to them. No way. I am just someone who is with them. And yes, I seek to be in relationship with them. Granted it is a teacher- student relationship but still an influential, caring relationship not the less. Me being me and interacting with them being them and living our lives together for part of our individual journeys. There's no strategy (though I employ many teaching strategies to push and pull them into learning all that they can), but a desire to just be with them.
And I think that most aptly describes what Jesus did when He came down to earth. He wasn't "missional" in today's churchy sense of the word. He came to be with us. He didn't have lists of strategies, he just had a desire o hang out with Pharisees and sinners a like. To bring them into relationship with each other and with God so that everyone could live life together in community. Human dramas included. Iron sharpening iron with a deep sense of being filled and enjoying what goodness this earth has to offer. Feeling connected, feeling fulfilled and loved. Being human as were created to be.
And that's what I get out of teaching and being in the hard to live places. And there are consequences of working on the edge. I cry a lot easier, become more easily angered at injustices in the world and people who I judge to live comfy lives at the cost of what I judge to be humanity. My hearts breaks a lot at the uncertainties of my students' futures that statistically do not bode well. But I am in relationship and privy to a whole lot of wonderfulness and goodness that humbles me and drives me on deep levels. I've given my life over to the lord for his glory and trust the paths he lays out before me. Hard and lovely as they may be. Yes, it is ridiculously hard, but at the same time so joyful. There is so much pain and suffering out there and the burden of it can be overwhelming- but at the same time it is light. Because of every step of the way, the gospel proclaims itself. Christ died so that we may have life and life to the full. And that life is needed, so needed for so many, but only if we get out there and hang out with those different from us, the weak, the sick, the strong, and the healthy. Community is vital to our souls and our spiritual lives. Everyone needs a place to pour out their lives and that place should not be an insular bubble of homogenous thought (like most churches today). Too many chances to be a pharisee. and not enough life.
Thursday, June 21, 2012
Ke$ha and King David
It's rare that the car radio is on any other stations besides NPR and the classical one. But every once in awhile, during the rare event I am in my car longer than 5 minutes (I hate driving places), I turn to the pop station to listen me some good dance tunes.
Today, ke$ha was on with her hit "we r who we r" and I was almost brought to tears. By what you ask? By the gospel message present in her song. Before you roll your eyes or think I am trying to be relevant or hip, let me explain with the underlying sentiment of the song that the gospel makes possible. Let me rephrase that, before you become Michal watching King David dance naked in the streets, hear me out.
There is a deep deep desire within us to be "who we are". While there are millions of things that can help us with identity crises, I think it is important to understand what the gospel tells us who we are: we are children of God who deep down want to joyously celebrate God and all that he has done by, yes, quite possibly, "dancing like we dumb dumb dumb our bodies going numb numb numb".
Ke$ha writes fun party songs that just begged to be danced to with careless abandon. No burden of moralism, suffering, sin, weight of the world in her catchy techno beats. It's freedom and good times she preaches in her lyrics.
Which is similar to what grace preaches. Grace is not somber. Grace is wild. Grace is the abandon found on a dance floor. The crazy jubilation of being set free by a god who loves deeply and enjoys you deeply. And that brings out the truest good times possible on this earth with the promise of more in the next.
I understand the appeal of freedom and good times, especially to girls. Too much of our up-bringing, especially in the church, is heavy on the legalism, restrictions, denying oneself, all things that have a good and noble place in the kingdom and the life of faith, but are not the freedom of grace. The freedom of grace is dancing in the streets naked because of what God has done for you. Is rocking out in a club dancing your heart out because you are young and alive and want to taste the goodness of the world and Jesus. It's having a good time and letting loose for the love of the Lord. It's release of worry about what people think, whether you are measuring up, whether you are worthy and just being "who you are," awkward dance moves and all.
And yes, morality or the law has a delicate and important tension with grace in the process of sanctification. Not trying to throw it out the picture. In fact, I would probably argue that it is impossible to dance naked in the streets like David without a deep love of the law and an integrity from following it. Living righteously is extremely important, but what I am arguing is that if it is at the cost of joy and freedom, then it aint the gospel. God wants sacrifices of heart, which include jubilant celebration and abandon.
Dear lord, may we embrace the joy and freedom you offer through your son Jesus. May we dance in abandon for all you have done for us for your glory and for the health of our hearts and mind. In your name we pray, Jesus. Amen
Today, ke$ha was on with her hit "we r who we r" and I was almost brought to tears. By what you ask? By the gospel message present in her song. Before you roll your eyes or think I am trying to be relevant or hip, let me explain with the underlying sentiment of the song that the gospel makes possible. Let me rephrase that, before you become Michal watching King David dance naked in the streets, hear me out.
There is a deep deep desire within us to be "who we are". While there are millions of things that can help us with identity crises, I think it is important to understand what the gospel tells us who we are: we are children of God who deep down want to joyously celebrate God and all that he has done by, yes, quite possibly, "dancing like we dumb dumb dumb our bodies going numb numb numb".
Ke$ha writes fun party songs that just begged to be danced to with careless abandon. No burden of moralism, suffering, sin, weight of the world in her catchy techno beats. It's freedom and good times she preaches in her lyrics.
Which is similar to what grace preaches. Grace is not somber. Grace is wild. Grace is the abandon found on a dance floor. The crazy jubilation of being set free by a god who loves deeply and enjoys you deeply. And that brings out the truest good times possible on this earth with the promise of more in the next.
I understand the appeal of freedom and good times, especially to girls. Too much of our up-bringing, especially in the church, is heavy on the legalism, restrictions, denying oneself, all things that have a good and noble place in the kingdom and the life of faith, but are not the freedom of grace. The freedom of grace is dancing in the streets naked because of what God has done for you. Is rocking out in a club dancing your heart out because you are young and alive and want to taste the goodness of the world and Jesus. It's having a good time and letting loose for the love of the Lord. It's release of worry about what people think, whether you are measuring up, whether you are worthy and just being "who you are," awkward dance moves and all.
And yes, morality or the law has a delicate and important tension with grace in the process of sanctification. Not trying to throw it out the picture. In fact, I would probably argue that it is impossible to dance naked in the streets like David without a deep love of the law and an integrity from following it. Living righteously is extremely important, but what I am arguing is that if it is at the cost of joy and freedom, then it aint the gospel. God wants sacrifices of heart, which include jubilant celebration and abandon.
Dear lord, may we embrace the joy and freedom you offer through your son Jesus. May we dance in abandon for all you have done for us for your glory and for the health of our hearts and mind. In your name we pray, Jesus. Amen
Sunday, June 10, 2012
Poison Oak and Sin or the Sin of Itching
I have poison oak. It's pretty bad. It started on my hands and is slowly spreading across my body despite my best efforts to not itch and to cover myself in every topical cream and remedy possible. Nothing's worked. Not baking soda, vinegar, benadryl, caladryl, calamine, nope not a thing. need to get hydrogen peroxide as that used to be my go to, but don't have a lot of faith that that will work as well.
And in my mind that makes it a thing horrible enough to be an analogy to sin. Sin. Sin that starts as something small like touching a leaf of an unknown plant, that quickly turns into something that takes over your body and worsens with every itch and every self remedy. It's hard to get rid of and probably impossible to get rid of it without divine intervention. Expect scars. Expect it to get worse before it gets better. Expect unpleasantness.
Dear God rid me of poison oak and sin! Amen.
And in my mind that makes it a thing horrible enough to be an analogy to sin. Sin. Sin that starts as something small like touching a leaf of an unknown plant, that quickly turns into something that takes over your body and worsens with every itch and every self remedy. It's hard to get rid of and probably impossible to get rid of it without divine intervention. Expect scars. Expect it to get worse before it gets better. Expect unpleasantness.
Dear God rid me of poison oak and sin! Amen.
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Lewis versus Rowlings and Collins and Riordan
My sister, my mom, my brother, and I are voracious readers. As in, we read entire book series in a matter of days. Reread our favorites within a week. Discuss characters, themes, plot twists to death. We are our own little book club circle. At any given point in a conversation, we'll say, " oh I am rereading Austen (all of them) or Anne of Green Gables (all of them) or Harry Potter or Narnia or Tolkien." My sister right now is rereading Anne of Green Gables. My mom just finished rereading the Hunger Games. I just finished Austen and Narnia (yes, all of them! ok minus Northhanger Abbey). I will probably start on Harry Potter soon just because. Perhaps I am in need of new reading material, but I've read quite a lot. It's just that most books fall into the "timeless classic books I'll read over and over again because they never fail to entertain" category or the "nice story, but too ______ for me to want to read it again" box. Most adult books post 1980 fall into the second category with a fill in the blank of "depressing" or "boring." Or "sexual." Really. Too many modern books found on the New York Times Bestseller list are depressing and sexual and most likely depressing because of how sexual they are. Barf. Give me kid's lit! Where more nobler themes of humanity are scrolled on every page. Adult themes don't hold my interest. While they might paint an actual picture of the state of humanity (how depressing!), they don't inspire and thus I don't really need to read them again. Plus, too much of life is that way for me to want to read fiction about it. Read stories about characters that destroy their lives, pfah. Might as well read the newspaper or watch the news.
But back to speaking of kid's lit, modern day kid's lit is a little different from say Lewis's Chronicles of Narnia. Actually, most kid's lit is. Having just finished the Silver Chair a day or two ago, I found it remarkable the number of anti- protagonists there are: Edmund, Eustace, even Peter and Susan in Prince Caspian, Jill Poole and even Digory in The Magician's Nephew. They are all fallen. ignoble characters who have to be redeemed by Aslan. Edmund wants to be King and subject his siblings to his power and gives into the White Witch. Peter and Susan ignore Lucy's wanting to follow Aslan and follow rationality over faith. Eustace is a mean bully who likes to complain and is selfish and rotten to his core. Jill is easily swayed by appearances and gives into the idea of comfort over obedience (see the chapter when they meet the Giants of North). Digory rings the bell that awakens Jadis in a fit of selfishness and impulsiveness, punching poor Polly in the process. Jadis, of course, is the future White Witch. Their actions reflect a rottenness in the heart as a motivation. A baseness they succumb to instead of fight against. They choose willingly to do the wrong thing. And thus fall and fail.
In contrast, Harry, Katniss, Percy Jackson and et al, tend to be true heroes, yes with faults, but faults they overcome nobly. They don't betray. They don't grumble. They overcome their selfishness. They may war against the selfish parts of themselves, but ultimately, they rise to the occasion and do the right thing. And we love them for it. We love Harry and Katniss and Percy's selflessness (okay in Katniss's case her sacrifice) and integrity. They inspire us to rise to the occasion and battle evil and conquer it. They don't fall and so are like the legends of old, ideals, people to look up to. People, characters who become immortal and synonymous with heroism.
So what does that say about Lewis's series where Edmund doesn't overcome his selfishness and Aslan has to pay for his crime. Eustace, too, has to learn humility the hard way and only through Aslan, does he become a decent and 'good' character. Lucy, Peter, Caspian for the most part are noble characters, and while they mess up, they are more in line with our traditional views of heroes and follow the type of Harry, Katniss, and Percy. Which makes it all the more interesting that Lewis writes in characters like Edmund and Eustace.Why does he give us fallen heros that have to look outside of themselves for goodness and nobility and that carry with them the marks and scars of their cowardice?
