One third done, another 2/3 to go! My thoughts on no coffee for a month?
Thought 1: I spend less money when I don't drink coffee- no trips to coffee shops, less coffee bought by the pound. That's a good thing. Living on one income is now making us tighten our belts and my lack of dependence on coffee helps in that area.
Thought 2: I am getting closer to building more dependence on God, but not there yet. The fact that I don't have a lot going on makes it harder to rely on God. When you have nothing that will stress you out planned for the day, you don't find yourself on your knees that much. I turn more to God when I have things on my plate and need him to help me do them. Not having things on my plate means less prayer, less scripture, less turning to the presence of God for peace and strength. Still troubleshooting how I can make Him more of a priority in the midst of the non busyness of my life.
Thought 3: Still trying to figure out the longings and desires God has placed in my heart. Trying to prep for next steps, but hard to know what those steps are and so hard to prepare for them. Feel like I take one step closer to them, then two steps back. I guess I'll get there eventually but it will be slow and steady.
In conclusion, change is slow. I'm glad I am being proactive by denying myself something I love in hopes of finding more lasting and fulfilling loves, but it's not a magic wand and there's still a long road to go to get where I think I am headed.
Monday, January 30, 2012
Day 27/28/29 -In Laws in Town
Didn't get to write this weekend. Good things happened-was busy for the first time in awhile! Got through it all by recognizing my need for God even though I asked begrudgingly. I don't want to need God, I want to be okay to do things by myself without his help. It rarely ever works out that way, so yeah, I asked him for help a lot. or not enough. Can't ever have enough can you?
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Day 26- Missions
Ambassadors. That's what my new theme for youth group small group will be. Ambassadors for Christ.
2 Corinthians 5:18 : All this is from God, (AB)who through Christ reconciled us to himself and gave us (AC)the ministry of reconciliation; 19 that is, in Christ God was reconciling[c] the world to himself, (AD)not counting their trespasses against them, and entrusting to us (AE)the message of reconciliation. 20 Therefore, (AF)we are ambassadors for Christ, (AG)God making his appeal through us. We implore you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God. 21 (AH)For our sake he made him to be sin (AI)who knew no sin, so that in him we might become (AJ)the righteousness of God.
More later.
2 Corinthians 5:18 : All this is from God, (AB)who through Christ reconciled us to himself and gave us (AC)the ministry of reconciliation; 19 that is, in Christ God was reconciling[c] the world to himself, (AD)not counting their trespasses against them, and entrusting to us (AE)the message of reconciliation. 20 Therefore, (AF)we are ambassadors for Christ, (AG)God making his appeal through us. We implore you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God. 21 (AH)For our sake he made him to be sin (AI)who knew no sin, so that in him we might become (AJ)the righteousness of God.
More later.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Day 25- Motherhood
E today had her first breakdown when I dropped off for her weekly morning at preschool. She was in tears when I picked her up, too. Sweet moments for a mom. The rush of the warm fuzzy " my baby loves me!" is a great pick me up no matter the day.
Being a mom is great. And easy. One of the most fluid things I've ever done. It's natural and fun and like breathing, something I don't think too hard about. Maybe it's the hours put in the classroom that makes me appreciate the wonderfulness and easiness of motherhood. No planning, no behavior management nightmares (it's my child! i'm going to discipline her the way I want that will get results!) no twenty voices all wanting to be heard. There's just one small voice demanding my attention and she gets it whenever she needs it.
A stressed mom is an unhappy mom and a mean mom. So I try not to be stressed too much (ie not working, so no reasons to be stressed). Not type A, so i don't mind messes, but think they are rather good teaching points and great for brain development opportunities. Like to establish patterns and rhythms in my own day, so I also do that for the baby. A baby on a routine is a happy camper. If you can't tell, my philosophy is a chill mom is a mom who will make the most of the moments, be prepared for catastrophes, and share love and happiness with her child which is the most important thing a young child can get. There is tons of literature on that and the NC Learning foundations basically say the same thing, but add problem solving and physical exploration as a key component of healthy growth. We do those things, too, the big outdoor lovers that we are.
And trust me, I've worked with enough kids who grew up with lives that were the opposite. Try teaching them. It's 100 times harder, very worth the effort, but very very hard. Kids who grow up in chaos, with lots of stress and negativity going on around them, while tough little cookies, have a hard shell around them to protect themselves. That can be a good thing, but it is not necessarily a sign of a health That child has a lot of issues it needs to work through; fears, anxieties, what have you, before they can find peace and actualization and joy. In other words, they need a lot of Jesus to take their hurt and frustrations. Thank goodness, Jesus is there, because those kids need a whole whole whole lot of love, just like we all do. The love of the father is what makes us work and tick rightly. Without him, life is ugly, cold, bare, and unloving. Jesus' love for us is what keeps us warm and full and upbeat. And I think a lot of good things happen when you are upbeat. Grace happens. Grace happens more and more the more you are warm and full and upbeat. And Grace is the magic that turns the ugly things of this world beautiful.
Yes, I do think that motherhood is one continual act of grace. A grace- full has power and authority, kindness and sincerity, truth and love and justice, all the things a child needs to be trained in the way he or she needs to go, to live a right life. Because it can be that through the grace of a mother, a child meets the grace of an eternal savior, father, and lord.
Being a mom is great. And easy. One of the most fluid things I've ever done. It's natural and fun and like breathing, something I don't think too hard about. Maybe it's the hours put in the classroom that makes me appreciate the wonderfulness and easiness of motherhood. No planning, no behavior management nightmares (it's my child! i'm going to discipline her the way I want that will get results!) no twenty voices all wanting to be heard. There's just one small voice demanding my attention and she gets it whenever she needs it.
A stressed mom is an unhappy mom and a mean mom. So I try not to be stressed too much (ie not working, so no reasons to be stressed). Not type A, so i don't mind messes, but think they are rather good teaching points and great for brain development opportunities. Like to establish patterns and rhythms in my own day, so I also do that for the baby. A baby on a routine is a happy camper. If you can't tell, my philosophy is a chill mom is a mom who will make the most of the moments, be prepared for catastrophes, and share love and happiness with her child which is the most important thing a young child can get. There is tons of literature on that and the NC Learning foundations basically say the same thing, but add problem solving and physical exploration as a key component of healthy growth. We do those things, too, the big outdoor lovers that we are.
And trust me, I've worked with enough kids who grew up with lives that were the opposite. Try teaching them. It's 100 times harder, very worth the effort, but very very hard. Kids who grow up in chaos, with lots of stress and negativity going on around them, while tough little cookies, have a hard shell around them to protect themselves. That can be a good thing, but it is not necessarily a sign of a health That child has a lot of issues it needs to work through; fears, anxieties, what have you, before they can find peace and actualization and joy. In other words, they need a lot of Jesus to take their hurt and frustrations. Thank goodness, Jesus is there, because those kids need a whole whole whole lot of love, just like we all do. The love of the father is what makes us work and tick rightly. Without him, life is ugly, cold, bare, and unloving. Jesus' love for us is what keeps us warm and full and upbeat. And I think a lot of good things happen when you are upbeat. Grace happens. Grace happens more and more the more you are warm and full and upbeat. And Grace is the magic that turns the ugly things of this world beautiful.
Yes, I do think that motherhood is one continual act of grace. A grace- full has power and authority, kindness and sincerity, truth and love and justice, all the things a child needs to be trained in the way he or she needs to go, to live a right life. Because it can be that through the grace of a mother, a child meets the grace of an eternal savior, father, and lord.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Day 24- Missing Work
i miss working. staying home and being a mom is one of the most humbling lessons i have had to endure. professionally, i did everything wrong. i only taught for one year before moving and then did another one year stint, now i am not working. don't have a lot of experience or continuity. how will i ever be able to make it back into the workforce?
yeah, being a mom is important and evelyn will benefit so much from having me stay home. Yet, the selfish side sometimes creeps in and screams : at what sacrifice on your part!! Yes, folks, it is a sacrifice to stay at home and not put myself and my career first. At the same time, it is not that hard; it is what you do when you have kids: put them first.
And it's a huge step of faith for me to not worry about entering the job force again. I really enjoy work. It brings a lot of joy and meaning and purpose to me. I want to work again and be on the top of my profession and succeed and achieve. My friends will hit their stride probably when I am getting ready to go back and that will be hard for me, to be at the bottom rung. Don't want to be there, don't like being there, shouldn't be thinking about this. Ahh! Lord, you are in charge. Prepare a way for me to go! To you be the thanks and the glory. Amen
yeah, being a mom is important and evelyn will benefit so much from having me stay home. Yet, the selfish side sometimes creeps in and screams : at what sacrifice on your part!! Yes, folks, it is a sacrifice to stay at home and not put myself and my career first. At the same time, it is not that hard; it is what you do when you have kids: put them first.
And it's a huge step of faith for me to not worry about entering the job force again. I really enjoy work. It brings a lot of joy and meaning and purpose to me. I want to work again and be on the top of my profession and succeed and achieve. My friends will hit their stride probably when I am getting ready to go back and that will be hard for me, to be at the bottom rung. Don't want to be there, don't like being there, shouldn't be thinking about this. Ahh! Lord, you are in charge. Prepare a way for me to go! To you be the thanks and the glory. Amen
Monday, January 23, 2012
Day 23- Elements of Style
Day 23 already?? In a week, it will be Day 30 and I will be a third of the way done with this no coffee fast! And in my mind, if you are a third of the way there, you are practically there. Not sure how that works, but some how, through strange psychology exercises, I've conditioned my mind to register that acting on a third means I've acted on a whole. Yeah, I don't think it is suppose to make sense. Maybe if I explain a third is like a half. As in, if I can get to a third of something, i react to it as if it is a half of something and things are always easier to complete if you are over half way done. Maybe? It's how I plow through training for a race, by setting third benchmarks. It's how I judged relationships- if i can make it to 3 months, i can make it to 6, then a year and beyond. Granted I am no longer in that stage of life as I married the only person who made it past that 3 month mark. I shouldn't expect anyone to understand, unless they too play mind games with themselves like I do.
