Ah. One of the frustrating aftermaths of event planning is that once it is over, I feel a little flat. In the olden golden days, I always had a couple projects spinning in the air, once one was over, I'd have something to fill the vacuum immediately.
Not so true this days. I have one event and then a long lapse before another one. My love to scheme and organize and build will be put on hold until the next occasion arises. And that is hard for me to swallow. Sometimes I feel like I can conquer the world if I really felt called to it. But does God call me to it? I feel that he does, and doesn't. Maybe he does, but i feel that requires me so often to step out on my own to make things I feel should happen happen, that I feel alone. And that is hard, not thinking that the people around you have the same drive or vision as you. I never know what to do with that and have trailed blaze anyway- and feel even more disconnected. Yeah, i guess the moral from the little red hen is deep in my psyche, but "doing it myself" goes against my love of community and community projects.
So I suffer analyzing this weird tension we humans have with God: do we do because we can or do we not do because we wait for God to do it? But if we wait for God to do it, won't we still be doing it, too, because he'll use us to do it? Where the line where it's him and not us with impure and wrong motives? I don't want it to be all me. Ii want god's blessing. but what happens when you know you have gifts and talents and see needs, but have no followers or co-conspirators to affirm or dissuade?? Dear Lord, send me a co-conspirator who likes to do community based projects as much as I do!
And all that I do and want to do is because of God and all that he has done for me. But that's a long story for another time.
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