Is it because that it is more real to life than the plot lines of our favorite noble characters?Lewis's fallen characters reflect more human decisions and the human heart. And reality points more to the truth and action of the gospel. We all betray and give ourselves over to the White Witch through treachery and sin. We all choose the wrong way and become cowards, creatures of the dark side that cannot regain access to integrity and nobility except through the action of a more righteous other. The consequences of Edmund's betrayal is the most heavy and serious in the series and the one that makes us most feel the weight and gravity of our deepest and most shameful moments. Moments where our actions of sins rot us to the core and debase us so that we are not fit to be anything. Thankfully, the story goes on to tell that what is required is for another to come and take the punishment and restore us with, fingers crossed, humility. Jesus did that for us on the cross. Aslan did it for Edmund at the Stone Table And that's a story line that more children and adults need to hear: we can be restored, with God's help. As great as the story of Harry Potter, and Katniss Evergreen and Percy Jackson are, they can't help us be redeemed from our bad choices- they only show us what happens when we don't make them. And we need to know that bad choices are not our condemnation into villains and antagonists, but that we too can rise and become anti protagonists, fallen heroes, humble and true, part of a bigger story that will bring all the righteous into glory on the last day. Amen.
But back to speaking of kid's lit, modern day kid's lit is a little different from say Lewis's Chronicles of Narnia. Actually, most kid's lit is. Having just finished the Silver Chair a day or two ago, I found it remarkable the number of anti- protagonists there are: Edmund, Eustace, even Peter and Susan in Prince Caspian, Jill Poole and even Digory in The Magician's Nephew. They are all fallen. ignoble characters who have to be redeemed by Aslan. Edmund wants to be King and subject his siblings to his power and gives into the White Witch. Peter and Susan ignore Lucy's wanting to follow Aslan and follow rationality over faith. Eustace is a mean bully who likes to complain and is selfish and rotten to his core. Jill is easily swayed by appearances and gives into the idea of comfort over obedience (see the chapter when they meet the Giants of North). Digory rings the bell that awakens Jadis in a fit of selfishness and impulsiveness, punching poor Polly in the process. Jadis, of course, is the future White Witch. Their actions reflect a rottenness in the heart as a motivation. A baseness they succumb to instead of fight against. They choose willingly to do the wrong thing. And thus fall and fail.
In contrast, Harry, Katniss, Percy Jackson and et al, tend to be true heroes, yes with faults, but faults they overcome nobly. They don't betray. They don't grumble. They overcome their selfishness. They may war against the selfish parts of themselves, but ultimately, they rise to the occasion and do the right thing. And we love them for it. We love Harry and Katniss and Percy's selflessness (okay in Katniss's case her sacrifice) and integrity. They inspire us to rise to the occasion and battle evil and conquer it. They don't fall and so are like the legends of old, ideals, people to look up to. People, characters who become immortal and synonymous with heroism.
So what does that say about Lewis's series where Edmund doesn't overcome his selfishness and Aslan has to pay for his crime. Eustace, too, has to learn humility the hard way and only through Aslan, does he become a decent and 'good' character. Lucy, Peter, Caspian for the most part are noble characters, and while they mess up, they are more in line with our traditional views of heroes and follow the type of Harry, Katniss, and Percy. Which makes it all the more interesting that Lewis writes in characters like Edmund and Eustace.Why does he give us fallen heros that have to look outside of themselves for goodness and nobility and that carry with them the marks and scars of their cowardice?
Is it because that it is more real to life than the plot lines of our favorite noble characters?Lewis's fallen characters reflect more human decisions and the human heart. And reality points more to the truth and action of the gospel. We all betray and give ourselves over to the White Witch through treachery and sin. We all choose the wrong way and become cowards, creatures of the dark side that cannot regain access to integrity and nobility except through the action of a more righteous other. The consequences of Edmund's betrayal is the most heavy and serious in the series and the one that makes us most feel the weight and gravity of our deepest and most shameful moments. Moments where our actions of sins rot us to the core and debase us so that we are not fit to be anything. Thankfully, the story goes on to tell that what is required is for another to come and take the punishment and restore us with, fingers crossed, humility. Jesus did that for us on the cross. Aslan did it for Edmund at the Stone Table And that's a story line that more children and adults need to hear: we can be restored, with God's help. As great as the story of Harry Potter, and Katniss Evergreen and Percy Jackson are, they can't help us be redeemed from our bad choices- they only show us what happens when we don't make them. And we need to know that bad choices are not our condemnation into villains and antagonists, but that we too can rise and become anti protagonists, fallen heroes, humble and true, part of a bigger story that will bring all the righteous into glory on the last day. Amen.
Monday, May 28, 2012
Thoughts swimming in my head
haven't had much time to blog- but have written plenty of posts in my head. Here's what I would write if I could be more disciplined:
-Fanny Price ( of Jane Austen's Mansfield Park) versus Scarlett O'Hara (of MM's Gone with the Wind)- extreme selfishness versus extreme selflessness- who is the better heroine? They are opposite ends of a spectrum, but in the end, are they that different?
-Failure- my many failures and how it's changed me (and how it's a little too easy for me to pick myself up after a project has blown up in my face). humility, ambition, the path to success (true success) should be littered with failure. and not something to fear, yet we fear it so much. why?
-A response to the preface and first essay of Wendell Berry's Sex, Ecomony, Community & Freedom. Liked the first chapter. The preface is a little too 'angry man on a rant who is biting the hand that made him'
and other things.
-Fanny Price ( of Jane Austen's Mansfield Park) versus Scarlett O'Hara (of MM's Gone with the Wind)- extreme selfishness versus extreme selflessness- who is the better heroine? They are opposite ends of a spectrum, but in the end, are they that different?
-Failure- my many failures and how it's changed me (and how it's a little too easy for me to pick myself up after a project has blown up in my face). humility, ambition, the path to success (true success) should be littered with failure. and not something to fear, yet we fear it so much. why?
-A response to the preface and first essay of Wendell Berry's Sex, Ecomony, Community & Freedom. Liked the first chapter. The preface is a little too 'angry man on a rant who is biting the hand that made him'
and other things.
Friday, May 18, 2012
Joy versus Happiness versus Contentedness versus Peace
I feel I must now explain my thoughts on joy versus happiness. One being one very much preferred expression of the other, but not the ultimate desire. In other words, happiness is an expression of joy, but not the only manifestation.
There's a great quote out in the twitter world that originated from who knows where and it goes: "Joy is not the absence of sorrow, but the settled conviction that the gospel is true in the face of sorrow." And I very much believe that statement. What I was trying to get at in my previous post is that I function better when I'm happy- and that doesn't mean I don't understand sorrow or avoid it or repress it, all things I think you cannot do and be a Christian, but that it's okay to operate in the happy realm- it's a byproduct of joy.
And joy encompasses joy and sorrow and everything in between and it is my belief that you cannot know true joy without knowing sorrow. Nor is joy very far away from peace. The peace that passes all understanding and knowledge. These things sort of go hand in hand. And that also means you have a contentedness with joy, sorrow, hardship, happiness, peace, conflict but at the same time have a dis-contentedness with the way things are.
Also, I think I should say that all these things are very very important for a very big reason: they help us love. If we are to be witnesses of Christ, to the ends of the earth, we need to know how to love. And I don't think you know how to love well without joy, sorrow, happiness, contentedness and peace. You may be able to preach, to go to church, to be apart of christian community, but I don't think you'd be able to love others well without understanding how much you are loved. And when you experience how much you are loved you experience love, joy, sorrow, happiness, and peace. It's just what happens when God comes into your life and speaks. His love transcends. It's the reverse of the apple of the tree of good and evil. When you bite the apple of God's love, you experience goodness, grace, peace, love, joy. Things we were created to experience as God's children. The things that make us alive. Make us lights in darkness.
There's a great quote out in the twitter world that originated from who knows where and it goes: "Joy is not the absence of sorrow, but the settled conviction that the gospel is true in the face of sorrow." And I very much believe that statement. What I was trying to get at in my previous post is that I function better when I'm happy- and that doesn't mean I don't understand sorrow or avoid it or repress it, all things I think you cannot do and be a Christian, but that it's okay to operate in the happy realm- it's a byproduct of joy.
And joy encompasses joy and sorrow and everything in between and it is my belief that you cannot know true joy without knowing sorrow. Nor is joy very far away from peace. The peace that passes all understanding and knowledge. These things sort of go hand in hand. And that also means you have a contentedness with joy, sorrow, hardship, happiness, peace, conflict but at the same time have a dis-contentedness with the way things are.
Also, I think I should say that all these things are very very important for a very big reason: they help us love. If we are to be witnesses of Christ, to the ends of the earth, we need to know how to love. And I don't think you know how to love well without joy, sorrow, happiness, contentedness and peace. You may be able to preach, to go to church, to be apart of christian community, but I don't think you'd be able to love others well without understanding how much you are loved. And when you experience how much you are loved you experience love, joy, sorrow, happiness, and peace. It's just what happens when God comes into your life and speaks. His love transcends. It's the reverse of the apple of the tree of good and evil. When you bite the apple of God's love, you experience goodness, grace, peace, love, joy. Things we were created to experience as God's children. The things that make us alive. Make us lights in darkness.
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
I'm only happy when I work? What??
Yes. It's true. I am most happy in life when I am in a classroom interacting with students making all those cogwheels turn in little brains. It's almost pathetic how my serotonin and dopamine levels soar when I am teaching. It's my panacea for life. As long as I am working (teaching), I can climb any mountains, ford any stream, overcome any difficulties.
I'm strange I know, but I think it's pretty obvious why teaching makes me happy. Psych 101: Feeling happy is directly correlated to how much meaning and satisfaction you find in work and how connected you are to your community. Not happy in life? You either are not finding meaning and satisfaction in your work or you do not feel connected to your fellow man. It's that simple. Teaching = both. I find meaning in the work and I connect to people aka my students and viola I'm happy. And if I am happy, everything else in my life tends fall in line and get it order. Not very deep, I know. But it works!!
And "cynic" alert: it's also why religion works. As much as I value my faith and my relationship with Jesus and my spirituality, I also know that (and know why?) religion is, yes, an opiate for the masses. See above paragraph: it helps people find meaning in life and help connect people to their fellow man. Maybe I am oversimplifying some of the benefits of Christianity, but it's also true, albeit a simplification. It's part of the whole. And yeah, I think God created it that way. He wired us humans for a specific purpose, and yes, that purpose might just be the recipe for happiness psychologists around the world know so well: find meaning in your work and connect deeply to a community. The mysteries of how to be happy and why we are here solved!
What makes it complicated? Sin. Brokenness. So we need God to overcome the complications. Need Jesus to rediscover meaning. Rediscover how to connect to God and thus then be able to connect to the fellow man. The Gospel in a happiness oriented nutshell. Here's another way to put it:
Find God. Find meaning. Find connection to humanity. Find Happiness. The end.
(yeah, yeah, yeah there are bumps in that formula. hard times. sad times. painful times. but that's part of the process of finding meaning and finding connection. What stage of discovery are you at right now?)
I'm strange I know, but I think it's pretty obvious why teaching makes me happy. Psych 101: Feeling happy is directly correlated to how much meaning and satisfaction you find in work and how connected you are to your community. Not happy in life? You either are not finding meaning and satisfaction in your work or you do not feel connected to your fellow man. It's that simple. Teaching = both. I find meaning in the work and I connect to people aka my students and viola I'm happy. And if I am happy, everything else in my life tends fall in line and get it order. Not very deep, I know. But it works!!
And "cynic" alert: it's also why religion works. As much as I value my faith and my relationship with Jesus and my spirituality, I also know that (and know why?) religion is, yes, an opiate for the masses. See above paragraph: it helps people find meaning in life and help connect people to their fellow man. Maybe I am oversimplifying some of the benefits of Christianity, but it's also true, albeit a simplification. It's part of the whole. And yeah, I think God created it that way. He wired us humans for a specific purpose, and yes, that purpose might just be the recipe for happiness psychologists around the world know so well: find meaning in your work and connect deeply to a community. The mysteries of how to be happy and why we are here solved!
What makes it complicated? Sin. Brokenness. So we need God to overcome the complications. Need Jesus to rediscover meaning. Rediscover how to connect to God and thus then be able to connect to the fellow man. The Gospel in a happiness oriented nutshell. Here's another way to put it:
Find God. Find meaning. Find connection to humanity. Find Happiness. The end.