Mind game. What an interesting phrase. Could it be the fact that it is a game be the reason why I like to play them on myself? I blame Mary Poppins. She taught me from a young age that work can be turned into a game. Or at least, she took the edge of work and made it doable and approachable, something not to feared but something to enjoy- or was that the result of the reformation on the protestant work ethic? I'm muddling my influences, but whatever they are, those influences, they have shaped me into this person who likes to create challenges, games, for herself in order to get things accomplished. Hence, a 90 day coffee fast in order to build better spiritual disciplines and better writing habits.
In all, it has been going well. I haven't been sorely tempted to drink as much as I thought I would and I think I am turning my heart more to God and what he has. Although, it still feels like a waiting period. During Advent, I felt the intimacy of waiting by not drinking coffee, and that feeling of waiting for something, not necessarily the second coming, has trickled over into this fast, too. Maybe it is just the nature of a fast to pierce the depths of anticipation and longing. All that deprivation brings out deeper notes of anticipation and longings for something else. Is that the true purpose of a fast? If so, it is an important characteristic that hasn't sunk into my head until now. We fast in anticipation of something. We long for something when we fast. Huh? Looks like that should have been obvious, but it hasn't been.
Hmm While this fast started as a fast from coffee and with intense longings for coffee and dreams of drinking coffee again one day, it has turned into something else, with longings and anticipations of a different nature and purpose. I'm longing for God to work. There is an anticipation that he is preparing me for something and while sometimes there are flashes of visions, there isn't a whole lot of clarity. And I long for clarity, for the bigger picture to be revealed. At the same time, it is the unknown, so there is an element of "do i really want to jump into whatever is ahead?" it might not be pretty and it might be super hard and trying and I might have to grow a whole lot- and in my experience growth is usually accompanied by pain. But then faith kicks in and says, well, if you are suppose to do it, God will prepare you for it and will be there with you, so why worry. And that leaves me back at the beginning, figuring out what games can I play to make this waiting period go faster: training for a long distance race, check; writing projects, check; rereading grammar books like elements of style, check; daily devotions, check; and what else can I come up with??
Mind game. What an interesting phrase. Could it be the fact that it is a game be the reason why I like to play them on myself? I blame Mary Poppins. She taught me from a young age that work can be turned into a game. Or at least, she took the edge of work and made it doable and approachable, something not to feared but something to enjoy- or was that the result of the reformation on the protestant work ethic? I'm muddling my influences, but whatever they are, those influences, they have shaped me into this person who likes to create challenges, games, for herself in order to get things accomplished. Hence, a 90 day coffee fast in order to build better spiritual disciplines and better writing habits.
In all, it has been going well. I haven't been sorely tempted to drink as much as I thought I would and I think I am turning my heart more to God and what he has. Although, it still feels like a waiting period. During Advent, I felt the intimacy of waiting by not drinking coffee, and that feeling of waiting for something, not necessarily the second coming, has trickled over into this fast, too. Maybe it is just the nature of a fast to pierce the depths of anticipation and longing. All that deprivation brings out deeper notes of anticipation and longings for something else. Is that the true purpose of a fast? If so, it is an important characteristic that hasn't sunk into my head until now. We fast in anticipation of something. We long for something when we fast. Huh? Looks like that should have been obvious, but it hasn't been.
Hmm While this fast started as a fast from coffee and with intense longings for coffee and dreams of drinking coffee again one day, it has turned into something else, with longings and anticipations of a different nature and purpose. I'm longing for God to work. There is an anticipation that he is preparing me for something and while sometimes there are flashes of visions, there isn't a whole lot of clarity. And I long for clarity, for the bigger picture to be revealed. At the same time, it is the unknown, so there is an element of "do i really want to jump into whatever is ahead?" it might not be pretty and it might be super hard and trying and I might have to grow a whole lot- and in my experience growth is usually accompanied by pain. But then faith kicks in and says, well, if you are suppose to do it, God will prepare you for it and will be there with you, so why worry. And that leaves me back at the beginning, figuring out what games can I play to make this waiting period go faster: training for a long distance race, check; writing projects, check; rereading grammar books like elements of style, check; daily devotions, check; and what else can I come up with??
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Day 20/21/22- Cold season, best friends, the Spirit at work
This weekend I have a had a cold and was unable to think up anything intelligent to write. Be thankful I am not putting down the thoughts I had while doped on cold medicine.They had to do with that woman who's always pregnant on tv and how she must have destroyed her body. Pregnancy is so destructive; I don't understand how women could go through it more than a couple times. My stomach muscles still have not come back together after being split apart and I only have had one child... I know, TMI.
lasting thoughts from this week and weekend: I miss my tribe. In need of some physically present kindred spirits. or a mentor. or both. Thankfully, I sometimes talk to my best friends and I am reminded that it is okay I feel different and see the world differently, because there do exist people who are like me. They are just scattered around the country and only a phone call away. Moving to a new place is hard. It takes time to find a bosom friend (yes, Lucy Maud got those descriptions right: kindred spirit, bosom friend, tribe of joseph. thank you anne of green gables and emily of new moon for those reoccurring colloquialisms i use to describe deep friendship).
Despite feeling like I have yet to connect with one of the tribe of Joseph, the spirit is at work in the relationships around me. And there are many more potentials than there were in DC, so I need to remind myself to be thankful for that. God is teaching me patience and restraint - I am not where I want to be. For me, I don't like not being where I feel I should be and it is very hard to wait and NOT do something about that. My question is WHY WHY WHY?? Why do I have to wait. Why am I waiting? Why can't I act yet? Why is it hard for me to wait. And what am i waiting for? It is as if I am in a box, awaiting a trial period until I can burst forth and get at it- whatever "it" is. I want to do and want to make, but not sure how to or where. Dear Lord, reveal yourself to me. Let me see what you see. Let me be what you want me to be. Let me follow you with all my heart, soul, mind, spirit, body, strength. To you be the glory forever and ever. Amen.
lasting thoughts from this week and weekend: I miss my tribe. In need of some physically present kindred spirits. or a mentor. or both. Thankfully, I sometimes talk to my best friends and I am reminded that it is okay I feel different and see the world differently, because there do exist people who are like me. They are just scattered around the country and only a phone call away. Moving to a new place is hard. It takes time to find a bosom friend (yes, Lucy Maud got those descriptions right: kindred spirit, bosom friend, tribe of joseph. thank you anne of green gables and emily of new moon for those reoccurring colloquialisms i use to describe deep friendship).
Despite feeling like I have yet to connect with one of the tribe of Joseph, the spirit is at work in the relationships around me. And there are many more potentials than there were in DC, so I need to remind myself to be thankful for that. God is teaching me patience and restraint - I am not where I want to be. For me, I don't like not being where I feel I should be and it is very hard to wait and NOT do something about that. My question is WHY WHY WHY?? Why do I have to wait. Why am I waiting? Why can't I act yet? Why is it hard for me to wait. And what am i waiting for? It is as if I am in a box, awaiting a trial period until I can burst forth and get at it- whatever "it" is. I want to do and want to make, but not sure how to or where. Dear Lord, reveal yourself to me. Let me see what you see. Let me be what you want me to be. Let me follow you with all my heart, soul, mind, spirit, body, strength. To you be the glory forever and ever. Amen.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Day 18- Inspiration
I love the filmmaking process. More because making a film is about telling a story. And it is such a cool way to tell a story, with images and sounds and thoughts and atmosphere and all sorts of other things. Film making is also a process and I love the process. From shooting, to brainstorming, to editing, all of it excites me. Okay, i've only made one short documentary in my life, but it was one of the most enjoyable, life giving experiences I've had today. And now I have the chance to do it again. The emotions running through me are thrilled, motivated, and most of all, inspired. Telling a story, shaping a stories images, choosing what clip goes where, it makes me want to get up in the morning and be the most alive I can be. I love it. Storytelling in my mind is one of the most important, most critical traditions in any culture; it's who we are as humans, storytellers.
And we need to get good at telling our story. And others' stories, and God's story. That's why we go to church after all, to hear the story of God and man. We go to school to learn all sorts of stories: biology stories, the elements of story making like grammar and spelling, the story of physical realities that we like to call math and physics and what have you. We watch stories, real or false, on movie screens and the television. We read stories. We hear stories. Why? Because they capture our imagination, our souls, our inner most parts and [should] elevate them, enlightening them to good, truth, and beauty, three things for which we yearn. All humans know deep down we are part of story, a great story, with a meta-narrative that is God. And when we can connect with it, we realize we can connect with our Maker- and that is powerful. Thankfully, Jesus, came down to rewrite the story a bit, so we can more fully connect with God and the Big story, the meta-narrative of our place in the universe. And that's why I love story telling because it reveals truth, beauty of our God, our Creator who we mimic when we try to tell a good story.
Yes, I would say I love the film process just as much as coffee, if not more, because it can have a lasting influence on others. Drinking coffee while making a movie, yes that's close to what my definition of heaven would be, with Jesus as the executive producer or co-director or something.
