I gave myself a week of coffee. Now I am back to the fast. There was something to denying myself that brought me more in tune to a need for spiritual discipline than anything else I have done for the past while. I felt aware of my need for God and his work. There was a deep need in me to feel more connected to Him. Maybe it was because if I couldn't drink coffee, I would pray or read scriptures or calm myself and mediate. You would think I could do those things with coffee, but this last week proved that I am not yet disciplined enough to do that and drink coffee at the same time. Coffee is an indulgence almost and for whatever reason, indulgence and discipline are not going hand in hand in my life. I must make a choice between them. And as I miss being disciplined and want it more than indulgence, I giving coffee up again and hoping it will spur me on to create more lasting habits and disciplines. That I don't want to give up on this blog or change its name! Writing a daily blog gives me some purpose that I relish.
Today, my ruminations sans coffee have led me to contemplate what an adjustment it has been spiritually post college and post charlottesville to form recognizable and helpful disciplines. I think to me so much of the christian life and story revolves around striving. With striving comes motivation and discipline. The greats became greats because they strove for something. While it might seem contradictory because so much reformed theology revolves on emphasizing God as the acting agent in any and all things, the posture and humility or striving for more seems to "earn" a righteous/Godly blessing. But, I have yet to find an example in the bible or history that proves otherwise. There is a striving for righteousness that is essential, I feel in the christian walk. After all, Israel means he who wrestles! And we are the children of Israel (by adoption), aren't we?
Israel wrestled for that blessing from God and I think it is a great example of how God and man interact. I think that striving is sometimes the kiss that turns away anger (psalm 2). Paul strove, so did Noah and the prophets. At least, that's what I gather from the list in Hebrews 11: each of those greats wanted something, you could say wanted something more from this life, and God used them for his purposes. Maybe it was because God used them they strove, but somehow I think it was an equal footing thing- they turned to God because God turned to them and God turned to them and they turned to God. (Sorry if I just regurgitated Barth's explanation of election and predestination). In any case, their striving came with righteousness (and some sin) and that righteousness implied discipline, too. To strive to be righteous implies conscientious decisions to live rightly, to live a disciplined orderly life, albeit with slip ups, failures, and sin. But it is that desire to live rightly, I think that catches God's eye- that posturing to let love and faithfulness never leave us, that brings blessings. And let me go ahead and explain that I am not in a season of striving (but i will say, i might be living rightly on default because I have strove in the past to remove and overcome vices), or better yet, I am not working too hard at it (it might flow freely, because of past strivings, but I am not actively try to improve myself right now). I miss working hard at it.
And I do not miss working hard at it. So much of my youth was spent striving- to finish school, to grow up, to figure out what I want out of life. And there were such growing pains that I really don't want to revisit those memories. But, yet, i feel they were such blessed periods of my life as if striving added a bit more meaning to my life. It is what we do as humans: we strive- for progress, for change, for perfection. I guess now I would like to strive again and feel that i need to get my spiritual disciplines in order in order for that to happen. I do connect discipline with my seasons of striving, so I hope resurrecting fervent ones in my life will jump start whatever it is that I feel I lack spiritually. Maybe this is just what it means to grow up.
While there is much to be said for growing up, two things I haven't appreciated, and feel contribute to a sense of lacking, are changes in community and change in habits, that I mentioned before. Community and habits have always been strong foundations to my spiritual life. From a child to high school to college, there has been consistent community and structure that helped order my spiritual life. Sunday school, youth group, all the various campus fellowships and ministries from college, they gave structure and a means of growth and challenge, besides instant and fruitful fellowship. Post graduation, all those structures to "plug in" sort of fell away and I had to learn to let "life" happen. Work, work friendships, church and church groups sort of filled the gaps, but in different ways. Growing up meant finding "spiritual autonomy" almost, which I define as defining one's spiritual practices outside an organized group. I think of it as: instead of being served and "consuming" christian fellowship, one begins to contribute and organize one's own program. I am not sure I have the nuances down, but maybe I feel that instead of receiving and learning and "taking" as I did as a child, I had to start applying and using all that I had gained and step out and become... an adult?a mature member of the church? a leader instead of a follower? or something of that sort.
There was some sort of turning point into christian "adulthood" that I call a switch that precipitated with loss of community (especially my small group of girlfriends) and loss of service and ministry (it's hard to start a new job and keep up lots of volunteer hours or have the energy for other people after a week of teaching). Without that community and service, I think other spiritual disciplines I worked so hard at began to slide, because I didn't need them as much. Or they didn't hit me in the face as much- when you have this and that meeting, it's a lot easier to focus and prioritize and make time for scriptures and prayer. Or maybe I created structure for disciplines in order to keep all the plates spinning. I had to organize my time and dole it out preciously, so I organized everything I had to do, including setting aside important quiet times with God. With growing up and without so many things going on, I didn't carve out my time so much and in the blob of free time i all the sudden had, i didn't make quiet time happen. Also, I think it hurt that I stopped feeling I was in ministry. Prayer is the lifeblood of anything you do when in ministry. Everything I did, I covered in prayer. without ministry, I also had less of a compulsion to pray as much or as intensely. Then add change of place, change of martial status and living arrangements, my habits deteriorated even more quickly with the changing landscape. No long did I follow strict scripture reading habits and daily prayer journaling and so I came less into the presence of God. I have been trying to find a way back ever since.
Fasting from coffee seems to be a way I can get back into that stronger habit of spiritual disciplines. For some reason, I have to rely on God and not coffee to get me through the day, if that is not too sacrilegious to say. And I like that. There are are many benefits to living more spiritually conscience life: besides feeling more peaceful and filled, but also I find direction and even callings to different possibilities and projects that reflect latent desires I forgot I once had. Looking forward to see what comes of those now that I am in a pause of my working career (and can easily change paths) and hoping that more will reveal itself through fasting. So here's to my quarter of a year without coffee! I hope to learn lots of things and draw closer to the heart of God!
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