(yeah, yeah, yeah there are bumps in that formula. hard times. sad times. painful times. but that's part of the process of finding meaning and finding connection. What stage of discovery are you at right now?)
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
Jews and Gentiles in the Early Church
I'm a bit of a snob. Oh not about clothes, or money, or most material things. But about education, justice, compassion, generosity, and general concern for the well being of the general welfare, YES. Most places I've lived are rather accommodating in those aspects- high concentrations of PhDs, well educated, community minded, highly involved, and compassionate people make up the majority of places like Northern VA, Charlottesville, and yes, even DC. Moving to NC has been an adjustment to more "southern" living? I don't know what to call it, but the fact that a "marriage" amendment that is purely politically motivated by right wingers to show off their muscles and that purposely harm families that aren't given a conservative stamp of approval angers me to the core.
It's so unjust. Families that already have to work for approval from social outlets now have the full force of government behind making their lives harder. No more benefits for spouses or children of their partners- who if they are not of their blood, probably won't be covered any more by villainous insurance companies. Heaven forbid that a child from two same sex parents has any extensive health problems, because now thanks to this law, the insurance company maybe able to drop them off coverage.
Not to mention that battered women might not be able to protect themselves and their children from their abusive but not legal married partners. Not your husband, hunny, we the law can't do anything about your problems, have fun being beaten to a pulp [it's your own fault sweetie is what also society says to the poor woman. BIG FAT LIE]. And no civil unions! Sorry if you don't believe in marriage, no legal protection or benefits for your partner because marriage is what's important. You want to leave all your money to the person you spent 50 plus years of civil unity with? SORRY, we the state are going to take it from you because YOU WEREN"T MARRIED. So, Go, Follow in the steps of the crooked politicians who put this amendment on the ballot and marry... but please don't have a marriage like them-- who think it's okay to sleep with lobbyists and carry on extramarital affairs- because surely it's all those gay people marrying that are driving republicans to forgo their marriage vows and be unfaithful. Yea. Vote for marriage. It's the "right" thing to do. And remember marriage is for sleeping around and doing whatever the dang you want you to. Just as long as you got a certification that says man and wife.
I am a bit bitter, if you can't tell. The government is around to protect ALL people and their interests, not the few. And it seems that not only are people not informed about what this bill really means, they probably don't care. WHERE ARE THE EDUCATED AND INFORMED? Oh yea, in Durham, Wake and Orange counties who did the right thing and voted against it. But the rest of the state? God help us if they are fully capable of being manipulated by SuperPacs and conservative think tanks who deliberately deceive in the quest for power and corruption. And you know what this reminds me of? The Early Church with the Jews hating the Gentiles and the ridiculous steps they made the Gentiles take to be "truly Christ followers." Circumcision, dietary customs, etcetc aka become Jewish was how to be acceptable in the eyes of the Jewish Christians.
And Paul fought for the Gentiles rights to be culturally different. And counseled for the Gentiles to heap burning coals over those self-righteous Jews' heads. Who sustained the Jewish church through famine and recession? Who sent them alms, money, support, friendship? Yup, that's right. The Gentile Church- despite the adversity and hate from Jewish Christian bigots. The Gentiles showed mercy and grace when it probably should have been the other way around. But that's how God likes to work. The victims become the means of God's love. And so "liberals" or whatever you want to call the anti Conservative Moral value Republican movement that seeks to harm gays, immigrants, those who don't conform to their views of morality and who are 'culturally different', start the heaping of burning coals. There's a lot of hate and prejudice to overcome in people's hearts and minds.
It's so unjust. Families that already have to work for approval from social outlets now have the full force of government behind making their lives harder. No more benefits for spouses or children of their partners- who if they are not of their blood, probably won't be covered any more by villainous insurance companies. Heaven forbid that a child from two same sex parents has any extensive health problems, because now thanks to this law, the insurance company maybe able to drop them off coverage.
Not to mention that battered women might not be able to protect themselves and their children from their abusive but not legal married partners. Not your husband, hunny, we the law can't do anything about your problems, have fun being beaten to a pulp [it's your own fault sweetie is what also society says to the poor woman. BIG FAT LIE]. And no civil unions! Sorry if you don't believe in marriage, no legal protection or benefits for your partner because marriage is what's important. You want to leave all your money to the person you spent 50 plus years of civil unity with? SORRY, we the state are going to take it from you because YOU WEREN"T MARRIED. So, Go, Follow in the steps of the crooked politicians who put this amendment on the ballot and marry... but please don't have a marriage like them-- who think it's okay to sleep with lobbyists and carry on extramarital affairs- because surely it's all those gay people marrying that are driving republicans to forgo their marriage vows and be unfaithful. Yea. Vote for marriage. It's the "right" thing to do. And remember marriage is for sleeping around and doing whatever the dang you want you to. Just as long as you got a certification that says man and wife.
I am a bit bitter, if you can't tell. The government is around to protect ALL people and their interests, not the few. And it seems that not only are people not informed about what this bill really means, they probably don't care. WHERE ARE THE EDUCATED AND INFORMED? Oh yea, in Durham, Wake and Orange counties who did the right thing and voted against it. But the rest of the state? God help us if they are fully capable of being manipulated by SuperPacs and conservative think tanks who deliberately deceive in the quest for power and corruption. And you know what this reminds me of? The Early Church with the Jews hating the Gentiles and the ridiculous steps they made the Gentiles take to be "truly Christ followers." Circumcision, dietary customs, etcetc aka become Jewish was how to be acceptable in the eyes of the Jewish Christians.
And Paul fought for the Gentiles rights to be culturally different. And counseled for the Gentiles to heap burning coals over those self-righteous Jews' heads. Who sustained the Jewish church through famine and recession? Who sent them alms, money, support, friendship? Yup, that's right. The Gentile Church- despite the adversity and hate from Jewish Christian bigots. The Gentiles showed mercy and grace when it probably should have been the other way around. But that's how God likes to work. The victims become the means of God's love. And so "liberals" or whatever you want to call the anti Conservative Moral value Republican movement that seeks to harm gays, immigrants, those who don't conform to their views of morality and who are 'culturally different', start the heaping of burning coals. There's a lot of hate and prejudice to overcome in people's hearts and minds.
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
Freedom in Relationships
I have a friend. A best friend in fact, whom I love, and with whom I experience complete friendship "freedom"- freedom's in quotes because it begs a definition that i hope to get to. I don't know quite how to explain the joy and pleasure from such a relationship. She's a person that I enjoy every moment I am with her and I never tire of her, yet we often go six months without speaking to each other. In terms of a normal friendship, that might qualify us as bad friends, but i don't think that's true for us. It's more a respect for the other person that we don't "need" each other for day to day, but more are there for the long run?? I don't know, no matter the time apart we pick up where we left off and it is like not a day has gone by. It's a wonderful, beautiful relationship and it works. Secretly, I think it is because we both have a bit of gypsy blood in us- we like our own time and space and like to make the most of what's in front of us. We're a little bit from the ancient tribe of wanderers and explorers. She's off and truly embodying that and, well, I got a tattoo to combat my nomadic tendencies. Yet, it's not like it's not a struggle for me to stay in one place and not have adventures. My whole existential crisis of not working hinges around my innate desires to be "free" and do what I want. More on that later. Back to describing this wonderful friendship, maybe it is so wonderful because I don't ever really think too hard about our relationship, but rather enjoy it for what it is and for the ease in which I find being with her- it's rare that that happens for me!
The only other person who I feel a similar sense of 'freedom' with is my husband. He was the second person in my life with whom I never tire of being around (usually our quabbles revolve around the opposite problem: he's not around enough) and with whom it is easy and free to be me. And I like to think that is the same the other way around. It is a great gift to have these two people in my life, simply because it is so wonderful to be in relationship with them. They challenge me and help me grow and I feel safe sharing anything with them- good, bad, ugly, beautiful. I also feel a deep sense of being known and loved by them. Even when Daniel makes me mad. Sarah has never ever made me mad nor have we ever been in a fight- there was only one instance when we had a slight scuffle about being late to a wedding seven years into our friendship... and we used to spend entire semesters together taking the same classes!!
The teacher in me now wants to give a "non-example" of a freedom giving relationship, but I think that would be unfair to those relationships I have that are hard. Relationships where I get hurt easily or do not understand the person and feel all we do is miscommunicate. I am sure, you the readership, have plenty of examples of relationships where you feel anything but freedom. And those are still valid relationships that God works through. It's just, I love it when God allows for freedom in my life- it fulfills me on some deep level that I am very grateful for. [And then there are very many relationship that fall in the middle: they are gratifying and enjoyable, but require work, mostly because of differences-which i see as a good. But the fact someone is different from me and perceives the world differently demands a certain amount of work and respect and care, but all very much worth it and enjoyable! I love my friends who are completely different personalities and have different modus operandi. We rub each other like iron sharpens iron, and well, that sometimes is as not as 'easy' as the two relationships i am talking about here. Sometimes you change to fit in more with them or I am taken aback about their perspectives on things and need time to figure those out, and that may or may not be that freeing, etc, etc. ]
And I guess I should clarify my use of freedom. There's a mutual respect, a deep understanding and love of the other person, and lack of walls and defenses that allow for rich fellowship and communion. There's automatic grace and immediate forgiveness. Trust. Love. Loyalty. Faithfulness ( as in no betrayal and no fear or worry of betrayal). I feel I am listing side effects of these relationships instead of what makes them free, but maybe it's all the same thing.
And yes, I would say I feel a great amount of freedom with my relationship with God and Jesus Christ. So much so I can go six months without daily prayer and still know that he loves me as deeply and truly as ever. Not that I'd ever ever recommend that- but you know, the thing about freedom is, that it's okay if that does happen. All those things I listed above will always always be true no matter what I do or don't do. And yes, I believe God calls us to have that type of a 'free' relationship him. No restrictions. No standards to measure up to. Just honesty and being real and sincere. A relationship that will stand the test of time, a relationship that will weather the good, bad, ugly and beautiful with loyalty, trust, love, and grace. How wonderful is that! It is so freeing to know that that is what God offers us! It's sin that gets in the way of actualizing that freedom, but that doesn't mean it isn't there. It is! Just waiting for us to call, to share, to laugh, to cry. To be. In deep communion with our Lord and Creator, Lord and Savior, Redeemer and Friend.
Amen.
P.S. It took 17 years of my life to realize Grace and enter into that kind of relationship with Christ what with growing up in the church, accepting him at 3, going to christian school, etc etc. It took the rest of my college experience to put that type of relationship to the test and to know with out a doubt that there is nothing I can do to stop God's love for me. And it's taken the 5 years post college for me to live into the harder side of that kind of relationship. To trust, to fight, to know and rest on all those promises. It has not been as easy as my relationship with my best friend or my husband, but it has been without a doubt the most important and most influential.
The only other person who I feel a similar sense of 'freedom' with is my husband. He was the second person in my life with whom I never tire of being around (usually our quabbles revolve around the opposite problem: he's not around enough) and with whom it is easy and free to be me. And I like to think that is the same the other way around. It is a great gift to have these two people in my life, simply because it is so wonderful to be in relationship with them. They challenge me and help me grow and I feel safe sharing anything with them- good, bad, ugly, beautiful. I also feel a deep sense of being known and loved by them. Even when Daniel makes me mad. Sarah has never ever made me mad nor have we ever been in a fight- there was only one instance when we had a slight scuffle about being late to a wedding seven years into our friendship... and we used to spend entire semesters together taking the same classes!!