And we need to get good at telling our story. And others' stories, and God's story. That's why we go to church after all, to hear the story of God and man. We go to school to learn all sorts of stories: biology stories, the elements of story making like grammar and spelling, the story of physical realities that we like to call math and physics and what have you. We watch stories, real or false, on movie screens and the television. We read stories. We hear stories. Why? Because they capture our imagination, our souls, our inner most parts and [should] elevate them, enlightening them to good, truth, and beauty, three things for which we yearn. All humans know deep down we are part of story, a great story, with a meta-narrative that is God. And when we can connect with it, we realize we can connect with our Maker- and that is powerful. Thankfully, Jesus, came down to rewrite the story a bit, so we can more fully connect with God and the Big story, the meta-narrative of our place in the universe. And that's why I love story telling because it reveals truth, beauty of our God, our Creator who we mimic when we try to tell a good story.
Yes, I would say I love the film process just as much as coffee, if not more, because it can have a lasting influence on others. Drinking coffee while making a movie, yes that's close to what my definition of heaven would be, with Jesus as the executive producer or co-director or something.
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Day 17- need a new project and because of God
Ah. One of the frustrating aftermaths of event planning is that once it is over, I feel a little flat. In the olden golden days, I always had a couple projects spinning in the air, once one was over, I'd have something to fill the vacuum immediately.
Not so true this days. I have one event and then a long lapse before another one. My love to scheme and organize and build will be put on hold until the next occasion arises. And that is hard for me to swallow. Sometimes I feel like I can conquer the world if I really felt called to it. But does God call me to it? I feel that he does, and doesn't. Maybe he does, but i feel that requires me so often to step out on my own to make things I feel should happen happen, that I feel alone. And that is hard, not thinking that the people around you have the same drive or vision as you. I never know what to do with that and have trailed blaze anyway- and feel even more disconnected. Yeah, i guess the moral from the little red hen is deep in my psyche, but "doing it myself" goes against my love of community and community projects.
So I suffer analyzing this weird tension we humans have with God: do we do because we can or do we not do because we wait for God to do it? But if we wait for God to do it, won't we still be doing it, too, because he'll use us to do it? Where the line where it's him and not us with impure and wrong motives? I don't want it to be all me. Ii want god's blessing. but what happens when you know you have gifts and talents and see needs, but have no followers or co-conspirators to affirm or dissuade?? Dear Lord, send me a co-conspirator who likes to do community based projects as much as I do!
And all that I do and want to do is because of God and all that he has done for me. But that's a long story for another time.
Not so true this days. I have one event and then a long lapse before another one. My love to scheme and organize and build will be put on hold until the next occasion arises. And that is hard for me to swallow. Sometimes I feel like I can conquer the world if I really felt called to it. But does God call me to it? I feel that he does, and doesn't. Maybe he does, but i feel that requires me so often to step out on my own to make things I feel should happen happen, that I feel alone. And that is hard, not thinking that the people around you have the same drive or vision as you. I never know what to do with that and have trailed blaze anyway- and feel even more disconnected. Yeah, i guess the moral from the little red hen is deep in my psyche, but "doing it myself" goes against my love of community and community projects.
So I suffer analyzing this weird tension we humans have with God: do we do because we can or do we not do because we wait for God to do it? But if we wait for God to do it, won't we still be doing it, too, because he'll use us to do it? Where the line where it's him and not us with impure and wrong motives? I don't want it to be all me. Ii want god's blessing. but what happens when you know you have gifts and talents and see needs, but have no followers or co-conspirators to affirm or dissuade?? Dear Lord, send me a co-conspirator who likes to do community based projects as much as I do!
And all that I do and want to do is because of God and all that he has done for me. But that's a long story for another time.
Monday, January 16, 2012
Day 16- God is good. All the time.
Over 450 people showed up to this event I helped planned. It was incredible, full of kairos moments- moment pregnant with impact and richness. Some high points: the speaker talking about how black and whites wouldn't sit next together; the little girl exclaiming that MLK was shot by someone who "didn't understand"; a girl yelling that's messed up when told that once upon a time black people could vote; people singing freedom march songs, and I could go on and on. A glimpse of the kingdom, where people come together talk about the good the bad and the ugly. Where history is shared and remembered and incorporated into how we live life today.
Cannot believe how it all came together, oh wait, yes I can. Because I have a father in heaven who dreams these dreams too. One nation, under God with liberty, justice, and love for all.
Cannot believe how it all came together, oh wait, yes I can. Because I have a father in heaven who dreams these dreams too. One nation, under God with liberty, justice, and love for all.
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Day 15- peace
Friday and yesterday were stormy. Today is serene. I must say I am impressed about how I am riding out life without coffee. Must be God doing a number on my heart and soul! Thank you, Jesus!
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Day 14- donuts and running
What brought me back from the dark side? A good long run and a couple donuts from the durham farmers market. And signing up to run 10 miles in April. And planning a date for daniel and i in the upcoming week. And making sure the event on Monday has all the details worked out.
When I get mad, I get angry. Think Jesus overturning tables mad, except my anger isn't as righteous as his. But ever since I worked in the inner city, my blood can boil about issues of injustice, oppression, and wrongness. I think when you experience life so rawly and on the edge of so much brokenness, all the layers of civilization aka rules of proper society flake a bit. You get in touch with the more emotional, also animal part of your humanity- because you go into survival mode and you do what you can to come out okay and on top.
What is the Christian perspective on those statements? Lord, send the holy spirit to act and work. Otherwise, darkness can creep in and take over. Feelings of despair and hopelessness because things are not right. And you cling to the gospel because you know those are places god came to light up when he came down as Jesus. Jesus was the light of the world, is the light to shine in the darkness. and you have to hold onto that light.
But it doesn't make coming back into civilized social spheres any easier. Where the name of the game is control, especially control of emotions, good or bad.
When I get mad, I get angry. Think Jesus overturning tables mad, except my anger isn't as righteous as his. But ever since I worked in the inner city, my blood can boil about issues of injustice, oppression, and wrongness. I think when you experience life so rawly and on the edge of so much brokenness, all the layers of civilization aka rules of proper society flake a bit. You get in touch with the more emotional, also animal part of your humanity- because you go into survival mode and you do what you can to come out okay and on top.
What is the Christian perspective on those statements? Lord, send the holy spirit to act and work. Otherwise, darkness can creep in and take over. Feelings of despair and hopelessness because things are not right. And you cling to the gospel because you know those are places god came to light up when he came down as Jesus. Jesus was the light of the world, is the light to shine in the darkness. and you have to hold onto that light.
But it doesn't make coming back into civilized social spheres any easier. Where the name of the game is control, especially control of emotions, good or bad.
Day 13/14-Worst Nightmares revisited
A piece of the past revisited yesterday, just after I posted about how grace is the thing i need and lacked to get through DC. Could not believe how the same things that happened to me in DC have now followed me to NC. The situation: being screwed over by insurance companies because we forgot to check some box, we didn't even know needed to be checked, and so overpaid, and they won't give our money back. We paid them money for no reason, and they won't give it back. Robbery! In my mind, the insurance guy we talked to, deliberately withheld info we needed to overpay because that's what insurance companies do- they make you pay and pay and pay. so still incredibly mad at the entire situation and how the soulless, mindless, rigid policies, designed to make as much money as possible, are allowed to operate despite common sense, despite justice being on the little man's side. Feel frustrated and taken advantage of to no end. My life goal is not to line the pockets of execs of big companies, but to help the oppressed, the forgotten, the marginalized, the uninsured. And when I do line their pockets so they can buy their third home or new luxury car or what have you, I get extremely extremely mad. The system is unjust. There are huge inequities in America. There is excess, greed, corruption, stealing, and it is wrong wrong wrong.
These are the times when I agree with the Psalmist and Jesus that man is really awful (despite recently saying I want a balanced perspective), there is no good in him. Especially when you get into the mud of humanity and see how man is ruined. As a teacher and from a child development point, there is so much we can do to nurture people to be intelligent and wise and to have integrity and character. But, too often, it is not done and then it is too late. The bad habits are built, the brain has stopped developing, the opportunity is lost.And you have dysfunctional, hurtful people who continue cycles of destruction. Aggravating!!!
That is probably why we have to die to ourselves and take up the burden of the cross; otherwise, we would not stop the cycles and let corruption take its course. In other words, dying to ourselves, following Jesus, taking his burden upon ourselves, we stop the cycles of destruction and figure out how to get on a cycle of redemption and life. When we die to ourselves and strive for the righteousness of Jesus (even though he freely gives it), I think we impede the corrosive nature of sin, so that we have a chance to do right things. That is why Jesus went to hell, so we could come back from it as well. That is the power of the Gospel, in my opinion: that Jesus went to hell, goes to all the still hellish places on earth and redeems them. Oh, how I hate the truly ugly things of this world. They were not supposed to be here, but came as a result of sin entering the world. And they are despicable.
These are the times when I agree with the Psalmist and Jesus that man is really awful (despite recently saying I want a balanced perspective), there is no good in him. Especially when you get into the mud of humanity and see how man is ruined. As a teacher and from a child development point, there is so much we can do to nurture people to be intelligent and wise and to have integrity and character. But, too often, it is not done and then it is too late. The bad habits are built, the brain has stopped developing, the opportunity is lost.And you have dysfunctional, hurtful people who continue cycles of destruction. Aggravating!!!
That is probably why we have to die to ourselves and take up the burden of the cross; otherwise, we would not stop the cycles and let corruption take its course. In other words, dying to ourselves, following Jesus, taking his burden upon ourselves, we stop the cycles of destruction and figure out how to get on a cycle of redemption and life. When we die to ourselves and strive for the righteousness of Jesus (even though he freely gives it), I think we impede the corrosive nature of sin, so that we have a chance to do right things. That is why Jesus went to hell, so we could come back from it as well. That is the power of the Gospel, in my opinion: that Jesus went to hell, goes to all the still hellish places on earth and redeems them. Oh, how I hate the truly ugly things of this world. They were not supposed to be here, but came as a result of sin entering the world. And they are despicable.
