Day 9- what am I expecting out of this?

My motives for fasting from coffee the second time around are more complicated than I thought. First time around I recognized that the holidays were going to be stressful in certain ways and I needed to start praying and drawing near to God, because, I knew, on my own strength, I could not get through them. Now that that season has passed, I realize that I am fasting so that God will bless me.  Bless me with what? I'm not sure.  I think it is more a give and take sort of thing, as if by fasting he will reward me with good things.  It is almost mercenary in intention. If I do this, you will give me this.

Maybe that is why it is not going so well. I have crazy expectations that I want fulfilled, but instead of feeling rejuvenated and more godly focused, I feel tired, deflated, a buoy floating around lost. That is, when I am not working. When I work, I feel driven and full of life- it's just those moments when I am not, that I want to draw on God and I can't seem to do it as well as I want to.

It all feels so mercantile. Draw on god like I am at the bank withdrawing funds. As if it was a consumer relationship (see tim keller's talk on marriage at google) instead of a covenantal one. A coventantal relationship where you stick with each other through thick and thin no matter what the circumstances. Whatever hurt, whatever suffering. And I think when you get to suffering and hurt, there I find the crux of the issue: what happens when God hurts? What happens when the roads you thought you were taking because god led you there, end in immense suffering and hurt? When you come to a place where you say to god I trusted you and you brought me here?! Is it really all due to my own sin and wickedness? Or is that just the path of the cross? The way to death of ourselves is in suffering and trial. The burden of the cross is the hope and desire for resurrection.

That is where I am on the ninth day of this fast. I question my motives, my hurt, my trust in god to bring good things. My prayer now is to be drawn more to prayer, because I haven't been so far in this fast. Lord, fill me with all good things, the love and knowledge of you, your mercy, your grace. May I await your blessings with prayer, thanksgiving and patience. Bless me, bless others, bless your kingdom and those that seek after it. Amen.