The teacher in me now wants to give a "non-example" of a freedom giving relationship, but I think that would be unfair to those relationships I have that are hard. Relationships where I get hurt easily or do not understand the person and feel all we do is miscommunicate. I am sure, you the readership, have plenty of examples of relationships where you feel anything but freedom. And those are still valid relationships that God works through. It's just, I love it when God allows for freedom in my life- it fulfills me on some deep level that I am very grateful for. [And then there are very many relationship that fall in the middle: they are gratifying and enjoyable, but require work, mostly because of differences-which i see as a good. But the fact someone is different from me and perceives the world differently demands a certain amount of work and respect and care, but all very much worth it and enjoyable! I love my friends who are completely different personalities and have different modus operandi. We rub each other like iron sharpens iron, and well, that sometimes is as not as 'easy' as the two relationships i am talking about here. Sometimes you change to fit in more with them or I am taken aback about their perspectives on things and need time to figure those out, and that may or may not be that freeing, etc, etc. ]
And I guess I should clarify my use of freedom. There's a mutual respect, a deep understanding and love of the other person, and lack of walls and defenses that allow for rich fellowship and communion. There's automatic grace and immediate forgiveness. Trust. Love. Loyalty. Faithfulness ( as in no betrayal and no fear or worry of betrayal). I feel I am listing side effects of these relationships instead of what makes them free, but maybe it's all the same thing.
And yes, I would say I feel a great amount of freedom with my relationship with God and Jesus Christ. So much so I can go six months without daily prayer and still know that he loves me as deeply and truly as ever. Not that I'd ever ever recommend that- but you know, the thing about freedom is, that it's okay if that does happen. All those things I listed above will always always be true no matter what I do or don't do. And yes, I believe God calls us to have that type of a 'free' relationship him. No restrictions. No standards to measure up to. Just honesty and being real and sincere. A relationship that will stand the test of time, a relationship that will weather the good, bad, ugly and beautiful with loyalty, trust, love, and grace. How wonderful is that! It is so freeing to know that that is what God offers us! It's sin that gets in the way of actualizing that freedom, but that doesn't mean it isn't there. It is! Just waiting for us to call, to share, to laugh, to cry. To be. In deep communion with our Lord and Creator, Lord and Savior, Redeemer and Friend.
Amen.
P.S. It took 17 years of my life to realize Grace and enter into that kind of relationship with Christ what with growing up in the church, accepting him at 3, going to christian school, etc etc. It took the rest of my college experience to put that type of relationship to the test and to know with out a doubt that there is nothing I can do to stop God's love for me. And it's taken the 5 years post college for me to live into the harder side of that kind of relationship. To trust, to fight, to know and rest on all those promises. It has not been as easy as my relationship with my best friend or my husband, but it has been without a doubt the most important and most influential.
Monday, April 30, 2012
For the beauty of the earth
Daniel and I probably were a little nontraditional in our wedding march. I walked down the aisle to hymn versus an instrumental piece. Who knows the reasoning behind that, probably in all likeliness it was to save time and keep it simple. Presbyterian/Anglican what have you services can be long if you have this or that song of response and communion- so we kept all flourishes to a minimum. Sung two songs, said vows, exchanged rings, and got out of there to go to the after party (somewhat in that order). Whoo-hoo.
And the reason for singing this hymn? Besides it being extremely beautiful and profound? It was in "Little Women". Meg got married to this song. I loved her wedding in the film. It's only after the fact has the hymn gained in deeper spiritual meaning for me. It can without fail send me to tears. It's full of beautiful images, full of life giving images, full of God's grace. It's all to easy to get bogged down by negativity and sin and what's wrong and broken nowadays. This hymn is a reminder that there's a lot of love and grace around, too, if we care to look around us!
For the beauty of the earth,
For the beauty of the skies,
For the love which from our birth
Over and around us lies,
Lord of all, to thee we raise
This our grateful hymn of praise.
For the beauty of each hour
Of the day and of the night,
Hill and vale, and tree and flower,
Sun and moon and stars of light,
Lord of all, to thee we raise
This our grateful hymn of praise.
For the joy of human love,
Brother, sister, parent, child,
Friends on earth, and friends above,
Pleasures pure and undefiled,
Lord of all, to thee we raise
This our grateful hymn of praise.
For each perfect gift of thine,
To our race so freely given,
Graces human and divine,
Flowers of earth and buds of heaven,
Lord of all, to thee we raise
This our grateful hymn of praise.
For thy Church which evermore
Lifteth holy hands above,
Offering up on every shore
Her pure sacrifice of love,
Lord of all, to thee we raise
This our grateful hymn of praise.
For the beauty of the skies,
For the love which from our birth
Over and around us lies,
Lord of all, to thee we raise
This our grateful hymn of praise.
For the beauty of each hour
Of the day and of the night,
Hill and vale, and tree and flower,
Sun and moon and stars of light,
Lord of all, to thee we raise
This our grateful hymn of praise.
For the joy of human love,
Brother, sister, parent, child,
Friends on earth, and friends above,
Pleasures pure and undefiled,
Lord of all, to thee we raise
This our grateful hymn of praise.
For each perfect gift of thine,
To our race so freely given,
Graces human and divine,
Flowers of earth and buds of heaven,
Lord of all, to thee we raise
This our grateful hymn of praise.
For thy Church which evermore
Lifteth holy hands above,
Offering up on every shore
Her pure sacrifice of love,
Lord of all, to thee we raise
This our grateful hymn of praise.
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
My tattoo- An outward sign of an inner transformation OR Of Faith and Uncertainity
I have a tattoo of a 'x' in an inconspicuous place on my wrist, a place easily hidden by the wristband of my watch. It's a tattoo that is more for me than for any public display of attention. It's a reminder for me to always say what I mean, put my money where my mouth is, and deal with the consequences of my actions, in addition to what x symbolizes-which is a many varied thing.
It was the semester after I graduated (graduated in the winter) when I bonded with two lacrosse coaches while working my first job after college and made the "mistake" of saying, "oh i've always wanted to get a tattoo!" They each had at least three or four tattoos and so I found myself choosing a date and time to go get a tattoo, because like I said, these coaches are people who take what you say seriously and I wasn't about to back away.
Yes, I had always toyed with the idea of a tattoo, more from an ideal, romantic perspective, not a truly serious one. But when I said I'd get one, I gave it some serious thought and realized my need for follow through- i needed to leave the flakiness of my college life behind when I constantly over-committed to being in two places at once and jumped from activity to activity, friend group to friend group. I began contemplating what would I like to have permanently drawn on my body- what would be something that would last for eternity (my whole earthly life) that I would never tired of, only appreciate more with time, and not once regret.
That's a tall order. The infinity sign was out of the question because a very dear friend already had that and in no way shape or form would it be okay to copy her. So my quest for the perfect tattoo that would represent eternity continued. Being an almost math major, my mind naturally drifted to mathematical symbols and thought what if I did a limit function! As x approaches infinity something! But then that didn't really make sense mathematically because i didn't actually want an entire math function on my wrist.
I also didn't really want anything that had words or limited symbols of one language or culture. A symbol, a true symbol was what i wanted so that if aliens came to earth they would be able to interpret the symbol in their own way. I didn't want any prior knowledge necessary to limit my tattoo to a certain time or space.
That sentiment didn't exactly pan out, but I am okay with that. I finally settled on "x", a variable to represent any unknown I want it to represent. As time has progressed, the x has taken on many layers of meaning through it's simplicity. A variable that varies its meaning. A variable that represent the unknown. That represents uncertainty. A variable that can name uncertainty that somehow makes its a certainty.
Can you see what Bible verse it is leading up to? My favorite of all time: Hebrews 11:1. Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. In my quest to find the perfect tattoo, I found an important symbol to be an outward sign of a inner resolve to take the next step in life, uncertain as life is when graduating from one thing to the next.
The tattoo represents my commitment to the unknown, to uncertainty, and to my beliefs in believing despite not knowing all that will happen. That summer I read " The Shack" and while I despised its prose and the fact every sentence started the same, there were a couple lines and ideas I liked. The one line I especially liked was this, and is basically a paraphrase of Hebrews 11:1 : " Faith does not grow in the hothouse of certainty." And that line sums up well what I committed myself to that spring after graduation. I committed to hoping in what I could not see, committed to the unknown, committed to Faith that God will lead me in the right path and that I could follow and not fear. In some ways, committing to uncertainty, was going to help me commit to the rest of my life: to my first full time job, to a potential serious relationship (something I had never been able to do), to commit to growing up and taking responsibility for myself and my actions.
And all that started with committing to permanently tattooing something on my body as a lasting reminder of commitment, of follow through, of believing despite not knowing, of having Faith. And yes, sometimes I do wish I didn't have a tattoo- why would I want something I couldn't get rid of!! But that humbles me, too. And I appreciate how that drives me to humility. And believe it or not, taking a step of faith towards commitment, has helped me commit. To a job, to a husband, to a child, to God, to life, to good times and bad, and to Jesus. And for that I am thankful. It's also sort of cool that x is "chi" in greek, which is the first letter of Christ. So what I have also committed to is Christ and he has marked me as His own forever. And I have a permanent outward sign of that on an inconspicuous place on my wrist, a place I can cover up or show off. Glory be to God the father, and the son, and the holy spirit. Amen.
It was the semester after I graduated (graduated in the winter) when I bonded with two lacrosse coaches while working my first job after college and made the "mistake" of saying, "oh i've always wanted to get a tattoo!" They each had at least three or four tattoos and so I found myself choosing a date and time to go get a tattoo, because like I said, these coaches are people who take what you say seriously and I wasn't about to back away.
Yes, I had always toyed with the idea of a tattoo, more from an ideal, romantic perspective, not a truly serious one. But when I said I'd get one, I gave it some serious thought and realized my need for follow through- i needed to leave the flakiness of my college life behind when I constantly over-committed to being in two places at once and jumped from activity to activity, friend group to friend group. I began contemplating what would I like to have permanently drawn on my body- what would be something that would last for eternity (my whole earthly life) that I would never tired of, only appreciate more with time, and not once regret.
That's a tall order. The infinity sign was out of the question because a very dear friend already had that and in no way shape or form would it be okay to copy her. So my quest for the perfect tattoo that would represent eternity continued. Being an almost math major, my mind naturally drifted to mathematical symbols and thought what if I did a limit function! As x approaches infinity something! But then that didn't really make sense mathematically because i didn't actually want an entire math function on my wrist.
I also didn't really want anything that had words or limited symbols of one language or culture. A symbol, a true symbol was what i wanted so that if aliens came to earth they would be able to interpret the symbol in their own way. I didn't want any prior knowledge necessary to limit my tattoo to a certain time or space.
That sentiment didn't exactly pan out, but I am okay with that. I finally settled on "x", a variable to represent any unknown I want it to represent. As time has progressed, the x has taken on many layers of meaning through it's simplicity. A variable that varies its meaning. A variable that represent the unknown. That represents uncertainty. A variable that can name uncertainty that somehow makes its a certainty.
Can you see what Bible verse it is leading up to? My favorite of all time: Hebrews 11:1. Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. In my quest to find the perfect tattoo, I found an important symbol to be an outward sign of a inner resolve to take the next step in life, uncertain as life is when graduating from one thing to the next.
The tattoo represents my commitment to the unknown, to uncertainty, and to my beliefs in believing despite not knowing all that will happen. That summer I read " The Shack" and while I despised its prose and the fact every sentence started the same, there were a couple lines and ideas I liked. The one line I especially liked was this, and is basically a paraphrase of Hebrews 11:1 : " Faith does not grow in the hothouse of certainty." And that line sums up well what I committed myself to that spring after graduation. I committed to hoping in what I could not see, committed to the unknown, committed to Faith that God will lead me in the right path and that I could follow and not fear. In some ways, committing to uncertainty, was going to help me commit to the rest of my life: to my first full time job, to a potential serious relationship (something I had never been able to do), to commit to growing up and taking responsibility for myself and my actions.