Day 12- worst nightmares
So there's this big event that I am planning (without any coffee!) and today, we, the organizers, came in contact with our worst nightmare that could ever happen for the event. Luckily, by God's grace, it was resolved in a matter of moments, with only the slightest strain on our limited budget. But oh, those minutes, where I saw the whole deal unravel, the panic building within my veins, were a huge shot of adrenaline and dread. After it resolved itself, I thought the episode slightly funny and another ode to murphy's law. How could such a huge communication become a miscommunication? Not sure, but it did. And what did I learn?
Grace grace grace always wins. I can have nightmares, experience awful emotions, but they don't have to get the better of me. I don't need to despair, but rather I can act and press on because grace abounds.
The way I reacted in this situation was way different how I succumbed to worst nightmares in my life a couple years ago. For some reason, when I lived through those awful situations, I could not connect to any sources of grace. Not that Christ wasn't there, but there were also very real presences of dark forces that made it extremely hard to get my head above water. When Rowling describes dementors in the Harry potter series, she nails what I felt. The life and goodness and abilities to rise above the situation were sucked out of me. It was awful and I am so thankful I am somewhere else. Doors were closed there, worst nightmares endured, and now a new phase of life is to be entered.
Thank goodness! Life is horrible without grace! That is christ's gift and promise to us- we can have grace and life and to the full!
Grace grace grace always wins. I can have nightmares, experience awful emotions, but they don't have to get the better of me. I don't need to despair, but rather I can act and press on because grace abounds.
The way I reacted in this situation was way different how I succumbed to worst nightmares in my life a couple years ago. For some reason, when I lived through those awful situations, I could not connect to any sources of grace. Not that Christ wasn't there, but there were also very real presences of dark forces that made it extremely hard to get my head above water. When Rowling describes dementors in the Harry potter series, she nails what I felt. The life and goodness and abilities to rise above the situation were sucked out of me. It was awful and I am so thankful I am somewhere else. Doors were closed there, worst nightmares endured, and now a new phase of life is to be entered.
Thank goodness! Life is horrible without grace! That is christ's gift and promise to us- we can have grace and life and to the full!
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Day 11- clothes and marriage
Today, when I got a clothing magazine in the mail and drooled over all the wonderful, hip looking outfits there are to be bought, I realized I am also fasting from buying new clothes. This fast is mostly a practical fast. With only one income, there isn't a lot left over to play with and so new wardrobes are out of the question. Plus with a toddler, nice clothes do not stay nice very long. Everyday I discover new stains I missed the chance to spot. Now I realize that I am stuck with these clothes and should just deal with it until E is in kindergarten. I am a mom; my uniformed of wrinkled, stained clothing is really a badge of honor. It shouldn't matter what I wear.
But that is so hard to do. We live in age, or may be it has been true in every age, where appearance matters. It's your business card. It's the store front on which we judge worthiness, coolness, likability. I am not sure what role fashion ever played in the bible, except for the fact it talks about how beautiful and what refined clothes we will wear in heaven. So even in the afterlife, clothes and appearance tell us we've arrived at... um, what does beauty and nice clothes represent, perfection? What does our obsession with fashion and appearance represent? Is it really beauty? I think maybe it is beauty mixed with mammon, hence why we should allow ourselves to be dressed like lilies of the field: by God's provision. Whatever that means. I am not being sarcastic, but rather trying saying that I don't know what God's provision is with regards to clothes, except that I shouldn't blow the budget on ones I don't particularly need or can afford. Oh! To be working and to have play money! Just kidding, I don't really want to be working, that would bring so many headaches in other areas, I'm not sure play money is worth it.
And that brings me to my next thought that relates to marriage. Not linearly, but somehow through the weaving of one person working, the other not, and the decisions that follow, you get to some thoughts on a functioning partnership that when sacramented is marriage. By not drinking coffee since the beginning of December, my relationship with my husband has improved. Maybe coffee is the scapegoat unto which I can cast my angst. Or maybe because I miss coffee so much it lessens the pangs of separation I have when Daniel works incredibly long hours or travels. Or maybe it was just we both needed the holidays for a vacation to get away and reset. Whatever it is, one expected gift that is carrying over into the new year, is I am more at peace with Daniel working and working late hours and all the time than I was before. And that has been a huge blessing. It is a huge blessing for him that I am at home with the baby and able to keep some order at home. Not much order as I've never been much of a housekeeper, but I can cook. What matters to him is that home is a calm, restful place for him (when I'm happy at least), that his daughter is cared for well and that is the balance he needs to do what he needs to do at work. And I have struggled, struggled, struggled with that, until now. We had a great holiday that allowed us to reconnect and recharge to start the new year with on a new footing and a better understanding. And for that I am grateful. It ain't easy submitting and staying at home and feeling like good professional years of work are passing me by. Yet, I know, that God is in control and has a plan and using this time in my life to reveal things that need to be revealed. Even if it's such a slow dolganged process!
Maybe later I'll get to other thoughts on marriage-like the one that daniel married me because he thought i'd be a good mom. My feminist sensibilities were sorefully affronted. My awesome female independent going to rock the world attraction wasn't what drew him? Just my mom potential?? How completely ironic. My feminist fore bearers are so proud. ... As they should be! I married my best friend because of, well, mostly God, if I think about it. But we can talk about choices and self actualization and equal partnership later. It's late and mommy duties start early. And. without. coffee.
But that is so hard to do. We live in age, or may be it has been true in every age, where appearance matters. It's your business card. It's the store front on which we judge worthiness, coolness, likability. I am not sure what role fashion ever played in the bible, except for the fact it talks about how beautiful and what refined clothes we will wear in heaven. So even in the afterlife, clothes and appearance tell us we've arrived at... um, what does beauty and nice clothes represent, perfection? What does our obsession with fashion and appearance represent? Is it really beauty? I think maybe it is beauty mixed with mammon, hence why we should allow ourselves to be dressed like lilies of the field: by God's provision. Whatever that means. I am not being sarcastic, but rather trying saying that I don't know what God's provision is with regards to clothes, except that I shouldn't blow the budget on ones I don't particularly need or can afford. Oh! To be working and to have play money! Just kidding, I don't really want to be working, that would bring so many headaches in other areas, I'm not sure play money is worth it.
And that brings me to my next thought that relates to marriage. Not linearly, but somehow through the weaving of one person working, the other not, and the decisions that follow, you get to some thoughts on a functioning partnership that when sacramented is marriage. By not drinking coffee since the beginning of December, my relationship with my husband has improved. Maybe coffee is the scapegoat unto which I can cast my angst. Or maybe because I miss coffee so much it lessens the pangs of separation I have when Daniel works incredibly long hours or travels. Or maybe it was just we both needed the holidays for a vacation to get away and reset. Whatever it is, one expected gift that is carrying over into the new year, is I am more at peace with Daniel working and working late hours and all the time than I was before. And that has been a huge blessing. It is a huge blessing for him that I am at home with the baby and able to keep some order at home. Not much order as I've never been much of a housekeeper, but I can cook. What matters to him is that home is a calm, restful place for him (when I'm happy at least), that his daughter is cared for well and that is the balance he needs to do what he needs to do at work. And I have struggled, struggled, struggled with that, until now. We had a great holiday that allowed us to reconnect and recharge to start the new year with on a new footing and a better understanding. And for that I am grateful. It ain't easy submitting and staying at home and feeling like good professional years of work are passing me by. Yet, I know, that God is in control and has a plan and using this time in my life to reveal things that need to be revealed. Even if it's such a slow dolganged process!
Maybe later I'll get to other thoughts on marriage-like the one that daniel married me because he thought i'd be a good mom. My feminist sensibilities were sorefully affronted. My awesome female independent going to rock the world attraction wasn't what drew him? Just my mom potential?? How completely ironic. My feminist fore bearers are so proud. ... As they should be! I married my best friend because of, well, mostly God, if I think about it. But we can talk about choices and self actualization and equal partnership later. It's late and mommy duties start early. And. without. coffee.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Day 10- Seasons
Last week, I had grooveshark tuned to some of NPR's top songs of the year. To be more specific, my playlist was all the ones that you could dance to. There was many a dance party with E and D at our casa. The songs and the beats kept my mood up and kept me motivated to get things done. It felt great to move to the music and jam whenever the moment struck. I recommend you check some out.
This week is much different; it is a silent week. No songs singing themselves in my head, no itunes or grooveshark blasting on the computer. Just me and my thoughts and that inner narrator speaking up there, without any desire to listen to music. Maybe that is why I feel so glum and blah. There's nothing to pep me up and get my energy juices flowing. Skipped my weekly trip to the gym today, too. I guess this week is one of those weeks where it is slow to get back up on the horse (what horse is that, i am not sure, Daniel and I stayed in this weekend for the most part!).
The one week on, one week off phenomenon started me thinking about seasons of life (if a season can only be a week long!). Some seasons are busy and stressful, others are slow and monotonous. Sometimes it is a fast, sometimes it is a feast- spiritually, financially, with regards to fellowship, etcetc. Sometimes you are full with friends, disposable income, mission; other times you yearn for them and feel deficient. The push and pull of life, I like to think of it. One thing pushes you one season, pulls you the next, then something new happens and the cycle begins all over again.
