Day 23 already?? In a week, it will be Day 30 and I will be a third of the way done with this no coffee fast! And in my mind, if you are a third of the way there, you are practically there. Not sure how that works, but some how, through strange psychology exercises, I've conditioned my mind to register that acting on a third means I've acted on a whole. Yeah, I don't think it is suppose to make sense. Maybe if I explain a third is like a half. As in, if I can get to a third of something, i react to it as if it is a half of something and things are always easier to complete if you are over half way done. Maybe? It's how I plow through training for a race, by setting third benchmarks. It's how I judged relationships- if i can make it to 3 months, i can make it to 6, then a year and beyond. Granted I am no longer in that stage of life as I married the only person who made it past that 3 month mark. I shouldn't expect anyone to understand, unless they too play mind games with themselves like I do.
Mind game. What an interesting phrase. Could it be the fact that it is a game be the reason why I like to play them on myself? I blame Mary Poppins. She taught me from a young age that work can be turned into a game. Or at least, she took the edge of work and made it doable and approachable, something not to feared but something to enjoy- or was that the result of the reformation on the protestant work ethic? I'm muddling my influences, but whatever they are, those influences, they have shaped me into this person who likes to create challenges, games, for herself in order to get things accomplished. Hence, a 90 day coffee fast in order to build better spiritual disciplines and better writing habits.
In all, it has been going well. I haven't been sorely tempted to drink as much as I thought I would and I think I am turning my heart more to God and what he has. Although, it still feels like a waiting period. During Advent, I felt the intimacy of waiting by not drinking coffee, and that feeling of waiting for something, not necessarily the second coming, has trickled over into this fast, too. Maybe it is just the nature of a fast to pierce the depths of anticipation and longing. All that deprivation brings out deeper notes of anticipation and longings for something else. Is that the true purpose of a fast? If so, it is an important characteristic that hasn't sunk into my head until now. We fast in anticipation of something. We long for something when we fast. Huh? Looks like that should have been obvious, but it hasn't been.
Hmm While this fast started as a fast from coffee and with intense longings for coffee and dreams of drinking coffee again one day, it has turned into something else, with longings and anticipations of a different nature and purpose. I'm longing for God to work. There is an anticipation that he is preparing me for something and while sometimes there are flashes of visions, there isn't a whole lot of clarity. And I long for clarity, for the bigger picture to be revealed. At the same time, it is the unknown, so there is an element of "do i really want to jump into whatever is ahead?" it might not be pretty and it might be super hard and trying and I might have to grow a whole lot- and in my experience growth is usually accompanied by pain. But then faith kicks in and says, well, if you are suppose to do it, God will prepare you for it and will be there with you, so why worry. And that leaves me back at the beginning, figuring out what games can I play to make this waiting period go faster: training for a long distance race, check; writing projects, check; rereading grammar books like elements of style, check; daily devotions, check; and what else can I come up with??
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