And all that started with committing to permanently tattooing something on my body as a lasting reminder of commitment, of follow through, of believing despite not knowing, of having Faith. And yes, sometimes I do wish I didn't have a tattoo- why would I want something I couldn't get rid of!! But that humbles me, too. And I appreciate how that drives me to humility. And believe it or not, taking a step of faith towards commitment, has helped me commit. To a job, to a husband, to a child, to God, to life, to good times and bad, and to Jesus. And for that I am thankful. It's also sort of cool that x is "chi" in greek, which is the first letter of Christ. So what I have also committed to is Christ and he has marked me as His own forever. And I have a permanent outward sign of that on an inconspicuous place on my wrist, a place I can cover up or show off. Glory be to God the father, and the son, and the holy spirit. Amen.
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
A great cloud of witnesses
I love running in races. The energy of fellow runners, the masses of people behind and in front of you, and well marked course to follow with a finish line all appease something inside of me. Probably that something is some sort of attraction to challenge and senses of accomplishment. Paul had it right if he compared the challenge of the christian faith with a road race: it's hard when you are in the middle of it, pushing towards the end, but once you've reached the end- boy, is it worth it. Every race I've run, it's felt like that. In the middle, you think, what have I committed to?? But when that I cross that finish line, all the momentary troubles cease and the triumph of triumphing is what I leave with. A glorious feeling of victory.
And all the thousands that run the race with me, most likely also feel the same... why else do you run races? It's an addiction that feeling at the end of the race. That sense of accomplishment, personal victory, the overcoming, the perseverance, the endorphins pulsing in your body, all good things that come of having fought the fight to train your body and run. It does the mind, heart, body, and soul a lot of good.
What also does my heart, mind, body, and soul good is to run in a great cloud of people. It is a crazy feeling of deep community to run with other people who have made the same choice as me to run a race and see it through. I don't know their names and I don't know their paces (except as faster or slower than mine), but I am encouraged by them and that propels me forward to the end. I will probably not know their names, but something unites us- and that's cool. As all the psychologists say humans are social creatures- we need communion to feel most ourselves. And like rock concerts, football games, and races, we like to feel apart of something bigger than ourselves. That we are not alone. And a race is a way to connect in the modern age of individualism and isolation. It's a bonding thing. And it's addicting.
I've run probably on average one or two races a year since I began running my second year of college- before that I was a swimmer and had no land legs. And every race I run only makes me want to run more races. 5K, 10K, 10 Miler, half marathon, you name it and I'll probably start drooling at the thought of running one in the future. More t-shirts, more sweat, more grueling training, but more sense of accomplishment and connection. People who organize races must make a killing on all the endorphin, long distance junkies out there- because there are a lot. I just ran with about 4 thousand of them this past Saturday!
And yeah, I guess I could go so far as to say that Church bodies should be like road races: places for great communion and personal victories and grueling training. But I am not sure that is what they are or maybe they aren't suppose to be a place for those things. But maybe they are in some ways- spiritual, emotional, personal ways- less physical and outward ones. Who knows? I don't think we've reached the finish line yet!
And all the thousands that run the race with me, most likely also feel the same... why else do you run races? It's an addiction that feeling at the end of the race. That sense of accomplishment, personal victory, the overcoming, the perseverance, the endorphins pulsing in your body, all good things that come of having fought the fight to train your body and run. It does the mind, heart, body, and soul a lot of good.
What also does my heart, mind, body, and soul good is to run in a great cloud of people. It is a crazy feeling of deep community to run with other people who have made the same choice as me to run a race and see it through. I don't know their names and I don't know their paces (except as faster or slower than mine), but I am encouraged by them and that propels me forward to the end. I will probably not know their names, but something unites us- and that's cool. As all the psychologists say humans are social creatures- we need communion to feel most ourselves. And like rock concerts, football games, and races, we like to feel apart of something bigger than ourselves. That we are not alone. And a race is a way to connect in the modern age of individualism and isolation. It's a bonding thing. And it's addicting.
I've run probably on average one or two races a year since I began running my second year of college- before that I was a swimmer and had no land legs. And every race I run only makes me want to run more races. 5K, 10K, 10 Miler, half marathon, you name it and I'll probably start drooling at the thought of running one in the future. More t-shirts, more sweat, more grueling training, but more sense of accomplishment and connection. People who organize races must make a killing on all the endorphin, long distance junkies out there- because there are a lot. I just ran with about 4 thousand of them this past Saturday!
And yeah, I guess I could go so far as to say that Church bodies should be like road races: places for great communion and personal victories and grueling training. But I am not sure that is what they are or maybe they aren't suppose to be a place for those things. But maybe they are in some ways- spiritual, emotional, personal ways- less physical and outward ones. Who knows? I don't think we've reached the finish line yet!
Thursday, April 19, 2012
An Unquiet Mind
is a book by Dr. Kay Jamison, who not only wrote the psychology textbook on manic depressive bipolar disorder, but suffers from the mental illness as well. I recently read this book as a family member has been recently diagnosed with this mental illness. In hopes of us better understanding what she is going through, she recommended this book as a way to peer into her world of bipolarism. I found the text absolutely fascinating, less because of the mental illness, but more due to the remarkable life of Kay Jamison and the interesting themes presented in her autobiography. In the midst of all her madness and depression and mania, there was a underlying current of love, hope, strength, and even faith that made it inspirational and enjoyable to read- though religion never made it into any expository form. I appreciate the way that she tried very hard to point out the triumphs and advantages of her illness, not only the dark times. That balance of the good and the bad made the book helpful and posed very good questions for self reflection about how our culture perceives mental illnesses.
In my personal life, I have had limited exposure to mental illness until recently. My grandmother is mentally ill, but I don't know much about her situation- just that it has been hard and painful. Now that my sister in law has been diagnosed with bipolarism, I am beginning to see the effects of the disease more closely. It's interesting the lines you feel like you have to walk and they aren't easy and often confusing and the feelings of helplessness and uncertainty are astounding. You know they are 'sick', but how much do you let them make their own choices and lead their own life and how much do you second guess them? The memoir was somewhat helpful in its basic reiteration that manic-depressives should not get off lithum, but that more help, like psychotherapy, is needed, not just medication. But any more insight beyond that was limited. You basically hope the person makes a choice to stay on their meds and doesn't let the mania or the depression overtake their life.
Which bring me to the question what is the connection between faith and mental illness? I am a big proponent of working with the physical, biological world as well as the spiritual world to stay on top of it all. I also am of the belief there is a strong connection between the mind, heart, body, soul, and spirit. Get anyone of them out of whack and there are repercussions in the other areas. Yet at the same time, depression and spirituality feel linked. I cannot recall all the spiritual memoirs, there have been many, where I've read that many spiritual "greats" suffered one way or the other with depression or a mental illness. In a book that may be called "Messy Christianity," (I can't remember the exact title), there was a story of a women who was revered in her community as a great and faithful prayer warrior, yet, when interviewed she admitted to struggling with severe depression. King David is often given as an example of a manic depressive person in the Bible with his psalms as proof of high highs, and low lows. So to be a Christian does not mean you are opted out of suffering a mental illness- just like you aren't guaranteed prosperity, health, and what ever else "good" people are supposed to have. Just what does it mean to have a mental illness and a strong spiritual life?
What I wish I knew more about is the relationship and tension between a relationship with Christ and depression. Thankfully, it is easier to come out in the church that you are struggling with depression in this post baby boom world. I know post college, post marriage I have struggled a lot to find 'the joy of the Lord' that once I felt was a trademark of my personality. I think of lot of that had to with emotional and physical stress I often put on myself. Experiencing 4 or 5 major life stressors all at once IS NOT a good idea. Try to space out moving to a new city, starting a new job, getting married, and getting pregnant as much as possible- your mental sanity will thank you for it. And unlike, what Dr. Jamison experienced in her periods of depression, I knew that what was happening was due to things outside of me, not a "darkness within." But at the same time, I can identify with dealing with feeling like there was a weight or darkness placed upon my soul.
I once blamed the place I lived and environment can play into it. Dr. Jamison in her book made a strong case that her change of environment (from the East to the West coast) played a large part of her illness manifesting itself- for her and for her father. Now though I think a lot of my struggle to have joy/find meaning/ feel good has to do with the physical stress on my body during pregnancy. My neighbor down the street goes through the same thing when pregnant. She went as far to say that she thought her life and her marriage were falling apart until she realized it was just how she felt when she was pregnant. Once she wasn't pregnant, she bounced back and found joy and contentment in her life. It's great to know I am not alone in feeling like this! And I also appreciate knowing there is a time limit to my feeling down and going through a hard time, mentally and physically, but at the same time, it doesn't make the journey any easier. And in no way shape or form have I lost my faith or truly doubted during my downs. Yes, I felt frustrated, I've asked why? I've shaken my fist in anger and maybe resentment, but I've not really doubted. Just tried to get through it.
And where was/is God in all this? I sort of take the approach that He's where He's always been. Just because he doesn't feel close, doesn't mean he isn't. He is the same, yesterday, and tomorrow. Even though, I am changing and growing or un-growing or what ever it is i am going through, He promises are still true. And I can trust that. And trust that it doesn't depend on me feeling good and happy, it only matters that God works in all things. That He'll be there at the end of the road, waiting to take my burdens and my tears and give me a crown of glory. Sometimes I don't think it matters what you do on the journey, only that you make it. Stick with it. Like Jacob who became Israel- he who wrestles- and who wrestles out a blessing, nonetheless.
And who ever said the journey was going to be easy, mentally healthy or not?
SIDENOTES:
I have always loved learning about the brain. Probably 75 percent of why I became a teacher was due to my fascination with how adolescent brains work, and more importantly how they learn (or don't learn as i found out teaching the population I taught for my first two years). In another life, I'll probably want to take the same life course that Dr. Jamison did: get a BS, then a PHD in psychology and spend my life researching functioning and non-functioning brains.
Even in my master's in foreign language program was heavy on studying the brain- or more specifically how does the brain change when learning a second language. Wernecke's area and Broca's anyone?
In my professional life, there have always been at least 2 or 3 kids per class that struggle with either a learning disability, an emotional behavioral disorder, or something else that has allowed them an IEP to get extra help. One girl in one of my high school Algebra classes straight up told me on the first day of class that she was bipolar like it was a warning that I should prepare myself for difficult interaction. Amazingly, she was always perfectly lovely in my class and did well. EBD kids were the ones that would walk into the classroom and I had about 5 seconds to diffuse the situations before desks started to fly- those were intense, but I grew proud of the way we learned to handle it. "let's forget about what happen outside and do some math; i don't know what happend to make you upset, but let's put it behind us and move on, " was my approach that usually was successful. These Special Ed kids have always been a favorite of mine to teach. Why? The highs (gains) are higher and the lows lower. I have always had a soft spot for the underdogs and special ed kids have to overcome a lot more than the average kid to succeed. When they do, it's one of the those moments that make life worth all the work- that make teaching so rewarding.
There are many questions to explore about healthy brains, unhealthy brains, spirituality, and Christianity- maybe one day I'll delve into them a bit more! I can dream ...
In my personal life, I have had limited exposure to mental illness until recently. My grandmother is mentally ill, but I don't know much about her situation- just that it has been hard and painful. Now that my sister in law has been diagnosed with bipolarism, I am beginning to see the effects of the disease more closely. It's interesting the lines you feel like you have to walk and they aren't easy and often confusing and the feelings of helplessness and uncertainty are astounding. You know they are 'sick', but how much do you let them make their own choices and lead their own life and how much do you second guess them? The memoir was somewhat helpful in its basic reiteration that manic-depressives should not get off lithum, but that more help, like psychotherapy, is needed, not just medication. But any more insight beyond that was limited. You basically hope the person makes a choice to stay on their meds and doesn't let the mania or the depression overtake their life.