That's how weeks eke by, years drive on, with the changing of those seasons. My season right now is slow. I am just a mom, a housewife, a part time community volunteer. No frantic days for me. The baby is on a pretty rhythmic schedule. During the week we have our "fast" times: simple meals, same breakfasts every day, same activities. The weekend is our feast, where we go out to eat, change up the schedule, have church and community group. Those weekly routines seem to work well for us. Baby needs lots of time for play and regular meal times and naps. Things that rush us out of the house are too disruptive, and aren't worth it a lot of times. It would be too stressful to be involved with lots of things and have too much "programming", so we don't program our lives. No programming means lots of unstructured, free flowing time that I think makes this season, a slow season. Soon that season of life will change and the schedule will upend and we will enter into a new phase and have to establish new rhythms of daily life.
Hopefully those rhythms will have coffee, but more hopefully, there will be better practices that bring God more into the picture. The whole purpose of this second fast was to encourage me to get back into a rhythm of scripture reading, prayer, and meditation. The writing on the blog was secondary, just a means to help motivate me and keep me focused. Scripture reading, prayer, and meditation used to bring peace, structure, and energy into my life. They completely transformed my days into acts of worship that are very life giving. So I desperately want them as part of my daily habits once again. But, well, I've not been at all diligent with establishing them this year. Done okay on writing (nothing more than what's on this blog and a few random short stories in my head), but what I really wanted to get back to, making daily space for God, I've not made much effort. Dear Lord, come! Help me draw closer to you! May you be the established pattern in my life. Amen.
This week is much different; it is a silent week. No songs singing themselves in my head, no itunes or grooveshark blasting on the computer. Just me and my thoughts and that inner narrator speaking up there, without any desire to listen to music. Maybe that is why I feel so glum and blah. There's nothing to pep me up and get my energy juices flowing. Skipped my weekly trip to the gym today, too. I guess this week is one of those weeks where it is slow to get back up on the horse (what horse is that, i am not sure, Daniel and I stayed in this weekend for the most part!).
The one week on, one week off phenomenon started me thinking about seasons of life (if a season can only be a week long!). Some seasons are busy and stressful, others are slow and monotonous. Sometimes it is a fast, sometimes it is a feast- spiritually, financially, with regards to fellowship, etcetc. Sometimes you are full with friends, disposable income, mission; other times you yearn for them and feel deficient. The push and pull of life, I like to think of it. One thing pushes you one season, pulls you the next, then something new happens and the cycle begins all over again.
That's how weeks eke by, years drive on, with the changing of those seasons. My season right now is slow. I am just a mom, a housewife, a part time community volunteer. No frantic days for me. The baby is on a pretty rhythmic schedule. During the week we have our "fast" times: simple meals, same breakfasts every day, same activities. The weekend is our feast, where we go out to eat, change up the schedule, have church and community group. Those weekly routines seem to work well for us. Baby needs lots of time for play and regular meal times and naps. Things that rush us out of the house are too disruptive, and aren't worth it a lot of times. It would be too stressful to be involved with lots of things and have too much "programming", so we don't program our lives. No programming means lots of unstructured, free flowing time that I think makes this season, a slow season. Soon that season of life will change and the schedule will upend and we will enter into a new phase and have to establish new rhythms of daily life.
Hopefully those rhythms will have coffee, but more hopefully, there will be better practices that bring God more into the picture. The whole purpose of this second fast was to encourage me to get back into a rhythm of scripture reading, prayer, and meditation. The writing on the blog was secondary, just a means to help motivate me and keep me focused. Scripture reading, prayer, and meditation used to bring peace, structure, and energy into my life. They completely transformed my days into acts of worship that are very life giving. So I desperately want them as part of my daily habits once again. But, well, I've not been at all diligent with establishing them this year. Done okay on writing (nothing more than what's on this blog and a few random short stories in my head), but what I really wanted to get back to, making daily space for God, I've not made much effort. Dear Lord, come! Help me draw closer to you! May you be the established pattern in my life. Amen.
Monday, January 9, 2012
Day 9- what am I expecting out of this?
My motives for fasting from coffee the second time around are more complicated than I thought. First time around I recognized that the holidays were going to be stressful in certain ways and I needed to start praying and drawing near to God, because, I knew, on my own strength, I could not get through them. Now that that season has passed, I realize that I am fasting so that God will bless me. Bless me with what? I'm not sure. I think it is more a give and take sort of thing, as if by fasting he will reward me with good things. It is almost mercenary in intention. If I do this, you will give me this.
Maybe that is why it is not going so well. I have crazy expectations that I want fulfilled, but instead of feeling rejuvenated and more godly focused, I feel tired, deflated, a buoy floating around lost. That is, when I am not working. When I work, I feel driven and full of life- it's just those moments when I am not, that I want to draw on God and I can't seem to do it as well as I want to.
It all feels so mercantile. Draw on god like I am at the bank withdrawing funds. As if it was a consumer relationship (see tim keller's talk on marriage at google) instead of a covenantal one. A coventantal relationship where you stick with each other through thick and thin no matter what the circumstances. Whatever hurt, whatever suffering. And I think when you get to suffering and hurt, there I find the crux of the issue: what happens when God hurts? What happens when the roads you thought you were taking because god led you there, end in immense suffering and hurt? When you come to a place where you say to god I trusted you and you brought me here?! Is it really all due to my own sin and wickedness? Or is that just the path of the cross? The way to death of ourselves is in suffering and trial. The burden of the cross is the hope and desire for resurrection.
That is where I am on the ninth day of this fast. I question my motives, my hurt, my trust in god to bring good things. My prayer now is to be drawn more to prayer, because I haven't been so far in this fast. Lord, fill me with all good things, the love and knowledge of you, your mercy, your grace. May I await your blessings with prayer, thanksgiving and patience. Bless me, bless others, bless your kingdom and those that seek after it. Amen.
Maybe that is why it is not going so well. I have crazy expectations that I want fulfilled, but instead of feeling rejuvenated and more godly focused, I feel tired, deflated, a buoy floating around lost. That is, when I am not working. When I work, I feel driven and full of life- it's just those moments when I am not, that I want to draw on God and I can't seem to do it as well as I want to.
It all feels so mercantile. Draw on god like I am at the bank withdrawing funds. As if it was a consumer relationship (see tim keller's talk on marriage at google) instead of a covenantal one. A coventantal relationship where you stick with each other through thick and thin no matter what the circumstances. Whatever hurt, whatever suffering. And I think when you get to suffering and hurt, there I find the crux of the issue: what happens when God hurts? What happens when the roads you thought you were taking because god led you there, end in immense suffering and hurt? When you come to a place where you say to god I trusted you and you brought me here?! Is it really all due to my own sin and wickedness? Or is that just the path of the cross? The way to death of ourselves is in suffering and trial. The burden of the cross is the hope and desire for resurrection.
That is where I am on the ninth day of this fast. I question my motives, my hurt, my trust in god to bring good things. My prayer now is to be drawn more to prayer, because I haven't been so far in this fast. Lord, fill me with all good things, the love and knowledge of you, your mercy, your grace. May I await your blessings with prayer, thanksgiving and patience. Bless me, bless others, bless your kingdom and those that seek after it. Amen.
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Day 7/8 Daniel's spiritual discipline
Yesterday, i complained to Daniel about how he likes to make big pots of coffee just to tempt me. He of course claims that he didn't know about continuation of the fast from coffee and so we begun a conversation on reasoning behind fasting (he looks so skeptical when I say no to coffee). He then replied that he too was in the middle of a fast for spiritual benefits. And what fast would that be? Oh, his incredibly long fast from cigarettes. Hardeeharhar. Funny, but minimally supportive. He later confessed that he probably would smoke if only it didn't make your clothes smell so bad... cue another rolling of my eyes. I'll admit, there is something alluring about smoking. It projects some sort of cool image, probably thanks to decades of seeing people smoke on the silver screen. But, in the end, I think the idea is more enjoyable than the actual act of smoking- all terrible cancer causing aftermaths aside. Especially to me, a nicotine allergic, asthmatic runner who tried it once while training for a race and discovered that the day after run was too terrible to repeat. Who wants a scratchy throat and burning lungs more than once a century if you can help it? So while thinking of Daniel as a smoker may make him cooler in the mind's eye, in actuality, it would be so terribly awful. I can barely get over his coffee breath!
If only coffee was more enjoyable in the mind's eye than in reality. Today I debated whether or not I should have a cup in honor of Sunday, the Lord's day, thus a feast day and so a break from a fast day. Sadly, I did not, so now I have a whole week to ponder whether or not I can have ONE cup of coffee on Sunday's to celebrate Jesus. It is really really tempting. But would it be more that I love coffee, or more that I want to celebrate Jesus... hmmm, my heart is full of guile.
Also, I am going to renege on all i said before on what have you negativity. I don't think I quite got across what I wanted to say and I don't think I know how to say what I want to say. Today I thought the missing approach was with regards to maturity and maybe thoughts on the older brother in the parable of the prodigal son. But I am giving up as I don't necessarily disagree with these people who I've said I've disagreed with and I can't come up with a better solution. Though I did think up another critique along the same vein about how it seems that God uses really awful people to build his church. That statement of course comes from my thoughts on St. Augustine and how I could not stand his confessions-- he really was a pig of a man, yet called one of the fathers of the reformed church. His behavior to his mistress, his child, his arrogance, and carelessness, i could not handle it all, he was an example of some of the worst traits found in the male gender, but God used him. I'm not sure what do with that fact and coupled with impact that it has had on christianity. Well, God's ways are not our ways. He who has been forgiven much, loves much. Yikes. Does it really take really big mess ups for us to turn to God and follow him as zealously as Augustine, as Paul, as a whole slew of characters with shady pasts? It just might...