Which bring me to the question what is the connection between faith and mental illness? I am a big proponent of working with the physical, biological world as well as the spiritual world to stay on top of it all. I also am of the belief there is a strong connection between the mind, heart, body, soul, and spirit. Get anyone of them out of whack and there are repercussions in the other areas. Yet at the same time, depression and spirituality feel linked. I cannot recall all the spiritual memoirs, there have been many, where I've read that many spiritual "greats" suffered one way or the other with depression or a mental illness. In a book that may be called "Messy Christianity," (I can't remember the exact title), there was a story of a women who was revered in her community as a great and faithful prayer warrior, yet, when interviewed she admitted to struggling with severe depression. King David is often given as an example of a manic depressive person in the Bible with his psalms as proof of high highs, and low lows. So to be a Christian does not mean you are opted out of suffering a mental illness- just like you aren't guaranteed prosperity, health, and what ever else "good" people are supposed to have. Just what does it mean to have a mental illness and a strong spiritual life?
What I wish I knew more about is the relationship and tension between a relationship with Christ and depression. Thankfully, it is easier to come out in the church that you are struggling with depression in this post baby boom world. I know post college, post marriage I have struggled a lot to find 'the joy of the Lord' that once I felt was a trademark of my personality. I think of lot of that had to with emotional and physical stress I often put on myself. Experiencing 4 or 5 major life stressors all at once IS NOT a good idea. Try to space out moving to a new city, starting a new job, getting married, and getting pregnant as much as possible- your mental sanity will thank you for it. And unlike, what Dr. Jamison experienced in her periods of depression, I knew that what was happening was due to things outside of me, not a "darkness within." But at the same time, I can identify with dealing with feeling like there was a weight or darkness placed upon my soul.
I once blamed the place I lived and environment can play into it. Dr. Jamison in her book made a strong case that her change of environment (from the East to the West coast) played a large part of her illness manifesting itself- for her and for her father. Now though I think a lot of my struggle to have joy/find meaning/ feel good has to do with the physical stress on my body during pregnancy. My neighbor down the street goes through the same thing when pregnant. She went as far to say that she thought her life and her marriage were falling apart until she realized it was just how she felt when she was pregnant. Once she wasn't pregnant, she bounced back and found joy and contentment in her life. It's great to know I am not alone in feeling like this! And I also appreciate knowing there is a time limit to my feeling down and going through a hard time, mentally and physically, but at the same time, it doesn't make the journey any easier. And in no way shape or form have I lost my faith or truly doubted during my downs. Yes, I felt frustrated, I've asked why? I've shaken my fist in anger and maybe resentment, but I've not really doubted. Just tried to get through it.
And where was/is God in all this? I sort of take the approach that He's where He's always been. Just because he doesn't feel close, doesn't mean he isn't. He is the same, yesterday, and tomorrow. Even though, I am changing and growing or un-growing or what ever it is i am going through, He promises are still true. And I can trust that. And trust that it doesn't depend on me feeling good and happy, it only matters that God works in all things. That He'll be there at the end of the road, waiting to take my burdens and my tears and give me a crown of glory. Sometimes I don't think it matters what you do on the journey, only that you make it. Stick with it. Like Jacob who became Israel- he who wrestles- and who wrestles out a blessing, nonetheless.
And who ever said the journey was going to be easy, mentally healthy or not?
SIDENOTES:
I have always loved learning about the brain. Probably 75 percent of why I became a teacher was due to my fascination with how adolescent brains work, and more importantly how they learn (or don't learn as i found out teaching the population I taught for my first two years). In another life, I'll probably want to take the same life course that Dr. Jamison did: get a BS, then a PHD in psychology and spend my life researching functioning and non-functioning brains.
Even in my master's in foreign language program was heavy on studying the brain- or more specifically how does the brain change when learning a second language. Wernecke's area and Broca's anyone?
In my professional life, there have always been at least 2 or 3 kids per class that struggle with either a learning disability, an emotional behavioral disorder, or something else that has allowed them an IEP to get extra help. One girl in one of my high school Algebra classes straight up told me on the first day of class that she was bipolar like it was a warning that I should prepare myself for difficult interaction. Amazingly, she was always perfectly lovely in my class and did well. EBD kids were the ones that would walk into the classroom and I had about 5 seconds to diffuse the situations before desks started to fly- those were intense, but I grew proud of the way we learned to handle it. "let's forget about what happen outside and do some math; i don't know what happend to make you upset, but let's put it behind us and move on, " was my approach that usually was successful. These Special Ed kids have always been a favorite of mine to teach. Why? The highs (gains) are higher and the lows lower. I have always had a soft spot for the underdogs and special ed kids have to overcome a lot more than the average kid to succeed. When they do, it's one of the those moments that make life worth all the work- that make teaching so rewarding.
There are many questions to explore about healthy brains, unhealthy brains, spirituality, and Christianity- maybe one day I'll delve into them a bit more! I can dream ...
My favorite poetic/mysterious/ponderific bible verses
Last night when I couldn't sleep (Daniel was gone on business and i am pregnant both of which increase my chances of a shoddy night of sleep), I mulled over some of my favorite poetic bible verses.
Verses that puzzle me because they're a bit mysterious in their meaning. I imagined, in my quest for sleep, that if I ever became a reclusive spiritual guru in the mountains, these would probably be the mysterious words of wisdom I would give anyone who came to me looking for answers to their life problems.
In no particular order they are(and feel free to go on a bible verse treasure hunt to find the references, I am writing them by memory, btw; and they are mostly likely niv since that's what i memorized in my christian school educated childhood):
1. "Wisdom is proved right by her children."
2. "Cast your bread upon the waters, for after many days you will find it again. "
3. "Whether a tree falls to the north or the south, there it will lie. "
4. "When a cloud is full of water, it rains down upon the earth. "
5. "No sign will be given but the sign of Jonah."
6. "Not so the wicked! They are like chaff that the wind blows away."
I love these verses. Maybe because they are vague, or not so vague. Or maybe because of the strong poetic images or maybe it's the myriad of ways they can be applied or mulled over. Took me a long time to figure out what the sign of jonah was ( and it's not just/only/really three days in the belly of a whale).
What are your favorite verses that make you smile, think, see the world in a new kind of metaphor?
Verses that puzzle me because they're a bit mysterious in their meaning. I imagined, in my quest for sleep, that if I ever became a reclusive spiritual guru in the mountains, these would probably be the mysterious words of wisdom I would give anyone who came to me looking for answers to their life problems.
In no particular order they are(and feel free to go on a bible verse treasure hunt to find the references, I am writing them by memory, btw; and they are mostly likely niv since that's what i memorized in my christian school educated childhood):
1. "Wisdom is proved right by her children."
2. "Cast your bread upon the waters, for after many days you will find it again. "
3. "Whether a tree falls to the north or the south, there it will lie. "
4. "When a cloud is full of water, it rains down upon the earth. "
5. "No sign will be given but the sign of Jonah."
6. "Not so the wicked! They are like chaff that the wind blows away."
I love these verses. Maybe because they are vague, or not so vague. Or maybe because of the strong poetic images or maybe it's the myriad of ways they can be applied or mulled over. Took me a long time to figure out what the sign of jonah was ( and it's not just/only/really three days in the belly of a whale).
What are your favorite verses that make you smile, think, see the world in a new kind of metaphor?
Monday, April 16, 2012
Day 8 (a post easter countdown)- The Culture of Shame or The Search for Beauty
NPR recently aired a "This American Life" on the Ten Commandments. While, as always, thought provoking and amusing, their piece on commandment 7 touched a raw nerve. For this segment, they talked to a guy who grew up in an Evangelical church about his struggle with trying to never have a lustful thought.
My blood boiled listening to it. He and his childhood friend talked about never looking at a girl or thinking of them only having heads and mostly, trying to avoid them at all costs. Their need to obey the law of Christ to not commit adultery was imperative. And so they went through high school and college trying to never come into contact them. WTH?
Oh, lasting effects of Puritanism where women are evil, temptations, objects to be avoided. NOT HUMANS!?!!?!? Seriously, brought up the baggage of my slow realization in college about how Christian guys can treat girls. And honestly, I am so thankful that I made friends with non Christian guys who treated well enough to undo all the complexes that my christian guys "friends" gave me. Thank goodness, there are guys out there that know how to treat girls normally in college or at least treat us as worthy and capable of good conversation, hang out time, good times, and friendship. We are not all on the husband hunt or trying to seduce, fyi.
And that is my beef with Puritanism, Evangelical male teachings on lust, and this whole drive for Christian guys to band together against the fight against lust: it makes not so great brothers in Christ. And I think the way Christian guys treat girls are somewhat responsible for making girls crazy and provocative. Girls need male attention ( it's a curse from Genesis 3), so if they don't get in positive ways, they'll get it negatively. GRRRR.There are ways to harness pent up sexual tension in more healthy ways- there just has to be!!
That's why I wish America in general was not so prude and a little more European(French) in its appreciation of beauty and the female body. Not to say that everything is perfect with how European males view women*, but to me, it is a way more healthy interaction on my end in my feminine perspective. I'm not something to be kicked to the curb in the pursuit of godliness, but welcomed as a pleasure in life. Beauty is pleasing and a gift. The French [seem to] understand that better than any other culture.
In Europe, there's a feeling that a women's beauty is embraced, celebrated, and appreciated- not avoided, spurned, and subtly destroyed. Yep, women go topless on beaches, and it's not weird or highly sexualized as it would be in America. Why can a bunch of women go topless and not cause a stampede of indignation in Europe, but not in America? I think it is how they appreciate and expose the female body from a very young age.
True story: when I was in France with a relative during high school, we stayed with her sister's family. As I read everything, I read the kid's weekly newsletter and it had this anagram game. You know the one where a picture of a bee represents the sound 'b'. Well, what do you know but one of this picture games had a drawing of a naked female breast. In a newsletter for 7 year old french kids. When I, in shock, pointed it out to the host family, they started to solve the puzzle for me and didn't understand at all about what I was concerned. My objection went completely over their heads: they couldn't contemplate why I would have a problem with a naked breast on the cover of a kid's publication.
Add all the art of naked women, all the statues, paintings, what have you, and the sight of a female breast probably doesn't phase the French or European as it would Americans. So yeah, I think maybe we should expose our kids more to the female breast in neutral ways NOT only sexualized ways, and maybe we wouldn't have as many crazed, lustful men out there. Just a thought. Maybe we wouldn't have girls asking for attention in so many negative ways, too, because their male peers would treat them better and know how to treat them and not sexualize them. WHOA. What about that? Not sexualizing the human body? Adam and Eve were naked in the garden and cool with it. Why can't we be cool with other people being naked? WHY WHY WHY?
The answer is of course the Devil who distorts all good things to his demented pleasures. He wants guys living in shame for what their bodies do and he wants girls living in shame for just having a body. If only we could only remember Haymitch's words to Katniss in the second hunger games books: "remember who the real enemy is." Men: women and their beauty and their bodies are not the enemy. Women: your bodies are not the enemy! Your body is beautiful. I wished wished wished we lived in a world where we, women, heard that loud and clear and true.
It took me living in Europe, took non christian guy friends, prayer, a deeper relationship with God to get through my body issues. And now, I really don't ever feeling like "shutting off" my "beauty" - which I definitely think there is pressure to do in order to be a perfect Christian modest women. I don't buy it. I lived my adolescence trying to hide and cover up so I wouldn't be a 'stumbling block' and you know what, it was restrictive, repressing, not edifying nor Life giving. So I don't think that is what God has for me. And if a brother stumbles, well, it's his old dang fault. Go hang out at a topless beach in the south of france, go to the art museum and stare at all those statues of goddesses, do what ever you have to in order to appreciate the female form as something of beauty and not a lustful, sexual object. Because that is not what women are all about. Yes, we are not just bodies, not just for sex or lust, men, contrary to a lot of beliefs. There is more to us that really should be what draws us together... and it should be the same things that draw men together: our common bonds of humanity.