If only coffee was more enjoyable in the mind's eye than in reality. Today I debated whether or not I should have a cup in honor of Sunday, the Lord's day, thus a feast day and so a break from a fast day. Sadly, I did not, so now I have a whole week to ponder whether or not I can have ONE cup of coffee on Sunday's to celebrate Jesus. It is really really tempting. But would it be more that I love coffee, or more that I want to celebrate Jesus... hmmm, my heart is full of guile.
Also, I am going to renege on all i said before on what have you negativity. I don't think I quite got across what I wanted to say and I don't think I know how to say what I want to say. Today I thought the missing approach was with regards to maturity and maybe thoughts on the older brother in the parable of the prodigal son. But I am giving up as I don't necessarily disagree with these people who I've said I've disagreed with and I can't come up with a better solution. Though I did think up another critique along the same vein about how it seems that God uses really awful people to build his church. That statement of course comes from my thoughts on St. Augustine and how I could not stand his confessions-- he really was a pig of a man, yet called one of the fathers of the reformed church. His behavior to his mistress, his child, his arrogance, and carelessness, i could not handle it all, he was an example of some of the worst traits found in the male gender, but God used him. I'm not sure what do with that fact and coupled with impact that it has had on christianity. Well, God's ways are not our ways. He who has been forgiven much, loves much. Yikes. Does it really take really big mess ups for us to turn to God and follow him as zealously as Augustine, as Paul, as a whole slew of characters with shady pasts? It just might...
Friday, January 6, 2012
day 5/6 More thoughts on doing things [with God]
After spending a whole day analyzing whether I really agreed with what i wrote on day 3, I realized that I think I was more trying to articulate the peculiar power struggle we humans have with God. What I wrote was trying to dispel and do away with the notion that we even needed the power struggle. It was a hurrah for a "we can work together" chant. And while I do think that is true, the Gospel makes it so, I feel I wrote what I wrote because I wish more people understood that message from the gospel. That does not mean to say we should grasp equality with God, not even Jesus did that, but I think rather we need to look into what it means to be an heir with Christ. Being an heir to God's kingdom, being his child, requires responsibility, wisdom, ingenuity, humility, and faith. And I think when you look at it through that lens, it sort of changes the face of the God versus man power struggle. God is working in us, and for us, and with us. It's not an Him versus Us or He's crushing us under his feet and we have to submit type of relationship. It's a very positive relationship where he wants to take away the "dross" in us and let our better qualities shine out. And there are plenty of better qualities that need to shine. I guess I feel that when we focus on those impurities too much, we miss the other stuff, the good stuff, and that we don't talk about the good stuff enough and maybe we don't even know how to talk about the good stuff, so we talk about the bad stuff. [This is part of the program where I insert why i like good kid's lit so much. The answer is because it talks about the good stuff waaayyy more than the average good modern day adult lit does. More thoughts on that later, i hope, because while you could argue kid's lit doesn't go as deep into the flaws and many facets of the human experience, my argument is sort of along the lines of why do we want to? it's not that uplifting and sometimes reading how awful people can be to each other, is not my idea of a good time... tbc.]
In the end, I sometimes become frustrated when people highlight flaws way too much. I have the same issue with the news. In my opinion, it's not a balanced perspective. If you are going to talk about man's pride, talk about what happens when man is humble. If you are going to talk about greed, talk about what it means to be generous of heart, possessions and spirit. If you are going to talk about the sin found in man's heart, also talk about the good that struggles to come out, too. Balance! I want balance!
And yes, I think humans are no where near perfection or are in anyway close to God's beauty, truth, and goodness, but that is not what matters. God wants to be in relationship with us, whatever our baggage, whatever our imperfections, so let's do all in our ability to make that happen. Confess, repent, be saved, forgive, let go, rejoice, praise, enter into his presence. Let's get ourselves right with God so we can get on getting right with our world and others!
In the end, I sometimes become frustrated when people highlight flaws way too much. I have the same issue with the news. In my opinion, it's not a balanced perspective. If you are going to talk about man's pride, talk about what happens when man is humble. If you are going to talk about greed, talk about what it means to be generous of heart, possessions and spirit. If you are going to talk about the sin found in man's heart, also talk about the good that struggles to come out, too. Balance! I want balance!
And yes, I think humans are no where near perfection or are in anyway close to God's beauty, truth, and goodness, but that is not what matters. God wants to be in relationship with us, whatever our baggage, whatever our imperfections, so let's do all in our ability to make that happen. Confess, repent, be saved, forgive, let go, rejoice, praise, enter into his presence. Let's get ourselves right with God so we can get on getting right with our world and others!
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Day 4- the joy of work
I really like working, really like community organizing and being out in the community.
and that's all i got to say for today.
and that's all i got to say for today.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Day 3- ah! it is so hard to not want to drink coffee!
Daniel left an almost full pot of a delicious locally roasted brew this morning. Oh, how I wanted a cup. In my mind I screamed, "How unfair!" But how can you tell one part of yourself that the other part is unfair? Doesn't really work. A house divided falls. Had to pull my wimpy self up by the bootstraps and tell myself to suck it up.
Then, there is free coffee at the Y. So when I went to the gym, a free cup of coffee wafted in front of me to tempt me. Agh! In my coat pocket there is a not yet used starbucks gift card! Oh, how I would love to rush to the nearest starbucks and grab a latte. Should have used it up the week between Christmas and New Years, but time moves too quickly for me to think that far ahead. It's okay, I can stay strong, I'm a thirtieth of the way there. I can do it!
Or I can't. As a lot of modern day preachers would say, we can't, only God can. We can't break addictions, we can't overcome sin, we can't live rightly. And that's true to a point, without Jesus, without repentance and grace, we can't, but... we have grace and when we turn towards God, doesn't that mean we now can?
One of my critiques of modern christianity sometimes is that it can be so defeatist. There are messages that you can't do anything, only God can do it. Humans are inherently evil and sinful and nothing good can come out of man, yaddayaddayadda. I often struggle with those the messages, and I think I get what they are saying because(besides horribly misconstruing them here to make a point), i really think are more warnings against pride than any messages that humans are failures. Yet, at the same time, I don't a hundred percent agree the idea that humans are failures and we should grovel as lowly, terrible beings. Yes, there is an awful side of us that needs to be checked, but there are other sides of us where can do great and wonderful things. Humans have amazing abilities, god given and endowed ( think tower of babel, even God admittedly there could be little we could not do...if we were united and spoke the same language...). When I hear those messages of failure failure failure, I sometimes roll my eyes and think to myself: don't throw the baby out with the bathwater. Yes we need to recognize the sinful parts of our natures and repent of them, but I think we also need to recognize that we were created and labeled GOOD and that the Good found in our nature has much more power and ability than our sinful natures. If we only tapped into more often... or were encouraged to.
My phrasing, my nuanced approach to this dilemma of dwelling too much on the negative:
We can do things, but they will only be good and helpful, holy and delightful things, if we make space for the mystical, supernatural, grace-filled movings of God and the holy spirit. Fight sin. Fight temptations. But don't fight by yourself and on your terms. Leave room for God to work some of his magic, but for heaven's sake, keep praying! Keep up spiritual disciplines. Keep striving and struggling for God's blessing. Keep working out salvation with fear and trembling to keep your election assured. Keep trying to find the holiness in your life and God will do, too. Somewhere in there, I think is my interpretation of the parable of the talents. Do something, make room for God to do some things, too, and let the talents multiply. Understand that you have a sinful nature and you will mess up and need to cry, "Woe is me." But also know you were created for GOOD and get onto living that life, in partnership with God.
That's my "feminist" approach to it. Sometimes i don't connect with "anti-pride"/defeatist/grind the human heart into dirt" messages because I think they are geared to what is in men's hearts more than what is in women's hearts. I'm not saying that women do not struggle with pride, but studies show that women respond better to positive messages than to negative ones while it doesn't matter as much to men. Okay, the study i am basing it off of was the basketball team study and coach "blame" placing; where women think if the coach says someone isn't pulling their weight, the women think the coach is talking about them, while men think they are talking about someone else. Somehow I interpret that as women hear things differently and if the message is always: you're messing up, you're failing; you're an awful person, the results are not going to be as fruitful as a message that acknowledges the bad, but exhorts to be better and to do good. The Gospel is that yeah, bad stuff happens, you do bad stuff, but God still works and wants you to partner with him for his glory and your salvation. You can do things, with God's help. It's not all God, it's not all you, it's the relationship between God and man, that gets stuff done, in my opinion. And I think that is a much better, life giving message to hear. God and I were working out this no coffee thing. It's not all me, it's probably a lot of God, but we're working on it together. And I like that.
Then, there is free coffee at the Y. So when I went to the gym, a free cup of coffee wafted in front of me to tempt me. Agh! In my coat pocket there is a not yet used starbucks gift card! Oh, how I would love to rush to the nearest starbucks and grab a latte. Should have used it up the week between Christmas and New Years, but time moves too quickly for me to think that far ahead. It's okay, I can stay strong, I'm a thirtieth of the way there. I can do it!
Or I can't. As a lot of modern day preachers would say, we can't, only God can. We can't break addictions, we can't overcome sin, we can't live rightly. And that's true to a point, without Jesus, without repentance and grace, we can't, but... we have grace and when we turn towards God, doesn't that mean we now can?
One of my critiques of modern christianity sometimes is that it can be so defeatist. There are messages that you can't do anything, only God can do it. Humans are inherently evil and sinful and nothing good can come out of man, yaddayaddayadda. I often struggle with those the messages, and I think I get what they are saying because(besides horribly misconstruing them here to make a point), i really think are more warnings against pride than any messages that humans are failures. Yet, at the same time, I don't a hundred percent agree the idea that humans are failures and we should grovel as lowly, terrible beings. Yes, there is an awful side of us that needs to be checked, but there are other sides of us where can do great and wonderful things. Humans have amazing abilities, god given and endowed ( think tower of babel, even God admittedly there could be little we could not do...if we were united and spoke the same language...). When I hear those messages of failure failure failure, I sometimes roll my eyes and think to myself: don't throw the baby out with the bathwater. Yes we need to recognize the sinful parts of our natures and repent of them, but I think we also need to recognize that we were created and labeled GOOD and that the Good found in our nature has much more power and ability than our sinful natures. If we only tapped into more often... or were encouraged to.
My phrasing, my nuanced approach to this dilemma of dwelling too much on the negative:
We can do things, but they will only be good and helpful, holy and delightful things, if we make space for the mystical, supernatural, grace-filled movings of God and the holy spirit. Fight sin. Fight temptations. But don't fight by yourself and on your terms. Leave room for God to work some of his magic, but for heaven's sake, keep praying! Keep up spiritual disciplines. Keep striving and struggling for God's blessing. Keep working out salvation with fear and trembling to keep your election assured. Keep trying to find the holiness in your life and God will do, too. Somewhere in there, I think is my interpretation of the parable of the talents. Do something, make room for God to do some things, too, and let the talents multiply. Understand that you have a sinful nature and you will mess up and need to cry, "Woe is me." But also know you were created for GOOD and get onto living that life, in partnership with God.
That's my "feminist" approach to it. Sometimes i don't connect with "anti-pride"/defeatist/grind the human heart into dirt" messages because I think they are geared to what is in men's hearts more than what is in women's hearts. I'm not saying that women do not struggle with pride, but studies show that women respond better to positive messages than to negative ones while it doesn't matter as much to men. Okay, the study i am basing it off of was the basketball team study and coach "blame" placing; where women think if the coach says someone isn't pulling their weight, the women think the coach is talking about them, while men think they are talking about someone else. Somehow I interpret that as women hear things differently and if the message is always: you're messing up, you're failing; you're an awful person, the results are not going to be as fruitful as a message that acknowledges the bad, but exhorts to be better and to do good. The Gospel is that yeah, bad stuff happens, you do bad stuff, but God still works and wants you to partner with him for his glory and your salvation. You can do things, with God's help. It's not all God, it's not all you, it's the relationship between God and man, that gets stuff done, in my opinion. And I think that is a much better, life giving message to hear. God and I were working out this no coffee thing. It's not all me, it's probably a lot of God, but we're working on it together. And I like that.
Monday, January 2, 2012
Day 2-posturing
What is the deal with not drinking coffee and blam! I feel the Holy spirit working and moving. Maybe caffeine blocked my spiritual awareness senses somehow. And no I don't really think it is the caffeine, I think it is more the posturing of submitting myself to God. It's the recognizing I need him more in my life than i need coffee.
It's funny that I gave the middle school girls with whom I have a small group some verses from James 4 to memorize, because I think those are the verses that are hitting me right now:
7 Submit yourselves therefore to God. (I)Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. 8 (J)Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you.
I don't think I thought it was that simple, to draw near to God so that he would draw near to me, but maybe it is. Maybe it is true God is the father in the prodigal son story, anxiously anticipating our return with open arms and a fat goat. Why would we ever not want to follow a Father like that? Besides doubting that a god like that exists, what are other reasons we stop ourselves from running into his arms? Existential angst? Our emperor syndromes (we all want to be little napoleons- in charge, in control, on top of everything with everything we need)? Stubbornness? Pride? Snobbery? It is hard to submit sometimes- Lord, help me to submit to you. Help me to submit all of me!
The rest of this chapter in James is very interesting because it talks about not judging. And well, what would the world be like, what would the church be like, what would our communities be like if WE DID NOT JUDGE? I'm thinking a GDP that increases by billions due to people who would not be put down by others, but who would go ahead and do what they were created to do. I'm thinking healthier people, mind heart soul body spirit- better relationships, less heartache, less poverty. I'm thinking power and strength and unity in communities in ways we have never felt before. It takes restraint and power to reserve judgement and overcome what have situation to find the grace and the mercy and the justice.
And is that what Christ came to do? To teach us what grace is, what mercy is, what justice is, but also to tell us to use them! Aren't they the bricks and mortar of the kingdom? When people talk about kingdom building, that is what i associate with what they are talking about: instances of when people come in contact with grace, with mercy, with justice. And those instances are what changes peoples hearts- they are the tangible experiences of the supernatural.
And to judge is not to say to not have standards. I think it is important to call people to higher expectations and higher ways of living, but the way to do and to delineate the difference, one must be full of grace and lovingness and thus the holy spirit. And it can be done! I think it is the only way the church has ever moved forward. And I guess my definition of judging would be James's definition; not speaking or thinking evil against another person. I realize without that definition I weaken justice which is needed to call people out of sin. To quote James 4, James says :
"Do not speak evil against one another, brothers.[d] The one who speaks against a brother or (Q)judges his brother, speaks evil against the law and judges the law. But if you judge the law, you are not a doer of the law but a judge. 12 There is only (R)one lawgiver and (S)judge, he who is able to save and (T)to destroy. But (U)who are you to judge your neighbor? "
Hard words to digest as I admit I've spent the past few years "processing" what was going on around me and became a bit of a gossip with a sharp tongue. Granted, I usually wrote it off as frustration with powers that be, and not people, but here it specifically condemns that too, don't "speak evil against the law." Yikes. Need to get my tongue under control. Help me, Lord!
It's funny that I gave the middle school girls with whom I have a small group some verses from James 4 to memorize, because I think those are the verses that are hitting me right now:
7 Submit yourselves therefore to God. (I)Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. 8 (J)Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you.
I don't think I thought it was that simple, to draw near to God so that he would draw near to me, but maybe it is. Maybe it is true God is the father in the prodigal son story, anxiously anticipating our return with open arms and a fat goat. Why would we ever not want to follow a Father like that? Besides doubting that a god like that exists, what are other reasons we stop ourselves from running into his arms? Existential angst? Our emperor syndromes (we all want to be little napoleons- in charge, in control, on top of everything with everything we need)? Stubbornness? Pride? Snobbery? It is hard to submit sometimes- Lord, help me to submit to you. Help me to submit all of me!
The rest of this chapter in James is very interesting because it talks about not judging. And well, what would the world be like, what would the church be like, what would our communities be like if WE DID NOT JUDGE? I'm thinking a GDP that increases by billions due to people who would not be put down by others, but who would go ahead and do what they were created to do. I'm thinking healthier people, mind heart soul body spirit- better relationships, less heartache, less poverty. I'm thinking power and strength and unity in communities in ways we have never felt before. It takes restraint and power to reserve judgement and overcome what have situation to find the grace and the mercy and the justice.
And is that what Christ came to do? To teach us what grace is, what mercy is, what justice is, but also to tell us to use them! Aren't they the bricks and mortar of the kingdom? When people talk about kingdom building, that is what i associate with what they are talking about: instances of when people come in contact with grace, with mercy, with justice. And those instances are what changes peoples hearts- they are the tangible experiences of the supernatural.
And to judge is not to say to not have standards. I think it is important to call people to higher expectations and higher ways of living, but the way to do and to delineate the difference, one must be full of grace and lovingness and thus the holy spirit. And it can be done! I think it is the only way the church has ever moved forward. And I guess my definition of judging would be James's definition; not speaking or thinking evil against another person. I realize without that definition I weaken justice which is needed to call people out of sin. To quote James 4, James says :
"Do not speak evil against one another, brothers.[d] The one who speaks against a brother or (Q)judges his brother, speaks evil against the law and judges the law. But if you judge the law, you are not a doer of the law but a judge. 12 There is only (R)one lawgiver and (S)judge, he who is able to save and (T)to destroy. But (U)who are you to judge your neighbor? "
Hard words to digest as I admit I've spent the past few years "processing" what was going on around me and became a bit of a gossip with a sharp tongue. Granted, I usually wrote it off as frustration with powers that be, and not people, but here it specifically condemns that too, don't "speak evil against the law." Yikes. Need to get my tongue under control. Help me, Lord!
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Day 1 of a 90 day fast
I gave myself a week of coffee. Now I am back to the fast. There was something to denying myself that brought me more in tune to a need for spiritual discipline than anything else I have done for the past while. I felt aware of my need for God and his work. There was a deep need in me to feel more connected to Him. Maybe it was because if I couldn't drink coffee, I would pray or read scriptures or calm myself and mediate. You would think I could do those things with coffee, but this last week proved that I am not yet disciplined enough to do that and drink coffee at the same time. Coffee is an indulgence almost and for whatever reason, indulgence and discipline are not going hand in hand in my life. I must make a choice between them. And as I miss being disciplined and want it more than indulgence, I giving coffee up again and hoping it will spur me on to create more lasting habits and disciplines. That I don't want to give up on this blog or change its name! Writing a daily blog gives me some purpose that I relish.
Today, my ruminations sans coffee have led me to contemplate what an adjustment it has been spiritually post college and post charlottesville to form recognizable and helpful disciplines. I think to me so much of the christian life and story revolves around striving. With striving comes motivation and discipline. The greats became greats because they strove for something. While it might seem contradictory because so much reformed theology revolves on emphasizing God as the acting agent in any and all things, the posture and humility or striving for more seems to "earn" a righteous/Godly blessing. But, I have yet to find an example in the bible or history that proves otherwise. There is a striving for righteousness that is essential, I feel in the christian walk. After all, Israel means he who wrestles! And we are the children of Israel (by adoption), aren't we?