And yes, beauty is what a huge part of what a woman is- no matter what she looks like. The essence of woman is beautiful. It is how God created us. It is at the core of who we are, no matter our dress size, facial features, education, graciousness or lack there of. And it is often hidden, misdirected, destroyed, and abused- by men and women. And I think that is a far worse sin than lust.
So what would I say to all those pastors out there counseling men who struggle with sexual sins? Besides, desensitize yourself to the female form and start thinking in more european terms of sexuality? Pursue women as sisters of Christ. Befriend them. Share your struggles with them. Let them share their struggles with you. And I think you will find the common enemy Satan bested. Males need female perspectives and vice versa. Nothing will happen if males stay in their male boxes with other males and don't have to interact with the "other" in this case, Females. Same goes for females, though we have been working out our struggles without male help for a lot longer out of necessity rather than choice. I'm serious, positive female interaction in non sexual contexts will help. Learning women, any woman, are their sisters, no matter what they are wearing should help. Gender struggles should be more out in the open!!! Not in puritan segregated female and male boxes. If anything, [straight] males need to ask forgiveness of females because that who they are also sinning against with their sexual sins, but do they ever ask for forgiveness? Nope. Probably because of all that subconscious training that women are sub-class humans and not worthy of one. (ok,ok, going a bit too far there, but would love to hear the reasoning why men should not confess to women their sins against them. if every guy had to confess to a girl in the congregation about their sexual sin, don't you think they'd think twice about committing one in the future... yes, i am using shame as a motivator here, but the good conscious kind that makes you better and heals, not hurts you). Oh, well, one day, maybe...Lord, help us and have mercy!
*As much as I think the European male perspective on the female body is a lot healthier for a women's mental health, there are lots of other European male gender views I do not agree with. Nor do I think E. males are any less sex driven- men are men. And women are still very much treated as lesser equals and as having predetermined gender roles to a greater extent in Europe than the US. The lack of opportunities for young girls to play sports is an example of this mindset that I don't agree with and that I think America gets right. It's the idea that women are more comfortable in their bodies and being beautiful that I admire- that freedom to be a woman and to be appreciated for what that entails is what I wish Americans embraced more. And the fact men encourage that attitude ( no matter their motives). I think a mixture of the two perspectives is what would be ideal: equal and beautiful. not unequal and something to ignore/avoid/exploit.
** I love people watching, especially at the beach. Last week at the beach, there was an eighty year old woman in a string bikini and my heart leaped for joy. "there's a woman comfortable with her beautiful body, wrinkles, sagging muscles, and all," I thought to myself. And more women need to feel that freedom to walk around in string bikinis and be okay with their body and beauty. Every woman is beautiful. The more different looking the better. Every woman's beauty is a unique reflection of God's beauty- so let it shine!
If only that was the world we lived in! Most women are stuck with eating disorders, depression, low self esteem, and what have you because we don't know how to handle the beauty that God has given us. Dear God, come redeem us women! Break free our bounds and let us shine forth with all that you have given us. Release us from Satan's grasp. Let us embrace our bodies as you embrace the Church and call her perfect despite imperfections. May we treat ourselves and others rightly. May we know and understand that we will stand before you naked and you will find us worthy and beautiful. In your name, Jesus, Amen.
My blood boiled listening to it. He and his childhood friend talked about never looking at a girl or thinking of them only having heads and mostly, trying to avoid them at all costs. Their need to obey the law of Christ to not commit adultery was imperative. And so they went through high school and college trying to never come into contact them. WTH?
Oh, lasting effects of Puritanism where women are evil, temptations, objects to be avoided. NOT HUMANS!?!!?!? Seriously, brought up the baggage of my slow realization in college about how Christian guys can treat girls. And honestly, I am so thankful that I made friends with non Christian guys who treated well enough to undo all the complexes that my christian guys "friends" gave me. Thank goodness, there are guys out there that know how to treat girls normally in college or at least treat us as worthy and capable of good conversation, hang out time, good times, and friendship. We are not all on the husband hunt or trying to seduce, fyi.
And that is my beef with Puritanism, Evangelical male teachings on lust, and this whole drive for Christian guys to band together against the fight against lust: it makes not so great brothers in Christ. And I think the way Christian guys treat girls are somewhat responsible for making girls crazy and provocative. Girls need male attention ( it's a curse from Genesis 3), so if they don't get in positive ways, they'll get it negatively. GRRRR.There are ways to harness pent up sexual tension in more healthy ways- there just has to be!!
That's why I wish America in general was not so prude and a little more European(French) in its appreciation of beauty and the female body. Not to say that everything is perfect with how European males view women*, but to me, it is a way more healthy interaction on my end in my feminine perspective. I'm not something to be kicked to the curb in the pursuit of godliness, but welcomed as a pleasure in life. Beauty is pleasing and a gift. The French [seem to] understand that better than any other culture.
In Europe, there's a feeling that a women's beauty is embraced, celebrated, and appreciated- not avoided, spurned, and subtly destroyed. Yep, women go topless on beaches, and it's not weird or highly sexualized as it would be in America. Why can a bunch of women go topless and not cause a stampede of indignation in Europe, but not in America? I think it is how they appreciate and expose the female body from a very young age.
True story: when I was in France with a relative during high school, we stayed with her sister's family. As I read everything, I read the kid's weekly newsletter and it had this anagram game. You know the one where a picture of a bee represents the sound 'b'. Well, what do you know but one of this picture games had a drawing of a naked female breast. In a newsletter for 7 year old french kids. When I, in shock, pointed it out to the host family, they started to solve the puzzle for me and didn't understand at all about what I was concerned. My objection went completely over their heads: they couldn't contemplate why I would have a problem with a naked breast on the cover of a kid's publication.
Add all the art of naked women, all the statues, paintings, what have you, and the sight of a female breast probably doesn't phase the French or European as it would Americans. So yeah, I think maybe we should expose our kids more to the female breast in neutral ways NOT only sexualized ways, and maybe we wouldn't have as many crazed, lustful men out there. Just a thought. Maybe we wouldn't have girls asking for attention in so many negative ways, too, because their male peers would treat them better and know how to treat them and not sexualize them. WHOA. What about that? Not sexualizing the human body? Adam and Eve were naked in the garden and cool with it. Why can't we be cool with other people being naked? WHY WHY WHY?
The answer is of course the Devil who distorts all good things to his demented pleasures. He wants guys living in shame for what their bodies do and he wants girls living in shame for just having a body. If only we could only remember Haymitch's words to Katniss in the second hunger games books: "remember who the real enemy is." Men: women and their beauty and their bodies are not the enemy. Women: your bodies are not the enemy! Your body is beautiful. I wished wished wished we lived in a world where we, women, heard that loud and clear and true.
It took me living in Europe, took non christian guy friends, prayer, a deeper relationship with God to get through my body issues. And now, I really don't ever feeling like "shutting off" my "beauty" - which I definitely think there is pressure to do in order to be a perfect Christian modest women. I don't buy it. I lived my adolescence trying to hide and cover up so I wouldn't be a 'stumbling block' and you know what, it was restrictive, repressing, not edifying nor Life giving. So I don't think that is what God has for me. And if a brother stumbles, well, it's his old dang fault. Go hang out at a topless beach in the south of france, go to the art museum and stare at all those statues of goddesses, do what ever you have to in order to appreciate the female form as something of beauty and not a lustful, sexual object. Because that is not what women are all about. Yes, we are not just bodies, not just for sex or lust, men, contrary to a lot of beliefs. There is more to us that really should be what draws us together... and it should be the same things that draw men together: our common bonds of humanity.
And yes, beauty is what a huge part of what a woman is- no matter what she looks like. The essence of woman is beautiful. It is how God created us. It is at the core of who we are, no matter our dress size, facial features, education, graciousness or lack there of. And it is often hidden, misdirected, destroyed, and abused- by men and women. And I think that is a far worse sin than lust.
So what would I say to all those pastors out there counseling men who struggle with sexual sins? Besides, desensitize yourself to the female form and start thinking in more european terms of sexuality? Pursue women as sisters of Christ. Befriend them. Share your struggles with them. Let them share their struggles with you. And I think you will find the common enemy Satan bested. Males need female perspectives and vice versa. Nothing will happen if males stay in their male boxes with other males and don't have to interact with the "other" in this case, Females. Same goes for females, though we have been working out our struggles without male help for a lot longer out of necessity rather than choice. I'm serious, positive female interaction in non sexual contexts will help. Learning women, any woman, are their sisters, no matter what they are wearing should help. Gender struggles should be more out in the open!!! Not in puritan segregated female and male boxes. If anything, [straight] males need to ask forgiveness of females because that who they are also sinning against with their sexual sins, but do they ever ask for forgiveness? Nope. Probably because of all that subconscious training that women are sub-class humans and not worthy of one. (ok,ok, going a bit too far there, but would love to hear the reasoning why men should not confess to women their sins against them. if every guy had to confess to a girl in the congregation about their sexual sin, don't you think they'd think twice about committing one in the future... yes, i am using shame as a motivator here, but the good conscious kind that makes you better and heals, not hurts you). Oh, well, one day, maybe...Lord, help us and have mercy!
*As much as I think the European male perspective on the female body is a lot healthier for a women's mental health, there are lots of other European male gender views I do not agree with. Nor do I think E. males are any less sex driven- men are men. And women are still very much treated as lesser equals and as having predetermined gender roles to a greater extent in Europe than the US. The lack of opportunities for young girls to play sports is an example of this mindset that I don't agree with and that I think America gets right. It's the idea that women are more comfortable in their bodies and being beautiful that I admire- that freedom to be a woman and to be appreciated for what that entails is what I wish Americans embraced more. And the fact men encourage that attitude ( no matter their motives). I think a mixture of the two perspectives is what would be ideal: equal and beautiful. not unequal and something to ignore/avoid/exploit.
** I love people watching, especially at the beach. Last week at the beach, there was an eighty year old woman in a string bikini and my heart leaped for joy. "there's a woman comfortable with her beautiful body, wrinkles, sagging muscles, and all," I thought to myself. And more women need to feel that freedom to walk around in string bikinis and be okay with their body and beauty. Every woman is beautiful. The more different looking the better. Every woman's beauty is a unique reflection of God's beauty- so let it shine!
If only that was the world we lived in! Most women are stuck with eating disorders, depression, low self esteem, and what have you because we don't know how to handle the beauty that God has given us. Dear God, come redeem us women! Break free our bounds and let us shine forth with all that you have given us. Release us from Satan's grasp. Let us embrace our bodies as you embrace the Church and call her perfect despite imperfections. May we treat ourselves and others rightly. May we know and understand that we will stand before you naked and you will find us worthy and beautiful. In your name, Jesus, Amen.
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Day 93- Shoe Addict
Today, I got my spring splurge in the mail: two new pairs of of wonderfully beautiful shoes. After giving away my red toms last year (why oh why did I do that?) and see them everywhere (seriously everyone has a pair of red toms,.I bought mine on my honeymoon in 2009!), I've moved on to the new hit shoe, the French Bensimon. So excited to wear them. I also bought a pair of boat shoes. Not for any particular reason, I am probably 8 years behind that trend- fondly remember my roommates wearing sperrys (and mine are not sperry's!).Why did I buy them, then? To get free shipping and to have another pair of shoes.
I am a shoe person. I love my shoes. Have way too many of them, too, but miss any pair of shoes I give away. Why? Because they tell my story. ( Pink Saucony's where oh where did you go? I love you so! I am so sorry I gave you away!). Some people scrapbook, some people have tons of photos on Facebook, some people collect spoons or knickknacks, I have shoes. Shoes are how I remember my life. I fondly remember the shoes I wore in Italy, in France, in Hawaii. Shoes I wore in college and post college, to this wedding and that. I love thinking back on all those adventures. Hiking the Na Pali Coast in Chacos (not a good idea). Buying super comfy sandals at the Trastevere or Porta Portese market in Rome. My life is chronicled by the different shoes I wore in any given season. And in any given season, there are only a couple pairs of shoes I wear. I said I love my shoes, so I love them. Wear them until they are disgusting looking and worn out (sorry, black converses, it's almost time for you to go, even though I'll remember wearing you every dress down day at my first teaching job). Why did I give those snake skin flats away from H&M ( oh yeah, they were a bit too big and students would make fun of me for wearing them saying I was too loud in the hall way clack clack clacking... oh teaching in high school...).
It might be strange to store memories in pairs of shoes, but what can you do? I am who I am. And I am a person can't resist a good pair of shoes. I still have a pair of heels I bought in New York at Century 21 when I had my first job away from home over 10 years ago. They sort of signify my coming into adulthood and growing autonomy. I will probably have my cowboy boots and riding boots that I bought with one of my first paychecks for forever; a) because I sank a whole lot of money into them and b) they marked the transition from dependence on my parents to independence and dependence on myself. Who I have been and who I am becoming are shown through my shoe purchases. I might be hitting a dead horse with these examples, but they all show that shoes some how relate to my identity. I remember who I am or how I've grown through the different shoes I've worn.
For me it's shoes, for God, it's people. God chronicles himself and his stories through people. The most obvious ones are found in the Bible. God chooses to remember what He has done throughout the ages, Who He Is, through people. We know God, we remember God, through his interactions with different people. Starting with Adam and Eve, Noah, Abraham, and unto David, Solomon, the prophets, then Jesus, the disciples, Paul, and finally, us. God chooses to make himself known through us, his people. We are all being amassed into one huge collective shoe closet to sing his praises and to remember all that he has done, does, and will do.
And I don't know if that comforts you in any way, especially since he works in us in very different ways, just like there are very different types of shoes out there. Some of us are work boots, some of us are fancy heels, or comfortable slippers, or sandals, tennis shoes, you name it. Our story is different from one to the next. But one thing that is the same, we are all His. And He remembers us and chooses us to play a specific role in His story. We are for His glory, His memory, His love. So just remember, you serve a purpose, one that is practical and one that is for pleasure. Just like my new pairs of shoes. So enjoy the journey. God is working in you! He is marking you as his own and will remember you all the days of his life. Amen.
I am a shoe person. I love my shoes. Have way too many of them, too, but miss any pair of shoes I give away. Why? Because they tell my story. ( Pink Saucony's where oh where did you go? I love you so! I am so sorry I gave you away!). Some people scrapbook, some people have tons of photos on Facebook, some people collect spoons or knickknacks, I have shoes. Shoes are how I remember my life. I fondly remember the shoes I wore in Italy, in France, in Hawaii. Shoes I wore in college and post college, to this wedding and that. I love thinking back on all those adventures. Hiking the Na Pali Coast in Chacos (not a good idea). Buying super comfy sandals at the Trastevere or Porta Portese market in Rome. My life is chronicled by the different shoes I wore in any given season. And in any given season, there are only a couple pairs of shoes I wear. I said I love my shoes, so I love them. Wear them until they are disgusting looking and worn out (sorry, black converses, it's almost time for you to go, even though I'll remember wearing you every dress down day at my first teaching job). Why did I give those snake skin flats away from H&M ( oh yeah, they were a bit too big and students would make fun of me for wearing them saying I was too loud in the hall way clack clack clacking... oh teaching in high school...).
It might be strange to store memories in pairs of shoes, but what can you do? I am who I am. And I am a person can't resist a good pair of shoes. I still have a pair of heels I bought in New York at Century 21 when I had my first job away from home over 10 years ago. They sort of signify my coming into adulthood and growing autonomy. I will probably have my cowboy boots and riding boots that I bought with one of my first paychecks for forever; a) because I sank a whole lot of money into them and b) they marked the transition from dependence on my parents to independence and dependence on myself. Who I have been and who I am becoming are shown through my shoe purchases. I might be hitting a dead horse with these examples, but they all show that shoes some how relate to my identity. I remember who I am or how I've grown through the different shoes I've worn.
For me it's shoes, for God, it's people. God chronicles himself and his stories through people. The most obvious ones are found in the Bible. God chooses to remember what He has done throughout the ages, Who He Is, through people. We know God, we remember God, through his interactions with different people. Starting with Adam and Eve, Noah, Abraham, and unto David, Solomon, the prophets, then Jesus, the disciples, Paul, and finally, us. God chooses to make himself known through us, his people. We are all being amassed into one huge collective shoe closet to sing his praises and to remember all that he has done, does, and will do.
And I don't know if that comforts you in any way, especially since he works in us in very different ways, just like there are very different types of shoes out there. Some of us are work boots, some of us are fancy heels, or comfortable slippers, or sandals, tennis shoes, you name it. Our story is different from one to the next. But one thing that is the same, we are all His. And He remembers us and chooses us to play a specific role in His story. We are for His glory, His memory, His love. So just remember, you serve a purpose, one that is practical and one that is for pleasure. Just like my new pairs of shoes. So enjoy the journey. God is working in you! He is marking you as his own and will remember you all the days of his life. Amen.
Monday, April 2, 2012
Day 92- Missing a piece of me
Evelyn is with her grandparents and Uncle Al for the week. They are at the beach enjoying the sand and the sun, 8 hours away. And while I know she is in good hands, her grandparents (on both sides) and Uncle Alex are her favorite people in the entire world and everything will be great, there is still this ache, this hole of not having her nearby. And I don't like it.
It's not separation anxiety, because I am not [that] anxious. It's not a true loss, because I'll see her on Thursday. Yet, there is this sense that a part of me is missing. I am not whole without her. I am not me without her. I am a mom without a kid and that is weird. I guess technically, I am not truly alone because there is another one growing inside me; one follows me around, sucking all my energy and calories and good moods out of me so I am a horrible nauseated mess (what mothers do/build for love!). But, this new little person is not out in the world yet, and so I am stuck longing for my other half of my half, my daily companion, the one who gives me cute snuggles and crazy laughs and so much joy because she is so full of life.
I feel a little what God must have felt when Adam and Eve left the garden ( okay, not really, but follow me on this stretch). His children left him. His creatures were no longer his constant companions, beings upon whom he could pour out his love, spirit, and knowledge. Granted, there was justice behind their separation and my daughter has done nothing wrong to cause us to separate (it's more mercantile; free babysitting while I work!) but the idea of separation is what i am getting at. I am separated from my daughter whom I love. God separated from Adam and Eve whom he loved and it all started when they sinned in the garden. The ache and the desire for the other is very real and very strong.
And the funny thing is, I don't think it's reciprocal. I know at some level Evelyn misses me, but I also know she's probably not that aware of it (because she has too many novelties to distract her). I wonder if Adam and Eve missed God, but like Evelyn, had other worries and concerns before them that they couldn't really articulate the ache, the hole, the missing piece in their lives. Because, do humans really ever articulate the ache, the holes, the missing pieces in their lives that directly relate to that separation of God (outside of the Christian faith)? Nope. I don't think so. I don't think people acknowledge those aches, because they don't know any better- they haven't any idea what it means to be a child that walks with God. They don't know how separated from God they are. And that's why, in my opinion, so much chaos reigns in the world. People are trying to fill holes they don't know how to articulate and that only God can fill and they constantly go from wrong to wrong to more wrong ways of dealing with it.
Christians are aware of this ache of separation, or at least I hope they are. But still, even we get carried away by other novelties we think can fill those holes: success, morality, legalism, wealth, altruism, holiness. But none of those things can really fill or breach the separation. Only God can. Only a person can. Because it's that relationship, those walks in the garden with God that we are missing, that we yearn for, long for, need. Interacting with God as a person is the only way we can become whole again, unbroken.
And the only way back to relationship with God is through Jesus and his death on the cross. As Holy Week commences my thoughts turn to that reconciliation of God and Man made possible by Jesus. And I am grateful. Grateful for God's ache for me. So grateful that God so ached to be in relationship with me, He sent His son to make it happen, so that I can walk with him again. It's simple and profound. God came and walked again on earth so that we could know him again and love him again and be loved by him once more. He came so we can be reunited with our missing pieces!
And I cannot wait to reunite with Evelyn. It's only three days and a plane flight away, but it can't come too soon. Granted, I might enjoy some "me" time where I don't have to be on call and constantly pumping out love and energy or whatever she might need. But in that "me" time, separation woes still plague me. And they remind me that I don't mind all that I have to do to be a mom. It's my eternal pleasure to love someone and to be the nurturing presence in their life. I rather be doing that then having these aches and pangs of separation. Just like I imagine God would rather take eternal pleasure in relationship with us, then to ache for us. Nobody likes missing pieces, even God.
It's not separation anxiety, because I am not [that] anxious. It's not a true loss, because I'll see her on Thursday. Yet, there is this sense that a part of me is missing. I am not whole without her. I am not me without her. I am a mom without a kid and that is weird. I guess technically, I am not truly alone because there is another one growing inside me; one follows me around, sucking all my energy and calories and good moods out of me so I am a horrible nauseated mess (what mothers do/build for love!). But, this new little person is not out in the world yet, and so I am stuck longing for my other half of my half, my daily companion, the one who gives me cute snuggles and crazy laughs and so much joy because she is so full of life.
I feel a little what God must have felt when Adam and Eve left the garden ( okay, not really, but follow me on this stretch). His children left him. His creatures were no longer his constant companions, beings upon whom he could pour out his love, spirit, and knowledge. Granted, there was justice behind their separation and my daughter has done nothing wrong to cause us to separate (it's more mercantile; free babysitting while I work!) but the idea of separation is what i am getting at. I am separated from my daughter whom I love. God separated from Adam and Eve whom he loved and it all started when they sinned in the garden. The ache and the desire for the other is very real and very strong.
And the funny thing is, I don't think it's reciprocal. I know at some level Evelyn misses me, but I also know she's probably not that aware of it (because she has too many novelties to distract her). I wonder if Adam and Eve missed God, but like Evelyn, had other worries and concerns before them that they couldn't really articulate the ache, the hole, the missing piece in their lives. Because, do humans really ever articulate the ache, the holes, the missing pieces in their lives that directly relate to that separation of God (outside of the Christian faith)? Nope. I don't think so. I don't think people acknowledge those aches, because they don't know any better- they haven't any idea what it means to be a child that walks with God. They don't know how separated from God they are. And that's why, in my opinion, so much chaos reigns in the world. People are trying to fill holes they don't know how to articulate and that only God can fill and they constantly go from wrong to wrong to more wrong ways of dealing with it.
Christians are aware of this ache of separation, or at least I hope they are. But still, even we get carried away by other novelties we think can fill those holes: success, morality, legalism, wealth, altruism, holiness. But none of those things can really fill or breach the separation. Only God can. Only a person can. Because it's that relationship, those walks in the garden with God that we are missing, that we yearn for, long for, need. Interacting with God as a person is the only way we can become whole again, unbroken.
And the only way back to relationship with God is through Jesus and his death on the cross. As Holy Week commences my thoughts turn to that reconciliation of God and Man made possible by Jesus. And I am grateful. Grateful for God's ache for me. So grateful that God so ached to be in relationship with me, He sent His son to make it happen, so that I can walk with him again. It's simple and profound. God came and walked again on earth so that we could know him again and love him again and be loved by him once more. He came so we can be reunited with our missing pieces!
And I cannot wait to reunite with Evelyn. It's only three days and a plane flight away, but it can't come too soon. Granted, I might enjoy some "me" time where I don't have to be on call and constantly pumping out love and energy or whatever she might need. But in that "me" time, separation woes still plague me. And they remind me that I don't mind all that I have to do to be a mom. It's my eternal pleasure to love someone and to be the nurturing presence in their life. I rather be doing that then having these aches and pangs of separation. Just like I imagine God would rather take eternal pleasure in relationship with us, then to ache for us. Nobody likes missing pieces, even God.
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