Israel wrestled for that blessing from God and I think it is a great example of how God and man interact. I think that striving is sometimes the kiss that turns away anger (psalm 2). Paul strove, so did Noah and the prophets. At least, that's what I gather from the list in Hebrews 11: each of those greats wanted something, you could say wanted something more from this life, and God used them for his purposes. Maybe it was because God used them they strove, but somehow I think it was an equal footing thing- they turned to God because God turned to them and God turned to them and they turned to God. (Sorry if I just regurgitated Barth's explanation of election and predestination). In any case, their striving came with righteousness (and some sin) and that righteousness implied discipline, too. To strive to be righteous implies conscientious decisions to live rightly, to live a disciplined orderly life, albeit with slip ups, failures, and sin. But it is that desire to live rightly, I think that catches God's eye- that posturing to let love and faithfulness never leave us, that brings blessings. And let me go ahead and explain that I am not in a season of striving (but i will say, i might be living rightly on default because I have strove in the past to remove and overcome vices), or better yet, I am not working too hard at it (it might flow freely, because of past strivings, but I am not actively try to improve myself right now). I miss working hard at it.
And I do not miss working hard at it. So much of my youth was spent striving- to finish school, to grow up, to figure out what I want out of life. And there were such growing pains that I really don't want to revisit those memories. But, yet, i feel they were such blessed periods of my life as if striving added a bit more meaning to my life. It is what we do as humans: we strive- for progress, for change, for perfection. I guess now I would like to strive again and feel that i need to get my spiritual disciplines in order in order for that to happen. I do connect discipline with my seasons of striving, so I hope resurrecting fervent ones in my life will jump start whatever it is that I feel I lack spiritually. Maybe this is just what it means to grow up.
While there is much to be said for growing up, two things I haven't appreciated, and feel contribute to a sense of lacking, are changes in community and change in habits, that I mentioned before. Community and habits have always been strong foundations to my spiritual life. From a child to high school to college, there has been consistent community and structure that helped order my spiritual life. Sunday school, youth group, all the various campus fellowships and ministries from college, they gave structure and a means of growth and challenge, besides instant and fruitful fellowship. Post graduation, all those structures to "plug in" sort of fell away and I had to learn to let "life" happen. Work, work friendships, church and church groups sort of filled the gaps, but in different ways. Growing up meant finding "spiritual autonomy" almost, which I define as defining one's spiritual practices outside an organized group. I think of it as: instead of being served and "consuming" christian fellowship, one begins to contribute and organize one's own program. I am not sure I have the nuances down, but maybe I feel that instead of receiving and learning and "taking" as I did as a child, I had to start applying and using all that I had gained and step out and become... an adult?a mature member of the church? a leader instead of a follower? or something of that sort.
There was some sort of turning point into christian "adulthood" that I call a switch that precipitated with loss of community (especially my small group of girlfriends) and loss of service and ministry (it's hard to start a new job and keep up lots of volunteer hours or have the energy for other people after a week of teaching). Without that community and service, I think other spiritual disciplines I worked so hard at began to slide, because I didn't need them as much. Or they didn't hit me in the face as much- when you have this and that meeting, it's a lot easier to focus and prioritize and make time for scriptures and prayer. Or maybe I created structure for disciplines in order to keep all the plates spinning. I had to organize my time and dole it out preciously, so I organized everything I had to do, including setting aside important quiet times with God. With growing up and without so many things going on, I didn't carve out my time so much and in the blob of free time i all the sudden had, i didn't make quiet time happen. Also, I think it hurt that I stopped feeling I was in ministry. Prayer is the lifeblood of anything you do when in ministry. Everything I did, I covered in prayer. without ministry, I also had less of a compulsion to pray as much or as intensely. Then add change of place, change of martial status and living arrangements, my habits deteriorated even more quickly with the changing landscape. No long did I follow strict scripture reading habits and daily prayer journaling and so I came less into the presence of God. I have been trying to find a way back ever since.
Fasting from coffee seems to be a way I can get back into that stronger habit of spiritual disciplines. For some reason, I have to rely on God and not coffee to get me through the day, if that is not too sacrilegious to say. And I like that. There are are many benefits to living more spiritually conscience life: besides feeling more peaceful and filled, but also I find direction and even callings to different possibilities and projects that reflect latent desires I forgot I once had. Looking forward to see what comes of those now that I am in a pause of my working career (and can easily change paths) and hoping that more will reveal itself through fasting. So here's to my quarter of a year without coffee! I hope to learn lots of things and draw closer to the heart of God!
Today, my ruminations sans coffee have led me to contemplate what an adjustment it has been spiritually post college and post charlottesville to form recognizable and helpful disciplines. I think to me so much of the christian life and story revolves around striving. With striving comes motivation and discipline. The greats became greats because they strove for something. While it might seem contradictory because so much reformed theology revolves on emphasizing God as the acting agent in any and all things, the posture and humility or striving for more seems to "earn" a righteous/Godly blessing. But, I have yet to find an example in the bible or history that proves otherwise. There is a striving for righteousness that is essential, I feel in the christian walk. After all, Israel means he who wrestles! And we are the children of Israel (by adoption), aren't we?
Israel wrestled for that blessing from God and I think it is a great example of how God and man interact. I think that striving is sometimes the kiss that turns away anger (psalm 2). Paul strove, so did Noah and the prophets. At least, that's what I gather from the list in Hebrews 11: each of those greats wanted something, you could say wanted something more from this life, and God used them for his purposes. Maybe it was because God used them they strove, but somehow I think it was an equal footing thing- they turned to God because God turned to them and God turned to them and they turned to God. (Sorry if I just regurgitated Barth's explanation of election and predestination). In any case, their striving came with righteousness (and some sin) and that righteousness implied discipline, too. To strive to be righteous implies conscientious decisions to live rightly, to live a disciplined orderly life, albeit with slip ups, failures, and sin. But it is that desire to live rightly, I think that catches God's eye- that posturing to let love and faithfulness never leave us, that brings blessings. And let me go ahead and explain that I am not in a season of striving (but i will say, i might be living rightly on default because I have strove in the past to remove and overcome vices), or better yet, I am not working too hard at it (it might flow freely, because of past strivings, but I am not actively try to improve myself right now). I miss working hard at it.
And I do not miss working hard at it. So much of my youth was spent striving- to finish school, to grow up, to figure out what I want out of life. And there were such growing pains that I really don't want to revisit those memories. But, yet, i feel they were such blessed periods of my life as if striving added a bit more meaning to my life. It is what we do as humans: we strive- for progress, for change, for perfection. I guess now I would like to strive again and feel that i need to get my spiritual disciplines in order in order for that to happen. I do connect discipline with my seasons of striving, so I hope resurrecting fervent ones in my life will jump start whatever it is that I feel I lack spiritually. Maybe this is just what it means to grow up.
While there is much to be said for growing up, two things I haven't appreciated, and feel contribute to a sense of lacking, are changes in community and change in habits, that I mentioned before. Community and habits have always been strong foundations to my spiritual life. From a child to high school to college, there has been consistent community and structure that helped order my spiritual life. Sunday school, youth group, all the various campus fellowships and ministries from college, they gave structure and a means of growth and challenge, besides instant and fruitful fellowship. Post graduation, all those structures to "plug in" sort of fell away and I had to learn to let "life" happen. Work, work friendships, church and church groups sort of filled the gaps, but in different ways. Growing up meant finding "spiritual autonomy" almost, which I define as defining one's spiritual practices outside an organized group. I think of it as: instead of being served and "consuming" christian fellowship, one begins to contribute and organize one's own program. I am not sure I have the nuances down, but maybe I feel that instead of receiving and learning and "taking" as I did as a child, I had to start applying and using all that I had gained and step out and become... an adult?a mature member of the church? a leader instead of a follower? or something of that sort.
There was some sort of turning point into christian "adulthood" that I call a switch that precipitated with loss of community (especially my small group of girlfriends) and loss of service and ministry (it's hard to start a new job and keep up lots of volunteer hours or have the energy for other people after a week of teaching). Without that community and service, I think other spiritual disciplines I worked so hard at began to slide, because I didn't need them as much. Or they didn't hit me in the face as much- when you have this and that meeting, it's a lot easier to focus and prioritize and make time for scriptures and prayer. Or maybe I created structure for disciplines in order to keep all the plates spinning. I had to organize my time and dole it out preciously, so I organized everything I had to do, including setting aside important quiet times with God. With growing up and without so many things going on, I didn't carve out my time so much and in the blob of free time i all the sudden had, i didn't make quiet time happen. Also, I think it hurt that I stopped feeling I was in ministry. Prayer is the lifeblood of anything you do when in ministry. Everything I did, I covered in prayer. without ministry, I also had less of a compulsion to pray as much or as intensely. Then add change of place, change of martial status and living arrangements, my habits deteriorated even more quickly with the changing landscape. No long did I follow strict scripture reading habits and daily prayer journaling and so I came less into the presence of God. I have been trying to find a way back ever since.
Fasting from coffee seems to be a way I can get back into that stronger habit of spiritual disciplines. For some reason, I have to rely on God and not coffee to get me through the day, if that is not too sacrilegious to say. And I like that. There are are many benefits to living more spiritually conscience life: besides feeling more peaceful and filled, but also I find direction and even callings to different possibilities and projects that reflect latent desires I forgot I once had. Looking forward to see what comes of those now that I am in a pause of my working career (and can easily change paths) and hoping that more will reveal itself through fasting. So here's to my quarter of a year without coffee! I hope to learn lots of things and draw closer to the heart of God!
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